(Originally posted Wednesday, May 21, 2008 )
What Could Be Worse Than A Bryan Adams Medley on American Idol?
–*A trepanning
–*Having our scrotums shaved by the Manson Family
–*Q-Tipping our inner ears with our fingernails until we touch brain
–*Having a large beefy scrofula on our necks and trying to hide it uncomfortably during a party at Tavern on the Green with a monogrammed wedding napkin
–*Having a tongue covered with papillomas
–*Drinking a masonry jar full of the sweat of WWF wrestlers
–*Having our bowels eaten by a three-headed hell hound burrowed deep inside our stomachs
–*…on a stalled elevator
–*…in Orlando
–*Shitting shards of glass
–*…while talking to an insurance agent about term life
–*…in Orlando
–*A suppurating appendix in Haiti
–*A gunshot wound to the stomach
–*…when one to the head would be a lot more merciful.
And so you ask, Eric why are you watching if you don’t like the dulcet tones of Bryan? Well, I wish I could get away from his banality for two seconds, but unfortunately, his music pollutes elevators, drug stores, AM radio and every other place I might try to walk freely in search of beauty. If you, like I, feel like Bryan Adams has poisoned your environment, I suggest as an antidote going to listen to the first two Velvet Underground albums three times in a row, which thoroughly cleans the body of all the world’s mediocre, false bullshit, sort of like a spiritual Drano.
Say Drano,
Eric
P.S. I invite all of you to contribute more things that are worse than Bryan Adams. I challenge you all, especially team players–Sir Gene and Dames Fran, Jen and Lori. I dub you all defenders of the faith for your past efforts.
P.P.S. What happened to George Michaels, man? He could barely get any breath out during his AI performance. I thought a bunch of cowboys were going to come out and we were going to have an Eight Belles moment.
PPPS. And remember, no matter who wins tonight, the big winner is always Satan.
Beauty is Imperfection 
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