Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, July 11, 2008 )

Yahoo! recently posted a story, Six Suave Behaviors To Show Your Date You Are Interested, which includes such tips as “lean toward your date” and “comment when your date says something intriguing.”

What else can you do to send your date the right signs?

–*Whenever she makes a political point, make sure to say “Your position is untenable, and wrong in every way.” That will let her know that you respect her enough to disagree with her all the time.

–*Whenever he says something funny, make sure to pick up a bullhorn, turn it on and yell into it, “OK, I got the picture. You’re funny. You can stop now.”

–*Whenever he wipes his mouth, make sure to mimic this gesture. That way he will keep doing it, and you will have him completely baffled that there is something on his mouth, which he will certainly take in the spirit of playfulness you intend.

–*If she says something funny, make sure to say something funnier. That way she’ll know her place.

–*If he’s talking too much, make sure to kiss him to let him know that your feelings about him are mainly sexual in nature.

–*Make sure and tell him all the things you hate. That will get it out of the way now and let him know how fussy and high maintenance you are and what a joyless existence you two are about to share together.

–*Make sure and tell her that her favorite band Duran Duran sucks the root.

–*Ask her if she shares your values and goals, especially the ones about wife swapping.

–*Always lean close when she’s saying something. That way she’ll know you are really interested or that you are deaf after playing in a rock band for 10 years.

–*Make sure and seize upon her physical limitations and tell her that they are exactly what you’re looking for in a mate. For example: “I don’t know why, but I have always loved girls with big noses like yours.”

–*Realize that everybody has dreams and desires and goals beyond the life they are currently living. Try to exploit these desires as much as possible for short-term gain. You’ll be on the mark 80% of the time if you tell her you’re a movie producer.

–*Sometimes a real emotional connection is not one that is even stated verbally but one that is revealed in gestures. So take a butter knife and stab him in the hand to get his attention.