Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, March 27, 2008 )

Do you ever find yourself flummoxed by loaded and unfair rhetorical questions, like “Why do liberals hate America?” Do you find yourself miffed and frustrated by people throwing silly hypothetical imperatives at you, ones that defy both logic and intuition? Well here’s a handy kit that will allow you to undermine casuistry and fallacies of relevance. It’s the “Beauty is Imperfection” Bullshit Question Resistor. It will help you answer ridiculous questions often asked by Internet Web sites, con men, jackbooted Nazi thugs and Bill O’Reilly.

Q: Which band is better, Fallout Boy or Good Charlotte?
A: I don’t know. I’ve haven’t eaten either one.

Q: Is Hillary finished?
A: No, just polished.

Q: Why do liberals hate America?
A: We don’t have enough commemorative plates.

Q: Do you want to say sorry to President Bush?
A: Yes, he is a sorry sack of shit.

Q: Wouldn’t you torture a prisoner if it could save a baby’s life?
A: I’d prefer a better point spread and might torture half a prisoner to save two and a half babies’ lives.

Q: Don’t you support the troops?
A: Yes, I would certainly hold anything for them, like their guns, belts or boots while they changed clothes.

Q: Do you care about your child’s education?
A: Yes, especially the fact that the more he learns, the more depressing it’s all going to get.

Q: Do you like or hate George Bush?
A: That question is completely irrelevant to the fact that he should be in jail. But I guess if I visited him there he would seem personable enough.

Q: Is Matt Damon really the sexiest man alive?
A: This is a question I would hesitate to answer without knowing his sperm count and motility.

Q: Do you think Barack Obama is the new Bobby Kennedy?
A: Either he’s the new Bobby Kennedy or the new Bette Midler, I can’t decide.

Q: Do you think this year’s American Idols are the most talented group ever?
A: No, really, George Bush should be in jail.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, March 26, 2008 )

Microsoft Office Paper Clip Help Wizard Wants To Help You

–*I see that you are writing a form letter. Can office wizard help you with the formatting of the letter or create a template for you?

–*I see that you are adding up a list of numbers. Can the help wizard add these numbers together for you at the end?

–*I see that you are writing a break-up letter to your girlfriend. Can Microsoft Help Wizard come up with any strong sentiments that you would like to share? Perhaps you would like the wizard to tell her that it takes two people to fail in a relationship, and that sometimes it’s best not to cast blame but for both of you to live up to your responsibilities in the termination of the relationship. Perhaps you are mad that she cheated. If so, Microsoft Office Wizard can tell her in no uncertain terms that you would never consider taking her back. From there we could decide whether maturity is in order: One polite response could be that she violated a fundamental trust, a bargain that both of you entered as mature adults into an emotional transaction. Or perhaps stronger language is needed. Perhaps you would like to call her a conniving whore or slut bag, a fiendish twat who hasn’t the self-esteem or wisdom to be faithful to you.

–*Microsoft Office Wizard sees that you are the one who cheated. Perhaps you would like to tell your girlfriend that you are not good enough for her. Or that it was only a one night stand, nothing to get her panties in a twist about. If she just had a little more self-confidence, she’d know that, and so wouldn’t it be a shame if she let her insecurity destroy the relationship all because you made one little mistake. A mistake that you are genetically hard-wired to make by the way, so why can’t she just get over it?

–*Microsoft Office Composition Wizard believes that you are putting too many adjectives in this breakup letter and using too much passive voice. Perhaps you would like the Office Wizard to write the letter for you, using such active phrases as “I’m ending it.” “You don’t deserve me,” or “You fucked that douchebag Hector.”

–*Microsoft Office Composition Wizard thinks that some of your sentiments expressed in the break-up letter are of the whiny, thumb-sucking variety. For instance, instead of saying, “Well, it’s just me now. On my own. I can’t trust anybody,” we suggest that you say “I’m looking forward to this period of separation, as it will allow me to better focus on my own personal needs and rely less on another person for my own inner strength and happiness, a tendency which puts undue stress on the relationship.” If this sentiment is unsatisfactory, Microsoft Office Wizard suggests you supplant it with the phrase, “I don’t need you, I can fuck anyone I want.”

