Archive for January 27th, 2009

(Originally posted Sunday, December 02, 2007)

Walker, Texas Panderer

Law & Order: Professional Athletes Detail

A Chick Show With Even More Extensive String Plucking To Let You Know It’s a Satire, Lest You Think The Hip Producers Are Somehow Not Above Entertaining You

6 CW
America’s Next Top Zionist

7 Telemundo
El Hombre Es Embarazada! Ay!

8 Biography
Taking a cue from Immanuel Kant, viewers make a strike against pure reason by watching psychic shows

9 Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: Bodily Fluids In Anthropomorphic Form

10 ESPN-Classic
“The Cannonball Run II,” like a whore looking for a place to sleep, somehow winds up on ESPN Classic

11 Fox News
Der Hannity Kinder

12 CMT
Where To Get The Hog Feed To Make Your Mash Liquor Without Drawring Attention From the POE-lice

18 History Channel
Just Enough History About the Hippies To Allow You To Dismiss Them All Over Again

19 CNN
Could you say that again? Larry wasn’t listening.

20 FX, 21 Sci-Fi and 22 A&E
We promise to just get grosser and more violent and more profane until you pay attention to us.

21 MTV
Whose Sick Did I Wake Up In?

22 VH-1
Does Carly Simon have to sleep with Flavor Flav to get back on this channel?

24 HBO
A Documentary About Atlantic City Hookers Narrated Entirely In Iambic Pentameter

26 E! Entertainment
Every Girl Is Attractive When She’s Naked (Reality)

28 Bravo
Fear My Brazen Sauce

29 Hallmark
Charles Durning served his country on the beaches of Normandy. Here he stars as Santa in a horrible Christmas show thought up in the marketing department by a 29-year-old yuppie scumbag.

30 Lifetime
Movie: A driven, single-minded career woman who lives only for her work … oh, Jesus, need I continue?

31 Cinemax
The Vagina Syndrome

31 Cinemax
Lonesome Rim

31 Cinemax
Things To Do With Heather In Your Bed

32 BET
Kicked In The Butt By Love

Kicked In The Butt By an Adjustable-Rate Mortgage

34 Court TV
Your Unabashed Hatred Only Diminishes You, Dear Viewer, But Having Said That, Here Are Some Dirty Filthy, Lowlife, Murdering, Child-Molesting Scumbags You Can Hate

35 Democracy Now
Smug Liberal Curls Lip

–*Bickering Republican Front Runners Make Mike Huckabee Look Not Blood-Curdlingly Stupid For Brief Moment
–*Small Kitten Vomiting and Still Looking Extra Cute
–*Suicide Girl Continuing To Get Positive Feedback For Working Through Her Body Issues the Wrong Way

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(Originally posted Friday, November 30, 2007)

American Beauty: The Trial

Titanic: The Search For Jack

Leaving Las Vegas: Another Round

Breaking The Waves: Bess’s Revenge

Fargo: Far Gone

A Streetcar Named Desire 2: SND2

Fiddler On the Roof: Back to the Shtetls

Goodfellas: Another Blast to the Face

Brokeback Mountain: No More Yodeling In the Gully

Do the Right Thing: After It’s Too Late To Do the Right Thing

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(Originally posted Thursday, November 29, 2007)

How are we not in any way shape or form succeeding in instilling the proper respect for the Prophet Mohammad in the Sudan?




–*Cat o’ nine tails







–*Keel hauling

–*Horse whipping

–*Tar and feathers

–*Administering the lash

–*Breaking them on the wheel

–*Hanging them on a gibbet



–*Flaying them alive



–*Iron maiden

–*Rack and screw


–*And lastly, we’re not instilling respect for Mohammad in the Sudan by throwing English schoolteachers in jail for 14 days for naming a teddy bear after him, an action which would be a direct assault on reason and logic and the Enlightenment.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, November 28, 2007)

What are random strangers looking up on Google today?

France + riots

France + riots + Sarkozy

Sarkozy + wife

Sarkozy + “hot ex-wife”

“Fred Thompson” + “hot wife”

“Dennis Kucinich” + “hot wife”

“Dennis Kucinich” + “hot wife” + “tongue stud”

Sarkozy + “hot ex-wife” + swingers

“Beer cozy” + swingers


Beer + Britneys

“Cockney Rhyming Slang”

“What is Cockney rhyming slang?”

