Archive for January 28th, 2009

(Originally posted Saturday, December 22, 2007)

Oklahomans Celebrate Opening of New Planned Parenthood Clinic

WILLIAMBINE, OKLA. — The sounds of kettle drums and marching bands … the sight of balloons, clowns, tumbling acrobats and acrobatic planes. Such gay festivities heralded the opening of a brand new Planned Parenthood clinic in Williambine, Okla., Wednesday as Oklahomans stepped up and do their part to end runaway birth rates. Wild celebrations marked the event, bands and magicians performed, and politicians came to give praise to the much needed clinic, where the many hundreds, if not thousands, of unwed young Oklahoma mothers will hopefully come and seek the advice of trained professionals about what they can do to stop all the rampant baby-making going on in the Sooner State.

“It’s been hard here in Oklahoma for so long, what with many people’s lack of understanding about family planning,” said Wilhemina Jenks, 26-year-old mother of five from nearby Ada. “We just keep having them and having them and having them and having them and having them. Where’s the leadership? Somebody had to do something. Mom? Dad?”

The ribbon-cutting ceremony at 8 a.m. was immediately followed by fire eaters, jugglers and clowns on stilts as onlookers thrilled at the site of the brand new prefab building colored white with brown trim and the “Planned Parenthood” logo embossed near the door in shining gold intaglio. A member of the military, Sgt. Judd Newsome, came over to give it a polish.

“I’m proud of that logo,” he said, tearfully. “It’s just so bright and shining.”

Members of the local military were on hand to fire a salute from armory cannons, and afterward, the town put on potato sack races while cheerleaders from Williambine High, the “Fighting Remuda,” performed rollicking numbers from ” Gypsy” and, of course, “Oklahoma.” The joyous cries of men and women lauding sound reproductive choices for the first time pealed from stucco and exposed gravel facades far and near.

“I just can’t tell you how much we needed this clinic,” said Tamara Hennessey, a 39-year-old grandmother, who is raising three kids belonging to her daughter, now unseen for the last three years and believed to be in Las Vegas. Hennessey added, “I mean, I believe in God and Jesus and all that. But come on. We don’t have to be psychos about it.”

Mayor Jerry Rippee was on hand for the ribbon cutting, just as he was for the opening of Wal-Mart two days before. “I can tell you,” Rippee joked, “You can buy socks at Wal-Mart. But here at Planned Parenthood, you can get the gloves for free. Hint hint, fellows!”

The crowd laughed heartily at Mayor Rippee’s joke.

“I guess you could say,” added city councilwoman Marjorie Bierhorst, “that good birth planning is a civic duty. It’s where the rubbers meet the road.” Like Mayor Rippee, she was also received with laughter and cheers.

The festivities were continued with a watermelon thump and a pumpkin toss, as well as a strongman contest and a good old-fashioned line dance.

“Oklahomans are an upstanding Christian people,” said Chrissy Timpkins, 22, holding one baby up on her shoulder as another one crawled around nearby on the end of a string. “But hey. Look around. How stupid do you have to be? We need someone to friggin talk about all the G** d***** babies.” She then had to leave to look for her third child, who was lost somewhere in the crowd.

Rev. Clive Oster of the local Baptist Church agreed. “The Bible said that sex should only be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage. But come on. This isn’t medieval times.”

“When Britney Spears’ 16-year-old little sister got pregnant,” said Timpkins, “children wanted to know how it could happen. Well, this is how it happened: she had somebody’s penis stuck in her and he ejaculated! Let’s just say it in English, for cryin’ out loud!”

Sally Shrimpton was the very first customer to enter the doors of the clinic at 9:35 a.m. She turned and waved to the crowd before entering and said, “I thank all of you good Oklahomans for coming out to show your support for safe reproductive choices in Oklahoma. You really are a hearty, robust and rational kind of folk, the kind who make our country great.” She then went inside and terminated her pregnancy, emerging to cheers and congratulations a few hours later.

At the end of the night, the town held a spectacular fireworks display and held a dance. The condoms were free, of course.

“This is sensible health and reproductive planning — Sooner style,” said Bud Heigle, holding up a plate of pork ribs in one hand and a fistful of glow-in-the-dark prophylactics in the other, and adding, “Get ‘er done!”

