Archive for January 23rd, 2009

Ataturk’s Revenge

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Ataturk’s Revenge

Not content to start World War IV, George Bush has restarted World War I. You can read about it here. Or type the link:


Note the Turkish general’s conviction: “An operation into Iraq is necessary.”

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Vonnegut … and so it goes…

One of my literary heroes, Kurt Vonnegut, has died at age 84. I never met the man, though I did hear him speak on two occasions, five years apart, when he gave the same lecture. Just once, though, after I moved to New York City, I saw him in the street near the Turtle Bay area of Midtown Manhattan where I worked, and because I never knew what I would do if I saw one of my heroes, I stood dead still and stared at him crossing Second Avenue. And our eyes met. He looked at me, and I looked at him. He knew I recognized him. And then the man who survived the firebombing of Dresden, who was a prisoner of war in Nazi Germany, who wrote many novels on the moral implications of science, who invented the Tralfamadorians, and Kilgore Trout, and Billy Pilgrim, and Bokononism, and Foma, and Wampeters, who was the honorary president of the American Humanist Association, the man who used science fantasy to address the horrors of science reality … this great man looked back at me with total fear in his eyes that I was a stalker, turned at a sharp cut, and walked in the other direction, out of my life forever.

Here are the Top Ten reasons you should read a Kurt Vonnegut book immediately:

10. When the Tralfamadorians in “Slaughterhouse-Five” kidnap Billy Pilgrim and porn star Montana Wildhack and force them to mate as part of a science experiment on Tralfamador.

9. When the killer substance Ice 9 ravages the world and brings on the apocalypse in “Cat’s Cradle.”

8. When anarchy breaks out in “Player Piano” and the machinists are suddenly the only people who can lead in this completely automated society.

7. When Vonnegut appears as himself in “Breakfast of Champions” and gets attacked by a dog and his testicles get sucked up into his own body cavity.

6. When he is confronted by his fictional creation of Kilgore Trout in “Breakfast of Champions,” who begs Vonnegut, as the Creator, to make him young again.

5. When Bokonon, an ex-U.S. serviceman, creates his own religion on a Caribbean Island, known as Bokononism in “Cat’s Cradle.”

4. When Vonnegut stops the action in “Slaughterhouse-Five” to make the audience aware that his protagonist has an enormous member. “You never know who’ll get one,” he writes.

3. When Vonnegut stops the action in “Breakfast of Champions” to make little pen doodles of everything from his sunglasses, to his anus, to hamburgers to an American flag to show things that represent life in America.

2. For his female protagonist in “Cat’s Cradle,” who says it is selfish to share love with just one person.

1. For offering this prayer for the dying … “And So It Goes.”

(Originally posted April 12, 2007)

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Hey all,

I’ve had a little downtime with other projects, so I spent January and February recording some music. You can find some of it here, if you like:


(Originally posted April 5, 2007)

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By Eric Rasmussen


A high buzzard

touches the mind

In a yard

of bleached bones,

Bare, calloused feet

heel the knocks

of sand,


Under cloud

dark beet,


water to sustain

Not even tongue

of root. Nor rain

to lick the rocks


In the turtle-lidded


Of shells, once eyes:

A beggar collects

pennies for the temple

Pennies are pain’s gold.


Then from under the cock’s crow,

And hook-winged Molloch,

A star strumpet’s snow angel sallies

Across the desert floor


With His word


To clean the mind

Of its preoccupations

Cleanse rude

light off the Eastern rain


Through the


Cool winding rose



All in the mind


August is reconfigured,

To expire

in good time

(Originally posted March 28, 2007)

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Survivor Cooking

The Bachelor 8: Escape From The Bachelor

5 Fox
Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire 
And Then Immolate Herself When He Dies?

21 Cinemax Two 
Sexy Cop Lady 

33 Cartoon Network
Detective Flatus

79 CUNY Albany Public Access
The "Hell Is Other People" French Cooking Show 
("L'enfer, c'est les autres ... dans ma cuisine!")

101 Sundance Channel 
The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Riefenstahl 

23 E! Entertainment Television 
The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Dana Plato 

218 Cinemax One 
Obsessive Compulsions, starring Shannon Tweed 

200 HBO1 
Real Sex 25: Strippers, Hippies, Orgies 

201 HBO2 
Jerry Maguire 

202 HBO Espanol
Real Sex 25: Chicas Hippies Desnudas 

210 Showtime 
Hot Tudor Action

107 Hallmark 
Sarah, Hatchet-Faced And Sullen

108 The Movie Channel
A Love Song for Bobby Long

42 C-SPAN 
A Warrant For Henry Kissinger 

35 Public Access 
Robin Byrd's Quadriplegic Nude Talk Show 

10 Fox News
All The Heroes We Could Dig Up

37 Lifetime
Cagney & Lacey

38 Headline News 
Scott & Laci (A Nancy Grace Dead Horse)

215 Cinemax Three 
Fatal Tumescence 

18 History 
From Indians to Huns, Classic Prophylactics

19 Discovery 
Triumphs of Boeing

22 Spike TV
Crash It, Burn It, Kill It! 

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A psychological horror tale from a friend of mine, Dana Wickens, starring yours truly in my very short, abortive acting career.

Enjoy it here.

Dana’s also the drummer for a Boston rock outfit called The Yestones, and you can hear a really cool song they did called “London” here.

(Originally posted March 27, 2007)

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For Us, It Is Always 9-10

We bowled open the heavy black door

And light bloated our faces

From the cellar, as freaks

Flooded in and out;

Destination: Taxi stand

Robust in your plastic wrap

And platform shoes

The boilers sobbing under your feet.