Beer + Stella Artois + swingers + “Asheville, North Carolina”

“Where can I find beer and swingers in Asheville, N.C.?”

Asheville + “city hall”

Asheville + “art deco”

“What is art deco?”

“Where can I find swingers and art deco in Asheville, N.C.?”

“Dennis Kucinich” + “French riots”

“Is Dennis Kucinich part French?”

“Am I part French?”

Geneaology + Asheville + French

Genealogy + Asheville + Indian

Genealogy + Asheville + Norway

Genealogy + Asheville + Jewish

“Could I be Jewish?”

“What does matrilinear mean?”

“Matrilinear Judaism”

“What do I do if I just found out I’m Jewish?”

“Ba’alei t’shuvah”

“observing Sabbath”

“How to make your Passover Seder memorable”

“Rediscovering your Jewish faith”

“Why marry Jewish?”

“Why marry Jewish girls in Asheville, N.C.?”


Depression and “Britney Spears”

“Britney Spears” and Asheville, N.C.

Britneys and beer

“Britney Spears” and beer and “Cockney rhyming slang”

“Juggs and Thuggs dot com”

Depression and Asheville and “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, November 28, 2007)

Remember when you did your hair up like Flock of Seagulls back in the ’80s? Ick! What were we thinking?

Remember when you begged your mom to make your hair big and buy you stone-washed jeans? What could possibly have been going through our minds?

Remember when you thought “Flatliners” was the best movie of 1990? Eww! What were we thinking, man?

Remember when you used to drunk dial an old boyfriend from a bar and he’d hang up on you and so you’d go home with a stranger and catch a raging case of the syph? Arg!! What were we thinking?

Remember when you got your genitals pierced and they started weeping pus? Not just regular pus, but kind of a red-whitish-gray kind of pus? What could we have been smoking?

Remember in Honduras when we drank that home-made aguardiente laced with radiator fluid and went blind? What could we have freakin’ been thinking about, Ese?

Remember when you thought you could save your marriage by going on Jerry Springer and instead you got into a fistfight with your wife’s new boyfriend and he kicked your punk ass on television while a chorus of nimrods yelled “Woo woo woo”? What was running through our heads?

Remember when you ignored all those smart, rational and dependable women because you wanted to wait for Uma Thurman, even though she was already married and not anywhere close to being in your league? Did somebody hit us with a stupid stick or what?

Remember when you borrowed home equity to buy a plasma screen TV as big as a swimming pool when at the same time you couldn’t be bothered to put $80 a month into a retirement plan that would generate double-digit compound returns? Were our heads just glued to our asses or what?

Remember when you smoked cigarettes through all nine months of your pregnancy and the baby came out all super-tiny and asthmatic? Ecchhh!! What could we have had running through our noggins?

Remember when you thought Ronald Reagan was so nice and wanted to help the working man, and now after 25 years in this pro-corporation enviroment he’s created, workers have no defined benefit pensions and no job security and no decent public schools and their income is lower than gerbil squat, so they have to work three jobs if they have a family? What kind of calculus were we doing on that one?

Remember when the U.S. had all the creole pigs in Haiti killed because of an irrational fear of African swine fever, wrecking the peasant economy in the process? What were we sniffing?

Remember when we thought 9/11 justified anything we did to anybody? Were we smoking crack?

Remember when we thought George Bush seemed like an easygoing guy, a real mensch, just like the rest of us, even though he was actually a rich, upper class privileged prep school scumbag twit who, very much unlike the rest of us, has spent his entire life being rewarded every time he makes a mistake, much like a toddler who is being toilet trained? Was there acid in our water supply or something? What were we thinking?

Remember the last time you did something smart? I don’t either. The smart things we do are never quite as memorable. Sigh.

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(Originally posted Monday, November 26, 2007)

Backdoor Spice

Tweaker Spice

Welfare Mother Spice

Passive Aggressive Spice

Developmentally Disabled Spice

Klondike Bars Spice

Beard For Her Gay Husband Spice

Sweatshop Spice

Metal Foundry Yard Manager Spice

Hookah Spice

Absinthe Spice

Marsupial Pouch Spice

Diverticulitis Spice

Visible Abdominal Stoma Spice

Palestinian Diplomatic Corps Spice

Panzer Division Spice

Erotic Asphixiation Spice

Autodidact Spice

CDC Toxicologist Spice

President Spice, and finally, without further ado, the one you’ve all been waiting for:

Sex Object Spice

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Happy Thanksgiving

(Originally posted Wednesday, November 21, 2007)

I’m off on vacation for a few days to Washington. As we head into the holiday season, I invite you to reflect on life, love, your family, football, turkey, chemicals, hairspray, wheat germ, granola, melatonin, frostbite and most importantly, on impeachment.

