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Archive for January 31st, 2009

Retributioneering

(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

Yes folks, it is almost that time again. Stephanie and I had planned on rolling out a new “Retributioners” once a month, and until recently, we had been on schedule–even given a two-week Christmas holiday in Oklahoma and Tex-ass. But then disaster struck at home, and we had to put off the editing of episode 2 for another week.

But now it is almost done. We are hoping to get it up tonight or tomorrow latest. Most of the work required now is just credits and music and spit and polish. Stay tuned for “Episode 2: Juanita Crackwhore.” And then it’s on to Episode 3. We hope not to make you wait as long for that one as you did for Season 6 of “The Sopranos.” Did that take a decade to finish or what?

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

Yahoo! News is putting a preponderant amount of animal stories into its daily news mix. Could it be that there are really this many cute, fluffy pet stories that are really pertinent to us, during this, a time of war, economic crisis, political upheaval, and the threat of environmental catastrophe? Or maybe it’s something more universal at work. I think it was ancient Chinese philosopher Lao tzu who first said, “You know, people love pet stories.”

What are some of the big animal stories pushing murder and malfeasance off the front pages?

–*A group of three Doberman pinschers have learned to ride segways around the yard in Seattle.

–*A golden retriever named Dolph might have found WMDs in Iraq.

–*The United States has already invaded Iran using an all-dolphin force.

–*A gorilla at the San Diego Zoo has learned to say “fuck this fucking shit” in sign language.

–*A man who fed his dog McDonald’s food every day for a year now has a really fat dog.

–*Minnesotans say they have found a cat who knows instinctively when human beings are about to excuse themselves to go to the bathroom, fake their orgasms, or die.

–*A boy who didn’t like all the media attention his two-headed dog was getting killed it, “Of Mice and Men”-style.

–*We put a frog on a toy motorcycle and took a picture of it. Yes, that’s the news.

–*Here is a really cute picture of a small variety of lemur called an “aye aye.” And next up is video footage of a Madagascar woman trying to kill it with a hoe.

–*The city of Rome is infested with wild cats. Here are pictures of all the wild, wild cats.

–*Here’s a picture of a baby polar bear. We say “baby” polar bear because it’s cuter than calling it a cub. Doesn’t matter. They’re all going to die.

–*This is a picture of a bulldog with a Wisconsin cheese-head hat on it. Don’t worry. The dog doesn’t have any idea what “dignity” means.

–*Your Chihuahua would eat half your foot if it had a chance and look damn cute doing so. A Yahoo! investigation.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

What would people say if they were to actually articulate the ways they usually behaved?

–*I don’t like my job as a lawyer working 80 hours a week, but I keep doing it because it affords me a sense of prestige and allows me all kinds of social posturing that I cannot live without.

–*There are many seats in this coffee house, but I want yours because I always sit there and it gives me a sense of consistency and familiarity that behooves my particular chemical imbalance.

–*People who do the right thing are usually obnoxious, which is why I like to punch them in the face.

–*Fairly often, I like to get rid of all my clothes, mainly because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself.

–*Fairly often, I like to get rid of all my friends, mainly because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself. Then I like to marry a European.

–*I need a really strong mook of a guy who has no feminine qualities so that I feel more like a girl. Because for much of my life, I haven’t.

–*Boney, sickly skinny women aren’t really that attractive, but I will take you because it still reflects well on me.

–*I like to repeat to anybody who will listen that I am an artist because it helps put salve on a sorely lacking sense of identity.

–*I want to convert and marry into a Hasidic Jewish community and wear a wig and not touch anybody when I menstruate because it will help salve a sorely lacking sense of identity.

–*I want to be president because I’d be so powerful I’d get to fuck a lot of chicks.

–*I like to sleep with third-tier celebrities because of my overarching sense of worthlessness.

–*I like to say I’m related to Herve Villechaize because I can’t stand it when nobody pays attention to me.

–*I like to make a list of enemies whenever I start a new job. That way my paranoia has faces and names I can assign to it.

–*I like to pace around the house because I am deathly afraid I will accomplish something awful if I sit down.

–*I like to show the spots on my big wings to attract a mate because I am a monarch butterfly.

–*I like to show my cleavage to stockbrokers because I am a skank from Staten Island.

–*I like to play air guitar because I am frightened that I would actually have to practice a real one.

–*I like to play a real guitar, because it’s a real turn-on to a girl, at least until you marry her.

–*I like to fight for the last seat on the bus with old women, even if I don’t really need it, just because I am hard-wired to be competitive and assert my dominance, and I am hoping that all the potential mates around me will then pick up on my manly scent.

