Archive for January 28th, 2009

Attention Whores?

(Originally posted Wednesday, December 12, 2007)

James Blunt, that fey, winsome doe-eyed elfin Sweet Jesus who wants so badly to be the pillow you kiss every night, has grown a beard to change his image and make you take his songs more seriously. Yes, that’s all it takes. A beard. We here at the Retributioners wonder what we could do to win your hearts and get millions of new viewers?

–*Grow a beard?

–*Kill off the show’s beloved character Nate?

–*Make a sex tape?

–*Get plastic surgery?

–*Get hormone injection therapy?

–*Get in a fight with 50 Cent?

–*Snub our best friend Paris at a restaurant?

–*Go into alcoholic seizure backstage?

–*Perform a duet with Elton John at the Grammys?

–*Kill Tupac?

–*Get arrested for DUI?

–*Get arrested for DUI and get caught on TMZ?

–*Get arrested for DUI and get caught on TMZ making salacious sexual and racial slurs?

–*Shave off our pubic hair and, without wearing underwear, hop out of a taxi ass first?

What can “The Retributioners” do to win your love? Not that we’re attention whores or anything.

Again: You can tell your friends to watch this astoundingly funny new Web series here. And don’t forget to watch the Prologue, a four-minute introduction to Stephanie and her world. It is not the same thing as the trailer.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, December 12, 2007)

Vague, Moody, Byronesque Passages On a Cold Day

“…I watched the black-blue morning sky, with nothing hatched from it but a misbegotten sun… ”

” … I had begun to live in the despair inevitably born from one’s happiness …”

” … to love was to decompose, to have faith in a timelessness that was not … to wither and rot …more, please”

” … the nightingale showered in my bath, she whose beauty was of hateful putrescence to me…for what did she know of it anyway?”

” … Oh, to see an urn cracked. How true that is …”

” … black sputum coughed up again …”

“… the Arno River is quite low today …”

” … let musk-roses blow beautifully on far away islands. But it’s none of my damn business….”

” … I have known happiness, but spent myself too quickly on her…if you take my meaning …”

” … our marriage sacrament, unfinished but to drown in that river there …Damn unholy love!”

“… hateful, fetid itching …”

” … from the red gash falls heavy mere work of the imagination. Another wound not worth mentioning …”

“… ruin yawns. Is there such a thing as to be ruined twice in one morning?”

“… I grow pathetic….”

” … rude ticklings of a black creek shallow with death … I think it’s tea time.”

” … Bare cupboard. Damn….”

“… the astrolabe tells the sidereal time. It is fear hour …”

” … I’m beset by ague; my love has not written. Flaming maggots of hell…”

“… the falcon taunts me. come taunt me closer, insolent devil harpy and we’ll see what exactly death can destroy …”

“…the precious hour of parting lingers … why won’t you leave?”

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Cleopatra Lyrics

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

by ER Salo Deguierre

Where did our love go?
You took it away
Where did your heart go?
It changes every day

When you’re young you’re like a flower
Your heart blooms with every rose
Scarlet letter at her bosom
And she blushed when it would show

Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
We played like children and you were my only friend
Come on baby let me read my poem again

Where did our love go?
Thrown into the sea
Where did her heart go?
The asp she loved instead of me

She’s the kind who’d eat her diamonds
And swallow her own pearls
Just to make a young man’s heart race
Cause she’s not like other girls

Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
The asp has bit her and she needs it like a friend
Come on baby let me read my poem again

Where did our love go?
Suicide and wine
From lips to lips are splashing
Like a kiss and kiss in kind

If all the world is evil
And everyone is mean
Then we’ll meet again in heaven
One that only children see

Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
The snake has bit her and she loves him to the end
Come on baby let me read my poem again

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(Originally posted Monday, December 10, 2007)

The UTA Online Channel is currently featuring The Retributioners, Episode 1 – The Virginity Pact


You can support “The Retributioners” by going to this link and clicking, clicking, clicking our film over and over. Imagine you are Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz clicking her heels. Over and over like she’s just taken a bunch of uppers. Click, click, click.

