Archive for February 10th, 2009

(Originally posted Friday, February 29, 2008 )

Compliments Nobody Wants To Hear, Vol. 2

–*You’re so pretty when I look at you from a very low angle and 10 feet away

–*You have gone about as far in life as a tambourine player can go.

–*You would make a great comic relief part in the ABC After-School Special I’m directing about bulimia

–*I like to call that giant purple birthmark covering half of your body a “God’s kiss.”

–*You are the sexiest rodeo clown alive

–*You sure do smile a lot for a person with so many enemies.

–*Especially you, O.J.

–*A person like you has to be really genuine to have so many teeth missing and not be embarrassed about it

–*You handle your Thorazine so well

–*You jump out of a cake sober and fall into a cake drunk with equal aplomb

–*You must have a heart of gold to be that much in love with a sadistic, abusive, repressed, fetishistic police officer

–*You must have a heart of gold to be that much in love with a limited and smarmy rich kid Republican president

–*You’ve moved up so fast in Hollywood, I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose

–*You are the sexiest, most inspiring movie star who dropped out of high school ever

–*You are the sexiest, most inspiring U.S. president who made straight C’s ever.

–*You’ve got more talent for painting than could have ever been expected from a serial killer of women serving multiple life sentences in prison

–*You’re like Paul Newman without the charisma, looks, brains or talent.

Yes, I was serious, I am busy this weekend, but had 10 minutes to be foolish.

P.S.: –*Eric, you certainly do have a lot of time on your hands for somebody who is so foolish.

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My Friends …

(Originally posted Thursday, February 28, 2008 )

Top 11 Reasons That “Beauty Is Imperfection” Blogs Will Be Less Frequent for the Next Few Days

–*I’m moving
–*My wife is moving
–*I have exhausted all my jokes and ideas. They are all gone. Gone utterly
–*I just want to tease you by holding off on that third installment of “Chad the Dictator” that you all have been crying for
–*I’m writing a very special Top Ten list that is so groundbreaking it will save the polar bears from extinction
–*”Nobody ever expected you to write daily, Eric, so who gives a shit?”
–*I’m going on a hunger strike until Carly Smithson is booted off “American Idol”
–*I’m going on a hunger strike until George Bush is booted out of the American presidency
–*I’m going off to work on a novelization of “Letters to My Imaginary Friend Leticia”
–*I’m mourning the death of William F. Buckley
–*I’m mourning the death of reason

In any case, expect to hear a bit less from me over the next few days as Stephanie and I flee the Cossacks and find a new patch of Earth a few blocks away. After we’re free and clear, I’ll give you the address of the evil management company that has removed us, and you can mail your bags of feces to them.

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Why We Did It

(Originally posted Wednesday, February 27, 2008 )

Top 11 Reasons Why We Did It

–*He wasn’t the right guy for me.

–*She was pitchy, dawg

–*Because he kept talking and talking and talking

–*I was tired of being a slave to that old woman and her retarded simpleton sister Lizaveta

–*I didn’t believe that her health care plan was well thought out

–*Because the other one tasted better

–*Because his plot was very confusing, and he even had two different characters named Quentin, one male and one female. What kind of sick fuck does that?

–*Because I am a Nietzschean superman. Pull my finger

–*Because I was rudely stamped. Deformed. Unfinished. … I am determined to prove a villain.

–*Because I am John Lennon, not him

–*It’s none of your business why I did it. I don’t have to explain myself to you.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 26, 2008 )





Academy+Awards+Tilda+Swinton+”no makeup”

Oscars and Juno

“What does a home skillet mean?”




“Roger Clemens”+Congress+perjury+idiot

“Who is Gary Busey?”

“Gary Busey”+”Jennifer Garner”+mauled

“Who would win in a fight between a bull and a bear?”

“Joel and Ethan Coen”

“What does laconic mean?”

“What does nihilism mean?”

“What does misanthropy mean?”

“Who is Wittgenstein?”

“Who would win in a fight between a bear and Wittgenstein?”

“No Country For Old Men”+”No ending”

“Apocalypse Now”+”No ending”

“Boogie Nights”+”No ending”

Heidi+Klum+”no bra”

“James Cameron”+”oscar speech”+asshole

“Spy satellite”+”size of a bus”+”blown out of the sky”


“Space garbage”+fall+kill

“Space garbage”+”size of a bus”+fall+kill

Lighting+”space debris”+”car accident”+”random violence”

Lighting+”space debris”+”car accident”+”random violence”+nihilist

“How do I become a nihilist?”

“How do I become a nihilist in Osh Kosh, Wis.?”

nihilism+”starter kit”

“Osh Kosh, Wis.” + “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Monday, February 25, 2008 )

My beautiful sister recently tagged me with a MySpace open chain letter, requiring me to post 10 little known personal things about myself. Good on you sis! That fucking rocks. You are fucking God!

