Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, February 08, 2008 )

Seek Love, Variable Stochastic
A Pome
by Eric Rasmussen

Seek love — variable stochastic;
Seek variances of mean, efficient frontiers.

In kitchens begin responsibilities single not single-minded I can’t believe her hank of hair it filled my hands love the sin not the sinner seek dissociation slick perverse be in three places false and furious breath has no dominion be the small beauty stupid imperfect his loudness at the edge of reason white knives herniate toward the imagined recklessness holiness and fear girls need razors too recursive and enumerable it had hands and willed to the emergent property bed wet with dream in divisions begin dreams wond’rous rapt eaten by pain and loss smells like tuna velocity and position not maintained truth not mechanically proved in a tongue and asshole begin procedure sticky condom cock abbreviated wonder soul spandex essence voile kiss the baby looks like us purple and sensitive testicles at beck and call boggling Jesus in reorganizing principles begin nature kissing kissing us again begging for another chance oh please another chance volant tits vanilla scream off-softing into day
Love, evol, lveo …

Seek love, variable stochastic

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(Originally posted Thursday, February 07, 2008 )

Super Tuesday Haiku

McCain rises now
Mending fences with rock-rib
conservatives. Not!

Hillary must run
The long distance marathon
now. Got ten million?

Huckabee makes a
Bold stand in the south; so did
Jefferson Davis

Mitt Romney steps back
For the good of the party.
“I’m pro-choice, suckers!”

Barack Obama
Has a feather in his cap:
Rich white guys like him?

Hill is a big hit
With the women and the poor.
Latinos? Anybody?

Meanwhile George Bush is
Planning to invade Iran
While we’re not looking

Conservatives say
Next prez will be too mushy
We must attack now

Can anybody stop
These looney people from their
Evil plans? Hill? John?

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 06, 2008 )

Highly embarrassing questions from a hit TV show “The Moment of Truth.”

–*”Did you have plastic surgery to get into a beauty pageant in Venezuela?”

–*”Have you ever written a poem with the words ‘rainbow’ and ‘unicorn’ and ‘sunbeam’ and ‘magical’ and “one-eyed wonder worm” in it?”

–*”Have you ever cheated on your wife?”

–*”Have you ever cheated on your wife with someone who wasn’t as pretty and who was fatter just to make it hurt more?”

–*”Have you ever hugged a puppy to death?”

–*”Have you ever stolen money from your child’s savings to gamble?”

–*”Have you ever stolen money from you child’s savings just to teach him a lesson that life’s not fair?”

–*”Would you eat your young?”

–*”Did you have that sixth autistic child just to get on television?”

–*”Is that pleather?”

–*”Have you ever spread rumors that somebody was gay?”

–*”Was it Hillary Clinton?”

–*”Did you ever have a baby and give it up on the black market?”

–*”Did you get a good deal?”

–*”Have you ever called a friend a slut behind her back?”

–*”Can I have her phone number?”

–*”Have you ever flashed somebody out of a car window?”

–*”Was it a Chevy Nova?”

–*”Have you ever starred in a pornographic movie?”

–*”Did you fake the orgasm?”

–*”Even though you were the guy?”

–*”Did you come on this show because you have a sick need for attention?”

–*”Can I have your phone number?”

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 )

The exit polls shaping the coverage shaping the media pundits shaping the debate shaping the future of the unreality known as politics.

11% of Californians say that the film “The Terminator” is influencing their decision to vote for John McCain in the Super Tuesday elections.

81% of New Yorkers say education is very important to them but 100% of them are showing their dedication to it only by saying so in this poll.

19% of Huckabee supporters think Huckabee cut a deal with McCain to divide up West Virgina at the expense of Mitt Romney, but 80% of those admit that watching TV pundits has made them feel smarter about these things than they actually are.

90% of Huckabee’s supporters in Idaho knew that he would use a New York Giants metaphor to refer to his underdog campaign.

80% of Oklahoma’s two dozen liberals are behind Hillary Clinton.

90% of people in Illinois listen only to Oprah.

51% of Massachusetts Republicans are winking when Mitt Romney says he’s conservative.

32% of Illinois voters believe that Huckabee’s campaign is inspiring in the way Old Yeller’s rabid instinct to live was inspiring.

