Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, February 16, 2008 )

A Clutch of New Mind-Bendingly Contrary And Counterintuitive Headlines From Slate.com.

–*Why Humans Don’t Really Need The Sun

–*Are Beautiful People Smarter?

–*Is Hillary the Anti-Hillary?

–*Your Mother Was Right: There Is No Such Thing As a Female Orgasm

–*Only Dumb People Would Buy Food With Money

–*Is George Bush Really A Genius?

–*Was The Iraq War Actually A Brilliant Plan To Go In And Lose On Purpose?

–*Are Serial Killers Actually Friendlier?

–*Did Hillary Plan Her New Hampshire Cry in 1997?

–*Maybe JFK Did Have It Coming

–*Gordon Gekko Was Right: Why Greed Is A Better Long-Term Human Success Trait Than The Sex Drive

–*Are Intelligence, Compassion and Strength Overrated?

–*Are You Stupid If You Use The Dollar To Pay For Things?

–*Are We All Really Just An Illusion in the Mind of Richard Nixon?

–*Do People Become Autistic On Purpose?

–*Is “Hope” Just a Fetish Word For Black People?

–*Are Inbreeding, Banjo-Playing Appalachian Hillbillies Best Fit For Survival?

–*Is Your Depression Just Self-Indulgence?

–*Should We All Try To Be Less Like Einstein and More Like Tyra Banks?

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(Originally posted Friday, February 15, 2008 )

This week we not only celebrate Valentine’s Day but also observe the 25th anniversary of Michael Jackson’s album “Thriller.” How did you celebrate Valentine’s Day and the anniversary of “Thriller”?

–*Took out the garbage.

–*Made stew.

–*Gave the cat her medicine.

–*Orally, too.

–*Washed the car.

–*Scratched armpit.

–*Performed oral sex, though your mind wandered to yard work while it was going on.

–*Killed the hostages.

–*Received $2.86 in class action suit money from a telecom trial that was concluded three years ago and that you knew nothing about.

–*Wondered hopefully if anybody was masturbating to pictures of you.

–*Bought Vicks vapor rub.

–*Gave the cat her medicine again. It’s, like, twice a day you’ve got to do this.

–*Read a fine history of the Ottoman Empire by Lord Kinross.

–*Wondered out loud “Is Hillary really finished?” like the people at News Max want you to do.

–*Gave up hope.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 15, 2008 )

OK. First thing: I hate the show “American Idol” and everything it stands for.

Now that I’ve said that, I’ll admit that a certain Web site called “Vote For The Worst,” which rose to some prominence last year, makes the show a little bit more palatable as a guilty pleasure for me. Every week, the Web site prompts its readers to phone in and pick the most comic, clownish or freakish contestant. It is not merely a ploy to ruin the show, as worthy a goal as that would be. No, the writers on VFTW say that their true aim is to play up the entertainment value–to throw the spotlight on shtick–which serves to illuminate the utter artifice of the whole affair, to illuminate it as prefabricated melodrama, to limn the preconceived nature of the suspense.

The site has recently stumbled upon the past history of one of the show’s new contestants: Carly Smithson, nee Carly Hennessy. This woman has already had a failed career as a teen pop star at MCA, which flushed millions through the glory hole on her debut album, trying to sell her as the new jailbait on the block–Britney Spears from Dublin, or a Gaelic Liz Phair–only to sell fewer than 500 copies and send the girl home packing where she got a tattoo and an attitude. If I were a paranoid person, this would seem like somebody’s still trying to recoup a bad investment by putting her in a reality TV show setting and not telling anybody about it.

