(Originally posted Thursday, March 27, 2008 )
Do you ever find yourself flummoxed by loaded and unfair rhetorical questions, like “Why do liberals hate America?” Do you find yourself miffed and frustrated by people throwing silly hypothetical imperatives at you, ones that defy both logic and intuition? Well here’s a handy kit that will allow you to undermine casuistry and fallacies of relevance. It’s the “Beauty is Imperfection” Bullshit Question Resistor. It will help you answer ridiculous questions often asked by Internet Web sites, con men, jackbooted Nazi thugs and Bill O’Reilly.
Q: Which band is better, Fallout Boy or Good Charlotte?
A: I don’t know. I’ve haven’t eaten either one.
Q: Is Hillary finished?
A: No, just polished.
Q: Why do liberals hate America?
A: We don’t have enough commemorative plates.
Q: Do you want to say sorry to President Bush?
A: Yes, he is a sorry sack of shit.
Q: Wouldn’t you torture a prisoner if it could save a baby’s life?
A: I’d prefer a better point spread and might torture half a prisoner to save two and a half babies’ lives.
Q: Don’t you support the troops?
A: Yes, I would certainly hold anything for them, like their guns, belts or boots while they changed clothes.
Q: Do you care about your child’s education?
A: Yes, especially the fact that the more he learns, the more depressing it’s all going to get.
Q: Do you like or hate George Bush?
A: That question is completely irrelevant to the fact that he should be in jail. But I guess if I visited him there he would seem personable enough.
Q: Is Matt Damon really the sexiest man alive?
A: This is a question I would hesitate to answer without knowing his sperm count and motility.
Q: Do you think Barack Obama is the new Bobby Kennedy?
A: Either he’s the new Bobby Kennedy or the new Bette Midler, I can’t decide.
Q: Do you think this year’s American Idols are the most talented group ever?
A: No, really, George Bush should be in jail.
Beauty is Imperfection 
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