I would have done it sooner, but I was too busy writing to Congress about all the goddamned foreigners taking all the beautiful golden Oscar statuettes and shipping them overseas.

Because I don’t think I’m that interesting, I’d like to focus on 10 little known things about my friend, Arliss Treacle.

1. Can’t sleep without he’s got his hand on his private parts.
2. Weren’t goin’ vote for Hillary Clinton ’til Tina Fey done told him to do’t
3. Cain’t stand t’ masturbatin’ without thinkin’ ’bout more than at least three lil’ chippies all at the same time
4. Thinks that a giant naked silver lady on the side of a Galveston motel is some mighty fine art
5. He does as his boss says and shreds every’thin incriminatin’
6. Don’t like it but it’s dipped in lard and fried over hick’ry
7. He still knows in his heart that that LonelyGirl15 girl is real, even if she say she ain’t no more
8. He still prays ev’ry Sunday, even if his altar now has to be only inside his heart … Seein’ as he was run out of church for the fondlin’
9. Likes to eat beast, but sometimes also prefers him some critter
10. Likes to say “that dog won’t hunt.” Because his dog, she won’t hunt.

OK. That’s it. Oh, yeah. About Eric:

1. I like chocolate too much.
2. I thought “Pulp Fiction” was overrated
3. I can’t multi-task and if you ask me to I get pissy and vinegary
4. I have never taken a guitar lesson, which I’m very proud of.
5. I have never taken a voice lesson, which everybody is very irritated about
6. I was intensely jealous of all the Academy Award winners, except for the French girl who won best actress because who the hell is she anyway?
7. I love my family very much because they accept all my evil thoughts and twisted sense of humor. I love my sister especially because she happens to also share all my thoughts and evil twisted sense of humor
8. I always order the same thing in restaurants, and have many times found myself in one of those moments like Miranda from “Sex in the City,” where a Chinese person reads my order back to me and laughs because she already knows what it is. In fact, when I used to go to this place in Brooklyn, the restaurant owners’ children would sing my order out the minute I walked in the door. Very funny, little bastards.
9. I also cannot sleep without my hand coverin’ my private parts.
10. I have very few enemies. But I keep two in the back of my mind on a very short, angry little list slashed with razor blades and soaked with blood. You know who you are.

All right. This letter says I must tag 10 people. But I don’t want you to feel obligated. Just do it because in your heart you know it’s the right thing and your heart is heavy having to keep such 10 secrets like these inside.

Marc, Natalie, Stacy, Monica, Kari, Gene, Corey, David, John, Flight of the Conchords.

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(Originally posted Sunday, February 24, 2008 )

Things We Will Learn At the 80th Annual Academy Awards

–*”Paillettes” is the French word for sequins and there’s a genocide going on in the Sudan

–*George Clooney will be seriously romantically linked to someone, but he will be as noncommital about it to the press as he likely is to the poor girl herself

–*We will find out which of the hottest female stars have “baby bumps,” which is proof positive that these moist starlets are sexually active

–*We’ll find out which starlet with a giant ugly bow on her dress will have rotting pieces of turkey meat thrown at her

–*We’ll find out which actors died this past year besides Heath Ledger, who will likely get the death pimp spot by being named last

–*Abe Vigoda will not be among these people, because THE MAN IS STILL ALIVE. Don’t believe me? There’s a Web site devoted to his life status. (A side note, he lives on my block in New York and I saw him buying fruit two weeks ago. I shit you not. The man is fucking not dead.)

–*Jessica Alba has no business being anywhere near an Oscar, but at least her baby bump proves that she is sexually active, so we’re letting her in.

–*Daniel Day-Lewis, like all great method actors, is a shy person who gives boring speeches, and would be better off not coming up to the podium at all

–*Some female star will profess over and over on the red carpet that she is completely devoted to the man by her side, her husband — which means there is trouble at home.

–*We don’t give Oscars to funny Frenchies whose names we can’t pronounce, in movies we never heard of. I’m looking in your direction, Marion Cotillard

–*The dialogue from “Juno” will be said “to crackle,” and that means it really starts to get irritating on repeated viewings.

–*John Stewart will host, and though he is funny, he would likely not wear Javier Bardem’s Dora wig from “Old Country For Old Men,” like inveterate ham Billy Crystal would have

–*Laura Linney. Subtle. Not showy. Won’t win.

–*Spike. Catherine. Jack. Warren. Cameron. Verbs. George. Harrison. Denzel. Verbs. Al Gore. Oprah. Tom. Katie. Verbs.

–*The sentiment “I’m so happy to be here,” will be uttered with various degrees of false conviction

–*We might find out who Miley Cyrus is. Even though I was working really hard to not know who she was, because I realize that there is absolutely nothing about her that is necessary to my fulfillment, enlightenment, education or understanding as an adult of the way things are.