The truth is, I don’t give a frog’s fat ass if she wins, fair or unfair. I’m only bringing it up because it’s illuminating to read her story, which you can find in the Wall Street Journal here. If Courtney Love’s similar article in Salon hadn’t already convinced you then the WSJ article certainly will that the music industry in this country is evil and that you’d be better off playing the lotto than ever signing a recording contract with a major label. With few happy exceptions, most people who get to the major labels do so with wildly unrealistic expectations, and for that they are not simply crushed by the overwhelming competition, they are robbed blind by people who exploit youthful narcissism and like to turn a buck off silly dreams. I used to write about bands in Austin, Texas, all of whom sought the brass ring of a label signing, and it’s demoralizing to see talented people, the people you think you want to be, the people whose most important asset is their fecund imaginations–completely lose hope because they were unwise. They sadly came to realize that all the accouterments of this strange lifestyle–the videos, the recording costs, etc.–are costs that they will have to shoulder themselves eventually before they see any real money. The advances and living expense money usually disappear quickly, and when pro rated out over a few years, don’t do you much better than a job at the post office would have. Meanwhile, the most valuable item–the intellectual property known as the songs you write–are robbed from you and become the property of the record company. Adults don’t sign away things that could make them money later. Only kids do.

The good news is that I think this is the best time ever for musicians, because now we have the Internet. We can write, produce and sell (if there’s demand) our own music without middle-men. What we lose sometimes is professional polish and a bit of legal protection (say, if your music was so good it was pirated). But I think the long-awaited goal of creating an artistic middle class is much closer than it used to be, and I’m happy to think that the music industry, buffeted by piracy and declining sales) is close to dying the death of the bloated gorgon that it is. If you need more money than that offered by the life of a middle-class artist, then I would suggest that you are just greedy and also recommend that you get a real job–specifically as a stock broker, where you can make shitloads of money without being terribly bright. If music is your whole life, I would also politely mention that there’s more to life than music, and that learning about something else would probably round you out as a person anyhow.

Since suffering many artistic disappointments in my 20s, I’ve become a lot happier since I stopped looking for approbation from other people to legitimize my creations. My wife and I make a lot of art and put it on this space, and sometimes you don’t know who’s out there rooting for you, if anybody. But at the end of the day, if the work is not making you happy, then maybe you don’t really want to be an artist in the first place. If you want to do it, you just have to do it, and therein lies the key to most spiritual happiness. It’s also nice to patronize those who are doing the same thing. It gives a little power to the masses and offers hope, which is not always a four-letter word.

Holy fuck! This turned into a rant. Something funnier tomorrow, eh?

Currently listening:
Ultimate High
By Carly Hennessy
Release date: 13 November, 2001

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 12, 2008 )

A Poem Comprising Random “American Idol” Bits Compacted For Your Convenience

“I’m a single mom…single mom…this is for my father who died…died in a car wreck…Type II diabetes…died last week…I’ve worked so hard … I just wanted a chance… …Type II diabetes…I want to dedicate this to my daughter … I’m a single mom……dad died…Typhoid…my father…my single mom…Type II diabetes…dat was the bomb…cancer….only 16…you can literally hear a pin drop…pressure is so intense…Type II diabetes…you’ve got that Carole King thing going on…I’m special and if they can’t see that …FU Simon…like my drunk uncle at a wedding…your spirit really breaks through …Type II diabetes … that was pitchy dawg…this is your moment…pitchy dawg…. this is your moment…you really shine…you really shine…Bryan Adams song… can’t breathe…Type II diabetes…say yes or no, Paula…pitchy dawg…you’ve got that kind of Janis Joplin thing …torture…Bryan Adams song…yes it’s true, everything I do I do for you…I’m saving myself for marriage … unbelievably bad … dead father … best audition of the day….torture … dead father … Type II diabetes … I’ve had enough. Goodbye…best audition of the day…poor…I live on a farm … abstinence … if my friends in Mexia, Texas could see me now…you’re not going to sing a Whitney Houston song, are you? … it’s just my daughter and me now…dead father…not good enough…chickens…dead father … stop singing stop singing…I’m on welfare…you’re not going to sing an Aretha Franklin song, are you? … you’re like a white person singing black songs …best audition of the day…this is your moment…I’ve always found it hard being the fat girl in class with two illegitimate children … I’m finding it hard to believe we’re in heaven…the pressure is excruciating…that was excruciating….stop….stop….stop.”

