Archive for February 18th, 2009

(Originally posted Monday, June 23, 2008 )

TERRE HAUTE, IND (AP)–April Wilkerson was visiting her grandmother one night last May when she heard disconcerting sounds coming from Grandma Trudy’s bedroom. At first, she was worried that it might be an intruder or some kind of wild animal. To her utter horror, she discovered that her beloved grandmother was performing the act of sexual intercourse with a man she knew from the soda counter at the five and dime.

“I couldn’t believe it,” says April, who is 18 years old. “I have been in therapy ever since. How could this be happening in America?”

Across the nation, American teens like April are becoming increasingly distressed to find that their grandparents are engaging in sexual intercourse, sometimes more than once a month.

“It’s disgusting and immoral,” says Randall David, 17, of Pacific Palisades, Calif. “These are our grandparents we’re talking about. They’re the ones who remember our birthday and give us cookies. To think of them engaging in sex when they can’t possibly reproduce anymore just sickens and depresses me.”

David and Wilkerson recently corresponded by MySpace and have formed an outreach group called “Let’s Stop Old People From Having Sex.” Here they have met many others like them who say that the spread of “geriatric canoodling” is on the rise and is a cause of growing concern.

“What if they, like, die while they’re doing it?” asks Wilkerson. “I mean, they’re old. Anything could happen. I just don’t understand why they would want to even do something like that. You’re supposed to grow out of sex and start knitting or something.”

Marva Wainwright, a sex therapist in Austin, Texas, says that it is often the case that older people continue to have intercourse if they value it, and a recent New England Journal of Medicine study reports that a quarter of those between 75 and 85 were having regular sex. About one third of those said they had given or received oral sex in the last year.

“Uggghhhh!” screamed Wilkerson. “I’m gonna vomit! I can’t believe my freakin’ ears. I mean, it’s OK for teens to have sex, because we’re good looking and all, and our bodies are like, wanting it all the time. But for Grandma Trudy to do something like that … ugh, I can’t even think about that.”

Maribeth Lundegaard, a 17-year-old from Belleville, Kansas, who was recently named student council president at her high school, agreed with her peers.

“Sex is a serious topic,” says Lundegaard. “It is not only a matter of personal freedom, but a matter of social responsibility and personal morality that every person must give serious thought to before engaging in. That is why, as a teen, I have taken serious precautions and talked about my choices responsibly with a doctor. However, old people having sex is just disgusting.”

Asked about her sexual behavior, Wilkerson’s grandmother Gertrude Stuyvesant said, “MYOB. Mind your own beeswax. … April’s birthday is September 27.”

“Listen,” said David, “I love my Grandpa Dwayne. And he used to tell me lots of stories of being serviced in Mexico in the 1940s. But those were different times. He’s got to stop having sex right now. He doesn’t know what it could do. It’s like they told us in school … it could mess up your future.”

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(Originally posted Friday, June 20, 2008 )

What Things Are 8-Year-Olds Repeating That They Don’t Understand?

–*”We’ve got plenty of oil right here in American to drill.”

–*”Ethanol just won’t solve our problems.”

–*”I will end you.”

–*”Iron Man had a real gritty side.”

–*”It’s hard to be a Christian.”

–*”That’s socialized medicine for you!”

–*”I think there are too many flaws in Obama’s plan.”

–*”I think people just blame America first.”

–*”911 changed everything.”

–*”Our love is bigger than that!”

–*”This pool party is off da hook.”

–*”It’s hard to be a father.”

–*”I wish I could quit you.”

–*”I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

–*”Man doesn’t need any animal tissue at all.”

–*”A man and a woman can never really be friends. Sex always gets in the way.”

–*”What is the measure of a man?”

–*”I’m surrounded by philistines!”

–*”Hillary was only in it for Hillary.”

–*”A country without borders is not a country.”

–*”It’s a hard thing to kill a man.”

–*”Evolution just doesn’t make sense.”

