Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, February 11, 2008 )

Despite Her More Moderate Stance, Why Do Conservatives Continue To Hate Hillary Clinton?

–*They greatly fear a return to eight years of peace and prosperity.

–*They hate socialized medicine. And by that I mean they hate the sound of the words “SOASH-ill-ized MED-ee-sin.” What the words mean, they have no idea.

–*She and her husband Bill are bad liars, and conservatives prefer somebody who can lie with utter conviction.

–*They can’t believe she didn’t kick Bill to the curb for cheating. Thus failing to realize that “Ryan’s Hope” and stewardship of the U.S. executive branch are not actually the same thing.

–*She’s just way too smart for her own good, and by that they mean she’s too smart to run a huge bureaucracy, the world’s largest military, and the world’s largest economy.

–*They think that she has a falsely burnished heterosexual record.

–*The Clintons are polarizing figures. And what’s worse, according to conservatives: “They are not on my pole.”

–*They don’t like wily lawyers such as Hillary with their legal mumbo-jumbo. They prefer somebody who just cuts the Gordian knot and writes his own laws. Like Hitler.

–*They worry about a return to the years of the Whitewater non-scandal.

–*They worry about a return to the years of the Monica Lewinsky non-scandal.

–*They believe America is weary of the Clintons–rather than simply weary of how obnoxious conservatives become when a Clinton is president.

–*If she gets elected, Bill’s just going to keep fucking and fucking and fucking and fucking.

–*She reminds conservatives that in the ’90s they were worried about the U.N. spying on their houses in black helicopters. And they just don’t worry about that anymore now that George Bush is taking care of them with domestic phone surveillance, the infiltration of peace groups, the arrogation of power to politicized shadow organizations, the establishment of Eastern European gulags, and the systematized torture of undesirables.

–*There’s something French about her.

–*She won’t be tough and find a trumped up reason to invade Iran.