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(Originally posted Monday, February 11, 2008 )

Despite Her More Moderate Stance, Why Do Conservatives Continue To Hate Hillary Clinton?

–*They greatly fear a return to eight years of peace and prosperity.

–*They hate socialized medicine. And by that I mean they hate the sound of the words “SOASH-ill-ized MED-ee-sin.” What the words mean, they have no idea.

–*She and her husband Bill are bad liars, and conservatives prefer somebody who can lie with utter conviction.

–*They can’t believe she didn’t kick Bill to the curb for cheating. Thus failing to realize that “Ryan’s Hope” and stewardship of the U.S. executive branch are not actually the same thing.

–*She’s just way too smart for her own good, and by that they mean she’s too smart to run a huge bureaucracy, the world’s largest military, and the world’s largest economy.

–*They think that she has a falsely burnished heterosexual record.

–*The Clintons are polarizing figures. And what’s worse, according to conservatives: “They are not on my pole.”

–*They don’t like wily lawyers such as Hillary with their legal mumbo-jumbo. They prefer somebody who just cuts the Gordian knot and writes his own laws. Like Hitler.

–*They worry about a return to the years of the Whitewater non-scandal.

–*They worry about a return to the years of the Monica Lewinsky non-scandal.

–*They believe America is weary of the Clintons–rather than simply weary of how obnoxious conservatives become when a Clinton is president.

–*If she gets elected, Bill’s just going to keep fucking and fucking and fucking and fucking.

–*She reminds conservatives that in the ’90s they were worried about the U.N. spying on their houses in black helicopters. And they just don’t worry about that anymore now that George Bush is taking care of them with domestic phone surveillance, the infiltration of peace groups, the arrogation of power to politicized shadow organizations, the establishment of Eastern European gulags, and the systematized torture of undesirables.

–*There’s something French about her.

–*She won’t be tough and find a trumped up reason to invade Iran.

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(Originally posted Sunday, February 10, 2008 )

Greatly Anticipated Events At This Year’s Grammy Awards

–*Sixty-six year-old jazz legend Keely Smith and Kid Rock perform a duet of one of Liz Phair’s “I want to fuck you doggie style” songs.

–*Carole King, rather than sing one of her own songs, asks Courtney Love to do it, “because Courtney does it so much better.”

–*Ornette Coleman, a living genius, doesn’t perform himself but instead introduces some boy band that’s not fit to wipe his black ass.

–*Oh. Boy. Wow. There’s John Mayer.

–*What’s Joe Mantegna doing there?

–*The sight of Norah Jones comforts many old people.

–*There’s Ringo. He’ll do anything.

–*Timbaland realizes how much better George Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue” would have been if he had sampled it and put Nelly Furtado on it.

–*Natalie Cole and Tony Bennett remember Doris Day. Who was part of the problem back in the day.

–*Lots of red carpet shots of Nelly Furtado, who is part of the problem now.

–*Stevie Wonder half-speaks, half sings everything, including the words “I have to go to the bathroom” and “I hear Imogen Heap dresses like a bag lady.”

–*Imogen Heap is dressed as a bag lady

–*Earl Scruggs is remembered. But not too much.

–*Amy Winehouse sings very well by coordinating her lips, teeth, tongue, throat and diaphragm. Or not.

–*Chris Daughtry is here with his band wondering if there is anything anywhere that needs ruining with their presence.

–*Amy Winehouse racks up many Grammy wins, making her imminent untimely death that much sadder.

–*Berry Gordy’s alive?

–*There are sure to be lots of commercials by banks.

–*Once again, imagination is the big loser of the evening.

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(Originally posted Saturday, February 09, 2008 )

2 CBS
48 Hours Mystery: She was a beauty queen, but now she’s dead. Thank God you are not this dead beauty queen, dear viewer.

