Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, April 20, 2008 )

Top Secrets of American Idol Contestants

It was recently revealed that American Idol loser Kristy Lee Cook was proposed to by her boyfried several weeks ago. What other American Idol secrets are just now coming to light?

–*Pixie-like urchin David Archuleta doesn’t even like singing. He’s doing this all for his dad and he wishes it would just fucking end.

–*Michael Johns likes walking around Rodeo Drive wearing nothing but a Polo shirt so that his kibbles and bits dangle out and stop traffic.

–*Carly Smithson has fought for the cause of a united Ireland by personally killing several Sons of Ulster with her bare hands.

–*David Cook is a thrill-eater and enjoys hunting endangered species of dolphin to functional extinction.

–*Brooke White likes driving a “car,” a mobile device with a large carbon footprint that is slowly depleting precious oil reserves and destroying the planet. These items are sometimes made by a company called “Ford” and come in bright red, yellow and blue colors that appeal to Brooke’s infantile response mechanism.

–*Kady Malloy’s secret is that she is not remembered by anybody.

–*Syesha Mercado’s secret is that she thinks ganster rap music was a government conspiracy invented to encourage black people to kill each other. OK, not really. But wouldn’t that be pretty stupid if she did, Alicia Keys? I mean, wouldn’t that be a schizophrenia kind of stupid? Ms. Keys?

–*Jason Castro’s secret is that he is actually an 8-week-old American Cocker Spaniel.

–*Ramiele Malubay’s secret is that despite her diverse and rich ethnic heritage, having lived in a number of countries, she has still managed to become the most mealy-mouthed, uninteresting person on the planet.

–*Kristy Lee Cook’s secret is that she sold her horse to afford a trip to Philadelphia to audition for American Idol. (Which means, somehow, that a trip to Philly is more expensive than a barrel horse, which goes for $5000 to $20,000 — more expensive than a trip to Hong Kong, certain kinds of subcompact cars, and surgery to have your appendix removed. Too expensive for somebody who has already had one Arista contract and who has in the past had the capital to raise other horses as a business. Wow, does that story strike any of you as complete bullshit? Or does Philly really NOT love you back.)

–*Chikezie Eze’s secret is that he can sing you out of those panties.

–*David Hernandez’s secret is that the panties were already off when he got here.

–*And the final American Idol secret is that all of these people have already had record deals, and so your favorite show is a sham with a deck stacked full of ringers this year. Shame on you all.