–*Microsoft Office Wizard suggests that you use fewer astrology references, such as, “You’re a water sign and I’m a fire sign, and so we were doomed from the start.” You will inexorably find yourself embarrassed by such sentiments 10 years down the line, and the letter’s recipient will no doubt show the letter to people you both know to belittle you and insult your intelligence. Instead, Microsoft Office suggests that you say “Our relationship was doomed, in many ways, by a lack of shared values and goals.” This will have the right amount of clinical distance to allow you to acquit yourself with dignity intact.

–*Microsoft Office sees that you are threatening to tell all your mutual acquaintances that your girlfriend was on the anti-depressant Wellbutrin. The Paper Clip Wizard strongly recommends against this sort of emotional blackmail if you yourself are vulnerable to any attack for easily exposed flaws such as excessive flatulence, large girth, gambling habits, uncontrollable masturbation five times a day, illegal drug use or any time spent in a local municipal psychiatric ward. Also, check to see that the trade name for Wellbutrin has not changed for patent protection reasons.

–*Microsoft Office sees that you are writing a rebound letter to your old fuck buddy Susan. The Office Wizard strongly recommends that you first do research to see if Susan is not married or has not perhaps found her way back to the church. A little time and distance might have put Susan in a different perspective about a loveless and purely sexual relationship, which she might have come to find demeaning or even detrimental to her fragile self image. It is recommended that you ask Susan what her current hobbies and interests are and let her make the first move, perhaps with such playful signals as “I haven’t had a good lay in ages.”

–*Microsoft Office Wizard sees that you are typing a suicide letter. Though punctuation and proper grammar hardly matter at this point, the Paper Clip Wizard would recommend that you leave the letter with your driver’s license and passport (if applicable) in a clearly visible place on your bed or next to your body so that the police will know immediately how to locate the next of kin or an emergency contact.

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(Originally posted Sunday, March 23, 2008 )

About Me:

Hi all. I’m Beth, a freewheelin’ girl from Ventura in Cali. I’m the whole package. But I’m also the kind of girl who speaks my mind, so I hope you don’t have a problem with that. Many guys have been chatting me up here and want to know what my turnoffs are. Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve got a lot of things that bug me, and as a 21 year old girl with a killer bod who’s just 16 short months away from an awesome accounting degree, I’m not afraid to tell you.

I don’t like people who park in handicapped parking spaces if they don’t have a sticker. That just gets on my tits something awful. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t like people who do Irish accents if they aren’t Irish. Not that I’m Irish. But who are they trying to impress? Is that, like, your only way of making yourself known? Gosh! Get over yourself! Puh-leese!

And by the way, I find it very offensive if people use the “c” word around me when they haven’t known me for at least 18 months. I mean, if I’ve known you all my life and you’re my brother or my dad, you can say the “c” word all you want. Sometimes it’s a great word, especially if somebody’s being a real “c.” But if you say it when you’ve only been my partner at hatha yoga for a few weeks, obviously we’re not as intimate as you think we are. I feel very vulnerable when I’m doing the dog and cat pose and you start talking about what a “c” the instructor is. My body starts puckering in all the wrong places when you do that, and I will not be seeing you at yoga next week. And don’t expect me to call. I’ll just leave it to you to figure it out. That’s how I serve.

Next: I don’t like ventriloquists. That’s the lowest form of entertainment. It offends me personally if you talk at me through a doll. Do you think I’m stupid or something? Also, men who wear socks with holes in them. What did I do to you that you’ve got to wear socks with holes, kill your dog? Are we English street urchins here? I thought we lived in the wealthiest industrialized nation on the planet. And by the way, I don’t like short, yellow gym shorts on guys. And I especially don’t like it when you sit down and stretch in them, because who knows what shiny bags are going to come dangling out. What are you trying to do, make me scro-blind?

Other things I don’t like: pointy hats. And guys with too much curly facial hair. Geez! Don’t you know that “pornostaches” make me itch in my girly low lands when I see them? Also, I can’t stand people who eat whole pickles lengthwise. Ewww! Get a clue, pickle-fellators! That is not cool!