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(Originally posted Friday, December 21, 2007)

Radio personality Howard Stern struck again with several witty bon mots on his Sirius Satellite radio program Wednesday, mercilessly causing colleagues many a titter with hands cupped over mouths.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold; fortunately, Mr. Imus cannot cook,” said Stern, one of many witticisms delivered with rapid fire pacing and excellent timing to his crew Robin Quivers and Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate.

Stern continued his display of rapier like wit for his delighted and guffawing group, as well as to the millions who listen to his satellite radio broadcasts.

“A beautiful woman is to be much enjoyed … that is, until you meet her,” said Stern at 1 p.m., right before an ad for Davey’s Pizza, “The best pizza in Hoboken.” In response, Ms. Quivers covered her mouth again in her booth and said “Oh Howard! Stop!”

“Yes, you are too much, Mr. Stern,” said Mr. Booey, his finger raised in a mocking “tut tut.”

“Really terrible,” said producer Fred Norris. “You are an unseemly man, Stern.”

Mr. Stern, however, licked his lips, as if he had only delivered the apertif in a series of ironic barbs served for his guests.

“What I like about Stern,” said listener Dave Simmons of Duluth, Minnesota, “Is his ironic sense of the life and the fallibility of the mind and the senses. His mix of the subversive and the compassionate.”

Among Stern’s wry observations:

“The moment a man truly believes in anything, then he is really lost.”

“I believe a ‘y’ should always come at the end of ‘chastity,’ and a ‘why not’ at the end of ‘debauchery.'”

“Everybody loves a genius after they’ve killed him.”

“The only true art is the one made up of complete fabrications.”

“A man with a wife and a girlfriend has one wife too many.”

“Oh stop! Howard,” said on-air guest William Shatner. “You’re bad, Stern. So bad.”

The rejoinders began to fly fast and thick, with such repartee as would have made those at the Algonquin Round Table blush with envy.

“People whom you love always seem better than they actually are, while people who love you seem absolutely ridiculous,” said Stern.

“Are you really so down on love?” asked Ms. Quivers.

“Darling,” retorted Stern, “Love is what is professed to a whore when her price is too high or to any other woman whose price has not yet been established.”

“Fie on you Stern and your quick wit!” said Norris. Thus closed the show for another day.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, December 19, 2007)

A list of dirty-sounding character names one might find in a Larry McMurtry or E. Annie Proulx novel.

–*Joyce Fist

–*Hawthorne Crack

–*Blithely Huttocks

–*Ennis Brightly

–*Soopy Grotto

–*Pierce Labum

–*Peter Browneye

–*Toomer Ince

–*Stamen Weep

–*Jorelee Titmouse

–*Basil Cruck

–*Mylee Rottercooch

–*Danilli Gape

–*Amarylis Nees

–*Eulailie Butterswallop


–*Meer Muffgrazer

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(Originally posted Tuesday, December 18, 2007)

–*The Iraq War


–*Where’d that baby come from?

–*Aunt Rhody’s drinking problem

–*Uncle Cyrus’ smack habit

–*The visitor from the State School at the end of the table. Who in the hell is he?

–*What did you do with the money, Dad?

–*Again, we won’t discuss grandma’s long ago affair with famed literary critic Edmund “Bunny” Wilson after WWII.

–*Or Great Uncle Saul’s shameful encounter with Montgomery Clift, who wasn’t looking too good at the time

–*How you forgot to buy me a present last year.

–*How you remembered to buy one, but it was “Tuesdays With Morrie” and it was the second god damned year in a row.

–*The polyps in Aunt Sally’s wackadoo. Though you know she’s going to talk about it anyway.

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(Originally posted Monday, December 17, 2007)

Germany has recently ruled that Scientology is an unconstitutional organization. What other alternative religions and creeds are they banning?

–*Wiccans for Jesus

–*Free love cathars

–*Shell-fish eating anabaptists

–*The Realigned Schismatic Rosicrucians of Thuringia (Minister Bob’s Sect)

–*Christmas-Easter Atheists

–*Flesh-eating Bogomils

–*The Pro Man-Boy Love Chapter of the Knights Templar

–*The Church of Sally Kirkland

–*The Society for Creative Anachronism Suicide Squad

–*Zoroastrians for the Madonna (all of them)

–*Sufis Who Lunch

–*Mormons For Beer

–*Any Syncretic Mix of Roman Catholicism and Apache

–*Boston Celtic Fans For the Restoration of the Tridentine Mass

–*Jews For A Third Temple

–*Muslims Ready To Tear Down The Third Temple

–*Monophysites For Bo Derek

–*Coptics For The “Jesus Was A Ball of Gas” Theory

–*The Church of Christ “Pro-Dancing and Miniskirts Sect” of Osh Kosh, Wisconsin.