–*”This is my fight, and I’ll fight it my way.”

–*”She’s my soul mate.”

–*I’ll never love again.”

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A Pre-911 Mindset

(Originally posted Friday, June 20, 2008 )

John McCain has recently gone on the attack against Barack Obama, saying his approach to international affairs displays a “pre-Sept. 11” mindset. What exactly constitutes the pre-911 mindset?

–*A mindset in which you did not have to attack any and all neighbors blindly

–*A disposition in which you went after the people who had harmed you rather than dispatching any type of foreigner who fit their description. You know, Sacco and Vanzetti style.

–*A love of Hootie and the Blowfish

–*A mild taste for pesto

–*A belief in the rule of law and the idea that it is only bad guys in the Soviet bloc who torture people

–*A belief that a president’s power should be curbed by either the Constitution or by having criminal Republican mole operatives feeding false information about him to conservative magazines whose readers’ imaginations don’t rise much above the smut level

–*A belief that America should be careful throwing weight around, because even a lightly used bit of American military power usually results in thousands of innocent people dying

–*A belief that health care for every American might be a noble goal to strive for, and that presidents wiretapping your phones might be less than desirable.

–*A belief that large-scale military operations are not perhaps the best answer to terror.

–*A reasonable outlook that says an attack by terrorists is not an act of war but an act of crime since there is no other country involved. Not to mention a reasonable outlook that says those who do call it war are demagogic–appealing only to the emotions of their audiences, who refuse to avail themselves of logic or insight.

–*And the saddest thing about the pre-911 mindset is that all of these are things conservatives used to believe, though I can’t vouch for the Hootie and the Blowfish part.

Do yourself a favor this November. If anybody uses 9-11 to win your vote, regard that person with the same wariness you would a child molester. Their ethics are pretty much the same at this point.

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Mr. Spriggs BBQ

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008 )

Stephanie and I found this on the “Funny Or Die” Web site. It’s funny enough as it is, but extra funny because it originated in my home town. Will Ferrell himself has selected it as his favorite this month and said, “This video makes me want to move to Oklahoma and eat Mr. Spriggs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

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How Are We Justifying?

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008 )

Top Ways We Are Rationalizing and Justifying What We Did

–*It was him or me

–*The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

–*They weren’t right together anyway.

–*I was stopping communism.

–*She was rich and didn’t need the extra baby.

–*I figured there was a good chance he was dead already, so why not go ahead and bury him.

–*He would have cheated first if he’d thought of it.

–*What difference does one shoplifted hat make?

–*I’m a Nietschean superman and I invent my own moral universe.

–*At least I’m smart enough to get paid for it.

–*Because money makes the world go round.

–*Because they were Jews.

–*Because they were not Jews.

–*Because I’m the one Anna Nicole really loved.

–*Because the safety of the planet is vested in my person as president of the U.S., and thus my office is infallible.

–*Because I am the living vicar of Christ and successor of St. Peter on Earth, and thus I am infallible.

–*The heart wants what it wants.

–*Mike Tyson need woman.

–*I am the jury. Pull my finger.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008 )

The New York Times‘ Amy Goodstone Live Blogs A Sexual Encounter With Boyfriend Brad Smithee

9:05 p.m. Brad’s watching a show on cable about geese, but then sees a bit of that one “Sex and the City” episode where Cynthia Nixon is naked

9:06 p.m. “We haven’t done it in a while.” “I know,” I say.

9:07 p.m. I go to brush my teeth. My scalp and feet are starting to itch and might change my mind, but he’s already taking off his clothes. When I come back in he’s already running around naked like a 4-year-old toddler with a sock puppet. He lies back and puts his hands around his head, as if everybody in the room is supposed to acknowledge his pripaic hood ornament and offer it obeisance.

9:08 p.m. I turn the light off. Brad asks me to turn it back on. “I like to see.” “But there’s a mirror there,” I say, “I don’t want to see myself or be seen by anybody to see me, including you. I haven’t been to the gym.”

