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Archive for February 22nd, 2009

(Originally posted Monday, August 11, 2008 )

What Are We Learning About the 2008 Olympics in Beijing?

–*New special wormhole technology invented in Asia allows swimmers to break records by swimming the 4×100 meter relay in less than a nanosecond.

–*Everybody swims faster when the pool, the water, the swimwear and the swimmers are invented by Boeing.

–*…and paid for by Adidas.

–*There are so many young happy Chinese people abounding in the former Peking, that you get the feeling there’s some kind of invidious “Logan’s Run” type of shenanigans going on

–*Not everything you see on television is real, whether it’s fireworks, air quality, economic prosperity in China or George Bush holding the seal of elected office

–*Performance enhancing drugs have no place in the athletic world, unless they are causing somebody to really really inspire us.

–*The Olympics are China’s announcement that it is now a major player on the world stage. Building a psychotically large dam wasn’t enough.

–*Competitiveness brings out the best in people. Unless they are married. Or raising children. Or are attending their high school reunion. Or they are part of a tight-knit group working together as a unit, such as an army platoon. Or living in a commonwealth in which duty to one’s fellow man should be of the utmost concern. OK, strike that: Competitiveness only brings out the best in athletes. And only once every four years. Otherwise it just makes you an asshole.

–*It’s wrong to round up the beggars and homeless and sweep them under the rug before the international press arrives at the Olympics. Shame on you China, for stooping to measures that would only be carried out in Atlanta, Georgia.

–*The Olympic torch bearer is a stirring symbol. Let’s get her!

–*Taiwan doesn’t exist.

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(Originally posted Monday, August 11, 2008 )

What’s In This Week’s Magazines:

Rolling Stone: “Shia Lebeouf: Crazy Sexy Critically Injured in Car Accident”

Newsweek: “The Russian War In South Ossetia: Is Nationalist Irredentist Revanchism Becoming Too Hip For Its Own Good?”

National Geographic: “What’s Causing the Collapse of Our Nation’s Sandstone Arches? Is Nature to Blame?”

Sports Illustrated: “China Removes Smog Just In Time for the Olympics With Deft Use of Adobe Photoshop”

U.S. Catholic Magazine: “‘This Whole Virgin Birth Thing Sounds Like a Crock,’ And Other Questions You Are Likely To Encounter From Your Catholic Teen”

U.S. News and World Report: “How Green Is Your Coal-Fired Power Plant?”

People “John Edwards’ Affair: How Will It Affect Global Climate Change and Rampant Poverty and Russo-Georgian Relations?”

OK Magazine: “People Magazine Gets Photos of Brangelina’s Babies, But We’ve Got The Follow Up, Featuring Pictures of the Blood, the Umbilical Cords, the Afterbirth and Angelina’s Sexy, Sexy Anal Prolapse.”

Better Homes & Gardens: “Transform That Old Chair Into An Abortion Device”

Vegan Magazine: “Fake Leather S&M Gear: How To Be Cruel Without Being Cruel To Animals”

Leg Show: “You Wanted It, You Got It: It’s Just Nothing But Pages and Pages of Feet”

Details: “A Woman Who Is Supposed To Be Talking About Men’s Fashion Goes On A Post-Feminist Rant About How You Guys Don’t Hold The Door Open For Her Anymore”

Playboy: “This Week’s Nude Pictorials: A Distant 10th Place Runner Up On “Survivor,” An Olympic Gold Medalist from 1978, and Somebody Who Has Had Sex With One of the Coreys”

Insurance Magazine: “How Does Your Puny, Unimportant Existence Change The Math On An Actuarial Chart?”

