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Archive for February 19th, 2009

(Originally posted Thursday, July 31, 2008 )

What things are we freshening up by squirting Febreze on them?

–*The couch.

–*The cushions.

–*The cat.

–*The television

–*The Jarlsberg cheese.

–*The guests

–*Our resume, last updated 10 years ago

–*Our human rights record

–*Eva Longoria

–*John McCain’s public speaking skills

–*Beck

–*The Sound of Music

–*Our old high school acquaintances

–*Lemmy

–*Our self-esteem

–*Our marriage

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(Originally posted Wednesday, July 30, 2008 )

–*Dog barks at cell phone

–*Cat scared by cell phone

–*Dog attacks Roomba

–*Cat versus Roomba

–*Owner chastises dog

–*Owner chastises Roomba

–*Kim Kardashian sits on dog

–*Dog scared of Kim Kardashian’s ass

–*Kim Kardashian attacks Roomba

–*Owner chastises Kim Kardashian’s ass

–*Dog swallows cell phone

–*Dog barks at Paris Hilton sex tape

–*Little girl chases pigeon, yells “Doggie!”

–*Kim Kardashian chases pigeon, yells “Doggie!”

–*Kitten throws up Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.

–*Pam Anderson saves pregnant cat

–*Cat eats afterbirth

–*Pam Anderson saves dog

–*Dog saves Pam Anderson sex tape

–*TMZ chastises Chloe Kardashian sex tape

–*TMZ chastises vomiting kitten

–*Dog bites TMZ in the crotch

–*Momma cat ambushes, attacks helpless kitten

–*Momma ambushes, attacks Kim Kardashian

–*Boyfriend ambushes, attacks Kim Kardashian’s ass

–*Dog barks at vomiting kitten

–*Dog barks at girlfriend fellating boyfriend

–*Dog barks at Maroon 5

–*Maroon 5 chastises Roomba

–*Maroon 5 eats afterbirth

–*Pam Anderson fellates boyfriend while kitten vomits, dog attacks Roomba, TMZ yells “Doggie!” Kim Kardashian’s ass attacks Chloe Kardashian’s ass and Maroon 5 is scared of cell phone. Everybody eats afterbirth.

–*Man befriends, is eaten by, grizzly.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, July 29, 2008 )

Sometimes your favorite film, TV and music critics get so excited about the entertainment they’re reviewing that their reviews start to tell us a little bit more about them than we’d like to know. Take some of these recent examples from daily newspapers around the country:

“When the show ended its run, we learned that Six Feet Under’s lead character Nate was, in the end, a very flawed and simple man who could not handle complicated women. He was destined to be imperfect when he met somebody who was smart, demanding, independent and free spirited. He just wasn’t ready to stay in there and fight and be a fucking man when a true strong woman showed up in all her rainbow-divergent complexities. He was like all men. A tramp. Admit it! You can’t handle us, Nate.”

–by Amanda Savoy, the Orlando Morning Sentinel

“The new adaptation of Lolita is a savory collection of images of the nyphette in her true, vivid form–splayed on a bed, all too innocent and yet knowing the full flower of her puissant sexuality. She is coy, but it is all for show. She cuddles. She coddles. She hides from Humbert Humbert the way she hides from all of us–in plain sight, and with the duplicity of her instinctual, animal feminine wiles.”

–Ronald Avery, Piedmont Sun-Times

“Clint Eastwood’s thriller Absolute Power is a scathing indictment of the arrogance of power, especially how it perverts the nuclear family when certain females have too much control. One sees all too well the emasculating slut/wife/first lady harridan of the film cajoling and goading her adulterous husband like a deranged Lady Macbeth. One sees the hopelessness faced by good men in law enforcement, such as the morally just character played by Scott Glenn, who selflessly kills himself rather than play into the fiendish schemes of a first lady hell-bent on power. The film is a touchstone for those who know firsthand the way that women in power become inhuman, sapping the male id, insinuating herself into their friendships and wearing down their martial virtues with her haircutting castrating she-power.