9:16 p.m. Brad takes the mirror down and puts it in the other room. I crawl under the covers and turn on my side. Brad comes over and starts feeling around like he’s tuning a piano. His clothes are already off.

9:17 Brad sticks his hand under my shirt and starts moaning like Young Frankenstein. I think he’s being ironic at first, but he’s not.

9:18 Brad rips the covers off me and then takes off my clothes. I ask him if I can leave my socks on, but then he starts whining. So I take those off too.

9:22 p.m. We start the act. He wants fellatio, but he already went inside me. “Too late,” I snap.

9:23 p.m. I ask him which “Sex and the City” character I’m like. He says “Miranda” and I get pissed off.

9:24 p.m. I ask him what’s going through his mind. He says me. Liar.

9:27 p.m. I’m thinking about Don Knotts. This is going nowhere fast for me.

9:28 p.m. I ask him to tell me a story. An erotic story. “You mean like two strangers on a train?” he asks. That’s not really it, but I let him go with it. He’s talking about coming into my compartment and seducing me, but then comes up with some hokey thing about seeing a dead body fall from the top of the car, and I know he’s just getting off track.When he finally mentions lesbians, I kiss him to shut him up. “Just do it already.”

9:29 p.m. The dog’s looking at us and we gotta throw him out.

9:30 p.m. I’m still not sure about Obama’s health-care plan, I say. Brad isn’t paying attention, because he’s trying hard not to finish too quickly, but then he starts getting into it and says it was better than Hillary’s plan. Then we start talking about my dumb ass cousin who’s in hock up to her eyeballs.

9:31 p.m. Brad says he wouldn’t mind hitting my cousin. That pisses me off, but then I start thinking about it a bit and getting pissed off is kind of turning me on a little. I push his head down between my legs. “Assume the position,” I bark at him. “General quarters.”

9:32 p.m. Brad mentions that this part always takes 8 minutes and that I’m like a perfect train that always pulls in on time. I’m thinking of Brad Pitt rubbing my feet and asking me how my day was and then asking how our daughter was. Then Brad gets lost, and I’m just thinking about me thinking about myself. I’m the center of my goddamn universe.

9:40 p.m. Yes, yes, yes.

9:34 p.m. Brad comes back, and then he finishes in a couple of minutes. A big mess.

9:35 p.m. Clean up. And a few cookies while standing naked in the kitchen. Then I go back online and start chatting with Janine about “All My Children.” “Kendall’s such a whiny bitch,” I say.

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The Dionysian Rationale

(Originally posted Tuesday, June 17, 2008 )

I have put “The Dionysian Rationale” back up at ER Salo Deguierre’s page. What could these strange lyrics mean, you ask?

I will tell you only that they were inspired, as far-fetched as it may sound, by my readings of Joseph Campbell and his rather fanciful suggestions about “body wisdom”–the idea that mythology is actually the result of bodily processes at war with each other. It suggests that the journey of the hero in a story actually represents the body’s journey through its various stages, passions, growing pains and deteriorations. Some stories are about becoming aware of sexuality. Or anger. Or a collective spiritual presence. Or power–the need to dominate others.

Say that we are talking about “Wayne’s World,” just to be silly. Wayne Campbell’s conflict with girlfriend Tia Carrera arises from his inability to overcome his adolescent sexual fixations, his discomfort with his sex drive, and his inability to deal with it as an adult. As he becomes more sexually confident and confront his urges, he can see her as an equal.

OK, I know this all sounds patently hokey. But there are a lot of attractive things about the body wisdom concept that keep me reading about it. I could say that a lot of human hostility–and thus the potential for dramatic conflict–comes from the need to shun ourselves and our own feelings–say when a boy calls a girl slutty just because he’s attracted to her and can’t admit it. We aren’t fighting with her, we’re fighting with ourselves.

So I was hoping to talk about this subject a little in a song with a 4/4 disco beat. Nothing wrong with freeing your ass so that your mind will follow. Even if you think the lyrics are stupid, maybe you like the arrangements, no?