–*British thespian great Tom Wilkinson reveals his abiding love for the TV show “Friends,” which shows the American success at rotting Europe from within by exposing it to our addictive low culture.

–*Cate Blanchett and Julie Christie will divide the vote of those who love gold standard British actresses, thus throwing the Oscar to a too-young Ellen Page and ruining her career Anna Paquin-style.

–*2007 will be remembered as the year in film of cute pregnant teens and shooting people in the brain with captive bolt cattle guns.

UPDATE: I was wrong about Ellen Page. Guess I blew the Oscar pool. No, actually I mean, that French woman ruined the Oscar pool. Everybody’s Oscar pool. Let’s find her address.

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Tax Refunds

(Originally posted Saturday, February 23, 2008 )

This spring, the Bush administration will be giving automatic tax refunds of anywhere from $300 for individuals to $1,200 for couples. How will Americans be spending the money?

–*Running down and saving New Orleans

–*Betting on No. 5, Lil’ Phar Lap

–*Taking it back and asking President Bush for gold or specie instead, since $300 is starting to look an awful lot like $175

–*Mailing it directly to Social Security, Medicaid and school lunch programs and other places it should have gone in the first place

–*Recirculating it back into the economy … and by that I mean back to the richest 1% of Americans, which is where recirculated money likes to go

–*Nailing it to the mizzenmast and promising it to whomever catches the dreaded white whale Moby Dick

–*Buying the plasma TV that I always knew Uncle George was going to get me as long as I kept voting Republican

–*Using it to open my own school, train my own police department, and build my own bridges and roads, because that’s what freedom from government tyranny is all about

–*Catching up on the last three months of overpriced cable

–*Buying a memorial plate embossed with a picture of Ronald Reagan, for it was he who first discovered that poor people would stab themselves in the back and sell their country to the Saudis as long as you rubbed their bellies and gave them a little extra scratch.

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Lorca the Duende

(Originally posted Saturday, February 23, 2008 )

Lyrics to a very fuzzy, distorted song, now available once again on ER Salo Deguierre’s page.

Lorca the Duende

Lorca the Duede
You sly little ghoul
He always knows my feelings
so long before I do
I see him in mirrors
Hear him shake the malinche trees
And haunt me on the day of the dead

He’s always watching
Troubling my sleep

Lorca the duende
He’s so slippery
He greets me at the mirror
And crawls through the sheets

What was the last thing
You said this morning?
Your lover’s going to leave you to die
But not I
I’ll always love you
Don’t waste all your time

No golden corona
No other persona

Lope Aguierre
A sly little ghoul
He always knows my feelings
So long before I do
I hear him in mirrors
Hear him shake through the lemon trees
And haunt me on the day of the dead
He’s always watching
Troubling my sleep

Salo Deguierre
I slash my wrists
With hollow-pointed bullets
And pills in my fists
He says that he loves me
Calls me out to the sea
Come down here and
We’ll live forever

What does he say?
A promise not broken
A face in the mirror
Hold me
The lights are all dim
And the water is cold
You are the last thing I see

Lorca the duende

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(Originally posted Saturday, February 23, 2008 )

48 Hours Mystery: Sexy Female Homicidal Blondes in the Church of the Nazarene Gone Wild

My Dad Fucked Your Mom (reality)

Laverne & Shirley look back at the Bosnian War

8 Fox
Are You Smarter Than a Sexual Predator?

11 CW
“Sex and the City,” neutered for people in the country

13 TBS
Wait, the neutered version of “Sex and the City” is on this channel too. That’s a lot of puns.

14 History Channel
Billy Ray Cyrus re-enacts all the parts in “Deliverance,” including the “squeal like a piggy boy” scene, in a one-man celebration of rural America.

28 Fox News
You’ve Got Geraldo All Over You

29 CNN
Anderson doesn’t do sexy dead college students. Don’t ask Anderson to do that again.

30 TLC
Let’s Make This Crack House Into a Home

31 E! Entertainment
Hollywood moms explain how negligence, perverted value systems and instant gratification can help you raise a celebrity sociopath

32 Discovery
Flip This Vasectomy

33 Bravo
Infomercial: How to get everything you want in life through wildly unrealistic expectations and anti-social behavior

40 Headline News
Hillary Clinton degraded herself in Texas, calling Barack Obama “Change you can Xerox.” We here at Headline News are going to keep rerunning this until Hillary, Barack Obama, CNN, John McCain, all our viewers and democracy in general are all degraded equally.

