Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, July 12, 2008 )

“Fannie Mae”+”Freddie Mac”

“Fannie Mae”+”Freddie Mac”+troubled

“Fannie Mae”+”Freddie Mac”+nationalized+bailout

mortgages+subprime+”white trash”+”crystal meth”+bathtub

“Phill Gramm”+”nation of whiners”+”mental recession”

“What is a mental recession?”

“What is a mental depression?”

recession+”Phil Gramm”+panic+”Malthusian wasteland+”food riots”

food+commodities+overpriced

inflation+food+scarcity+”food riots”

Zimbabwe+election+sham+”throw babies on the floor”

“A-Rod”+divorce+Madonna

“A-Rod”+Madonna+platonic+bullshit

“A-Rod”+Madonna+”affair of the heart?”

“What is an affair of the heart?”

“Where can I get an affair of the heart in Cleveland, Ohio?”

“Where can I get an ‘around the world’ in Cleveland, Ohio?”

Madonna+”A-Rod”+Kabbalah+”Jewish mystical religion”+”indulgent celebrity fad”

“Guy Ritchie”+”Swept Away”+putrid

“Cynthia Rodriguez”+”prenuptial agreement”+”not airtight”

“Cynthia Rodriguez”+”embarrassing text messages”

“embarrassing text messages”+Verizon+overcharged

“A-Rod”+strippers+scumbag

“A-Rod”+”talk shows+”Dr. Phil”+EQ

What is EQ?

Does A-Rod have EQ?

Does A-Rod need EQ?

“A-Rod”+Yankees+”$275 million contract”

“Cynthia Rodriguez”+”equitable distribution of all assets”

“George Bush”+”carbon emission summit”+”so long, suckers”

oil+unaffordable+suburbs+”move back to cities”

“Cleveland, Ohio”+ “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Friday, July 11, 2008 )

Yahoo! recently posted a story, Six Suave Behaviors To Show Your Date You Are Interested, which includes such tips as “lean toward your date” and “comment when your date says something intriguing.”

What else can you do to send your date the right signs?

–*Whenever she makes a political point, make sure to say “Your position is untenable, and wrong in every way.” That will let her know that you respect her enough to disagree with her all the time.

–*Whenever he says something funny, make sure to pick up a bullhorn, turn it on and yell into it, “OK, I got the picture. You’re funny. You can stop now.”

–*Whenever he wipes his mouth, make sure to mimic this gesture. That way he will keep doing it, and you will have him completely baffled that there is something on his mouth, which he will certainly take in the spirit of playfulness you intend.

–*If she says something funny, make sure to say something funnier. That way she’ll know her place.

–*If he’s talking too much, make sure to kiss him to let him know that your feelings about him are mainly sexual in nature.

–*Make sure and tell him all the things you hate. That will get it out of the way now and let him know how fussy and high maintenance you are and what a joyless existence you two are about to share together.

–*Make sure and tell her that her favorite band Duran Duran sucks the root.

–*Ask her if she shares your values and goals, especially the ones about wife swapping.

–*Always lean close when she’s saying something. That way she’ll know you are really interested or that you are deaf after playing in a rock band for 10 years.

–*Make sure and seize upon her physical limitations and tell her that they are exactly what you’re looking for in a mate. For example: “I don’t know why, but I have always loved girls with big noses like yours.”

–*Realize that everybody has dreams and desires and goals beyond the life they are currently living. Try to exploit these desires as much as possible for short-term gain. You’ll be on the mark 80% of the time if you tell her you’re a movie producer.

–*Sometimes a real emotional connection is not one that is even stated verbally but one that is revealed in gestures. So take a butter knife and stab him in the hand to get his attention.

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(Originally posted Thursday, July 10, 2008 )

What Weird Jobs Do We Have That We Must Awkwardly Explain To People?

–*I’m not really a porn star. That would mean I have some notoriety. Really, I just have sex on camera for money.

–*I come up with funky names for drugs after they receive their patents at companies like Merck and Pfizer. No, I didn’t come up with Zoloft or Zyprexa. You haven’t heard of the ones I did, trust me.

–*I was pursuing a screenwriting career, but accidentally got a patent making butt-tape that won’t stick to your hemorrhoids. There’s a Web site, but you don’t really want to see it, do you?

–*I take civil engineering scientific papers and put in active verbs to make them more exciting. Words like drilling, core-barrel tunneling, etc. But “boring” is still the operative word.

–*I’m the person who tries to convince you to throw your next comic book convention in Utah

–*I give smokes to the Eskimos

–*I’m a part-time model for a tobacco trade magazine, but mainly I glad-hand people at parties and ask them how aware they are of cigars.

