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Archive for February 13th, 2009

(Originally posted Tuesday, April 29, 2008 )

New Power of Positive Thinking Messages For Mugs and T-Shirts

–*I do believe that with this vagina, I could go anywhere.

–*Everything that happens to me is not my fault because my life is totally in the hands of a vindictive Hebrew deity.

–*If he’s stalking me, I must be special.

–*Just because somebody wants to commit genocide against me, that doesn’t make me a bad person.

–*The greatest love is the love that comes from the inside … even if it doesn’t look like much when it sprays against the ceiling

–*I completely deserve this full-release massage.

–*It’s not my business what people think of me and my white supremacy eugenics theories.

–*My flesh-eating ebola symptoms are just a state of mind.

–*It’s not a pandemic, it’s a can-demic

–*I am not pond scum just because I host “The Insider”

–*A person should always be as optimistic as he can be. If he comes across a more optimistic person, though, he should kill him

–*I don’t have to listen when other girls, my mom, little children, dogs, cats, trees and my television call me a whore

–*No one weeps pus like I do

–*No other former escort with a Web site about Jesus has as many picture downloads as I do

–*I’m willing to risk happiness. The coffee cup and t-shirt told me to.

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New Grammatical Terms

(Originally posted Monday, April 28, 2008 )

Argh! Another day of work has kept me from blogging until the wee hours. Thus I invite you not to pay so much attention to me today as to go see what’s up at some of my friends’ blogs.

My friend Casey has a good one about being a mom in Texas: http://redneckmother.blogspot.com/

Her husband Chris has a blog about writing for the children’s book industry called “Bartography”:
see it here: http://www.chrisbarton.info/blog/blog.html

I have other friends with blogs I’m forgetting because it’s very early (late).

So now that I’ve been up copy editing all night, a quick list of the latest grammatical terms:

–*Dangling genitives

–*Back-formed non-count nouns

–*Run-on deictic pointing word fetish

–*The high-hat gerund misplacement

–*The oblong miscue

–*The oversexed phrasal adjective

–*The hostile “that”

–*The galloping “whence”

–*More “The and A”! More “The and A”!

–*Les Gallicisms

–*The full-frontal verb hedge

–*The diarrhea run-on clause

–*The serial comma cock block

–*The noble failure back formation variant

–*The throbbing inflection

–*The “why don’t you stick your head up your ass and bounce up and down until you disappear” diminutive suffix

–*The “I accuse you” German noun case

–*The blameless businessman passive voice

–*The “what me worry?” dative case

–*The “that’s what she said” elliptical dangler

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(Originally posted Saturday, April 26, 2008 )

2 CBS
“Cold Case”: The detectives tonight open up the case of Karla Faye Tucker and discover that a young man named George W. Bush let her fry on the electric chair in Texas so that he could rise to national prominence. Lilly whines about her drunk mother.

3 ABC
Movie: “Harry Potter and the Iranian Fatwa”

4 NBC
“Medium”: Allison knows how tonight’s episode is going to end, just like everybody else who’s ever watched television before.

5 Fox
“America’s Most Wanted”: Catching sexual predators is that much sexier when we have Miss America there to slap the cuffs on.

5 Fox
“America’s Most Wanted”: No really. They did that. Miss America.

7 Animal Planet
“It’s Me Or The Dog”: A Kansas wife refuses to watch “Melrose Place” with her husband’s homosexual Jack Russell terrier any longer.

8 CW
We don’t have Saturday night programming, so enjoy your local Indian bingo show. We’ll start you off … 16, 84, 92, 27…

9 Telemundo
“Shallow Hal”: Jack Black es un hombre superficial. Gwyneth Paltrow es muy gorda.

10 CNN
Jenny McCarthy’s on Larry King again, and by that I mean all over him like a redoubtable strain of mange

11 History Channel
Less history on the History Channel than ever

12 Hallmark
The last installments of the “Love Comes Softly” series: “Love’s Unending Legacy,” “Love’s Unfolding Dream,” and “Love’s Antibiotic-Resistant Syph”

13 Discovery
Mythbusters see if Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon could have had a son if they had just eaten more vitamin-fortified Wheaties. (TM)

14 DIY
Host Patrick Wayne teaches you how to make home-made pipe bombs from your kitchen sink and other household items to foment violent revolutionary overthrow in America.