I will likely not be posting again for a few days, and this will be the first time in a month and a half or so I have not posted a daily blog. So this is something else I want to reflect on — this little daily blog experiment of mine. I thought it would be a good time to ask, “Who are you, Beauty is Imperfection reader?” My counter tells me one day that there are 150 of you, and the next day it tells me there are 13 of you. Now don’t get me wrong. I love you all the same whether you are six or 100. But knowing how many of you there are might influence my decision to keep posting daily, especially since I am also working on a Web series, not to mention writing for the financial services industry.

So please drop me a line, whoever you are, even if it’s to say Happy Thanksgiving, and let me know if my blog has kept you informed, enlightened, entertained and bolt upright.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

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(Originally posted Tuesday, November 20, 2007)

Morrie Schwartz offered his pupil Mitch Ablom many pearls of gnomic wisdom in the classic book “Tuesdays With Morrie.” But what inspirational nuggets were left out?

–* “Death is the easy part. It’s your penis superglued to your leg that’s hard.”

–* “Once you learn how to die, it’s too late to learn how to tango. You have to do it in the right order. That’s just common sense.”

–* “It’s OK. When I made love to the rook, it was already dead.”

–* “Being is being. Being just is. A man coming at you with a machete also is, and then soon after that, you are not.”

–* “Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, not what you hear. Nor who you hear it from. Nor the inherent truth of anything perceived with the senses or the intellect or reason or judgment. And if you call that dissociative disorder or psychosis, well then, there you go.”

–* “You have to believe what you feel. Especially if it tingles and gives you shooting pains because it might be epilepsy or a mild stroke.”

–* “Life is doing, not being. So if you’re listening to this garbage, you’re already doing it all wrong.”

–* “A lot of this shit I’m saying Sartre said a lot better. I don’t know why you’re sitting here with me. You could just be looking him up in the library. He’s under ‘S’ for chrissakes.”

–* “Sometimes, for no good reason, a person should just lash out at somebody, make them cry, and ruin their day. I can’t tell you why, Mitch, but it helps.”

–* “If you love, say, a dog too much, you make it selfish, dependent, needy, spoiled and neurotic. That pretty much describes all love in a nutshell.”

–* “You must devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and helps you develop a rich internal life. I think day-trading is a fantastic way to achieve that goal.”

–* “Let love come in, but also know when to pull out. I mean, there’s a lot of pre-ejaculate in love.”

–* “Every age has its own poetry. Milton is really boring, though.”

–* “As far as men go, it is not what they are that interests me, but what they can become. Especially what they become when their plane has gone down in the Andes and they start eating each other.”

–* “The devil is an invention by those who were kept from something they wanted. The nurse who brings me my medication is not a devil. She’s just a horrible bitch with a face that looks like it was caught in a door.”

–* “Time is a function of consciousness. Watching “Jag” is a good way to kill both.”

–* “Everything has been figured out, except how to live. Pull my finger.”

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(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)

The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down

Law and Order, Big Mac Attack

Convulsing With the Stars

7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!

8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!

10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians

11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them

12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill

13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.

14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….

15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!

16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)

17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove

18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”

19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.

“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place

21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.

22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other

23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire

23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time

24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space

25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space

28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.

29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other

30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery

31 Golf
No, really. Golf

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Chad the Dictator, Part II

(Originally posted Sunday, November 18, 2007)

Chad the Dictator, Part II
Chad and I were doing shots of Wild Turkey and sucking on whippets when he said, “My father is under house arrest back home.”

I hadn’t asked him too many direct questions about his father, the current leader of the reigning junta of Krazikistan, and No. 1 dear leader.

“I’m worried about him,” Chad said, right before half of his last sentence came out in a furious backwash of bile and bourbon. I handed him a napkin with the name of a titty bar we frequented called “Values and Goals.”