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(Originally posted Sunday, December 16, 2007)

A list of mild and unimportant afflictions we are currently medicating.

–*Restless tongue syndrome

–*Tired ligament syndrome

–*Dormant hangnail disorder

–*Over-attentiveness disorder

–*Angry bursae

–*Porn elbow

–*Idiopathic pissiness disorder

–*Delusional halitosis

–*Postnasal anger

–*Tears that smell like butane

–*Purulent belly-button

–*Ropy eye gowl

–*Congenital pink eye

–*Chronic irritated chilblain

–*Weeping Tourette syndrome

–*Post pyogenic boil lancing stress anxiety

–*Walking scurvy

–*Nantucket summer home toenail necrosis

–*Spotted dick syndrome

–*Easter Island swollen head

–*The Lesser Antilles Rash

–*Christmas mince pie foot abscesses

–*Social anxiety hat-wearing disorder


–*Adirondack pee-shyness

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(Originally posted Saturday, December 15, 2007)

Everyone on “Lost” has gills

Everyone in Chattanooga has a prehensile tail

Suspended during the writer’s strike, “30 Rock” is pre-empted by a writerless show where people do nothing but grunt and shove, groom and eat lice off each other

5 Fox
America’s Got Rickets

17 History Channel
The History of Nudity

18 A&E
Gene Simmons ends all fights by wagging his enormous tongue lubriciously at his family

20 Democracy Now
Remembering The Free Love Sensibilities of the Totally Unfuckable Anarchist Emma Goldman

21 Discover Health
The Vagina Speaks

22 Oxygen
Your Daughter Just Got Her First Period. Now Slap Her.

23 Discover
Let’s get a tooth pulled in the border town of Reynosa

24 CNN
Repeated loops of lone gunman on a videotape keeps your mind off the sorry state of health care

25 Headline News
Nancy Grace, in the delivery room with twins, screamingly indicts man who did this to her

26 Bloomberg News
It’s nothing but crawls and numbers and blinking lights and a little man talking in the corner, an experience that could be likened only to schizophrenia

27 Logo
Right Girl, Wrong Sex Parts

28 BBC America
Cheek, Dignity, Cheek, Dignity

29 Sundance
Depressing Ken Loach marathon followed by depressing global warming marathon

30 IFC
Kevin Smith: How to overcome incompetence with insufferable cleverness

31 VH-1
You might want to boil this show after you watch it

32 MTV
“The Real World” is off the air after being clumped together and rolled away on the hind feet of shit beetles

33 Food Network
Making the Japanese fat enough to fit into our clothes

34 Univision
I think the man with the beard is the bad guy

35 Fuse
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black

36 VH-1 Classic
The Voluptuous Horror of the Starland Vocal Band

37 C-SPAN Books
The Voluptuous Horror of Christopher Hitchens

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(Originally posted Friday, December 14, 2007)

–*The Three Gorges Dam Project Will Displace A Million People. Am I One Of Them?

–*Mercury Is Said To Be Harmful To Pregnant Women. How Will This Affect Me If I’m Pregnant and Already Smoking and Drinking?

–*I’m Worried That The Federal Government Knows Everything About the Abortion, the Huff Addiction and the Dog Fucking That I Confided To My MySpace Page

–*The Florida Everglades Was Partially Drained by the Import of an Invidious Thirsty Tree Called the Melaleuca by the U.S. Army at the Turn of the Century. Will the U.S. Army Drain Me of My Fluids?

–*If I Am A Lesbian, Will I Be Killed By My Neighbor’s Well-Trained Canary Island Fighting Dog?

–*Who Took Away All The Mexicans? Am I Next?

–*Why Is My Money Not Doing What It Used To Do? Is It Something I Did?

–*Why Is The Price of My Gas So High? It’s Just a Non-Renewable Resource Of Plant and Animal Tissue, That’s All.

–*Who Is Going To Take Care of Me When I’m Old Unless We Bring Back Arranged Marriages and I Find Large Dowries For My Children?