41 Toon Disney
Mighty Morphin’ Super Delegates

42 HBO
A new series: “I’ve Got a Lot Of Feelings”

43 Discovery
Are You Smarter Than the Egyptian Conjoined Twins?

44 Cinemax
Coyote Ugly 2: Coyote Stupid

48 Independent Film Channel
Brendon Sexton III wouldn’t be a celebrity if it weren’t for this channel

49 Lifetime
“My Slutty Daughter Is Trying To Be Sluttier Than I Am” (a movie event)

50 Showtime
Jesus! Liam Neeson did a lot of shitty movies in the ’80s, didn’t he? There are like, five of them on tonight. God he must have egg on his face right about now.

51 The Movie Channel
Do you ever feel like some nerdy cable programmer is sitting in his dark lonely editing room, plotting to embarrass today’s female stars by finding their most embarrassing nude scenes from 1986 and rerunning them?

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(Originally posted Thursday, February 21, 2008 )

2008 Presidential Election Multiple Choice Quiz

1. Recent disclosures that John McCain had a close relationship with a female lobbyist during his 2000 presidential election will:

a) Hurt McCain’s reputation among those who believe him to be a principled, candidate who stands on ethics and scruples in his campaigning
b) Blow up in the face of those who floated the story, creating sympathy for McCain among those who smell a Monica Lewinsky-type smear campaign against a good man; and thus give him an even stronger edge in November.
c) Will cause Viagra sales to boom, leading to many people’s discovery of the much touted Viagra “blue flash”

2. In tonight’s presidential debate in Texas, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama hedged previous comments about normalizing relations with Cuba. Obama said he would:

a) Try to engage in talks with Cuba, goading the small island toward Democracy with carrot and stick measures.
b) Wait until the country bans restrictions on the press and releases political prisoners before opening a dialogue
c) Create an open door policy to Raul Castro, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Daniel Ortega, Ho Chi Minh, Che Guevara, and other revolutionary leaders to start the United States down the inexorable path toward collectivization and socialism, frog marching land owners and business leaders into agrarian re-education camps.

3. Hillary Clinton’s campaign has recently said Barack Obama plagiarized some passages from a speech made by his friend, and during the debate in Texas, she called Barack’s message “change you can Xerox.” When this line failed to make an impression with the audience, Hillary added:

a) Sorry, Bill wrote that
b) You’re all sexists!
c) That was a joke! I’ll be in town all week. Please tip your waitress.

4. Hillary Clinton has been lauded recently for her willingness to show emotion on the campaign trail by shedding tears. What has she said while crying?

a) “This race is just too important.”
b) “You’re all so fucking stupid.”
d) “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a country, asking it to love her.”

5. Many people would like to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama together on a ticket. What is more likely to happen?

a) A camel will walk through the eye of a needle
b) Your cat will start talking in iambic pentameter
c) Herpes will be cured with a clever mixture of vinegar, Windex and Pine-Sol

6. What are the big differences between Hillary Clinton’s and Barack Obama’s universal health care plans?

a) Obama’s plan would allow some people to opt out while Hillary Clinton’s plan would mandate that everybody pays in.
b) Hillary’s plan could subsidize the insurance industry by allowing it to set prices for products you are required to buy
c) I’m a Republican and I stopped listening because I knew they were talking about “socialized medicine” and that was the official Republican “off” switch to my brain.

7. A new CNN diagnostic tool tests viewer reaction to candidate’s answers by measuring:

a) The number of hits on a button labeled “positive”
b) Galvanic skin response
c) An electroencephalogram
d) Drool

8. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s positions in immigration differ in what ways?

a) Hillary is totally dedicated to that half of a stupid fence she voted to help build.
b) Obama is only somewhat dedicated to that stupid, nonsensical completely useless one-half of a stupid fence that has been built.
c) Both Obama and Hillary are completely dedicated to the real issue of immigration, which is winking coyly at the right wing by giving them a completely unworkable fence that ignores enormous socio-economic realities but somehow keeps their dumb asses happy, while meanwhile the candidates work on a rational path to citizenship that immigrants and business owners and non-xenophobes are all happy with.

9. Obama is dedicated to keeping the nation’s military the strongest in the world by:

a) training the military properly
b) giving the military proper tools
c) helping the military put its boots on and pull up its underwear
d) not doing anything to directly hinder the military such as giving the military wrong phone numbers and wrong directions and lying to the military about what time he will meet the military for lunch.

10. To prove that they are friends and not engaging in a backbiting smear campaign, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in their Texas debate:

a) Shook hands
b) Embraced
c) Soul kissed
d) Did the reverse cowgirl followed by missionary

11. Why is the New York Times the biggest enemy of conservatives?

a) It has shown a consistent liberal bias against conservative values and Republicans in particular.
b) It has shown a willingness to reveal American governmental secrets in times of war
c) Frank Rich was too hard on the Broadway musical production “Oh, Kay”

12. Why does Rush Limbaugh have a problem with John McCain?

a) McCain believes in global warming
b) He’s against torture
c) McCain is a smart conservative, and Limbaugh has done much better by narrowcasting to idiot mouth breathers

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