“Is your father sick or something?”

“He’s had a stroke once. He needs a special diet. I’m worried that they’re trying to kill him through neglect. All because he’s made the central intelligence bureau unhappy.”

“You’ve got a central intelligence bureau?”

“It’s called KrazIntelPro.”

“Ugly name.”

“It’s in a very Soviet-looking building that’s nine stories tall with no windows.”

“Ugh. That’s where they pull out fingernails and shit?”

“Nah. They do the most sinister thing of all in there. That’s where they keep papers on every individual born.”

“Even you?”

“Somebody in that agency knows when I took my first steps, when I first learned to roll over, and the first time I got drunk … and with who.”

I looked down at my drink.

“You’re lucky if they pull out your fingernails,” he went on. “That means you’re still worth something.”

“Your dad ever pull out fingernails?”

“Hey, I don’t know what he did at work. At home he was just dad. Anyway, they say that he’s a liability now, and there’s a power struggle in the junta to get rid of him.”

“So why don’t they?”

“It’s not so easy. He owns all the cars and all the oil and all the discos.”

“The discos?”

“He really likes Abba.”

“So what do you have to do now?”

Chad didn’t answer. Instead we went to Scores and got a lapdance from a girl from Brazil. She got him off first and then me, and while we were cleaning up, the girl said she needed extra because she was going to college to be a veterinarian.

“Well that’s not my problem you stupid bitch,” said Chad, and then we both started laughing and then we got thrown out on the pavement, and I got a black eye, and Chad got kicked in the face by some woman with platform shoes. As we were walking out of the parking lot, Chad asked me if he could count on me as his wing man.

“You mean count on me to help you pick up women? You don’t need my help. You the man.”

“No, you de man.”

“No you.”

“No you. But anyway, that’s not what I’m asking. I’m wondering if you’d be my wing man if I went back to Krazikstan and tried to rally the forces of my dad’s party faction.”

“Your faction?”

“The Cadre Nukus.”

“Nukus? What language do you all speak there, anyway?”

“It’s a dialect of Russian, Uzbek and Turk and Mongol. Pretty cool, actually. It shares exactly one word with English.”

“What’s that?”



“So would you do it with me?”

“Do what?”

“Come back with me to fight the insurrectionists?”

“Umm… would you call them insurrectionists, really?”

“What do you mean?”

“They sound more like mutineers. Or maybe …”

“Stop fucking around Hunsacker.”

“I don’t know. Fighting for an oligarchy. Not cool. I was hoping to get into Goldman Sachs.”

“You’ll never go anywhere in life, Hunsacker until you know what you’re made of.”

“Yeah, but mercenary fighting in Central Asia for a despotic dynasty?”

“You need a trial by fire.”

“Yeah, but I was thinking more like Outward Bound or something like that. Or maybe starting a fight club.”

“You want a fight club?”

Chad took off his Andover Scrubs school tie and jacket with the bumble bees on them and threw it on the asphalt.

“You want a fight, I’ll kick your ass right now.”

We fought for 15 minutes or so, mainly by banging our fists together at the knuckles until I cried for him to stop. Then he punched one of my molars out and it went flying off into the parking lot in a spray of blood.

“Shit, dude. Look at what I did to you.”

“You didn’t do shit to me. I did shit to your mother. So fuck you in the mouth.”

“Fuck you in your mother’s mouth.”

Then we went home and did what all good brothers in the Knucklers’ fraternity did: Wrote down our beef in the “Log of Bitter Regrets,” a 400,000-page book chronicling all the fights and scuffles and spats between any two of our frat brothers ever since the fraternity was founded by German immigrants in 1856. I wrote down, in my impeccable Victorian Modern Cursive, “Tonight I fed my brother Chad a veritable can of sour whup-ass,” and he wrote, “Tonight my goodly frere Hunsacker drank at the fountain of total pain from my superior fisticuffsmanship and pugilism, as I parsimoniously and efficiently delivered blows against his bodily person until he begged for mercy like a woman suffering the agonies of labor.”

We went upstairs and nursed our wounds. I reminded him that he had not yet performed his fraternal duty, set out in the charter of the Tomb, to fuck a fat girl by year’s end.

“I can fuck as many fat girls as you want. But when will you earn your wings and become a man, Hunsacker? When?”

To read Part I of this story, go here.

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