Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, March 26, 2008 )

Microsoft Office Paper Clip Help Wizard Wants To Help You

–*I see that you are writing a form letter. Can office wizard help you with the formatting of the letter or create a template for you?

–*I see that you are adding up a list of numbers. Can the help wizard add these numbers together for you at the end?

–*I see that you are writing a break-up letter to your girlfriend. Can Microsoft Help Wizard come up with any strong sentiments that you would like to share? Perhaps you would like the wizard to tell her that it takes two people to fail in a relationship, and that sometimes it’s best not to cast blame but for both of you to live up to your responsibilities in the termination of the relationship. Perhaps you are mad that she cheated. If so, Microsoft Office Wizard can tell her in no uncertain terms that you would never consider taking her back. From there we could decide whether maturity is in order: One polite response could be that she violated a fundamental trust, a bargain that both of you entered as mature adults into an emotional transaction. Or perhaps stronger language is needed. Perhaps you would like to call her a conniving whore or slut bag, a fiendish twat who hasn’t the self-esteem or wisdom to be faithful to you.

–*Microsoft Office Wizard sees that you are the one who cheated. Perhaps you would like to tell your girlfriend that you are not good enough for her. Or that it was only a one night stand, nothing to get her panties in a twist about. If she just had a little more self-confidence, she’d know that, and so wouldn’t it be a shame if she let her insecurity destroy the relationship all because you made one little mistake. A mistake that you are genetically hard-wired to make by the way, so why can’t she just get over it?

–*Microsoft Office Composition Wizard believes that you are putting too many adjectives in this breakup letter and using too much passive voice. Perhaps you would like the Office Wizard to write the letter for you, using such active phrases as “I’m ending it.” “You don’t deserve me,” or “You fucked that douchebag Hector.”

–*Microsoft Office Composition Wizard thinks that some of your sentiments expressed in the break-up letter are of the whiny, thumb-sucking variety. For instance, instead of saying, “Well, it’s just me now. On my own. I can’t trust anybody,” we suggest that you say “I’m looking forward to this period of separation, as it will allow me to better focus on my own personal needs and rely less on another person for my own inner strength and happiness, a tendency which puts undue stress on the relationship.” If this sentiment is unsatisfactory, Microsoft Office Wizard suggests you supplant it with the phrase, “I don’t need you, I can fuck anyone I want.”

–*Microsoft Office Wizard suggests that you use fewer astrology references, such as, “You’re a water sign and I’m a fire sign, and so we were doomed from the start.” You will inexorably find yourself embarrassed by such sentiments 10 years down the line, and the letter’s recipient will no doubt show the letter to people you both know to belittle you and insult your intelligence. Instead, Microsoft Office suggests that you say “Our relationship was doomed, in many ways, by a lack of shared values and goals.” This will have the right amount of clinical distance to allow you to acquit yourself with dignity intact.

–*Microsoft Office sees that you are threatening to tell all your mutual acquaintances that your girlfriend was on the anti-depressant Wellbutrin. The Paper Clip Wizard strongly recommends against this sort of emotional blackmail if you yourself are vulnerable to any attack for easily exposed flaws such as excessive flatulence, large girth, gambling habits, uncontrollable masturbation five times a day, illegal drug use or any time spent in a local municipal psychiatric ward. Also, check to see that the trade name for Wellbutrin has not changed for patent protection reasons.

–*Microsoft Office sees that you are writing a rebound letter to your old fuck buddy Susan. The Office Wizard strongly recommends that you first do research to see if Susan is not married or has not perhaps found her way back to the church. A little time and distance might have put Susan in a different perspective about a loveless and purely sexual relationship, which she might have come to find demeaning or even detrimental to her fragile self image. It is recommended that you ask Susan what her current hobbies and interests are and let her make the first move, perhaps with such playful signals as “I haven’t had a good lay in ages.”

–*Microsoft Office Wizard sees that you are typing a suicide letter. Though punctuation and proper grammar hardly matter at this point, the Paper Clip Wizard would recommend that you leave the letter with your driver’s license and passport (if applicable) in a clearly visible place on your bed or next to your body so that the police will know immediately how to locate the next of kin or an emergency contact.