Every brouhaha was new then,

Every fight was golden,

That ghost-fishing night

I gave you away with your

Ludicrous plume to your anger

The diadem and feather fan

And the gold espadrilles

A complement of Meat Packing District Trannies

It was a beautiful drama in a prelapsarian blue light

Of dawn, always our address

The room where we poked each other in the hurt

To see where the hurt was

We still live there, some of us; because for us it is always 9-10

Two long stemmed lovers

With all these tomorrows frozen before us

A day still stiff in my knuckles with my lapels

A kiss waiting on a rouged mouth,

Still hanging to die

–Eric Rasmussen

(originally published March 19, 2007)

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(Originally posted March 17, 2007)

I was quite impressed when I heard the latest dismissal used on the Pussycat Dolls reality show: “Hang up your boa.” This striking quotable, as well as the phrase “You’re NOT the one that we want,” from the Grease reality TV show, made me wonder what other reality TV catch-phrases might await us in 2007 for real Americans in real-life situations:

“Get out of the stirrups. You will not be America’s next surrogate mom.”

“Drum him out. He is no longer a U.S. Marine.”

“You are defrocked.”

“Hand over the keys to the combine.”

“You must leave the safe house.”

“You are stripped of your command.”

“Back to the general prison population with you.”

“Strike the set: You will not be the next great American playwright.”

“Get out. She doesn’t want to be married to you anymore.” (Donald Trump’s involvement in this would make it that much better.)

“We can’t send you home from Iraq just now.”

“You have been voted out of the halfway house.”

“You will not be getting the morphine.”

“You are not the state.”

“Hand over the diaphragm.”

“We’re repossessing your car.” (Another Trump classic, I hope)

“You are not the baby daddy.”

“Back away from the laproscope.”

“Leave your cleaver on the block.”

“Farewell, my concubine.”

“Drop your pelts.”

“Walk the plank.”

“You are impeached.”

“You must forfeit parental rights.”

“You have been downgraded to sub-prime.”

“It is not safe.”

“You will not be cured.”

“We’re foreclosing.”

“Prince von Anhalt no longer desires your company.”

“You have been forsaken.”

“I have in my pocket only three prophylactics … which means one of you girls must go upstairs, back your bags, and leave the whorehouse.”

Got more, bitches? Post ’em.

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Donald Trump’s New Show: You Will Choke On Our Fabulous Cash And Prizes (Reality)

Louis Farrakhan: An Invitation To Dance (More Reality)

7 Fox
American Idol

218 Cinemax One
Technically Venial Sins

209 Nickelodeon
My Mom Lives With A Lady Cop

211 Public Access
Graphics and Static

47 Fox News
Hate Week Continues

49 HBO
Cat House Avec Douche: The Girls Go To France

106 Discovery Health
Informercial: Herbal Penis Enlargement With Your Host Dionne Warwick

110 The Food Network

120 C-SPAN Bookview
Katherine Harrison on “The Fathers I’ve Had”

127 Independent Film Channel
Bully For Kids: Larry Clarke’s Delinquent Fetish

10 USA
“Bob Packwood: The Right Amount of Bounce,” a movie event starring Liam Neeson

133 Oxygen
Let’s Talk Orgasms To Death

137 Lifetime
Seventy-two Hour “Desperate Housewives” Marathon

138 Spike TV
It Isn’t Dead Yet! (Reality)

140 Sundance Channel
Franny & Milo Go On A Walkabout

141 MTV
Beavis and Butthead Go On A Walkabout

150 History Channel
Historically Accurate Dramatizations of William The Conqueror Exploding in a Fiery Ball of Pus

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2 Fox
Winners Torture Losers (A New Reality TV Event)

The Grease Competition: You Look Greasy To Me

Vivisecting The O’Banions: An Irish Mafia Story

7 Fox
American Idol Adopts African Baby

13 PBS
Self-Replicating Nanotechnology Blob of Gray Goo Obliterates Michael Crichton And All His Books

18 Prayer Network
After Successfully Designing Man, God Admits He Cannot Beat the Japanese Miracle Workers At Toyota Motor Co.

17 History Network
The History of Sauce

18 MTV
Punk’d: The Urology Special

20 MTV 2
90% Of Screen Is Digitally Scrambled Naked Chicks

22 E! Entertainment
Dana Plato: Memento Mori

24 Cartoon Network
The Mucousers

27 Canadian Broadcasting Services

29 Country Music Television
Et tu, Toby? Et tu?

30 CNN
Larry King: Waiting For Letourneau

31 Comedy Central
Everybody Loves Sarah Silverman’s Fart Jokes

Keith Olbermann Brings Dignity And Gravitas To A Story About The Hit Show “Wife Swap”

34 Cinemax
Engorged And Betrayed

35 Showtime
The Dukes of Hazzard

34 TLC
A Drunk, Abusive TLC Decides You’re Too Stupid To Learn

35 Discovery Kids
Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego Hiding That Missing Plutonium?

38 Fox News
Hannity & Colms Special on Ann Coulter: Is It Okay For A Well-Known Fag Hag To Use The Word “Faggot”?

39 BET Black Entertainment Network
Jesse Jackson Calls For Moratorium On All Racist Jokes Unless They’re Really Funny

40 HBO
Hookers At The Point Go To Disney World

41 Sundance Channel
My Sad, Sad Hungarian Tale

42 Playboy Channel
A Reasoned Argument For Impeachment

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