20 E! Entertainment Television
The guy who played Screech deconstructs the Dana Plato death video … and other famous Celebrity “Oops!”

21 Disney
Movie: “Beethoven’s 4th.” Judge Reinhold is working?

22 A&E
You Got Non-Consensually Rubbed! (reality)

23 CNBC
Suze Orman: “What To Do With A Depressed U.S. Dollar? Wear It!” How to turn that old cash into a nice suit.

25 Cartoon Network
Those Amazing Labia Heads

28 Showtime
How Much Bodily Fluid Do We Have To Show You To Convince You That This Show Is Edgy?

29 CMT
“Bitch Took My Gun” (Reality)

30 Bravo
“Millionaire Matchmaker”

30 Bravo
“Adult Pathogen Finder”

40 HBO
Failure To Launch

41 Crosswalk
“Democracy Now: An Hour of Thumbsucking Activists”

42 Sundance
How sustainable could the audience for these ceaseless sustainable energy documentaries possibly be?

43 Cinemax
Mr. Oral Retentive Meets Busty McCo-ed

44 QVC
Luggage

45 Food Network
Rice

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Beauty Pageants

(Originally posted Saturday, April 26, 2008 )

Beauty Pageant Titles You Don’t Hear About Often

Miss Periodontist

Pork Queen

Pork Princess

Miss Pumpkin Toss 2005

Miss Watermelon Fling 2003

Miss ‘Roid Rage

Miss AARP

Miss Military Industrial Complex

Miss IG Farben

Miss Trichotillomania

Miss Trench Foot

Miss Castration Fear

Miss Rain Scald

Miss Colic

Miss Backdoor

Miss Compulsion To Repeat

Miss Double Anal

Miss Male Lactation Drugs

Miss Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor

Miss Black Tar Heroin

Miss Man

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No Blog Today?

(Originally posted Friday, April 25, 2008 )

The Blogging
By Theodore Roethke

I wanted to blog but took my blogging slow
I had some musings today to write here
But I was walking around all day and couldn’t get home

I was not thinking but wondering, to which restaurant to go
I went for pan-Asian, but the place is no longer there (Fuck!)
I wanted to blog, but took my blogging slow

My cousin was visiting, so you can blame him (aiight?)
We went to The Beauty Bar for some ale and cheer
I was walking around all day and couldn’t get home

The light was running out but the Mac store was open
So it was for IPod shopping we had to go
I wanted to blog, but took my blogging slow

Great nature called us for what we needed to do
To say it plain, we had to pee somewhere, OK.
So we were walking around all day and couldn’t get home

That taxi cab home was way too expensive, I should know
But I rushed because the time for blogging was always near
So I now have blogged, but took my blogging slow
I was walking around all day and couldn’t get home until three in the … D’oh!

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(Originally posted Wednesday, April 23, 2008 )

Many people are asking why it is that Barack Obama has not been able to deliver the coup de grace that will finally clinch the Democratic presidential nomination for himself. Here are some factors, according to knowledgable pundits:

–*Obama has been seen as playing the race card by actually being black.

–*Blue collar voters don’t really connect with a man who comes from a broken home and was forced to move all over the place when he was young, and they much prefer Hillary, because even though she is a Yale-educated lawyer who sat on the board of Wal-Mart, she’s willing to patronizingly compliment them for their crazy gun-carrying, Bible thumping ways.

–*Obama’s name has been linked by the press to controversial minister Jeremiah Wright, former Weather Underground member William Ayres, to Nation of Islam head Louis Farrakhan, to Fidel Castro, to Charles Manson, to Humpty-Dumpty, to Richard III, to Rosa Luxemburg, to Darth Vader, to Jeffrey Dahmer and ….hey! Wait a minute! Who in the hell is doing all this “linking” anyway? Could it be …

–*John McCain, who a few members of the press might justly link to THE KEATING FIVE … if, I don’t know, they were being fair.