Meanwhile, if you wanna chat or, God forbid, date me, you gotta know that half-drunk bottles of Snapple left in the fridge make me want to kill somebody. If you ever leave a half-drunk bottle of Snapple in the fridge, I’m going to throw ice water on you while you sleep and then do glancing toe kicks at your genitals. That is just not something you do.

Other things I can’t stand: egg nog. Midgets. Three-legged dogs. If I see any of these things, I will fucking kill you. Also, I hate rust. And shaggy hair. And carpet if the nap is too short or too long. I hate Wal-Mart shopping carts left in the parking lot. I hate the phrases “due to” and “per our conversation.” If you use these phrases around me, I will dig my French cut nails into your eyes and scratch them until there’s nothing but optical nerve dangling out. I hate manila envelopes on Wednesday. I hate the letter “Q” when there’s not a “U” immediately following. I don’t like the way I feel right before sunset on Sunday evening, so you better not come anywhere near me right then. I hate chinchillas, the CBS television network, the color mauve, the way old people smell, the acronym “ROFL,” the unfinished underside of park benches, “The People’s Court,” chrome spinner hubcaps, poetry when it’s spoken out loud, the major arcana in Tarot decks, coffee cups with writing on them, and birds that can’t fly. So if I see anything of these things, I will totally plunge a knife into anyone who brings them around me. Got me?

I also hate the name Randolph, air conditioner condensation, mackerels, soup that’s colored white, the word “thee,” any group of numbers that add up to “17,” and girls who have both muffin tops and ass cracks. If I see any of these things, I will go into a grand mal seizure, and believe me, your bodily person will be nothing more than collateral damage in an erupting lava of nuclear girl malice that will envelop you and your family and wash you away in a soup of blood, gore and viscera.

Who I’d Like To Meet:

I will fucking kill you if you try to meet me.

Beth has: 22,868 friends

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(Originally posted Thursday, March 20, 2008 )

What are some of the ways that heterosexuals are pushing their agenda?*

–*Rampantly overbreeding, so that we will have 10-billion-person overpopulated planet where starvation and a Malthusian struggle for resources define the future

–*Putting adult warning labels on everything and stifling free speech so that they can let the televisions babysit their children

–*Making sure that all of the soft-core pornography on Cinemax is heterosexual soft-core pornography

–*Having the CIA follow Tinky Winky

–*Infiltrating city councils and making sure that the only civic initiatives that reach the floor are about vaginal penetration.

–*Keeping sex shops and dirty book stores relegated to the areas beyond the city limits so that sex may remain an underground, sub rosa, dirty impulse with a heightened appeal for fascistic, obsessive-compulsive fetishists

–*Keeping Oklahoma bigot and hate-monger Sally Kern in office.**

–*Keeping our gays on television safe, funny and sissy

–*Making “Girls Gone Wild” the No. 1 video in America, yee-haw!

–*Making sure that it is only heterosexual marriages that end in divorce half of the time

*Props go out to Box Turtle Bulletin for thinking of the “heterosexual agenda” idea before I did, though I didn’t realize it until after my blog was written.

**You can learn more about the dark doings of Sally Kern, the embarrassing Oklahoma politician who thinks homosexuality is worse than terrorism, here. If Sally Kern represents Oklahoma, then the entire state should be sold to Saudi Arabia. If Saudi Arabia doesn’t own it already.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, March 19, 2008 )

Washington, D.C. (AP)–President Bush said yesterday that, upon the five year anniversary of the War in Iraq, he has tapped legendary filmmaker Steven Spielberg to come up with an ending for the long, drawn-out conflict, a goal that has so far frustrated the efforts of America’s greatest military minds.

“Given the great challenge at hand, we needed a real pro to come in and complete the production of this challenging and tough project,” said Bush, with the famous filmmaker standing at his side in the Rose Garden, “And who could do it better than the man who directed Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, and Munich?”

Bush said that Spielberg was coming up with an ending that would satisfy the American public’s thrist for “closure, justice, and a clear moral message.” Though he didn’t divulge any ideas right off hand, Spielberg said that “a Dr. Strangelove ending might be dark and sinister, but also funny.” Also, he said, the idea of reconciling the country with its long lost leader Saddam Hussein might have the right amount of bittersweet irony and forgiveness, though sadly, Saddam is no longer available for the role. Another option is to have Tom Hanks give a valedictory speech to the Iraqis as the Americans fly desperately out of Baghdad on helicopters with Iraqi children dangling off the skids. His message would be to the abandoned country: “Earn it!”