33% of California voters believe when John McCain says the word “conservative” over and over he doth protest too much.

55% of New York voters think that Bill Clinton would make a better black first lady than Michelle Obama.

56% of Illinois voters say Obama’s sex appeal will put him over with those people who want to have sex with Barack Obama.

88% of voters in Minnesota say change is important, but, in a control sample, the same group also says they love puppies. Because how could you be against change or puppies?

55% of Californians say they are fed up with politics as usual in Washington, not realizing that that attitude is what got a freakish, unqualified moron ensconced in office several years ago.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 )

–*”I can’t believe you canceled out my vote, honey!”

–*”It’s time to answer for Santino, Hillary. I’m sorry … what I meant to say is that it’s time to answer for Iraq, Hillary.”

–*”Mitt is really an independent thinker. He’d have to be for a heretic.”

–*”McCain has really reached out to conservatives, and by that I mean he has lied through his teeth to them.”

–*”If conservatives have nobody to vote for, it might be because Americans are voting against conservatives this year. Did you ever think of that, weisenheimers?”

–*”I don’t know. There’s just nobody here as good as Bush.”

–*”Barack is the vote of change. … If you can say things like that out loud without laughing.”

–*”I want to vote for the candidate who’s going to make everything different. … Actually, no scratch that. Everything different might be pretty awful.”

–*”I voted for Kucinich. I’m just self-destructive that way.”

–*”It doesn’t matter what I do, nobody’s going to fix New Orleans.”

–*”It doesn’t matter what I do, nobody’s leaving Iraq.”

–*”It doesn’t matter what I do, nobody’s turning Bush over to the International Criminal Court.”

–*”It’s too late to save the planet. We might as well elect Charles Manson.”

–*”Oh, that’s right. We already did elect Charles Manson.”

–*”No, really. Did you cancel out my vote, honey? No sex for you tonight, asshole!”

–*”The Giants won! The Giants won! The Giants won!”

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(Originally posted Sunday, February 03, 2008 )

OK, sports fans. I’ll be sitting here giving you up-to-the second reports on the big game.

1Q 15:00 — OK, it’s kick-off. Already the women are nowhere to be found.

1Q 14:55 — Handoff to Jacobs starts left. Men running around screaming. I’m hungry.

1Q 13:10 — Manning calls an audible or a mandible. I’m completely at a loss.

1Q 12:18 — Two Patriots are hurt. A real patriot always is.

1Q 11:19 — Clothesline! Bulldozer! Blitzkrieg! Blood! Viscera! Oh, the humanity!

1Q 10:12 — Did you hear Katharine McPhee got married?

1Q 8:57 — An “I” formation. Bradshaw gets the first down! Do you think maybe Barack’s health care plan won’t work?

1Q 6:10 — Manning throws in the left flat. Giants take the lead! Oh, who is that grotesque Madame Lafarge woman screaming from the bleachers? Somebody stick her!

1Q 5:47 — Burress is double teamed! Another shotgun formation. What’s this orange stuff in my belly-button?

1Q 4:32 — Incomplete pass! Giants take the lead! I wonder if anybody would bring me Chinese food right now?

2Q 15:00 Touchdown! There’s corn beef all over my wife!

2Q 10:33 — This Giants drive is taking too long. Think I’ll fall asleep until they are on the next down.

2Q 9:31. — Sixty-three yards in 15 plays! Holy pus!

2Q 6:52 — Brady throws incomplete. Let’s line him up and shoot him in the back of the head execution style in front of his girlfriend Gisele!

2Q 5:52 — Welker crosses the middle. Welker turns up. That sounds dirty.

2Q 3:33 — Faulk gets popped. Pop Faulk! Pop Faulk!

2Q 1:00 — Do you want to punt or turnover? Hey! Those words mean something very different in the West Village!

Halftime Show: Jerry’s Kids sing a rousing version of “Boston Sucks,” “Boston Sucks,” “Boston Sucks.”

3Q 10:31 — Pats take over. Pats are better than hugs.

3Q 9:37 — The pass is incomplete underneath. I was rubbing her foot under the table for an hour and she didn’t get the signal.

3Q 6:25 — Ref says the Giants had too many men. Yes, many of us can be giants when we want to be.

