Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, April 23, 2008 )

Strange Democratic Party Primary Rules

After Hillary Clinton’s win of the Pennsylvania Democratic presidential primary, speculation has once again arisen that the race could be called by the super delegates, and many are further disgruntled that Florida and Michigan were stripped of its delegates because they violated party rules about election dates.

What other strange decrees appear in the Charter & Bylaws of the Democratic National Committee?

–*If there is no clear winner come time for the party convention in Denver in late August, the race will be decided only by Democratic voters in South Carolina, Nevada, New Hampshire and Iowa.

–*And these voters can vote for any candidate they want.

–*Even John McCain.

–*Or for a third George W. Bush term.

–*The number of delegates to each state will be allocable by population weight, and by that we mean literally by how fat they are. Which, ironically, would mean Michigan wins.

–*Hillary Clinton must respect the rules about early voting that she herself agreed to with smug overconfidence, even if that now means watching 186 tasty, yummy, sugary Florida and Michigan pro-Hillary delegates go swirling bye-bye down the toilet. How’s it feel being hoisted on your own petard, babe?

–*Delegates that might have put her in the lead, even after several straight losses.

–*Democratic Party leaders are allowed to freely and smugly engineer an unfair race in Florida without smirking or seeing any kind of irony in it.

–*New York and California and Texas and Florida, the largest states in the union, should not vote too early, lest their big populations turn this into an unfair popularity contest.

–*Unpledged superdelegates (known as PLEOs) should still be able to choose a nominee at his or her own prejudice, even if he or she were busted with a prostitute from South Jersey, and even if this prostitute was, according to most conventional biases and sound reasoning, a “6.” Like, you know. Kind of a “butterface.” As in, you know, “everything but her face.” You know?

–*Certain primaries will be considered only “show primaries.” Kind of like a Harlem Globetrotters game. This refers to any presidential election that takes place in Florida and also refers to the Democratic National Convention itself and probably pretty much the entire election.

–*If no winner has been picked by the time of the convention, then we can blame Hillary for bringing down the party at a crucial point in history, all for the sake of her own personal sense of entitlement and self-interest.

–*Jimmy Carter shall be kept sequestered at all times, preferrably in Gaza, which behooves his role as self-appointed pain in the ass.

–*Each chair and vice chair of each committee of the Democratic National Committee shall be of the opposite sex, because that’s how we roll.

–*Members of the Republican Party wishing to vote in the election to sabotage the results may do so with wild abandon, as we fiercely believe that people doing stupid, limited things to promote their own self-interest eventually causes everything to turn out OK in the end. I mean, that’s pretty much how America works.