–*I pull dead critters out of the furnace

–*I write in-house advertisements for a hearing aid company

–*I interview people and ask them truthfully what they think of ROTC.

–*I’m in charge of all the tape at my company.

–*I am paid to laugh at the jokes of Japanese business men around the U.N. area of Manhattan. OK, I’m a geisha, god damnit.

–*I’m the person who develops the pleasing synthetic scent and taste of American “food.”

–*I dig graves that might come in handy for those people who won’t quite make it across the Rio Grande without drowning.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, July 09, 2008 )

–*She sent me a FAX breaking up with me, claiming I had failed to call her for six months.

–*He asked me to send the diamond ring back to him Fed Ex.

–*…even though legally, he didn’t own it, since it was a gift under the law

–*She loved me once, but had caught the fancy of King Henry

–*He stopped doing his Fozzie Bear impersonation before intercourse

–*His embrace had become cold. … Also, he had nude pictures of my step-daughter Soon-Yi on his mantel.

–*Even the dog smelled failure, and ran away.

–*He wanted to go out in a suicide love pact, and I just wanted lo mein.

–*We were so busy arguing, we have no idea how the baby got on the roof.

–*The press board in the floor of our double wide had rotted out completely. How apt that was. How apt.

–*I bought him child porn to show him that I understood his psychosexual problem, and he didn’t even say thank you.

–*She said the foursomes had started to leave her feeling cold and empty inside.

–*I told him, “Your being a Buddhist doesn’t get the dishes done.”

–*We had pledged that our love was based on inner strength and spiritual wisdom, but another supermodel had caught my eye

–*He ejaculated.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, July 08, 2008 )

A lot of attention has recently been paid to John McCain’s campaign staff, which comprises long-time loyalists, Karl Rove-linked political strategists and friends, all of whom have been thrown together in a giddy cauldron to jockey for position and favor. What are people on the street saying about McCain’s motley crew of political expertise?

–*”It seems like half a dozen well-paid advisors might be able to make him say the thing that would get him elected: “We’re leaving Iraq.”

–Molly Bloomquist, Rosedale, Ill.

–*”He seems to be saying yes to the supply-side economic faction in his base as well as saying yes to the budget hawks in his base. An old guy saying yes to everybody all the time sounds a lot like my decrepit Uncle Ernie, and I don’t know if we should be leaving something so important as the U.S. economy to someone who has admitted he doesn’t understand it. Oh yeah, and why is he paying all these advisors?”

–Shannon LaFarge, Duquesne, Pa.

–*”I really liked the no-nonsense, independent-minded maverick tough guy John McCain. But that person is obviously dead. I mean, when you’ve got all those different kinds of people running around his campaign screaming bizarre, contradictory things, they start to to look a little bit like EMTs.”

–Jason Recruisner, Lockhart, Texas

–*”I am happy that John McCain has said he’s concerned about the environment. I’m concerned, too. So why don’t you elect me president. What the hell is he paying these people for?”

–Aaron Wishner, Butte, Montana

–*”John McCain’s stunning success in the crowded primary field showed a certain kind of tactical brilliance. But then to get this far and show that he has absolutely no kind of strategy to face the new John F. Kennedy of our age, I’m starting to think the primary was all blind shit house luck.”

–Rosa McHendricks, Winterbane, Utah

–*”A candidate has to create excitement to win an election. And McCain is kind of doing that. I mean, everbody’s excited that he’s always demoting members of his campaign staff. I guess that’s kind of the same thing.”

–Johnny Flowerton, Portland, Maine

–*”Shaking up his staff twice in one year? Doesn’t that usually mean you’re a bazillion points behind?”

–Monika Fogel, Braddocks, Florida.

–*”Everybody’s telling McCain to be a better orator, be more electric and all that, because he’s dealing with a man of almost Pentecostal enthusiasm. What they ought to be telling him, though, is stop figuring out how to win over conservatives, which is like fighting over the short end of the stick this year. Hello, America is voting against them!”

–Geddy Rhimes, Pawtucket, Mass.

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(Originally posted Sunday, July 06, 2008 )

2 CBS
CSI: Episode 86: “Forensics Isn’t Perfect”: The CSI team members shrug their shoulders on this week’s murder case and its highly inconclusive DNA results.

3 ABC Family
Movie: “Molly: Sexually Active And Dead”

4 Fox
So, You Think You Can Handle Crystal Meth

5 ABC
New Medical Series: “DILFs”

13 PBS
Even Nakeder Brideshead Revisited

14 Lifetime
My Gastric Bypass, Myself

22 Court TV
When Nazarenes Kill

24 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story accidentally cures cancer while doing a special on Joan and Jackie Collins.