Us Magazine: “An Interview With Leona Lewis, The Woman Who Sings That Song About How She Keeps Menstruating”

New York Times Magazine: “‘Statistically, I Don’t Even Exist’–One Munchkin’s Heartbreaking Tale”

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(Originally posted Friday, August 08, 2008 )

A recent new Yahoo! headline reads: “Australian Authorities Claim World’s Largest Seizure of Ecstasy”

If you were like me, you might have misread that headline the first time around. In fact, if I were to read it differently, I think one of these things might have just happened:

–*Australian authorities claim somebody had the largest seizure ever while on ecstasy

–*Authorities said an Australian claimed to have experienced ecstasy during the longest seizure in history

–The police claim to have seized the largest amount of Australians who’d taken ecstasy

–*Authorities claim to have seized the largest number of Australians taking ecstasy while seeing the band The Police

–*Authorities claim somebody had the largest ever seizure while seeing The Police on ecstasy

–*Authorities claim to have gone into seizure while seeing the rock band The Police, who were all on ecstasy

–*The rock band The Police has gone into seizure while a number of Australians took the largest amount of ecstasy ever

–*The largest number of Australians ever has seized the rock band the police while taking ecstasy

–*Localized epileptic seizure caused ecstasy in the largest-ever Australian policeman

–*Large people seized authority while the Australian police were on ecstasy

–*Ecstatic, large Australian policemen seized all the authority.

–*Or maybe it was just a drug bust. But I can’t tell.

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Chad The Dictator, Part IV

(Originally posted Friday, August 08, 2008 )

Chad The Dictator, Part IV

An ongoing serial by Eric Rasmussen

Chad had started me on military basic training in the Knucklers’ dorm room to prepare me for my upcoming trip where we would go back and retake his father’s government in Krazikistan from the rebels.

We did calisthenics every morning, followed by a six-mile run. He had me go to the firing range and learn how to draw beads on black rags and soda cans that were supposed to be the enemy. He gave me a C+ for marksmanship.

“Well what do you expect?” I said. “I was supposed to go to Goldman Sachs, not invade Suckistan.”

“It’s Krazikistan. And show a little pride, Ghazi Hunsacker.”

“Ghazi? What’s that?”

“You’re a warrior of the true faith.”

“A holy warrior? I’m not sure …”

“Look, it’s just for PR purposes. Don’t sweat it. It’ll sound cool to a stripper anyway.”

“Oh.”

“Front and center!”

I knew what that meant. Stand up ramrod straight. I jumped up out of the bunk and stood at attention.

“This is one of the most important disciplines for a ghazi warrior,” he said. “I want you to stand in this position for 20 hours.”

“Stand here?”

“Yes. Don’t move. You can’t even swat a fly or wipe sweat off your face or pee.”

“Wha? I got AB calculus coming up.”

“Did you disobey a direct order from your commanding officer?”

“No sir.”

“When you’re on the mountains of the province of Al-Baha alone and naked with nothing to eat but rats, dog face, you’ll learn to love your commanding officer so much you want to fuck his aching sphincter for hours and beg for mercy, rat killer. I won’t spare the rod….”

“Yes sir. Thank you sir.”

So he left and I stood there like that for 12 hours straight in my room at the Tomb. I stood there like that from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. About four of my fellow Knucklers came in and asked me what I was doing and I didn’t answer, except to say that I was there under direct orders from my commanding officer, the president, caliph, Caesar and sublime porte of Krazikistan whose style is “Your Excellency,” the great Chad the Dictator.

One of these swells finally gets wise to the idea that I’m not moving under any circumstances and that’s when people start putting post-it notes, toilet paper, “kick me” signs and sandwich boards on me. One wisenheimer even pulls my pants down and puts underwear on over my head.

“Dude,” one of the Knucklers, Brian, finally tells me, laughing hysterically. “Chad’s got you on a closed-circuit camera. He’s broadcasting you all over the Internet.”

That fucker. I’d been owned, tricked and tucked up. Bastige!

I raced through the Tomb shouting “Chad your ass is mine! I’ll shag your mum six ways till Sunday!”

