Archive for February 5th, 2009

(Originally posted Tuesday, February 12, 2008 )

A Poem Comprising Random “American Idol” Bits Compacted For Your Convenience

“I’m a single mom…single mom…this is for my father who died…died in a car wreck…Type II diabetes…died last week…I’ve worked so hard … I just wanted a chance… …Type II diabetes…I want to dedicate this to my daughter … I’m a single mom……dad died…Typhoid…my father…my single mom…Type II diabetes…dat was the bomb…cancer….only 16…you can literally hear a pin drop…pressure is so intense…Type II diabetes…you’ve got that Carole King thing going on…I’m special and if they can’t see that …FU Simon…like my drunk uncle at a wedding…your spirit really breaks through …Type II diabetes … that was pitchy dawg…this is your moment…pitchy dawg…. this is your moment…you really shine…you really shine…Bryan Adams song… can’t breathe…Type II diabetes…say yes or no, Paula…pitchy dawg…you’ve got that kind of Janis Joplin thing …torture…Bryan Adams song…yes it’s true, everything I do I do for you…I’m saving myself for marriage … unbelievably bad … dead father … best audition of the day….torture … dead father … Type II diabetes … I’ve had enough. Goodbye…best audition of the day…poor…I live on a farm … abstinence … if my friends in Mexia, Texas could see me now…you’re not going to sing a Whitney Houston song, are you? … it’s just my daughter and me now…dead father…not good enough…chickens…dead father … stop singing stop singing…I’m on welfare…you’re not going to sing an Aretha Franklin song, are you? … you’re like a white person singing black songs …best audition of the day…this is your moment…I’ve always found it hard being the fat girl in class with two illegitimate children … I’m finding it hard to believe we’re in heaven…the pressure is excruciating…that was excruciating….stop….stop….stop.”

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Hating Hillary

(Originally posted Monday, February 11, 2008 )

Despite Her More Moderate Stance, Why Do Conservatives Continue To Hate Hillary Clinton?

–*They greatly fear a return to eight years of peace and prosperity.

–*They hate socialized medicine. And by that I mean they hate the sound of the words “SOASH-ill-ized MED-ee-sin.” What the words mean, they have no idea.

–*She and her husband Bill are bad liars, and conservatives prefer somebody who can lie with utter conviction.

–*They can’t believe she didn’t kick Bill to the curb for cheating. Thus failing to realize that “Ryan’s Hope” and stewardship of the U.S. executive branch are not actually the same thing.

–*She’s just way too smart for her own good, and by that they mean she’s too smart to run a huge bureaucracy, the world’s largest military, and the world’s largest economy.

–*They think that she has a falsely burnished heterosexual record.

–*The Clintons are polarizing figures. And what’s worse, according to conservatives: “They are not on my pole.”

–*They don’t like wily lawyers such as Hillary with their legal mumbo-jumbo. They prefer somebody who just cuts the Gordian knot and writes his own laws. Like Hitler.

–*They worry about a return to the years of the Whitewater non-scandal.

–*They worry about a return to the years of the Monica Lewinsky non-scandal.

–*They believe America is weary of the Clintons–rather than simply weary of how obnoxious conservatives become when a Clinton is president.

–*If she gets elected, Bill’s just going to keep fucking and fucking and fucking and fucking.

–*She reminds conservatives that in the ’90s they were worried about the U.N. spying on their houses in black helicopters. And they just don’t worry about that anymore now that George Bush is taking care of them with domestic phone surveillance, the infiltration of peace groups, the arrogation of power to politicized shadow organizations, the establishment of Eastern European gulags, and the systematized torture of undesirables.

–*There’s something French about her.

–*She won’t be tough and find a trumped up reason to invade Iran.

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(Originally posted Sunday, February 10, 2008 )

Greatly Anticipated Events At This Year’s Grammy Awards

–*Sixty-six year-old jazz legend Keely Smith and Kid Rock perform a duet of one of Liz Phair’s “I want to fuck you doggie style” songs.