(EDITORIAL NOTE: This article has been revised since it was first published. I think I wrote the first draft when I was feeling a bit incoherent and tired. So I decided to clean it up a bit and add some parts to clarify my points. Why do I get to do this? Because it’s my fucking blog, that’s why!)

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(Originally posted Tuesday, June 17, 2008 )

Wolfeboro, N.H (AP) — Gertrude Procnow, a 110-year-old resident of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire who had remained mentally sharp through her final years, died on Tuesday night at her home, and doctors say her continued perspicacity was enough that she was fully able to grasp the final horror of her own imminent passing.

“Oh my God,” she said in her last minutes. “It’s all horribly, horribly vivid! Oh Jesus, why couldn’t I have been spared the agony of knowing?”

Her children and relatives said that “Grandma Gertie,” as she was known, exhibited a quick wit her whole life, and even in her past few years, enjoyed doing complicated puzzles, acrostics and rebuses.

“You’d always see Aunt Gertie with some IQ book, keeping herself in great fettle,” said nephew Ray Simeon.

“Oh mother of Jesus in purgatory, why did I do all those idiotic puzzles,” Gertrude was heard to say. “Now the body dies and the brain lives. I’m like the disembodied head in that movie. I cannot live. I cannot die. Oh, the horror! The horror!”

Said her daughter Rosemary Starkweather, “Mother wasn’t just a passive reader, either. She was always up for a lively debate, and would argue you to pieces on any topic with that great silver tongue.”

“Oh great scion of Moses, please let the sweet, sweet dementia come visit me now like the dove of Gabriel and relieve me of this bedeviling lucidity,” said Gertrude, only barely audible to her family.

“Mom didn’t want any drugs,” said Starkweather. “She always valued her mind and said to me long long ago that a person’s wit and intellect were the possessions to be most prized, and those were the values she imparted to us when she said she wanted absolutely no analgesics.”

Gertrude was a huge connoisseur of fish all her life and called it her brain food. “Always eat your salmon,” she told her grandchildren Mitch and Todd.

“We’d always make a face,” Todd says now. “But seeing how strong it made Grandma Gertrude’s mind, I guess we could afford to hold our noses a little. Though now that I think about it, I should also mention that Grandma Gertrude was pretty good at holding grudges. She had some going back to 1927, and when we said, ‘Grandma, can’t you just let it go?’ she’d answer, ‘I’m going to out live all of you because I remember everything. Every last little thing you all did.”

“Every minute is so bitterly clear before my eyes,” said Gertrude in her final moments. “And here my husband Charlie went quietly in his sleep without a thought in his head. That shitbird couldn’t find his asshole with a hand snake.”

The doctors who reviewed Gertrude’s brain, after she had donated it to science, said afterward that there had been no narrowing of the arteries and few malformations. She continued to have the mind of a 60-year-old well into her hundreds.

“I thought my wit would save me,” said Gertrude. “I thought I was smarter than death. Oh, here it comes, now, and pitiful me, I am ironically able to grasp its enormity in full! Oh God, why did I read all those books? Where was I going with that?”

“I know that no matter what mom was feeling,” said Starkweather, “that her dedication to reading a book a day, doing puzzles, learning about new concepts, whetting her sharp wit … basically making her brain the strongest muscle in her body … will be an inspiration to many who believe the mind can triumph over age.”

“I curse you all, living in your dumb happiness, oblivious to existential dread and the confrontation with nothingness,” beloved Grandma Gertrude whispered to her family. “May your stupidity cover you like a warm blanket in your horrible benighted, unknowing lives. You poor, pitiful god damn wretches!”

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(Originally posted Sunday, June 15, 2008 )

“The Ghost Patronizer”: A new show about a pretty blonde medium who talks to spirits, though they don’t like her because they think she’s shallow.