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Fake Media Feuds

(Originally posted Monday, December 10, 2007)

Fake Fights and Rivalries Manufactured for Dramatic Purposes by the Media

–*Lindsay Lohan vs. Hilary Duff

–*George Clooney versus Fabio

–*Gen X vs. the baby boomers

–*Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston

–*Kanye versus 50 Cent

–*Leno versus Letterman

–*God versus Satan

–*Jesus versus Satan

–*Sylvester versus Tweety

–*Jessica Simpson versus Ashlee Simpson

–*The U.S. versus Spain (1898 )

–*The U.S. versus Iraq (2003)

–*The Oyster Bay Roosevelts versus the Hyde Park Roosevelts

–*East Coast Rap versus West Coast Rap

–*The Hyde Park Roosevelts versus West Coast Rap

–*Ali versus Foreman

–*Coke versus Pepsi

–*Nicole Kidman versus Jesus

–*John Lennon versus Jesus

–*Jack Paar versus Jesus

–*Snow White versus the Evil Queen

–*Evil queens versus huggable Lesbians

–*Republicans versus Democrats

–*Capitalists versus the workers

–*Men versus women

–*Blacks versus whites

–*Us versus them

–*Me versus you

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(Originally posted Saturday, December 08, 2007)

Just got back from my birthday party-slash-Retributioners launch party in the East Village and it was a swelligant gathering. I want to thank everybody who came and ordered me my favorite not-so-manly drink. You know the one. And thanks for supporting the Retributioners.

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(Originally posted Friday, December 07, 2007)

Mathematical Paradoxes Discovered by Betrand Russell But Unpublished Until Now

–*A surprise party thrown for oneself is not a surprise party unless nobody shows up

–*A drunk cannot ever truly know he is a drunk until he his told by somebody, likely his wife, who he will then not believe

–*If a tree falls on an asshole in the forest, it is likely nobody will care

–*The existence of God can be proved ontologically by the idea that He is conceivable … or because your mother told you so.

–*None of the eight heads you stuffed in a duffel bag will fit the same way after you have successfully loaded them once.

–*Say we have a logical precept in set theory in which a woman says she only loves those men who are not in love her … yeah, that’s pretty much the way it works.

–*The Prisoner Paradox: A man set to be hanged at an uncertain point in the next five days will, because of logical deduction, in fact never be hanged … that is, not unless somebody with some guts takes the initiative.

–*Language is not something that is best understood by words themselves, which is evident to anyone who has listened to Roland Barthes go on and on and on.

–*Two groups working independently and achieving success will somehow see those successes turn to failure if the same two groups are combined. This is also known as democracy.

–*Infinity plus one is still equal to infinity, so fuck you and your “common sense.”

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My Birthday

(Originally posted Thursday, December 06, 2007)

As MySpace has told you, it’s my birthday. We are all getting up there. And I am really getting up there. A person at my age is hopefully a little bit more defined, has spent some time figuring out who he is and what he’s made of. He knows his strengths and weaknesses. He hopefully knows what accoutrements and effects he needs and what he doesn’t need to live in happiness and blessedness, and hopefully he knows that to need less makes him more of a person. I think it’s harder to buy presents for anybody as they get older, because as we grow, we each become more unique and particular and our deepest inner workings become more of a mystery, even, dare I say, to those who know us best.

Having said that, here’s what you could get me for my birthday if you wanted to buy me something:

–*Errors & Omissions Insurance

–*A Steadicam

–*A Cleopatra costume for a music video I’m planning

–*A $3000 Roland keyboard

–*A high end professional digital video camera. Or a real Arriflex film camera

–*A plane ticket to Istanbul

–*A plane ticket to Nicaragua

–*Thomas Pynchon’s phone number

–*Financing for a feature film with a budget of $100,000

–*Time. I could always use more time

In lieu of all these expensive or impossible things, you can just do one thing for my birthday: Watch “The Retributioners.” Tell your friends to watch it. Hey! It’s my birthday, after all!

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(Originally posted Wednesday, December 05, 2007)

A list of compliments no one ever wants to hear:

“You’re beautiful, except when you smile or talk.”

“You have a great laugh aside from the stupid things you laugh at.”

“You don’t sweat much for a fat person.”

“You look just like Julia Roberts would look if she weren’t as pretty.”

“Your acting in that Chekhov play was delightfully vacuous. I mean, you really do vacant and blank well.”

“You seem really well adjusted for someone whose mother tried to raise him as the opposite sex.”

“You read a lot for a Baptist.”

“Your presidential candidate seems awfully plain-spoken and refreshingly simple.”

“You seem very rational for a person who waves around an embryo in a plastic bag during protest marches and spits blood.”

“You’re so witty, if not really funny.”

“Your lack of book smarts is refreshingly unself-conscious.”

“Your Web show seems to have a very selective audience.”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, December 05, 2007)

After a lot of hard work, the Retributioners Web series is LIVE as of midnight Wednesday. The show stars my wife Stephanie in a semi-autobiographical role as a New York actress seeking out people who have wronged her in the past to get revenge on camera. The following is the prologue and Episode 1: The Virginity Pact.

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