“I just love Steven’s ideas,” said President Bush, “As you know, I’m was a history guy in college and strongly believe that history is always written by great men. And where great men fail, it is to be written by the pros at Dreamworks.”

Spielberg asked the audience to imagine great red and blue flashes of fireworks in the night sky, soaring music intermingling with the sounds of whistling RPG shoulder-launched anti-tank weapons and home-made mortars. The roar of Bradleys, tanks, humvees and armored personal carriers. “And then,” Spielberg said, conjuring a movie screen, “the camera zooms down on a small Iraqi girl picking up a flower from the ruin. And the audience will know: that’s why we were here. That’s what it’s all about. And then shortly after that, the American troops will quickly fall back and abscond in a scorched-earth evacuation of heart-chilling animal fear that makes the evacuation at Dunkirk look like a Sunday at Emack & Bolio’s.”

“What I like about Steven is that he understands the narrative of history,” said Bush. “And by that I mean history is a narrative … or, it has a narrative applied to it … after the fact … by people who insist that there be a narrative.”

“Let’s face it,” Spielberg said, “Random meaningless violence and carnage don’t add up to good storytelling, and that’s what’s been the problem with the Iraq War up to now. What it needs is a sense of closure. A sense of the personal and not just the statistical. Because you’ve got to admit, if you just looked at all the statistics of the Iraq War, it’s mainly just hundreds of thousands of dead people, and most people would react to that and say: ‘My God, that’s so mind-numbingly awful I want to commit suicide.’ It’s better to end on an up-note, or if not, to end on a note of redemption or bittersweet irony, at least.”

Spielberg will set to work in a couple of months, his schedule now being free after he withdrew from work on the Olympics in China, in protest of that country’s continuing economic support for the government of Sudan.

“I can never morally support a regime that tolerates genocides simply because it needs oil,” said Spielberg. “Um … actually, what I meant to say was that I always thought my pal Robert Zemeckis would be a better fit for that project.”

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(Originally posted Tuesday, March 18, 2008 )

Things are getting a bit back to normal at the homestead now that Stephanie and I have moved into our new apartment and gotten away from our old house with (a bit) of our dignity intact. We hope to start working on a new “Retributioners” soon, and meanwhile, I’m hoping to start blogging more frequently again, now that the desk is here and (half) finished.

The only reason we’re still not hitting on all 8s yet is that we’re trying to fulfill other obligations we had to put off during the Sturm und Drang of the move.

We just spent a couple of days hosting out-of-town guests for St. Paddy’s day, and I managed to do two things I’ve never done in New York: watch the St. Patrick’s Day parade and see the Broadway show “Rent,” shortly before it is closed for good. The latter was a great show, which I would highly recommend if it weren’t already 12 years old and about to close. So I shall not recommend it for those reasons. The parade, however, was hours and hours of watching policemen and fireman march down Fifth Avenue, a callithump only occasionally interrupted by elementary school girls doing the Irish step dance and bagpipes. There were no floats. There were, however, several displays of Irish Republican Army pride, in which I could, sadly, not share. I have no dog in that fight.

Anyway, I’m trying to catch up a little with a few blogs today. And if you’re interested, I just put “The Dionysian Rationale” back up on ER Salo Deguierre’s page. I’m still getting a lot of hits there lately. I’m not sure if I got popular on purpose or accidentally.

May the rose rise to bite you,
Eric

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(Originally posted Tuesday, March 18, 2008 )

What Things Are We Doing to Prop Up The Ailing Economy?