3Q 5:25 — Lots of women will be flashing their boobs in Times Square right about now.

3Q 2:13 — Wa-a-a-a-y deep to Buress! You surely know how deep because of all the hyphens.

3Q 1:05 — “You’re covered in killer algae! You’re not going to get in the tub are you?” Sorry, wrong channel!

4Q 13:00 — McQuarters wants to receive, but it’s over his head. He must have his head in his McQuarters.

4Q 11:31 — Manning. Gun. Manning. Gun. Manning. Gun.

4Q 9:31 — Tyree gets the stool sample special.

4Q 8:25 — Several players are locked in a scrum for the ball. … Ewwww!

4Q 6:18 — Brady on a play-action pass, a pump fake, a brandy alexander cordial punt, an Oscar Wilde underhanded delivery, and a Long Island cock-knocker

4Q 5:18 — I can’t breathe!

4Q 4:14 — So THAT’s what Derek Jeter’s doing in his off season.

4Q 3:18 — Fred Robbins is banged up, so we respectfully wait to let him pass before the violence starts afresh.

4Q 2:15 — Pats take the lead. Time for a Pat-down, New York! Fuck you and the Statue of Liberty!

4Q 0:35 — What? The Giants take the lead with 35 seconds left? Am I sniffing glue? Dude!

4Q 0:10 — The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!

4Q 0:07 — I swallo ma tong…..

4Q 0:05 — SLAUGHTER SLAUGHTER KILL KILL MAIM CRUCIFY!

4Q 0:00 — The New York Giants wrest themselves back from the jaws of defeat and win! There will be lots of fucking going on in New Jersey tonight.

Thus ends the first and last sports edition of “Beauty is Imperfection” that you will ever read. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of shouting outside my Manhattan window right now. My wife and I are hungry after looking at apartments all day and hope the brokers are available to help us again now that this gridiron football business is over.

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(Originally posted Sunday, February 03, 2008 )

“Entertainment Weekly” magazine recently did a report of the worst movie lines ever, which included, “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her,” from “Notting Hill.” But were those really the worst? Take some of these, for example.

“I’m not fit to be president, Dick. I’ve let you down, and I’ve left myself down.”

“You’re all I’ve got left in the world, Liza, except for the naked mole rats.”

“You dropped a deuce on me, Stingo.”

“This vagina doesn’t run on double A batteries, you know!”

“I’m just a gay man, standing in front of a straight woman, asking her to marry him for immigration purposes.”

“Your skin is so soft and smooth, like a chinchilla.”

“Hold me like you did on that galactic sewage vessel.”

“I’m not just giving this enema to you, but to all the lonely 50-year-old men trolling through Times Square tonight, Joe.”

“Love knows no boundaries, Loretta, not even between a father and daughter, and not even if they’re physical and societal taboos.”

“Cody! You are the wind beneath my jockstrap.”

“If we had just one night on Earth, and society understood, and you were not an athlete with cancer, and we were not both men, I would kiss you with all the passion that our love begets.”

“Curious George! That’s not a banana!”

“Don’t write checks that your anus can’t cash.”

“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and my parents are invited.”

“Ha! Idiot Earthlings! You know not the power of Xenu’s smiteful rapier!”

“Hey, guys, let’s make a pact to lose our virginity at camp this summer.”

“We can’t shoot him now! He’s got a Fielding Medal in mathematics.”

“I love your incisive, penetrating, genocidal mind, Franjo!”

All right, so I made them all up! Be creative, and post a few yourselves, gringos!

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(Originally posted Saturday, February 02, 2008 )

Ridiculous Neighborhood Names Contrived By Real Estate Agents in Their Tiny Offices Somewhere To Make You Buy Property

SoZo — The hot hip property south of the Green Zone in Baghdad

NoQuaSpaHa — Not Quite Spanish Harlem

SoCo — Congress Ave. south of the river in Austin, Texas

EaBelsterRo — East of the Ulster Unionist Parade Route

WeLoBo — West Long Beach

SoOK — South Oklahoma City Heights

DamBo — Down underneath the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit

NoCoWePro — Not Compton, We Promise

EaSoFla — East South Flatbush, but not Flatbush we promise

SoWatts — South Watts

TriBeGaz — the triangle south of Gaza where you can get luxury accommodations but mainly food and water

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(Originally posted Friday, February 01, 2008 )

2 CBS
Forensic show … “must beat the clock” … safe house … ambush … desperation … “forced to drink blood” (repeat)

2 CBS
More gross forensic shows with incest, cannibalism and mummification acts that somehow don’t bother the FCC as much as buttocks, nipples and nut sacks.