4 NBC
Law & Order: Clam Bake!

7 ABC
The Insider: Pat O’Brien politely asks Britney Spears to commit suicide on the air for him.

8 Fox
American Idol ups the ante on Hollywood Week by handing all the judges and contestants and Ryan Seacrest their own .38 snub noses.

13 PBS
Austin City Limits: I get the unsettling feeling that this blues singer is singing about something other than just sugar in this song. I think “sugar” is some kind of metaphor.

19 E! Entertainment Television
Britney utters the enigmatic word “Rosebud.”

19 E! Entertainment Television
Giuliana Rancic now appears to be some sort of expert on selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and borderline personality disorder, in addition to having a kickin’ profile

20 MTV
“Gag A Maggot!” (Reality)

20 MTV
“Dude! What Did You Put in My Mouth?” (Reality)

20 MTV
My Gay Dad Won’t Stop Talking About All His Gay Sex (Reality)

22 Fox News
Sean Hannity asks the question that most desperately needs to be asked during this campaign season: “Why haven’t Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili made a porno yet?”

23 Fashion TV
This season’s new designer dress bias cuts, skin tones and hip gussets say just one thing: “You’re a liar!”

30 Discovery Kids
Children discover Ativan, Serax, Klonopin, Valium, and all the other magical benzodiazepines that made up the contents of Anna Nicole Smith’s stomach.

38 Bravo
Infomercial: “What’s The Matter, Shithead? Can’t Find A Date?”

40 CNN
Mike Huckabee on the polls: “I don’t understand math, I understand miracles.” I wish that this were just a joke. But unfortunately he did say this to a group of adults.

42 Court TV
To Catch an Introvert

48 Comedy Central
A seven-hour informercial for old box sets of “The Midnight Special.” For Christ’s sake, you could waste less of our time by just re-running the fucking thing!

57 HBO
A horrible voice-over continues to ruin the film “Little Children” on second and third viewings.

58 Showtime
“Notes on a Scandal” would have been so much better with a shoot-out.

61 MSNBC
MSNBC thinks Chelsea Clinton is being “pimped out” by the Clinton campaign. Join us now as we envision Chelsea as a child prostitute in a steamy New Orleans flophouse at the turn of the century and that her real father is a pimp named “Goldy.”

62 Headline News
Conservatives demand a big tax rebate, specifically they want the body armor ripped off the Iraq soldiers and sent to their houses.

84 Ovation
Eve Ensler adds 172 new pet names for female genitalia to “The Vagina Monologues,” including “hair harbor,” “the thank-you hole,” and the “muy-muy.”

YouTube
You know you’re suffering from existential depression if you’ve been watching videos of kittens for the last hour. Steph?

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(Originally posted Friday, February 08, 2008 )

I’ve noticed that there just aren’t enough super-cool TV catch-phrases coming out anymore. Nothing as good as “D’oh!” or “I’m comin’ Elizabeth, this is the Big One!” or “Well excuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeee!” or “But nooooooooo!” So, herewith I offer some of my very own home-incubated TV catch phrases for any show that wants them for a modest fee of only $1.5 million apiece.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“This is completely ass!”

“Well that‘s a brain-gasm.”

“You’re all racists!”

“Do I not look busy to you, Mr. President?”

“Now this is a cock up!”

“Now that‘s what I call incest!”

“Slide me some Benjamins, cuz!”

“Oral retentive strikes again!”

“Very suspect!”

“Just waterboard me, why don’t ya?”

“Very execution style!”

“C-4 Plastic Explosive!”

“Very French, dad.”

“You’re so 420.”

“Das off da hook, Ichabod!”

“On my honor, sir!”

“Gott in himmel, Adolf!”

“Hey, if gay works for you…”

“Owww! Iwo Jima!”

“Boopers!”

“Ma shagah nagha!”

“Oy! What a week!”

“Why did I have a family of frummers?”

“Knock, knock! It’s colostomy time!”

“What a horrible country!”

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