I found him in the cafeteria with half a dozen honeys and a TV set, where they had honed in on me and my deeply shameful display. A few of the girls tried to calm me down and cozy up to me, telling me how cute it reall was to see me so helpless, but I was already hell for leather after that fucker, who was climbing out the window laughing his ass off. All this after I’d taken a fraternal oath to help him save his backwards ass country.

Later, we were lying in our bunks smoking cigarettes, both our mouths covered with blood from the multiple rabbit punches we’d given each other about the face and neck.

“I’ve already been hazed to become a Knuckler. I don’t need it again to get into the Krazikistan Army.”

“Hunsacker,” Chad says. “I was thinking tonight, when I was getting a hand job in the cafeteria and watching your ignominious closed-circuit display, that we have it easy here in America. I just wanted you to get a taste of real total pain that my people feel every day when they don’t have a strong president. Any day now my father’s regime will fall. And that’s when you and I are going to be there, guns blazing, getting it back. And then, when you’re on the cusp of glory, looking out over Mount Ghazi with all the gold of Krazikistan at your feet and a group of hot houris on your arm, you’ll thank me.”

I thought about this for a while.

“I’m not doing it for the gold or the pussy,” I said.

“Then why are you doing it?”

“I’m doing it for the glory. And to give your mother a golden shower.”

“You keep dreaming, Ace.”

Then he fell asleep with a cigarette dangling in his puckering mouth, as sweet as a four-year-old girl’s. This was the leader of men. A man whose people’s future was invested in his person. A man whose story was the story of a people itself.

I shaved off his eyebrows and superglued them to his cheeks. Then I went to bed.

You can read Part III of this short story here.

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(Originally posted Thursday, August 07, 2008 )

What’s On TV Tonight, Aug. 7, 2008

2 CBS
“Flashpoint,” Episode 18. Canadians don’t have to use tasers and submachine guns to get the job done. They use their wits and feelings. In this episode, C-4 plastic explosives sit unused.

3 ABC
Fictional characters from “Grey’s Anatomy” invade the medical documentary “Hopkins,” both claiming and declaiming that “We will not let this child die!” to rapturous applause.

4 NBC
America’s Got Offshore Oil

5 PBS
Frontline: But you can only get it if you’re willing to pay the higher prices to develop the expensive technology to smash the rocks and drill 10 miles down into the ocean floor, which pretty much defeats the purpose of keeping it cheap

5 PBS
Oh yeah, and “Antiques Roadshow” is on, too. Featuring the antique buggies we’re going to be riding in when all the oil runs out.

10 CW
Demographic shifts and a graying populace suggest that these supernatural ghost shows will not themselves die out anytime soon.

11 Univision
A telenovella whose translated name means something like “Papa Is Whacked Out Of His Brains on Cervezas!”

13 Animal Planet
Dying polar bears party like it’s 1999.

14 Bio
I’m sorry, what the hell is “Biography” really going to tell you about free-love hippies that you wouldn’t get out of a book? Oh yeah! Footage of naked chicks.

15 A&E
I Survived … the George Bush administration

16 Headline News
Lots of preliminary coverage of Barack Obama’s upcoming vacation. Several pundits are interviewed, and Obama’s willingness to go on vacation is greatly heralded by George W. Bush supporters, who are relieved to see a leader spend so much time not applying himself to the businsess of governing, a man who has the confidence to go on long, idle respites and thus instill confidence in his nation that nothing is wrong and nothing needs to be taken too seriously like terror, environmental cataclysm, economic Malthusian deprivation or anthrax.

17 Fox News
Fox and Friends ventriloquize salacious French boors out of their navels

18 Bravo
A guy with a pork pie hat, a guitar and gonorrhea would take this show to the next level.

19 CNN
Larry King’s being awake would take this Larry King show to the next level

19 CNN
Anderson Cooper is ordered by his bosses do a segment on the Paris Hilton presidential spoof video, and he somehow deftly ties it into a second-day lead on concerns about John McCain’s advancing age. That ability to twist entertainment into news and vice versa is why Anderson makes the big bucks.