–*Carole King, rather than sing one of her own songs, asks Courtney Love to do it, “because Courtney does it so much better.”

–*Ornette Coleman, a living genius, doesn’t perform himself but instead introduces some boy band that’s not fit to wipe his black ass.

–*Oh. Boy. Wow. There’s John Mayer.

–*What’s Joe Mantegna doing there?

–*The sight of Norah Jones comforts many old people.

–*There’s Ringo. He’ll do anything.

–*Timbaland realizes how much better George Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue” would have been if he had sampled it and put Nelly Furtado on it.

–*Natalie Cole and Tony Bennett remember Doris Day. Who was part of the problem back in the day.

–*Lots of red carpet shots of Nelly Furtado, who is part of the problem now.

–*Stevie Wonder half-speaks, half sings everything, including the words “I have to go to the bathroom” and “I hear Imogen Heap dresses like a bag lady.”

–*Imogen Heap is dressed as a bag lady

–*Earl Scruggs is remembered. But not too much.

–*Amy Winehouse sings very well by coordinating her lips, teeth, tongue, throat and diaphragm. Or not.

–*Chris Daughtry is here with his band wondering if there is anything anywhere that needs ruining with their presence.

–*Amy Winehouse racks up many Grammy wins, making her imminent untimely death that much sadder.

–*Berry Gordy’s alive?

–*There are sure to be lots of commercials by banks.

–*Once again, imagination is the big loser of the evening.

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(Originally posted Saturday, February 09, 2008 )

48 Hours Mystery: She was a beauty queen, but now she’s dead. Thank God you are not this dead beauty queen, dear viewer.

Law & Order: Clam Bake!

The Insider: Pat O’Brien politely asks Britney Spears to commit suicide on the air for him.

8 Fox
American Idol ups the ante on Hollywood Week by handing all the judges and contestants and Ryan Seacrest their own .38 snub noses.

13 PBS
Austin City Limits: I get the unsettling feeling that this blues singer is singing about something other than just sugar in this song. I think “sugar” is some kind of metaphor.

19 E! Entertainment Television
Britney utters the enigmatic word “Rosebud.”

19 E! Entertainment Television
Giuliana Rancic now appears to be some sort of expert on selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and borderline personality disorder, in addition to having a kickin’ profile

20 MTV
“Gag A Maggot!” (Reality)

20 MTV
“Dude! What Did You Put in My Mouth?” (Reality)

20 MTV
My Gay Dad Won’t Stop Talking About All His Gay Sex (Reality)

22 Fox News
Sean Hannity asks the question that most desperately needs to be asked during this campaign season: “Why haven’t Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili made a porno yet?”

23 Fashion TV
This season’s new designer dress bias cuts, skin tones and hip gussets say just one thing: “You’re a liar!”

30 Discovery Kids
Children discover Ativan, Serax, Klonopin, Valium, and all the other magical benzodiazepines that made up the contents of Anna Nicole Smith’s stomach.

38 Bravo
Infomercial: “What’s The Matter, Shithead? Can’t Find A Date?”

40 CNN
Mike Huckabee on the polls: “I don’t understand math, I understand miracles.” I wish that this were just a joke. But unfortunately he did say this to a group of adults.

42 Court TV
To Catch an Introvert

48 Comedy Central
A seven-hour informercial for old box sets of “The Midnight Special.” For Christ’s sake, you could waste less of our time by just re-running the fucking thing!

57 HBO
A horrible voice-over continues to ruin the film “Little Children” on second and third viewings.

58 Showtime
“Notes on a Scandal” would have been so much better with a shoot-out.

MSNBC thinks Chelsea Clinton is being “pimped out” by the Clinton campaign. Join us now as we envision Chelsea as a child prostitute in a steamy New Orleans flophouse at the turn of the century and that her real father is a pimp named “Goldy.”