SNL does a repackaging, “The Best of Michael O’Donoghue” that refuses to patronize you by making you laugh but instead sticks a thumb into the eye of your bourgeois, potato-eating vulgar sensibilities. No, I’m sorry. It’s the “Best of Gary Kroeger.” Mix up!

Your regular coy, string-plucking female dick joke show isn’t on tonight. It’s the NBA finals. So put a tack in it, skirt.

7 The Prayer Network
Reality Armageddon: Our camera crews are there as sinful humanity finally succumbs to the rapture and the sinners drink their own blood in the streets and watch their own children be borne up skewered on the horn of the beast. Brought to you by Tide.

8 CW
“Girly Girls”: Sally fights with Muff over Bitzi’s confrontation with Peanut at the spray-tan salon. Lots of IPhones used.

20 Biography
Hmmmm. This is supposed to be a documentary channel, and yet there are a lot of ghost shows. Evidently, stupid people are a self-organizing force, and they have organized themselves around this channel the way ants organize regiments around the queen, changing the structure of the channel to their idiotic taste in a kind of negative/positive feedback process. Fascinating.

25 Discovery Health
“Dr. G: Medical Examiner”: This episode ends pretty quickly, as Dr. G is pretty sure this gang member was simply shot in the head. “This one’s pretty much an eggs and coffee job,” he says.

26 DIY
A pioneering bachelor in Kentucky finds an innovative way to masturbate by shoving two pillows together.

27 TruTV
Forensic Files: A woman is found dead in a creek, wrapped in the plush comfort of the amazing new Lexus SUV with rack and pinion steering and anti-lock brakes

28 Disney
Hannah Montana learns all about kissing from her bestest female friend Dilly in a very special and highly satisfying episode.

29 Discovery
“The Deadliest Catch”: The Bering Strait fishermen deal with a tiny nettlesome white crab-a deadly catch that’s a little close to home, if you know what I mean.

30 Lifetime
“Army Wives”: Anal-Erotic Top Chicks Versus Women Who Need Their Femininity Affirmed By Marrying A Man of Exaggerated Masculinity-The Dance Off

31 CMT
Sugar In The Tank: A very metaphorical truck show

32 Animal Planet
“So You Were Attacked By A Wolf. Big Deal.” A show about people who survive an animal attack and then go into a deep suicidal depression when their brief spurt of fame is gone.

33 E! Entertainment Television
“From Eye Candy To Eyesore” A show about the women who have been discarded by George Clooney and then go into a deep suicidal depression when their brief spurt of fame is gone.

33 E! Entertainment
Chelsea Bad Comic Timing

34 Bravo
“The Actor’s Studio”: James Lipton asks Jessica Alba how much she is in control of her sex appeal-specifically if she is doing what she does to men on purpose, and does she mean it to be hurtful, this sinful, provocative prancing around like a tit.

36 Trio
Unscripted fart jokes: The best moments of the 2008 Writer’s Strike

80 HBO
When the fuck is “Flight of the Conchords” coming back? I’m starting to get angry.

81 Showtime
A new show: “Mumbly, Coy, Naked, Hip”

82 Cinemax
A retelling of William Wycherley’s bawdy Restoration picaresque play, “The Country Wife,” abbreviated with 20-minute softcore sex scenes that make the double entendre pretty much unnecessary and beside the point.

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(Originally posted Sunday, June 15, 2008 )

Just a few hours after we landed back in New York today (after a much-needed nap) Stephanie and I found out that “Entourage” writer and Will Ferrell pal Chris Henchy had picked “The Retributioners Episode 4: Drunk Dial Party” as his pick for the month on the Funny Or Die Web site. Since then, our views on the site have zoomed!

We hate to ask all of our friends to go back and watch it a third time, but we’re riding a wave here, and maybe if enough people go back and enjoy “Drunk Dial Party” again for the third time, maybe we can get it on the home page:

See it here:

Regardless, we’re pretty psyched! Somebody in Hollywood is watching “The Retributioners”! Yippee!

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