–*I’m pretty, so I don’t have to say anything.

–*I’m not pretty, and sometimes it feels like I’ve got to talk forever and ever and ever.

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Backhanded Compliments Given By The Presidential Candidates To Their Opponents

Barack Obama: “Speaks well and is clean and well groomed and eats with a fork.”

Hillary Clinton: “She certainly does swing a big dick.”

John Edwards: “Cares a lot about the people in the ambulances he is chasing.”

Mike Huckabee: “He’s a very good, caring, altruistic, moral Christian woman.”

Bill Richardson: “He’s undoubtedly Hispanic.”

John McCain: “He’s probably the most moderate, level-headed guy you could expect him to be for someone who was tortured in the Hanoi Hilton for several years.”

Rudy Guiliani: “He was undoubtedly the mayor of New York City on Sept. 11.”

Mitt Romney: “He is probably the hardest working, most sensible and best looking member of the Mormon Cult we have ever seen.”

Ron Paul: “His message of wanting to dismantle the government is certainly appealing to a lot of wildly passionate, iconoclastic, luddite secessionists.”

Dennis Kucinich: “It’s certainly inspiring that a poor, short socialist from Ohio can marry a tall, hot British redhead with a tongue stud.”

Fred Thompson: “A slow, shambling, macho, country lawyer type, he is one of the best character actors we have. And he plays fictional roles, too.”

Alan Keyes: “He serves a very important role in the Republican Party that I don’t think, for the sake of politeness, any one of us has to say out loud.”

Mike Gravel: “He has certainly managed to keep his name on the list of candidates.”

Duncan Hunter: “He is probably the luckiest candidate, because absolutely nobody knows who he is.”

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30-Minute Movies

(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Movies That Are Really Good To Watch For Maybe 30 Minutes On Cable, At Least Until You Realize That There Are Better Things To Do With Your Time

–*The Science of Sleep

–*Ransom

–*Almost all Nicolas Cage movies since 1996

–*Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

–*Anaconda

–*Go

–*The Money Pit

–*Made In America

–*Conspiracy Theory

–*Runaway Bride

–*The Black Dahlia

–*Actually, almost anything with Scarlett Johansson except “Ghost World,” “Match Point,” “Lost In Translation,” and the Sponge Bob movie. While this would seem like a good record, it should also be noted that the woman won’t stop making bucket-loads of friggin’ movies.

–*Magnolia. (There, I said it. Bite me.)

And of course, movies only good for 10 minutes on cable are:

–*The Naked Co-Ed
–*Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade
–*Ghost in a Teeny Bikini
–*Busty Cops
–*Kinky Kong
–*Naked Surrender
–*Naked and Betrayed
–*Any episode of HBO’s “Tell Me You Love Me”

I think this could be a new thread. What movies do YOU think are only good for 30 minutes? In other words, what script was so good on the first 30 pages that nobody at the studios bothered to read the insipid 60 pages that followed?

Another topic: which films are two-thirds of a good movie? These might include “Titanic,” “Boogie Nights,” or the “The Magnificient Ambersons.”

Thoughts?

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(Originally posted Saturday, January 12, 2008 )

OK, so I didn’t write a blog post yesterday. Here are Top 10 possible reasons:

10. No one has ever expected me to write every day, and I, like everyone else who calls their blog a daily, is being kind of presumptuous in that regard

9. I’m busy looking for apartments, as I might be facing eviction

8. Was listening to The Flaming Lips

7. Was spending the day giving the cat her medicine so that she’ll stop wheezing like she’s going to die

6. Was copy editing a story for a financial planning magazine, and all of the precious time it takes to manicure sentences was more important than talking to YOU

5. Was shooting capo Bobby “Bacala” Baccalieri dead in a toy train store

4. Was worried — terrified in my soul — that I was not going to write the absolute best “Beauty is Imperfection” blog yesterday, and I could not stomach the idea that you good people were getting something less than stellar.