20 E! Entertainment Television
Pamela Anderson uses scientific philosopher Karl Popper’s method of empirical falsification to prove that she exists

21 Vh-1
Tila Tequila also proves she exists, but with her, it’s all about the feces.

22 MTV
“I Hate All Women Because I Can’t Marry My Mom,” a reality show with way too much information

23 Sci Fi
Pythons

24 Cinemax
Trouser Snakes

25 TV Land
The ghost of George Clooney past walks these halls with coiffure that is a nightmare to behold.

27 TBS
Somewhere in hell, “Major League II” is on all the time. Well, hell turns out to be right here on TBS.

200-250 HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, The Movie Channel
About 49 channels of straight to video garbage with lots of things like slashers and softcore porn and Shia LaBeouf. And then there’s that one channel showing “The Graduate.” Thanks, Time Warner Cable. You’ve really made that $140 a month worth it.

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Obama’s Prayer

(Originally posted Wednesday, August 06, 2008 )

When Barack Obama recently visited Jerusalem, he placed a written prayer in the cracks of the Western Wall, where it is said one has “God’s ear,” but the prayer was taken by a reporter and then published in a Israeli newspaper, an act that elicited much outrage.

What was it Obama wrote?

–*”Vote for me, God. Love Obama.”

–*”Next stop, Tomb of Rachel.”

–*”God, please take this publicity stunt as a tribute to you and your greatness.”

–*”If you’re reading this, you are a newspaper reporter who stole my prayer, and now God won’t get it and the prayer won’t come true, and now I won’t be able to lead the American people with steadfast righteousness as I had implored God in my note, thanks a lot.”

–*”A man can’t even blow his shofar around here without there being a riot among peoples.”

–*”Honk if you’ve got no country.”

–*”Nobody in Israel supports me, God, so I realize that I’m pretty much just pissing in the wind here.”

–*”I only hope that I am worthy to stand in front of this breathtaking symbol of history’s ethnic and religious tolerance.”

–*”Jesus saves.”

–*”God, I can’t think of a more fitting silence from you in a more fitting place to show that you absolutely don’t give a shit about mankind.”

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(Originally posted Sunday, August 03, 2008 )

John McCain has recently helped close the gap in Barack Obama’s poll numbers by running a series of attacks on his rival. What are some of the key issues that McCain is raising?

–*McCain says Obama has made no attempt to hide the fact that he is black.

–*McCain has likened Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, mocking the Illinois senator’s pop culture appeal. “Elections are not some kind of popularity contest,” says McCain.

–*McCain accuses Obama of supporting the surge in Iraq but still being against the war. In other words, Obama selectively supports things that are helpful and opposes things that are bad. And that’s just too complicated for average Americans.

–*Obama says he does not look like any of the people on U.S. paper money. But he’d be happy to lend his name to the U.S. dollar if he thought he could bring it up from its current value of 45 cents.

–*McCain says Obama’s campaign has messianic and religious overtones. This greatly angers Republicans, who vehemently declare that exploiting crazy religious crusader zealotry is a crass, patented trick that has always rightly belonged to the GOP alone.

–*McCain accuses Obama of being willing to lose the war in Iraq just 16 months after acceding to office, while stalwart war hawk McCain is willing to go on losing the war for another 8 years.

–*McCain has accused Obama of being willing to lose the war in Iraq just to get elected. … However, just a minute later, he just saw through this error in logic, because that would mean the blame of losing the war would actually fall on the people who are electing Obama–in other words, the American people.

–*McCain accuses Obama of being like the rest of the American people.

–*McCain says that Obama is riding around with the presumptive arrogance of someone who has already achieved the throne, a right reserved for white Republicans.

–*McCain accuses Obama of being somehow above attack. Which is pretty much true, at least if McCain’s own attacks are any indication.

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