(Originally posted Tuesday, March 25, 2008 )
2 CBS
In the series finale of the canceled show “Jericho,” the angry producers end the story with the former United States being completely overrun by a sea of Islamic hordes on horseback, and Osama bin Laden feeds his beast of burden oats on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, using the Constitution as his own personal toilet paper.
4 NBC
“Medium”: “Allison, I understand you can read minds. Can you read my mind now, Allison?: Fuck you, that’s what I’m thinking, Allison.”
5 ABC
“The Bachelor–London”: ‘Tis Pity She’s a ‘Bachelor’ Contestant
10 CNN
Cross-eyed ex-hookers still waiting outside hopefully, just in case somebody wants to, I don’t know, talk with them about the Eliot Spitzer case again. Or about the sex business in general. Or anything else. C’mon, let us in! It’s freezing out here!
13 PBS
Charlie Rose: Old, heterosexual, rich, white men distraught over the passing of William F. Buckley. “He was our Martin Luther King,” cry distraught, effete, wealthy Caucasians.
15 Animal Planet
What do chimps fantasize about when they masturbate? That’s right! Pamela Anderson!
16 Disney
That’s So Adolf!
17 CW
You know, they have a name for “Gossip Girl” in prison, Serena, it’s called “Snitch Bitch.”
18 CNN Financial
A single share of the dismantled financial giant Bear Stearns now costs less than the one-piece “a la carte” meal at Kentucky Fried Chicken
20 E! Entertainment Network
Jar Jar Binks: The E True Hollywood Story
38 Fox News
John McCain loses whatever credibility he had left by letting idiot Mongoloid man-child Sean Hannity put words in his mouth for an hour while he shakes like a neutered Spanish Civil War concussion victim.
38 Fox News
Bill O’Reilly wants to know everything about this golden shower business. And don’t lie to him or spare him any detail–this is the no-spin zone, damn it!
39 Oxygen
We’ve realized that we can now strike the greatest blow for women by airing numerous cat fight shows.
40 Lifetime
Movie: It involves a mother, a daughter, drugs and a pimp. You can fill in the rest, even if you don’t have any imagination whatsoever.
40 Lifetime
Movie: ” ‘I Am Not a Moron’: The True Story of Eliot Spitzer Call Girl Ashley Dupre,” a Lifetime movie event starring Mischa Barton
41 History
“The Prophecies of Nostadamus, Part IV”: Nostradamus predicts that tonight he will eat a lean, tasty dish of mutton.
42 HBO
“The Wire”: The cancellation of this seedy tale destroys Baltimore tourism, as those excited to come and visit its densely packed, crack cocaine-infested streets will now likely spend their tourism dollars elsewhere — in places such as Newark and Detroit.
43 Hallmark
I knew that if I looked through 1,500 channels, I could find “Matlock” somewhere
44 ESPN
“American Gladiators”: A few lions and Christians would take this show to the next level.
45 Discovery Health
“Dwarf Family Revisited”: A dwarf family wants to explode all the myths about little people. Except the one about how they are ravenously oversexed.
46 Ovation
David Hartman gives long, tedious lecture about Restoration theater that might be more interesting if it had a few extra plunging bodices
56 Independent Film Channel
Pedro Almodovar’s most recent necrophilia movies are just getting too sentimental for me
57 Turner Movie Classics
Charlie Chaplin: Hamming it up and violating interstate white slavery laws.
58 Crosswalk
“Democracy Now”: In a cruel, ironic “No Exit” kind of existential hell, left-wing journalist Amy Goodman realizes she’s going to have to ride out the rest of her life contending with idiot mouth-breathing 9-11 conspiracy theorists, kind of like a baby-sitter for adults.
Beauty is Imperfection 