3. That eviction thing was true, so it bears repeating. So there, it’s 3 and 9. Sue me.

2. I was having a flashback to a Vietnam movie

1. I was editing “The Retributioners” Episode 2. Which practically dozens of people are waiting for.

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Top 10

(Originally posted Thursday, January 10, 2008 )

Top 10 Scummy Practices of Slumlords To Force Evictions

10. Playing “She Ran Callin’ Wildfire” Through a Boom Box Outside Your Window

9. Failing to clean up the remains of the dead old woman in 3B

8. Serving a summons for official panty inspection

7. Failing to turn up the heat during winter but letting the smells of urine cook during the summer in the vestibule

6. Grandfathering in his gap-toothed nephew Stimpy to take your apartment as a family-member waiver

5. Upping your rent for every capital improvement you made, including putting a new ball in the toilet and fixing the condenser on the refrigerator so it doesn’t sweat

4. Invoking what the market wants for every decision, including whether to keep somebody on life support in their own home

3. Dusting off their shoes on your welcome mat. And they didn’t even ask.

2. The cat? What’d they do with the cat?

1. Obviously if you were dating a black guy, you should be kicked out. Everybody knows that.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 09, 2008 )

Musings on the New Hampshire Primary Results in Japanese Haiku

Hillary’s soft tears;
This is not a game, she weeps;
Waxes Barack’s ass

Rudy waits to win
larger primaries; says, “Bite
me, conservatives”

LBJ said that
crying at the right time is
just smart. He meant men

Mike Huckabee still
Rallies conservatives; the
kind with outhouses

Barack would win the
Youth vote if America’s
Youth voted; fat chance

Hillary squirts a
few, still wins primary; so
fuck you Ed Muskie

Independents like
Barack; Hill says he’s green; so
was Bill at first, shrew!

Newsmax says Hill is
finished; they’ve been saying that
for sixteen damn years

Steinem said sexist
Americans would shun Hill;
Real dumb, Gloria

Hecklers asked Hill to
Iron their shirts; so dumb it
seems planned by her

McCain was tortured
in Vietnam; he’ll invade
Almost anyone

Moderates like John
McCain; I do too; except
for his thoughts and plans

John Edwards fights on
To win South Carolina
“Need more white males here”

Fred Thompson’s lazy;
his wife wants this more than he;
She’s really hot though

Everyone wants to
enter game late like Thompson;
Too clever by half

Only assholes come
In the game late; assholes with
names like Ross Perot

Everyone wants to
Be the vote of change; but we’ll
Never leave Iraq

Why would all of these
Nice people want to have Bush’s
Dumb war shat on them?

Hillary voted
For the war; we all forgot
Go, Hillary, Go

Got any? Do the right thing and post them.

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Emoticons That We Need More Of

(Originally posted Tuesday, January 08, 2008 )

Emoticons have come a long way on MySpace, but do you often feel like you just can’t find the perfect one that really expresses your mood? Here’s a list of new ones I think MySpace ought to add.

Gassy

White, but using black slang in my blog posts

Too lazy to screw

Republican, but smoking pot,

Genocidal

Nostalgic for a time that wasn’t actually that good

Smarter than everybody else on the bus

Alone in my self-righteousness, also probably on the bus

Schadenfreude

Feeling more like an adult now that I’m a teen mom

Uneasy about that mercy killing

Blunt affect, a DSM IV manual term for one who is pathologically detached from his emotions

In the mood for hate sex

Treasonous

Oedipal

Like I forgot to take my birth control pill

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 08, 2008 )

The U.S. Navy recently reported that it had narrowly avoided a military skirmish with five Iranian speedboats in the Strait of Hormuz after the boats approached U.S. warships, then suddenly left the scene as an American destroyer was about to open fire. Senior navy officers describe the Iranian maneuvers as unnecessarily provocative. What are some of the things America is doing to provoke the Iranians to war-like behavior?

–*Speaking Farsi badly on purpose.

–*Throwing garbage over onto the Iranian side of the Iraq border

–*Denying them nuclear energy capability and a revolving credit account at Chase Manhattan

–*Our suggestion that we replace their nuclear energy program with a coal, steam and donkey system that’s more appropriate to their backward way of life.

–*Using the pejorative Arab word for Persians, “ajam,” which is a way of slighting one who mumbles. Also, shooting down airplanes full of Iranian civilians.

–*Attacking Iranian films such as “The Circle” and “The White Balloon” for being too formless and abstract.

–*Including Iran as part of an imagined “axis of evil” which makes no historical or rhetorical sense whatsoever, as well as hinting that Iran is gay.

–*Offering only $20 for a stereo that’s clearly a bargain at $25

–*Giving all the jobs at 7-11 to white teenagers

–*Adopting a policy of regime change until all of the country’s oil resources are back in the hands of rich white people.

–*Fondly boasting of our CIA-backed overthrow of their legitimately elected prime minister Dr. Mohammad Mossadegh in 1953 at diplomatic parties and U.N. meetings and on late night television.

–*Oh, and something else that might be influencing hostile Iranian behavior toward Americans is THE FORMATION OF A GIANT U.S. MILITARY APPARATUS THAT COMPLETELY SURROUNDS THEIR FUCKING COUNTRY LIKE A DRAGNET OF TERROR.

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