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Archive for January 27th, 2009

(Originally posted Sunday, December 02, 2007)

2 CBS
Walker, Texas Panderer

4 NBC
Law & Order: Professional Athletes Detail

5 ABC
A Chick Show With Even More Extensive String Plucking To Let You Know It’s a Satire, Lest You Think The Hip Producers Are Somehow Not Above Entertaining You

6 CW
America’s Next Top Zionist

7 Telemundo
El Hombre Es Embarazada! Ay!

8 Biography
Taking a cue from Immanuel Kant, viewers make a strike against pure reason by watching psychic shows

9 Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: Bodily Fluids In Anthropomorphic Form

10 ESPN-Classic
“The Cannonball Run II,” like a whore looking for a place to sleep, somehow winds up on ESPN Classic

11 Fox News
Der Hannity Kinder

12 CMT
Where To Get The Hog Feed To Make Your Mash Liquor Without Drawring Attention From the POE-lice

18 History Channel
Just Enough History About the Hippies To Allow You To Dismiss Them All Over Again

19 CNN
Could you say that again? Larry wasn’t listening.

20 FX, 21 Sci-Fi and 22 A&E
We promise to just get grosser and more violent and more profane until you pay attention to us.

21 MTV
Whose Sick Did I Wake Up In?

22 VH-1
Does Carly Simon have to sleep with Flavor Flav to get back on this channel?

24 HBO
A Documentary About Atlantic City Hookers Narrated Entirely In Iambic Pentameter

26 E! Entertainment
Every Girl Is Attractive When She’s Naked (Reality)

28 Bravo
Fear My Brazen Sauce

29 Hallmark
Charles Durning served his country on the beaches of Normandy. Here he stars as Santa in a horrible Christmas show thought up in the marketing department by a 29-year-old yuppie scumbag.

30 Lifetime
Movie: A driven, single-minded career woman who lives only for her work … oh, Jesus, need I continue?

31 Cinemax
The Vagina Syndrome

31 Cinemax
Lonesome Rim

31 Cinemax
Things To Do With Heather In Your Bed

32 BET
Kicked In The Butt By Love

33 HGTV
Kicked In The Butt By an Adjustable-Rate Mortgage

34 Court TV
Your Unabashed Hatred Only Diminishes You, Dear Viewer, But Having Said That, Here Are Some Dirty Filthy, Lowlife, Murdering, Child-Molesting Scumbags You Can Hate

35 Democracy Now
Smug Liberal Curls Lip

YouTube:
–*Bickering Republican Front Runners Make Mike Huckabee Look Not Blood-Curdlingly Stupid For Brief Moment
–*Small Kitten Vomiting and Still Looking Extra Cute
–*Suicide Girl Continuing To Get Positive Feedback For Working Through Her Body Issues the Wrong Way

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(Originally posted Friday, November 30, 2007)

American Beauty: The Trial

Titanic: The Search For Jack

Leaving Las Vegas: Another Round

Breaking The Waves: Bess’s Revenge

Fargo: Far Gone

A Streetcar Named Desire 2: SND2

Fiddler On the Roof: Back to the Shtetls

Goodfellas: Another Blast to the Face

Brokeback Mountain: No More Yodeling In the Gully

Do the Right Thing: After It’s Too Late To Do the Right Thing

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(Originally posted Thursday, November 29, 2007)

How are we not in any way shape or form succeeding in instilling the proper respect for the Prophet Mohammad in the Sudan?

–*Caning

–*Bastinado

–*Scourging

–*Cat o’ nine tails

–*Lapidation

–*Rustication

–*Larruping

–*Fustigating

–*Cudgeling

–*Garrotting

–*Keel hauling

–*Horse whipping

–*Tar and feathers

–*Administering the lash

–*Breaking them on the wheel

–*Hanging them on a gibbet

–*Impaling

–*Decollating

–*Flaying them alive

–*Cobbing

–*Flagellating

–*Iron maiden

–*Rack and screw

–*Waterboarding

–*And lastly, we’re not instilling respect for Mohammad in the Sudan by throwing English schoolteachers in jail for 14 days for naming a teddy bear after him, an action which would be a direct assault on reason and logic and the Enlightenment.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, November 28, 2007)

What are random strangers looking up on Google today?

France + riots

France + riots + Sarkozy

Sarkozy + wife

Sarkozy + “hot ex-wife”

“Fred Thompson” + “hot wife”

“Dennis Kucinich” + “hot wife”

“Dennis Kucinich” + “hot wife” + “tongue stud”

Sarkozy + “hot ex-wife” + swingers

“Beer cozy” + swingers

Beer

Beer + Britneys

“Cockney Rhyming Slang”

“What is Cockney rhyming slang?”

Beer + Stella Artois + swingers + “Asheville, North Carolina”

“Where can I find beer and swingers in Asheville, N.C.?”

Asheville + “city hall”

Asheville + “art deco”

“What is art deco?”

“Where can I find swingers and art deco in Asheville, N.C.?”

“Dennis Kucinich” + “French riots”

“Is Dennis Kucinich part French?”