26 Bravo
The best of reality show car camera outtakes, with extra bleeped out “f**ks” and vomitting outside the window

27 MTV
A new reality show: “Scabs!”

27 MTV
The Real World: This season, we’re simply airdropping a bull and a grizzly bear into an Atlanta condo and seeing who wins.

28 VH-1
Rolling Naked In Shit For Money

29 HBO
No more shows. No more shows. All my friends are dead!

30 Showtime
New show: “A Hooker With Feelings”

31 Cinemax
Sexy and Communicable

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(Originally posted Friday, July 04, 2008 )

It’s the Fourth of July! How Are We Showing Our Patriotism?

–*Showing our pride with Rush Limbaugh pins, stickers and t-shirts

–*Wearing a flag lapel pin, which is the only way today you could possibly live up to the example set by the trench-fighting guerillas of your radical forefathers.

–*Remembering those people everywhere on Earth today who are fighting guerilla wars against occupying forces of foreign imperialist interlopers trying to expand their international sphere of wealth and influence

–*Trying to have sex with Miss America

–*Denying global warming exists

–*Trying to have sex with all Americans, both figuratively and literally

–*Reading the Constitution and committing it to memory, even the parts that don’t make sense, like the Ninth Amendment

–*Re-writing the Constitution to make it look more like the Bible

–*Spending money!

I hope everybody has a happy Fourth, in full acknowledgment that this sentiment means vastly different things to different people.

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(Originally posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 )

–*Your pot roast was seething

–*Your cupcakes were Brobdingnagian

–*The sauce bearnaise was clinical in the best sense

–*The shallots had the fearsome quality of moral idiocy

–*The capers tickled like the wings of a smutty harpy, and hit their targets with deadly, emasculating accuracy

–*The beurre blanc sauce rose beneath vulgarity

–*The venison tartare was Jack Londonesque

–*The blanched endives were greatly satirical

–*The Lachryma Christi suffered from too much passion but at last had a woody finish

–*The butternut squash was refreshingly jejune

–*The Twinkies were the very spirit of post-Einsteinian irrationality that was the zeitgeist of 20th century cuisine

–*The Freedom Fries…long may they sizzle

Thanks to PJ for noticing that I’ve been sore for three days. I have a sprain of some sort in my neck that has made sleeping very uncomfortable and turning my head to look for traffic almost impossible. If I am hit by a bus, you’ll know why. I am not complaining. I internalize my pain like any good upright moral Christian.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 )

What things are we doing to compromise the integrity of our good names?

–*Putting the company logo on whoopie cushions

–*Putting your picture on an ad by Medifast

–*Making sure that whenever people think of your heavy-metal band Krokus, they are also thinking of pre-stressed concrete moldings

–*Making it Scientology approved

–*Giving it the Roman Polanski seal

–*Making sure that the Pepsi product was placed in a very visible place in the film during this heated scene of intense emotion and sexual ultra-violence

–*Having a drink named after you

–*Having a board game named after you

–*Having all your children and a line of cheap chicken grilling devices sold at Wal-Mart named after you

–*Creating many different religious denominations named for your savior, all of whose dogmas are totally at odds with each other

–*If you are Lance Armstrong, just about everything you’re doing

–*Writing “U.S. dollar” on it. Especially if it is a U.S. dollar.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, July 01, 2008 )

What’s On Our Flair?

–*A picture of Hamburglar

–*FOB

–*”This nose is going straight up your ass”

–*”Ask me about atheism”

–*”I Make Pee Burn”

–*”I Take It In the Cushion”

–*A picture of Michael Bolton with a “No” symbol over him

–*The words “frigid elephants” with the “No” symbol over them

–*The word “Yes” with the “No” symbol over it

–*A hologram picture of George Bush with and without Hulk muscles

–*A hologram picture of Bettie Page both before and after biting into a Cheeseburger

–*”Fuck It! We’ll do it live!”

–*John Belushi in a bee costume

–*Rosa Parks in a bee costume

–*”Mary Kay Letourneau for President!”*

*Editor’s note: I confess a deep abiding love for Mary Kay. I hate “People” magazine and “People”-type stories about the objects of gossip among tut-tutting fishwives. But Mary Kay’s story had me hooked from the beginning. A self-deprecating daddy’s girl with a wild sense of humor has a miscarriage, goes crazy and fixates on a boy. Their love should be bad, but it isn’t. It is we who are bad. And she’s super hot to boot.

I wish I could be 12 all over again for you, MKL.

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