–Judy Bozena, the Minnesota Free Press

“Ryan Gosling is easily the best thing about Half Nelson. I mean, I’m not sure why the other actors even showed up. I could tell you their names, but Ryan is just acting circles around them. He is playful and coy, yet majestic and sublime. I feel that I’m watching an artist at work here. A sculptor. Slowly chiseling away everything does not fit until the soul is revealed. If I had it my way and I were the director, every actor in Half Nelson would be Ryan Gosling.”

–Amy Tanhaus, The Boise Spirit

“We live in a fascist AmeriKKKa, stolen from the Indians, built by the black man, and sucking cheap oil off the oil pump of the Arab. You are either down with the struggle now or you’ve got to get out of the way. When the riots start, ain’t nothin’ gonna be televised. The white man has been stealing our culture, stealing our women, watering down our blackness with miscegenation and taking away our history by saying Jesus was white. He’s been poisoning us, selling us drugs, breaking down our inner cities and trying to get us to kill each other so that he can keep his power. But it can’t last for long. Something’s got to give. One day the levees will really break, and there will be a real flood. … Oh yeah, and go see Home For The Holidays.

–Sasha Perlstein, Black Entertainment News

“A reliable atavistic thread runs through the posturing male behavior of those tight-bunned thespians who populate the crude and rough-hewn film Alpha Dog. One cannot help but be overwhelmed and yet horribly despondent, as Keats was upon looking at an urn or a nightingale, to discover with recrudescent bad taste that the thing you longed for so totally–the crude and provincial rough trade b-boy style of a Justin Timberlake or the Scandinavian coldness of an Emile Hirsch–that what you wanted was evanescent. That the youth would not last. That a flower, even as a kiss, withers where you placed it on a pretty young male mouth.”

–Gibby Sandoz, Proscenium Magazine

“I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again. All women are part Lesbian, and only the most honest filmmakers today dare explore that love. It is a love that so threatens the male as to make him an impotent voyeur, off in the corner, crying because he cannot understand the witchcraft that is two females’ perfect Sapphic symmetry. When I first saw Wild Things, I asked myself if there could really be an honest scene when the true love between women comes to flower. When breast touches breast. When vertex hugs vertex. And then, to my surprise, the kiss was real, the potential fulfilled, and the honesty of art did indeed attain. I left totally satisfied, and did not need popcorn to fill my belly that evening, but slaked my thirst on the stuff of true aesthetic engorgement.”

–Roger Ebert*

*Editor’s note: This article was written even as Roger Ebert was continuing to undergo severe health problems related to thyroid cancer, for which he recieved surgery that left him unable to speak. I keep the joke here because I don’t think it derides his courage as a cancer survivor. In fact, I hope only to continue celebrating what his longtime fans know to be his great love of girl-on-girl action. I hope your Lesbian-love rages on undiminished for years,  Roger!

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(Originally posted Tuesday, July 29, 2008 )

–*I was off improving myself, and will continue to be off improving myself no matter how many parties I miss.

–*I didn’t want to see Derek and Tarzaan. Because we all know what we did to old man McLaney in the woods.

–*I peaked at 4 p.m. when I took all that animal tranq in the RV, and it wouldn’t have been fun after that.

–*Most of those at the party remember me when I was young. Green. Malformed. Only a larval version of myself. My hasting days having yet to fly on with full career, and to blossom in the reformed chrysalis that … is … a man.

–*I’m still waiting for Tanya Rothstein to tell me whether she’s going out with me, and even though it’s been 20 years since I asked her, I’m still afraid she’s going to say no.

–*MacGyver. Do I have to spell it out?

–*Party was over at my place. Guess you all missed it.

–*Because it’s not a real party until people start sodomizing each other in orgiastic Dionysian frenzy, ripping through the masks of persona and getting through to the true self.