“Am I part French?”

Geneaology + Asheville + French

Genealogy + Asheville + Indian

Genealogy + Asheville + Norway

Genealogy + Asheville + Jewish

“Could I be Jewish?”

“What does matrilinear mean?”

“Matrilinear Judaism”

“What do I do if I just found out I’m Jewish?”

“Ba’alei t’shuvah”

“observing Sabbath”

“How to make your Passover Seder memorable”

“Rediscovering your Jewish faith”

“Why marry Jewish?”

“Why marry Jewish girls in Asheville, N.C.?”

Depression

Depression and “Britney Spears”

“Britney Spears” and Asheville, N.C.

Britneys and beer

“Britney Spears” and beer and “Cockney rhyming slang”

“Juggs and Thuggs dot com”

Depression and Asheville and “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, November 28, 2007)

Remember when you did your hair up like Flock of Seagulls back in the ’80s? Ick! What were we thinking?

Remember when you begged your mom to make your hair big and buy you stone-washed jeans? What could possibly have been going through our minds?

Remember when you thought “Flatliners” was the best movie of 1990? Eww! What were we thinking, man?

Remember when you used to drunk dial an old boyfriend from a bar and he’d hang up on you and so you’d go home with a stranger and catch a raging case of the syph? Arg!! What were we thinking?

Remember when you got your genitals pierced and they started weeping pus? Not just regular pus, but kind of a red-whitish-gray kind of pus? What could we have been smoking?

Remember in Honduras when we drank that home-made aguardiente laced with radiator fluid and went blind? What could we have freakin’ been thinking about, Ese?

Remember when you thought you could save your marriage by going on Jerry Springer and instead you got into a fistfight with your wife’s new boyfriend and he kicked your punk ass on television while a chorus of nimrods yelled “Woo woo woo”? What was running through our heads?

Remember when you ignored all those smart, rational and dependable women because you wanted to wait for Uma Thurman, even though she was already married and not anywhere close to being in your league? Did somebody hit us with a stupid stick or what?

Remember when you borrowed home equity to buy a plasma screen TV as big as a swimming pool when at the same time you couldn’t be bothered to put $80 a month into a retirement plan that would generate double-digit compound returns? Were our heads just glued to our asses or what?

Remember when you smoked cigarettes through all nine months of your pregnancy and the baby came out all super-tiny and asthmatic? Ecchhh!! What could we have had running through our noggins?

Remember when you thought Ronald Reagan was so nice and wanted to help the working man, and now after 25 years in this pro-corporation enviroment he’s created, workers have no defined benefit pensions and no job security and no decent public schools and their income is lower than gerbil squat, so they have to work three jobs if they have a family? What kind of calculus were we doing on that one?

Remember when the U.S. had all the creole pigs in Haiti killed because of an irrational fear of African swine fever, wrecking the peasant economy in the process? What were we sniffing?

Remember when we thought 9/11 justified anything we did to anybody? Were we smoking crack?

Remember when we thought George Bush seemed like an easygoing guy, a real mensch, just like the rest of us, even though he was actually a rich, upper class privileged prep school scumbag twit who, very much unlike the rest of us, has spent his entire life being rewarded every time he makes a mistake, much like a toddler who is being toilet trained? Was there acid in our water supply or something? What were we thinking?

Remember the last time you did something smart? I don’t either. The smart things we do are never quite as memorable. Sigh.

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(Originally posted Monday, November 26, 2007)

Backdoor Spice

Tweaker Spice

Welfare Mother Spice

Passive Aggressive Spice

Developmentally Disabled Spice

Klondike Bars Spice

Beard For Her Gay Husband Spice

Sweatshop Spice

Metal Foundry Yard Manager Spice

Hookah Spice

Absinthe Spice

Marsupial Pouch Spice

Diverticulitis Spice

Visible Abdominal Stoma Spice

Palestinian Diplomatic Corps Spice

Panzer Division Spice

Erotic Asphixiation Spice

Autodidact Spice

CDC Toxicologist Spice

President Spice, and finally, without further ado, the one you’ve all been waiting for:

Sex Object Spice

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Happy Thanksgiving

(Originally posted Wednesday, November 21, 2007)

I’m off on vacation for a few days to Washington. As we head into the holiday season, I invite you to reflect on life, love, your family, football, turkey, chemicals, hairspray, wheat germ, granola, melatonin, frostbite and most importantly, on impeachment.

I will likely not be posting again for a few days, and this will be the first time in a month and a half or so I have not posted a daily blog. So this is something else I want to reflect on — this little daily blog experiment of mine. I thought it would be a good time to ask, “Who are you, Beauty is Imperfection reader?” My counter tells me one day that there are 150 of you, and the next day it tells me there are 13 of you. Now don’t get me wrong. I love you all the same whether you are six or 100. But knowing how many of you there are might influence my decision to keep posting daily, especially since I am also working on a Web series, not to mention writing for the financial services industry.

So please drop me a line, whoever you are, even if it’s to say Happy Thanksgiving, and let me know if my blog has kept you informed, enlightened, entertained and bolt upright.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Eric

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