–*Should I Worry That There Are Contaminants In My Drinking Water Or Rest Easy That Soon There Won’t Be Any More Drinking Water?

–*When My Children Get Big Enough, Will They Try To Kill Me?

–*Shouldn’t I buy a gun to increase my chances of survival in these crazy times, forgetting the fact that I’m far more likely to die from smoking, poor diet and lack of exercise, alcohol consumption, or driving 80 miles per hour in one of those death traps known as an automobile?

–*If I’m Not Sure Who My Enemies Are, Aren’t I Better Off Counting in Potentially Everybody?

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(Originally posted December 14, 2007)

Cleveland (AP) — In a stunning announcement today, Bud McDowell, education director of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, said new investigations into rock music have revealed that famous musicians have used performance enhancing drugs in the creation of thousands of beloved songs and that such abuse has gone on throughout the last 50 years while rock’s promoters, managers, producers and commercial sponsors did little to check its pernicious influence.

“This represents a cataclysmic, collective failure of those in the music business to clean up the music and keep it the harmless entertainment we all enjoy,” he said of the rock music inquiries, which are similar to those in Major League Baseball. “I can honestly say that this report casts a pall on the music and makes all of the feelings and sensations it causes suspect.”

Among those named in the report are such luminaries as the Beatles, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, The Doors, James Taylor, and the Mamas and the Papas, among many, many others.

Armed with 200,000 pages of evidence — including government documents, warrants, canceled checks, telephone records, photographs, 8mm film and video recordings, e-mails, signed confessions by the stars themselves, willing confessions by the stars themselves, explicit boasts to the media by the stars themselves, biographies and numerous autopsy reports naming drugs as the cause of multiple rock star deaths — McDowell has built up an almost irrefutable case.

“I just don’t know what to say,” said Des Moines housewife Molly Gooch. “‘Strawberry Fields’ is one of my favorite songs, but to think that it was made under the influence of anything other than good-old-fashioned human inspiration, well I don’t know how I could ever really enjoy it again.”

Among the drugs suspected in the Hall of Fame report to have been used in the creation of some of America’s most loved songs are hash, cannabis, peyote, psilocybin, amanita muscaria fly agaric, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), morphine, fentanyl, tweak, meth, nose candy, bennies, tuinals, dexies, white crosses, red devils, Doriden, smack, Paris 400s, ludes, snow, crack, crank, downers, dolls …

Black beauties, dummy dust, Hillbilly Heroin oxycodone, MDMA, Rohypnol, goofballs, GHB, Easy Lay, Special K, Vesperax, valium, Surgical Nubain, wack, tears of the poppy, rainbows, yellows, X, speed and sticky icky.

As a result of the findings, rock’s gatekeepers and regulators have cautioned that it may be necessary to re-examine and perhaps dismiss many of the ideas and experiences fomented by the drug-polluted music.

“Now that we know such classics as “Visions of Johanna” and “Good Vibrations” were written under that same scourge that waylaid the Lotus-eaters,” said McDowell, “it is sad, but inevitable, that we can no longer be entertained by them, conceived as they were in a surreal idiom that rational man finds repugnant and anathema to his higher functions of mind and being.”

“I once cheered as Barry Bonds hit a record number of career homers and as Jimi played the guitar strings with his teeth on ‘Little Wing,'” said McDowell. “But come on. Showing rare human athletic ability and raising consciousness to a new level of spiritual and cosmic awareness is no good if you cheated.”

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(Originally posted Thursday, December 13, 2007)

A Slew of Posthumous Works of Fiction and Non-fiction Hitting Bookstores Near You

“Yiddelstein the Royal,” by Saul Bellow

“Against Language,” by Susan Sontag

“Something My Sister Finished For Me Because I Was Drunk And Suicidal,” by John O’Brien

“You Don’t Have The Guts To Fuck My Gnomic Corpse,” by Norman Mailer

“If God Were Alive Today He’d Have You All For Breakfast,” by Kurt Vonnegut

“Just Procreate With Whomever’s Attractive, That’s How the Flies Do It,” By Stephen Jay Gould

“If It Feels Good, It’s Rape,” by Andrea Dworkin

“The Homoeroticism of Lewis and Clark,” by Leslie Fiedler

“The Fountain of Death,” by Betty Friedan

“American Brains Braised With Moist Heat,” by Hunter S. Thompson

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