–*I was shy.

–*…and you were too overbearing.

–*I was working on the Retributioners Episode 7. It’s like, a zillion years behind.

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Smaller Vacations

(Originally posted Monday, July 28, 2008 )

What vacations do you have planned this year now that high gas prices have made long-distance travel more difficult?

–*Spelunking in the Ozarks across the border.

–*Skeet-shooting in Osh-Kosh.

–*Moonin’ the relatives in Bellville

–*Cow tipping in Dubuque

–*Indian bingo right up the road

–*Wine tasting in the vineyards of Oklahoma

–*Standing at the Perth Amboy waterfront and waving furiously at the Carnival Cruise Line taking people to New Brunswick

–*Miniature golfing in Boise

–*Stealing copper and lead out of manholes in Memphis

–*Hand-gliding off the top of the post office in Topeka

–*Misting myself with a water bottle in Bedford Stuyvesant in Brooklyn

–*Having sex in a bed in the next room

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(Originally posted Sunday, July 27, 2008 )

Radovan+Karadzic

Radovan+Karadzic+”on the lam”+”Bosnian war criminal”

Radovan+Karadzic+”new age doctor”+disguise

Karadizic+Belgrade+”alternative medicine”+”war criminal”+quack

Serbia+Ratko Mladic+”walking around in broad daylight”

Serbia+”European Union”+”free movement of goods and services”

Zimbabwe + hyperinflation + “$1 trillion bill”

U.S.+inflation+”five dollar milk”+”what the fuck”

oil+”precious commodity”+”$140 a barrel”

“drill at home movement”+”expensive technology”+”smash rocks”

“drill at home movement”+”expensive technology”+”priced into futures”

“drill at home movement”+”Republican sham”

“options traders”+opportunistic pricks”

“Why is the price of oil so high?”

“What does peak oil mean?”

“oil depletion”+”proven reserves”+”depleted+Amish+”horse and buggy”

“Why does Halliburton get no-bid contracts?”

“How can I get a no-bid contract?”

“How can I get a no-bid contract in Knoxville, Tennessee?”

“Why does Angelina Jolie collect kids like rabbits?”

“Mia Farrow”+kids+rabbits+psycho

China+Olympics+smog+athletes+runners+airlift

China+runner+torch+protesters+mauled

“How can I attack an Olympic torch runner?”

“How can I attack an Olympic torch runner in Knoxville, Tennessee?”

Knoxville+”bus schedule”

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The X-Files Surprises

(Originally posted Friday, July 25, 2008 )

What Surprising New Plot Twists Can We Expect In the New “X-Files” Movie?

–*Satan-worshipping fans of Abba

–*Heart-eating Floridian swamp folk

–*A discovery of a sinister force in the universe called “parataxic distortion,” in which people you idealize, especially women, turn out to be less ideal than the fantasy

–*A U.S. plot to torture dissidents in Eastern European gulags and other things that were politically unthinkable in 1998.

–*Dogs that can say “I love you.”

–*A creepy hand that lives in a box.

–*Aliens versus Jesus

–*Blunderbuss-wielding Uncle Fester

–*Gregorian chants

–*Muldar and Scully’s accidentally solving the 20-year-old “Octopus” conspiracy theory, discovering that it was simply Ronald Reagan re-supplying the Contras, and pretty much doing it out in the open with a big “fuck you”

–*The truth, which always turns out to be a lot stupider than you’d think. (Think weather balloons and ergot poisoning.)

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(Originally posted Thursday, July 24, 2008 )

BUFFALO, NEW YORK (API) — George Smeaton thoughtfully sips a vanilla chai latte on this hot summer afternoon in Buffalo, just a few tables away from a bevy of comely young women out in summer jersey dresses. Though some of them look his way, Smeaton peers down into his book and avoids eye contact.

“It’s too enervating,” he says.

Scientists claim that Smeaton is just one of many people contributing to rising rates of global passive-aggression, a trend that could reduce mating and ultimately lead to the end of the human race.

