Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, February 25, 2008 )

My beautiful sister recently tagged me with a MySpace open chain letter, requiring me to post 10 little known personal things about myself. Good on you sis! That fucking rocks. You are fucking God!

I would have done it sooner, but I was too busy writing to Congress about all the goddamned foreigners taking all the beautiful golden Oscar statuettes and shipping them overseas.

Because I don’t think I’m that interesting, I’d like to focus on 10 little known things about my friend, Arliss Treacle.

1. Can’t sleep without he’s got his hand on his private parts.
2. Weren’t goin’ vote for Hillary Clinton ’til Tina Fey done told him to do’t
3. Cain’t stand t’ masturbatin’ without thinkin’ ’bout more than at least three lil’ chippies all at the same time
4. Thinks that a giant naked silver lady on the side of a Galveston motel is some mighty fine art
5. He does as his boss says and shreds every’thin incriminatin’
6. Don’t like it but it’s dipped in lard and fried over hick’ry
7. He still knows in his heart that that LonelyGirl15 girl is real, even if she say she ain’t no more
8. He still prays ev’ry Sunday, even if his altar now has to be only inside his heart … Seein’ as he was run out of church for the fondlin’
9. Likes to eat beast, but sometimes also prefers him some critter
10. Likes to say “that dog won’t hunt.” Because his dog, she won’t hunt.

OK. That’s it. Oh, yeah. About Eric:

1. I like chocolate too much.
2. I thought “Pulp Fiction” was overrated
3. I can’t multi-task and if you ask me to I get pissy and vinegary
4. I have never taken a guitar lesson, which I’m very proud of.
5. I have never taken a voice lesson, which everybody is very irritated about
6. I was intensely jealous of all the Academy Award winners, except for the French girl who won best actress because who the hell is she anyway?
7. I love my family very much because they accept all my evil thoughts and twisted sense of humor. I love my sister especially because she happens to also share all my thoughts and evil twisted sense of humor
8. I always order the same thing in restaurants, and have many times found myself in one of those moments like Miranda from “Sex in the City,” where a Chinese person reads my order back to me and laughs because she already knows what it is. In fact, when I used to go to this place in Brooklyn, the restaurant owners’ children would sing my order out the minute I walked in the door. Very funny, little bastards.
9. I also cannot sleep without my hand coverin’ my private parts.
10. I have very few enemies. But I keep two in the back of my mind on a very short, angry little list slashed with razor blades and soaked with blood. You know who you are.

All right. This letter says I must tag 10 people. But I don’t want you to feel obligated. Just do it because in your heart you know it’s the right thing and your heart is heavy having to keep such 10 secrets like these inside.

Marc, Natalie, Stacy, Monica, Kari, Gene, Corey, David, John, Flight of the Conchords.