Archive for January 28th, 2009

(Originally posted Friday, December 14, 2007)

–*The Three Gorges Dam Project Will Displace A Million People. Am I One Of Them?

–*Mercury Is Said To Be Harmful To Pregnant Women. How Will This Affect Me If I’m Pregnant and Already Smoking and Drinking?

–*I’m Worried That The Federal Government Knows Everything About the Abortion, the Huff Addiction and the Dog Fucking That I Confided To My MySpace Page

–*The Florida Everglades Was Partially Drained by the Import of an Invidious Thirsty Tree Called the Melaleuca by the U.S. Army at the Turn of the Century. Will the U.S. Army Drain Me of My Fluids?

–*If I Am A Lesbian, Will I Be Killed By My Neighbor’s Well-Trained Canary Island Fighting Dog?

–*Who Took Away All The Mexicans? Am I Next?

–*Why Is My Money Not Doing What It Used To Do? Is It Something I Did?

–*Why Is The Price of My Gas So High? It’s Just a Non-Renewable Resource Of Plant and Animal Tissue, That’s All.

–*Who Is Going To Take Care of Me When I’m Old Unless We Bring Back Arranged Marriages and I Find Large Dowries For My Children?

–*Should I Worry That There Are Contaminants In My Drinking Water Or Rest Easy That Soon There Won’t Be Any More Drinking Water?

–*When My Children Get Big Enough, Will They Try To Kill Me?

–*Shouldn’t I buy a gun to increase my chances of survival in these crazy times, forgetting the fact that I’m far more likely to die from smoking, poor diet and lack of exercise, alcohol consumption, or driving 80 miles per hour in one of those death traps known as an automobile?

–*If I’m Not Sure Who My Enemies Are, Aren’t I Better Off Counting in Potentially Everybody?

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(Originally posted December 14, 2007)

Cleveland (AP) — In a stunning announcement today, Bud McDowell, education director of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, said new investigations into rock music have revealed that famous musicians have used performance enhancing drugs in the creation of thousands of beloved songs and that such abuse has gone on throughout the last 50 years while rock’s promoters, managers, producers and commercial sponsors did little to check its pernicious influence.

“This represents a cataclysmic, collective failure of those in the music business to clean up the music and keep it the harmless entertainment we all enjoy,” he said of the rock music inquiries, which are similar to those in Major League Baseball. “I can honestly say that this report casts a pall on the music and makes all of the feelings and sensations it causes suspect.”

Among those named in the report are such luminaries as the Beatles, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, The Doors, James Taylor, and the Mamas and the Papas, among many, many others.

Armed with 200,000 pages of evidence — including government documents, warrants, canceled checks, telephone records, photographs, 8mm film and video recordings, e-mails, signed confessions by the stars themselves, willing confessions by the stars themselves, explicit boasts to the media by the stars themselves, biographies and numerous autopsy reports naming drugs as the cause of multiple rock star deaths — McDowell has built up an almost irrefutable case.

“I just don’t know what to say,” said Des Moines housewife Molly Gooch. “‘Strawberry Fields’ is one of my favorite songs, but to think that it was made under the influence of anything other than good-old-fashioned human inspiration, well I don’t know how I could ever really enjoy it again.”

Among the drugs suspected in the Hall of Fame report to have been used in the creation of some of America’s most loved songs are hash, cannabis, peyote, psilocybin, amanita muscaria fly agaric, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), morphine, fentanyl, tweak, meth, nose candy, bennies, tuinals, dexies, white crosses, red devils, Doriden, smack, Paris 400s, ludes, snow, crack, crank, downers, dolls …

Black beauties, dummy dust, Hillbilly Heroin oxycodone, MDMA, Rohypnol, goofballs, GHB, Easy Lay, Special K, Vesperax, valium, Surgical Nubain, wack, tears of the poppy, rainbows, yellows, X, speed and sticky icky.

As a result of the findings, rock’s gatekeepers and regulators have cautioned that it may be necessary to re-examine and perhaps dismiss many of the ideas and experiences fomented by the drug-polluted music.

“Now that we know such classics as “Visions of Johanna” and “Good Vibrations” were written under that same scourge that waylaid the Lotus-eaters,” said McDowell, “it is sad, but inevitable, that we can no longer be entertained by them, conceived as they were in a surreal idiom that rational man finds repugnant and anathema to his higher functions of mind and being.”

“I once cheered as Barry Bonds hit a record number of career homers and as Jimi played the guitar strings with his teeth on ‘Little Wing,'” said McDowell. “But come on. Showing rare human athletic ability and raising consciousness to a new level of spiritual and cosmic awareness is no good if you cheated.”