“We’ve found an increasing number of people simply refusing to connect or make eye contact in social situations,” says Dr. Javier Santos of the John Hopkins School of Medicine. “As social mores change, both men and women refuse to be the instigators of social flirtation and the sexual dance. This spells catastrophe.”

The Mayo Clinic defines passive-aggressive behavior as a way of expressing negative feelings in indirect, unhelpful and obstructive ways while pretending to be complicit. Santos gives as examples showing up late, pretending not to want the very thing you want and Woody Allen.

Patricia Wally, a grad student at the University of Nebraska, said she was recently in the science lab studying the territoriality of hamsters when she was approached by male student Benjamin Gumm, a senior.

“He was really cute and all,” says Wally. “But he put a lot of pressure on me when he started talking. I had to think of all kinds of things to say when I wasn’t ready. I really showed him my feelings by walking to the open window and jumping out of it.”

Santos says that with social mores changing and passive aggressive behavior on the rise, they have noticed a widespread decline in courtship behavior, recognizable by such signs as winking, smiling, casual touches, and “proteans” another word for such physiologic signs as a woman touching her hair. For men, protean behavior is often seen when they dangle out of trees, do back flips in front of a girl, or beat up an inferior male specimen.

Sadly, Santos predicts, all of these behaviors are disappearing.

With such drastic rates of decline in flirting, Santos predicts that humanity will cease to exist sometime in the 50th Century, “unless we are hit by a meteor first.” When told that colleague Susan Jenkins was inquiring after him and asked whether he would like to get together with her, Santos said, “Well, I’d like to. But whenever I express interest in a woman by making the first move it just gives her all the power. Who needs that?”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, July 23, 2008 )

After nearly 13 years of hiding, Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, a fugitive from justice after being indicted for war crimes in Bosnia-Herzegovnia in 1995, was apprehended by Serbian authorities on July 21. For much of his time underground, Mr. Karadzic assumed a variety of disguises that allowed him to wander freely in Belgrade. When he was caught, he was known as Dragan Dabic, a long-haired practitioner of alternative medicine who gave lectures at community centers and was very interested in beefing up his Web page.

What other people has Dr. Karadzic pretended to be while underground?

–*Ljuba Dabic, a communist sanitation worker who was enamored of the functionalist architectural aesthetic of Mies van der Rohe and Philip Johnson and who liked to woo women by playing them “Stairway to Heaven.”

–*Milovan Ljajic, an oncologist with a history of impotence problems and a love of the film “When Harry Met Sally.”

–*Vuk Vukcevic, organist with the philharmonic who has a slight proclivity toward the atonal serial music of Arnold Schoenberg and who had carefully cultivated a legend in Belgrade social circles of having an enormous dick.

–*Rudjer Mladic, a post-op transsexual who has not hidden his desire to be the first Bosnian-Serb nationalist male to carry a child. He likes gardening and staring into his Victorian reflecting ball.

–*Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanova, the Grand Duchess of Russia

–*Nelson Judd, a country and western singer from Frankfort, Kentucky who sings unabashadly of his love of America and freedom in the song, “This Conflict.” He may have been married to actress Renee Zellweger.

–*Blaze Starr, a retired American stripper and owner of Baltimore’s “Two O’Clock Club.”

–*Anders Bendtsen, a Danish base-jumper who likes to take a lot of acid and jump off outcroppings.

–*Mysterious Icelandic rock band Sigur Ros

–*Bald, fat psychedlic rock recluse Syd Barrett

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(Originally posted Monday, July 21, 2008 )

Hey males! Have you ever found yourself having a fight with your girlfriend or wife and unable to deal with her coy, stubborn, wily female obstinacy? Well we here at the Harvey Keitel-Marlon Brando-Mickey Rourke School of Couples Therapy have come up with all sorts of gambits for you to handle it the next time you are feeling emasculated by your spouse at the grocery store, the park, a bowling alley or at a children’s birthday party.