62 Headline News
Conservatives demand a big tax rebate, specifically they want the body armor ripped off the Iraq soldiers and sent to their houses.

84 Ovation
Eve Ensler adds 172 new pet names for female genitalia to “The Vagina Monologues,” including “hair harbor,” “the thank-you hole,” and the “muy-muy.”

You know you’re suffering from existential depression if you’ve been watching videos of kittens for the last hour. Steph?

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(Originally posted Friday, February 08, 2008 )

I’ve noticed that there just aren’t enough super-cool TV catch-phrases coming out anymore. Nothing as good as “D’oh!” or “I’m comin’ Elizabeth, this is the Big One!” or “Well excuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeee!” or “But nooooooooo!” So, herewith I offer some of my very own home-incubated TV catch phrases for any show that wants them for a modest fee of only $1.5 million apiece.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“This is completely ass!”

“Well that‘s a brain-gasm.”

“You’re all racists!”

“Do I not look busy to you, Mr. President?”

“Now this is a cock up!”

“Now that‘s what I call incest!”

“Slide me some Benjamins, cuz!”

“Oral retentive strikes again!”

“Very suspect!”

“Just waterboard me, why don’t ya?”

“Very execution style!”

“C-4 Plastic Explosive!”

“Very French, dad.”

“You’re so 420.”

“Das off da hook, Ichabod!”

“On my honor, sir!”

“Gott in himmel, Adolf!”

“Hey, if gay works for you…”

“Owww! Iwo Jima!”


“Ma shagah nagha!”

“Oy! What a week!”

“Why did I have a family of frummers?”

“Knock, knock! It’s colostomy time!”

“What a horrible country!”

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Seek Love

(Originally posted Friday, February 08, 2008 )

Seek Love, Variable Stochastic
A Pome
by Eric Rasmussen

Seek love — variable stochastic;
Seek variances of mean, efficient frontiers.

In kitchens begin responsibilities single not single-minded I can’t believe her hank of hair it filled my hands love the sin not the sinner seek dissociation slick perverse be in three places false and furious breath has no dominion be the small beauty stupid imperfect his loudness at the edge of reason white knives herniate toward the imagined recklessness holiness and fear girls need razors too recursive and enumerable it had hands and willed to the emergent property bed wet with dream in divisions begin dreams wond’rous rapt eaten by pain and loss smells like tuna velocity and position not maintained truth not mechanically proved in a tongue and asshole begin procedure sticky condom cock abbreviated wonder soul spandex essence voile kiss the baby looks like us purple and sensitive testicles at beck and call boggling Jesus in reorganizing principles begin nature kissing kissing us again begging for another chance oh please another chance volant tits vanilla scream off-softing into day
Love, evol, lveo …

Seek love, variable stochastic

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Super Tuesday Haiku

(Originally posted Thursday, February 07, 2008 )

Super Tuesday Haiku

McCain rises now
Mending fences with rock-rib
conservatives. Not!

Hillary must run
The long distance marathon
now. Got ten million?

Huckabee makes a
Bold stand in the south; so did
Jefferson Davis

Mitt Romney steps back
For the good of the party.
“I’m pro-choice, suckers!”

Barack Obama
Has a feather in his cap:
Rich white guys like him?

Hill is a big hit
With the women and the poor.
Latinos? Anybody?

Meanwhile George Bush is
Planning to invade Iran
While we’re not looking

Conservatives say
Next prez will be too mushy
We must attack now

Can anybody stop
These looney people from their
Evil plans? Hill? John?

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 06, 2008 )

Highly embarrassing questions from a hit TV show “The Moment of Truth.”

–*”Did you have plastic surgery to get into a beauty pageant in Venezuela?”

–*”Have you ever written a poem with the words ‘rainbow’ and ‘unicorn’ and ‘sunbeam’ and ‘magical’ and “one-eyed wonder worm” in it?”

–*”Have you ever cheated on your wife?”

–*”Have you ever cheated on your wife with someone who wasn’t as pretty and who was fatter just to make it hurt more?”