–*Cutting interest rates to almost nothing so that the dollar will become extra, extra worthless

–*Bailing out large investment banks because of the way such banks have suffered in their selfless, saint-like, silent despair with their bleeding, pitiful hedge funds dying in their arms

–*Giving all Americans a free plasma TV and in return telling them not to ask any questions

–*Giving a boost to the Canadian dollar and then asking Americans to move to Canada

–*Announcing with great fanfare that “America’s On Sale” in countries like China, Russia and Saudi Arabia

–*Creating great economic stimulus packages and encouraging more of the same self-destructive activity that got us here in the first place

–*Hastening America’s development into a rural, agrarian republic of cottage industries producing cheese and candles, just like Thomas Jefferson wanted

–*Exporting all of our sheep’s wool and lanolin to the low countries

–*Annexing Iraq and stealing its oceans of oil, which, while immoral, isn’t much more immoral than what we’ve already done to the place

–*Putting wealth-generating former jailbait star Britney Spears at the head of the Federal Reserve and getting rid of Ben “Cry Me A River Of Cheap Money” Bernanke

–*Hoarding all the Star Wars dolls

–*Monetizing Nintendo Wiis

–*Building a railroad to the moon that will employ all of humanity

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(Originally posted Friday, March 14, 2008 )

Some Bands Playing At Austin’s SXSW Music Conference This Year

The Dumpsterelles

The Fig Nugents

Holiday From Calvinism

Twat Attack

The Mother Phisters

Paul Major and Courtesy Flush

The Bleeding Ulsters

Respect the Cock

Foment Madness

The Wernicke’s Aphasia Band

Emordinary

The Lambda Sign Band

The Rainer Werner Ass Binders

The Drastically Lowered Standards Band

The Wedge Cuts

The Overhead Jennicams

Trial at Nuremburg

The Flying Onanists

Spitzer on Trial

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(Originally posted Thursday, March 13, 2008 )

Things To Keep In Perspective As We Watch The Downfall of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer

–*Eliot Spitzer, unlike Bill Clinton, had to pay women to be with him, which means he is likely just as much an unlikeable weasel among ladies as he is among his distinguished colleagues in Albany.

–*We would be wrong in suggesting that Eliot Spitzer’s weaselly behavior somehow redeems the criminals he chased on Wall Street or atones for the sins of predatory capitalists who would still victimize you, and we should remember that he was still right to nail their sorry sack of shit asses to the wall.

–*We would do well to remember that Gov. Spitzer is in trouble for engaging in the sort of illicit activity that he himself had prosecuted and for structuring shell companies to hide this activity. He is not in trouble for commiting adultery, nor should we make this a discussion about adultery, which is a personal moral problem and not the business of the weaselly constituents.

–*We should ask why is it that the resigned, sad abnegation written on Silda Spitzer’s face as she stands at her weasel husband’s side somehow makes her really, really hot–much hotter than she ever was prancing about like a dressage pony in her ball gowns.

–*We should all ask Silda for a date if she leaves her weasel husband.

–*But we should not assume that she will, because the dedication of two highly intelligent successful people to each other is stronger than the base morality of tut-tutting fishwives or anybody else who watches the Lifetime network.

–*We should all be more familiar with the Mann Act, which is rarely invoked except in special cases involving Eliot Spitzer, Chuck Berry and Charlie Chaplin.

–*We should remember that prostitution will never go away, because it never has, because there are always weasels who are willing to pay for it, and thus it might be better off legalized and controlled since it cannot be totally expunged.

–*We should all pay more attention to Ashley Alexandra Dupre, to set an example for all girls showing them how fame and notoriety and book and record deals await them in their career as high-priced prostitutes.

–*We should also keep in mind that being a sexually exploited high-class prostitute is going to much better prepare you for a life in the music industry than you could ever imagine.

–*We should remember that, though Eliot Spitzer is indeed a weasel, we would be remiss in saying that his failings are anything remotely equivalent morally to those of another executive branch politician who is still at large, still in power and still responsible for the deaths of anywhere from 100,000 to a million Iraqis.

–*We should all realize that we are not going to learn anything important about this story from anybody who appears on Larry King, especially not from someone who has written a book.

–*We should remember that a man will give up everything, even unthinkable political power, for just a couple of hours with a 6 from South Jersey.

–*… the type of girl whom you could probably get it from for free, by the way, with a couple of Amaretto Sours and a bit of wheedling.

–*We would also do well to remember that Eliot Spitzer would not be in this predicament if he simply greased his weasel more often.

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