Before we begin, just fill out this questionnaire and soon you will be able to find a cool, masculine way to show your validity, empathy, and sensitivity — and more important, to comfortably assert yourself in a way that will make her beg for your manly scent.

Just answer these questions, and find out if the school is right for you:

Question 1

When your wife argues that you have not cleaned the kitchen in months, what do you do?

a) Look at the floor and be mumbly and non-committal.
b) Whine and continue to watch TV.
c) Wiggle your eyebrow up and down, slowly, as if you are about to explode in an act of unspeakable violence, then take a big drink of water and whisper: “Are you talking to me?”

Question 2

Your girlfriend wants you to spend some time talking about her day, but you want to watch football. What do you do?

a) Go in the bathroom and shut the door and stay in there for an hour.
b) Indulge her but think about something else while she talks.
c) Slowly crush open a hard boiled egg. When the shell has fallen off, hold the egg up and ask her if she knows it’s a symbol of the soul. Then put the entire egg in your mouth and eat it.

Question 3

Your wife wants to go to Paris and you want to go to Miami for the big game. What do you do?

a) Compromise and agree to go to Paris if she will go to a few home games with you.
b) Tell her you can take separate vacations as a way to both assert your individuality and your separateness.
c) Roll your tongue around, strip naked, lay your genitals on the hardwood floor and say “We’re only going to talk monkey talk now. Ooo ooo ooo! Ah ah ah!”

Question 4

Your wife wants to save 15% of your incomes to put in a 401k and you want a plasma TV. When she folds her arms and says you’re crazy, what do you do?

a) Start siphoning money out of the account secretly.
b) Give her the money and content yourself with Internet porn.
c) Read her an improvised poem you wrote about making love to a moose in the wilderness and then killing it and eating it.

Question 5

Your girlfriend wants you to meet her parents but you don’t think you’d like them. What do you do?

a) Go ahead and meet them and acknowledge this as an important new step in the development of your relationship.
b) Tell her that even though you hope to take that step in the future, you feel the relationship is still young and it is too soon to introduce the dynamics of outsiders.
c) Take take a rose off the kitchen table and start eating it.

Question 6

Your girlfriend thinks that you’re not interested in her friends. What do you do?

a) Let her know that you two must be allowed to be separate people, too, as well as a couple, so that you can assert your own identities.
b) Go along with her friends and try to brush it off when they tell emasculating jokes.
c) Writhe around like a giant spastic colon.

Question 7

Your wife is mad that you grabbed the remote and seemed to have broken something on the television. What do you do?

a) Let her know it wasn’t intentional and that she should not project her anger onto you.
b) Tell her that you are glad the TV is off so now you will be able to relate more to each other.
c) Ejaculate in Nicole Kidman’s hair.

Question 8

Your girlfriend wants to move in, but you’re not sure. What do you do?

a) Tell her that it’s fine by you, because you’re willing to take a chance on love.
b) Tell her that most people who live together unmarried first often get a divorce later because the tentativeness with which you approached the relationship created commitment problems later.
c) Run your hands over the uncooked pot roast and say “Look how they messed up my boy.”

Question 9

Your wife says you are aloof and hard to get to know. What do you do?

a) Tell her that you will try to be more open because her love is worth it.
b) Explain to her that men learn very early to hide their feelings, since most of their earliest impulses in childhood development, such as sexual drive and territoriality, are shunned during social conditioning.
c) Drink an entire bottle of wine, play bongos and ask her to put a stick of butter up your ass.

Question 10

Your wife says she wants a baby and you are unsure. What do you do?

a) Tell her that having a child is a great responsibility and you want to make sure you are mature enough to handle it before tackling it.
b) Let her have the baby and then blame the child later for not accomplishing everything you wanted to do in life.
c) Let out a belch and say “When I made love to the rook, it was already dead.”

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