–*Obama is seen as inexperienced, and by that we mean, still dumb enough to hold onto any of the idealism that the Clintons must certainly have totally pissed out of themsevles by now.

–*Obama is seen as being not tough enough when it comes to fighting the Republicans, and by that we mean he hasn’t developed the audacity for making up totally empty slogans of bankrupt sophistry like “Why do liberals hate America,” “9/11 Changed Everything,” and “We must stop Islamofascism”–phrases that were invented only for children and idiots. Like Sean Hannity, who qualifies as both.

–*Obama can’t bowl. Which should immediately disqualify him from the contest.

–*It was not good enough that Obama tried to stay above the mudslinging in the Pennsylvania primary debate, when Hillary forced him into the “I’m rubber and you’re glue” type arguments anyway.

–*Many people have a lingering fondness for the peace and prosperity of the Clinton years, forgetting that the conservatives have ruined that happiness forever by giving us a war that will last a hundred years and that will certainly put a dusky pall on the regime of Clinton II, no matter how capable she may be.

–*… because we’re not leaving Iraq folks, no matter who is elected. Get used to that now.

–*People have a lingering desire to see a very capable woman elected president at this point in history, which could signal a very different and hopeful future ahead. Unfortunately that won’t happen when the woman in question is acting a lot like her childhood hero Richard Nixon in drag.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, April 23, 2008 )

Strange Democratic Party Primary Rules

After Hillary Clinton’s win of the Pennsylvania Democratic presidential primary, speculation has once again arisen that the race could be called by the super delegates, and many are further disgruntled that Florida and Michigan were stripped of its delegates because they violated party rules about election dates.

What other strange decrees appear in the Charter & Bylaws of the Democratic National Committee?

–*If there is no clear winner come time for the party convention in Denver in late August, the race will be decided only by Democratic voters in South Carolina, Nevada, New Hampshire and Iowa.

–*And these voters can vote for any candidate they want.

–*Even John McCain.

–*Or for a third George W. Bush term.

–*The number of delegates to each state will be allocable by population weight, and by that we mean literally by how fat they are. Which, ironically, would mean Michigan wins.

–*Hillary Clinton must respect the rules about early voting that she herself agreed to with smug overconfidence, even if that now means watching 186 tasty, yummy, sugary Florida and Michigan pro-Hillary delegates go swirling bye-bye down the toilet. How’s it feel being hoisted on your own petard, babe?

–*Delegates that might have put her in the lead, even after several straight losses.

–*Democratic Party leaders are allowed to freely and smugly engineer an unfair race in Florida without smirking or seeing any kind of irony in it.

–*New York and California and Texas and Florida, the largest states in the union, should not vote too early, lest their big populations turn this into an unfair popularity contest.

–*Unpledged superdelegates (known as PLEOs) should still be able to choose a nominee at his or her own prejudice, even if he or she were busted with a prostitute from South Jersey, and even if this prostitute was, according to most conventional biases and sound reasoning, a “6.” Like, you know. Kind of a “butterface.” As in, you know, “everything but her face.” You know?

–*Certain primaries will be considered only “show primaries.” Kind of like a Harlem Globetrotters game. This refers to any presidential election that takes place in Florida and also refers to the Democratic National Convention itself and probably pretty much the entire election.

–*If no winner has been picked by the time of the convention, then we can blame Hillary for bringing down the party at a crucial point in history, all for the sake of her own personal sense of entitlement and self-interest.

–*Jimmy Carter shall be kept sequestered at all times, preferrably in Gaza, which behooves his role as self-appointed pain in the ass.

–*Each chair and vice chair of each committee of the Democratic National Committee shall be of the opposite sex, because that’s how we roll.

–*Members of the Republican Party wishing to vote in the election to sabotage the results may do so with wild abandon, as we fiercely believe that people doing stupid, limited things to promote their own self-interest eventually causes everything to turn out OK in the end. I mean, that’s pretty much how America works.

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