Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, February 03, 2008 )

OK, sports fans. I’ll be sitting here giving you up-to-the second reports on the big game.

1Q 15:00 — OK, it’s kick-off. Already the women are nowhere to be found.

1Q 14:55 — Handoff to Jacobs starts left. Men running around screaming. I’m hungry.

1Q 13:10 — Manning calls an audible or a mandible. I’m completely at a loss.

1Q 12:18 — Two Patriots are hurt. A real patriot always is.

1Q 11:19 — Clothesline! Bulldozer! Blitzkrieg! Blood! Viscera! Oh, the humanity!

1Q 10:12 — Did you hear Katharine McPhee got married?

1Q 8:57 — An “I” formation. Bradshaw gets the first down! Do you think maybe Barack’s health care plan won’t work?

1Q 6:10 — Manning throws in the left flat. Giants take the lead! Oh, who is that grotesque Madame Lafarge woman screaming from the bleachers? Somebody stick her!

1Q 5:47 — Burress is double teamed! Another shotgun formation. What’s this orange stuff in my belly-button?

1Q 4:32 — Incomplete pass! Giants take the lead! I wonder if anybody would bring me Chinese food right now?

2Q 15:00 Touchdown! There’s corn beef all over my wife!

2Q 10:33 — This Giants drive is taking too long. Think I’ll fall asleep until they are on the next down.

2Q 9:31. — Sixty-three yards in 15 plays! Holy pus!

2Q 6:52 — Brady throws incomplete. Let’s line him up and shoot him in the back of the head execution style in front of his girlfriend Gisele!

2Q 5:52 — Welker crosses the middle. Welker turns up. That sounds dirty.

2Q 3:33 — Faulk gets popped. Pop Faulk! Pop Faulk!

2Q 1:00 — Do you want to punt or turnover? Hey! Those words mean something very different in the West Village!

Halftime Show: Jerry’s Kids sing a rousing version of “Boston Sucks,” “Boston Sucks,” “Boston Sucks.”

3Q 10:31 — Pats take over. Pats are better than hugs.

3Q 9:37 — The pass is incomplete underneath. I was rubbing her foot under the table for an hour and she didn’t get the signal.

3Q 6:25 — Ref says the Giants had too many men. Yes, many of us can be giants when we want to be.

3Q 5:25 — Lots of women will be flashing their boobs in Times Square right about now.

3Q 2:13 — Wa-a-a-a-y deep to Buress! You surely know how deep because of all the hyphens.

3Q 1:05 — “You’re covered in killer algae! You’re not going to get in the tub are you?” Sorry, wrong channel!

4Q 13:00 — McQuarters wants to receive, but it’s over his head. He must have his head in his McQuarters.

4Q 11:31 — Manning. Gun. Manning. Gun. Manning. Gun.

4Q 9:31 — Tyree gets the stool sample special.

4Q 8:25 — Several players are locked in a scrum for the ball. … Ewwww!

4Q 6:18 — Brady on a play-action pass, a pump fake, a brandy alexander cordial punt, an Oscar Wilde underhanded delivery, and a Long Island cock-knocker

4Q 5:18 — I can’t breathe!

4Q 4:14 — So THAT’s what Derek Jeter’s doing in his off season.

4Q 3:18 — Fred Robbins is banged up, so we respectfully wait to let him pass before the violence starts afresh.

4Q 2:15 — Pats take the lead. Time for a Pat-down, New York! Fuck you and the Statue of Liberty!

4Q 0:35 — What? The Giants take the lead with 35 seconds left? Am I sniffing glue? Dude!

4Q 0:10 — The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!

4Q 0:07 — I swallo ma tong…..

4Q 0:05 — SLAUGHTER SLAUGHTER KILL KILL MAIM CRUCIFY!

4Q 0:00 — The New York Giants wrest themselves back from the jaws of defeat and win! There will be lots of fucking going on in New Jersey tonight.

Thus ends the first and last sports edition of “Beauty is Imperfection” that you will ever read. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of shouting outside my Manhattan window right now. My wife and I are hungry after looking at apartments all day and hope the brokers are available to help us again now that this gridiron football business is over.