–*”Have you ever hugged a puppy to death?”

–*”Have you ever stolen money from your child’s savings to gamble?”

–*”Have you ever stolen money from you child’s savings just to teach him a lesson that life’s not fair?”

–*”Would you eat your young?”

–*”Did you have that sixth autistic child just to get on television?”

–*”Is that pleather?”

–*”Have you ever spread rumors that somebody was gay?”

–*”Was it Hillary Clinton?”

–*”Did you ever have a baby and give it up on the black market?”

–*”Did you get a good deal?”

–*”Have you ever called a friend a slut behind her back?”

–*”Can I have her phone number?”

–*”Have you ever flashed somebody out of a car window?”

–*”Was it a Chevy Nova?”

–*”Have you ever starred in a pornographic movie?”

–*”Did you fake the orgasm?”

–*”Even though you were the guy?”

–*”Did you come on this show because you have a sick need for attention?”

–*”Can I have your phone number?”

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Exit Polls

(Originally posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 )

The exit polls shaping the coverage shaping the media pundits shaping the debate shaping the future of the unreality known as politics.

11% of Californians say that the film “The Terminator” is influencing their decision to vote for John McCain in the Super Tuesday elections.

81% of New Yorkers say education is very important to them but 100% of them are showing their dedication to it only by saying so in this poll.

19% of Huckabee supporters think Huckabee cut a deal with McCain to divide up West Virgina at the expense of Mitt Romney, but 80% of those admit that watching TV pundits has made them feel smarter about these things than they actually are.

90% of Huckabee’s supporters in Idaho knew that he would use a New York Giants metaphor to refer to his underdog campaign.

80% of Oklahoma’s two dozen liberals are behind Hillary Clinton.

90% of people in Illinois listen only to Oprah.

51% of Massachusetts Republicans are winking when Mitt Romney says he’s conservative.

32% of Illinois voters believe that Huckabee’s campaign is inspiring in the way Old Yeller’s rabid instinct to live was inspiring.

33% of California voters believe when John McCain says the word “conservative” over and over he doth protest too much.

55% of New York voters think that Bill Clinton would make a better black first lady than Michelle Obama.

56% of Illinois voters say Obama’s sex appeal will put him over with those people who want to have sex with Barack Obama.

88% of voters in Minnesota say change is important, but, in a control sample, the same group also says they love puppies. Because how could you be against change or puppies?

55% of Californians say they are fed up with politics as usual in Washington, not realizing that that attitude is what got a freakish, unqualified moron ensconced in office several years ago.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 )

–*”I can’t believe you canceled out my vote, honey!”

–*”It’s time to answer for Santino, Hillary. I’m sorry … what I meant to say is that it’s time to answer for Iraq, Hillary.”

–*”Mitt is really an independent thinker. He’d have to be for a heretic.”

–*”McCain has really reached out to conservatives, and by that I mean he has lied through his teeth to them.”

–*”If conservatives have nobody to vote for, it might be because Americans are voting against conservatives this year. Did you ever think of that, weisenheimers?”

–*”I don’t know. There’s just nobody here as good as Bush.”

–*”Barack is the vote of change. … If you can say things like that out loud without laughing.”

–*”I want to vote for the candidate who’s going to make everything different. … Actually, no scratch that. Everything different might be pretty awful.”

–*”I voted for Kucinich. I’m just self-destructive that way.”

–*”It doesn’t matter what I do, nobody’s going to fix New Orleans.”

–*”It doesn’t matter what I do, nobody’s leaving Iraq.”

–*”It doesn’t matter what I do, nobody’s turning Bush over to the International Criminal Court.”

–*”It’s too late to save the planet. We might as well elect Charles Manson.”

–*”Oh, that’s right. We already did elect Charles Manson.”

–*”No, really. Did you cancel out my vote, honey? No sex for you tonight, asshole!”

–*”The Giants won! The Giants won! The Giants won!”

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