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(Originally posted Thursday, December 13, 2007)

A Slew of Posthumous Works of Fiction and Non-fiction Hitting Bookstores Near You

“Yiddelstein the Royal,” by Saul Bellow

“Against Language,” by Susan Sontag

“Something My Sister Finished For Me Because I Was Drunk And Suicidal,” by John O’Brien

“You Don’t Have The Guts To Fuck My Gnomic Corpse,” by Norman Mailer

“If God Were Alive Today He’d Have You All For Breakfast,” by Kurt Vonnegut

“Just Procreate With Whomever’s Attractive, That’s How the Flies Do It,” By Stephen Jay Gould

“If It Feels Good, It’s Rape,” by Andrea Dworkin

“The Homoeroticism of Lewis and Clark,” by Leslie Fiedler

“The Fountain of Death,” by Betty Friedan

“American Brains Braised With Moist Heat,” by Hunter S. Thompson

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Attention Whores?

(Originally posted Wednesday, December 12, 2007)

James Blunt, that fey, winsome doe-eyed elfin Sweet Jesus who wants so badly to be the pillow you kiss every night, has grown a beard to change his image and make you take his songs more seriously. Yes, that’s all it takes. A beard. We here at the Retributioners wonder what we could do to win your hearts and get millions of new viewers?

–*Grow a beard?

–*Kill off the show’s beloved character Nate?

–*Make a sex tape?

–*Get plastic surgery?

–*Get hormone injection therapy?

–*Get in a fight with 50 Cent?

–*Snub our best friend Paris at a restaurant?

–*Go into alcoholic seizure backstage?

–*Perform a duet with Elton John at the Grammys?

–*Kill Tupac?

–*Get arrested for DUI?

–*Get arrested for DUI and get caught on TMZ?

–*Get arrested for DUI and get caught on TMZ making salacious sexual and racial slurs?

–*Shave off our pubic hair and, without wearing underwear, hop out of a taxi ass first?

What can “The Retributioners” do to win your love? Not that we’re attention whores or anything.

Again: You can tell your friends to watch this astoundingly funny new Web series here. And don’t forget to watch the Prologue, a four-minute introduction to Stephanie and her world. It is not the same thing as the trailer.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, December 12, 2007)

Vague, Moody, Byronesque Passages On a Cold Day

“…I watched the black-blue morning sky, with nothing hatched from it but a misbegotten sun… ”

” … I had begun to live in the despair inevitably born from one’s happiness …”

” … to love was to decompose, to have faith in a timelessness that was not … to wither and rot …more, please”

” … the nightingale showered in my bath, she whose beauty was of hateful putrescence to me…for what did she know of it anyway?”

” … Oh, to see an urn cracked. How true that is …”

” … black sputum coughed up again …”

“… the Arno River is quite low today …”

” … let musk-roses blow beautifully on far away islands. But it’s none of my damn business….”

” … I have known happiness, but spent myself too quickly on her…if you take my meaning …”

” … our marriage sacrament, unfinished but to drown in that river there …Damn unholy love!”

“… hateful, fetid itching …”

” … from the red gash falls heavy mere work of the imagination. Another wound not worth mentioning …”

“… ruin yawns. Is there such a thing as to be ruined twice in one morning?”

“… I grow pathetic….”

” … rude ticklings of a black creek shallow with death … I think it’s tea time.”

” … Bare cupboard. Damn….”

“… the astrolabe tells the sidereal time. It is fear hour …”

” … I’m beset by ague; my love has not written. Flaming maggots of hell…”

“… the falcon taunts me. come taunt me closer, insolent devil harpy and we’ll see what exactly death can destroy …”

“…the precious hour of parting lingers … why won’t you leave?”

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Cleopatra Lyrics

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

by ER Salo Deguierre

Where did our love go?
You took it away
Where did your heart go?
It changes every day

When you’re young you’re like a flower
Your heart blooms with every rose
Scarlet letter at her bosom
And she blushed when it would show

Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
We played like children and you were my only friend
Come on baby let me read my poem again

Where did our love go?
Thrown into the sea
Where did her heart go?
The asp she loved instead of me

She’s the kind who’d eat her diamonds
And swallow her own pearls
Just to make a young man’s heart race
Cause she’s not like other girls

Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
The asp has bit her and she needs it like a friend
Come on baby let me read my poem again

Where did our love go?
Suicide and wine
From lips to lips are splashing
Like a kiss and kiss in kind

If all the world is evil
And everyone is mean
Then we’ll meet again in heaven
One that only children see

Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
The snake has bit her and she loves him to the end
Come on baby let me read my poem again

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(Originally posted Monday, December 10, 2007)

The UTA Online Channel is currently featuring The Retributioners, Episode 1 – The Virginity Pact


You can support “The Retributioners” by going to this link and clicking, clicking, clicking our film over and over. Imagine you are Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz clicking her heels. Over and over like she’s just taken a bunch of uppers. Click, click, click.

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