4 NBC
NBC relives the best moments of the ongoing writer’s strike, in a variety show featuring repeats of repeats

5 ABC
Jimmy Kimmel sits there and does nothing while his girlfriend emasculates him

7 Fox
Dr. House is a cool customer, but let’s see how he deals with a talking spleen.

13 PBS
Bill Moyers is the conscience of America. And who in the Hell would want to watch somebody like that?

23 E! Entertainment
Which Of Hollywood’s Sexiest Young Stars Will Be Dead In Five Years?

23 E! Entertainment
President Bush orders Michelle Williams to break her silence about Heath Ledger so that the country can move on.

25 Animal Planet
Orangutans Giving the Finger, Remembered

26 CMT
Hunters remember the first time they were shot in the face by their buddies in the woods. Ted Nugent is your host.

27 ESPN
Full Contact Chess

28 History
The History of Penetration

29 Vh-1
This week on “Rock of Love,” Bret Michaels re-enacts the Yale University Milgram experiments by ordering contestants to torture each other with electric clamps.

30 BET
Lena Horne featured for two minutes in a film whose title has the word “Booty” in it.

32 MSNBC
Progressive award-winning journalist Amy Goodman can’t believe she’s sitting here talking to these idiots about this absolutely bug-eyed stupid shit.

42 Fox News
Bill O’Reilly: The Quickening

50 HBO
The Bourne Identity

51 Cinemax
Tastefully Photographed Boinking

52 Sundance
It’s Dissent Week Here On Sundance, Featuring 24 Hours of Filibustering from Noam Chomsky

53 Bloomberg
Something is up a quarter and something else is down 3/8ths of a percent, and the anchor is wearing a pretty blue tie and it’s all a strange, alienating kind of scary reality here.

57 Disney
Remembering the dark history of American slavery with host Herbie, the Love Bug.

58 Showtime
Sexual water sports would take this hip show to the next level.

59 Headline News
An engaged public would take this presidential election to the next level.

60 CNN
Larry King stars in a remake of “Flowers for Algernon.” Or at least that’s what it seems like watching him interview people sometimes.

61 TMZ
Britney Kill Britney Kill Britney Kill

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 31, 2008 )

John+McCain

John+McCain and Florida

John+McCain+traitor

John+McCain and “traitor to conservatives”

Rush+Limbaugh+frothing+mouth

Hillary+Clinton and “spat”

Hillary+Clinton and “spat with Obama”

Kim+Kardashian+nude

“Barack Obama” and “Kim Kardashian”

“Who is Kim Kardashian voting for?”

“Is Kim Kardashian voting?”

“Is Kim Kardashian engaged?”

“Sex tape”

“Where can I find the Kim Kardashian sex tape?”

“video store” and “Buffalo, New York”

“Who is Grover Norquist?”

“Grover Norquist”+frothing+mouth

“Grover Norquist” and “tax reformer”

“Grover Norquist” and “sex tape”

“Rudy Giuliani” and “conservative vote”

“Mitt Romney” and “conservative vote”

“Mike Huckabee” and “lived in an outhouse”

“Chuck Norris”+Nascar+Huckabee+outhouses

“Why do conservatives hate Giuliani?”

“Why do conservatives hate McCain?”

“Why do conservatives hate?”

Romney and Huckabee and “divide conservative vote”

“Are Romney and Huckabee dividing the conservative vote?”

“Are outhouses and Nascar dividing the conservative vote?”

“Is Kim Kardashian’s butt fake?”

“Is Hillary Clinton a lesbian?”

“Are lesbians trying to kill conservatives?”

“Are lesbians trying to kill me?”

“Is John McCain trying to kill me?”

“Buffalo, NY” + Thorazine

“Where do I find Thorazine in Buffalo, N.Y.?”

Buffalo+New York+”bus schedule”

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