(Originally posted February 13, 2008 )
Bill O’Reilly has a lot of anger. That’s because he likely hasn’t seen this:
Archive for the ‘Film & TV’ Category
Hey Bill O’Reilly
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Bill O'Reilly, kitten loves puppy, YouTube on February 10, 2009| Leave a Comment »
What’s On TV Tonight, Jan. 3, 2008
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Elmo, Huckabee, Suicide Girls, The Apprentice, WGA, writer's strike, Xena on January 31, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Thursday, January 03, 2008 )
2 CBS
A WGA screenwriter in Buda, Texas walks alone holding a placard through the middle of town, across the street from the pie shop, in lieu of another “Without a Trace” repeat.
4 NBC
The “all cancer patient” version of “The Apprentice” (Repeat)
7 A&E
All our shows tonight will start with a decomposed body (Repeat)
9 Bravo
Brady Hunt (repeat)
10 VH-1
“Will It Blend?” and “America’s Next Top Model” Are Combined Into a Highly Satisfying Reality Series
11 Lifetime
Sad, mealy mouth female nerds honor all-powerful TV icon Xena, who unknowingly serves as an symbol of their inability to express themselves in day-to-day life
12 E! Entertainment Television
True Hollywood Story Investigates the Shattering Drama of Rock Stars with Crohn’s Disease and Psoriasis
13 History Channel
Anarchists, Communists and Terrorists Remembered For Their Scapegoating Usefulness As Our Celebration of Two Centuries of American Imperialism Continues
14 CNBC
In the midst of a discussion of the discount trade window, Jim Cramer goes on an extended digression about his sexual prowess, finally screaming “I could cock block half the men in this city from this tiny TV screen.”
15 Showtime
Passive-Aggressive Suicide Girls Versus Bipolar Suicide Girls Dance-Off
16 MTV
A stripper would really take this show to the next level.
17 HBO
Wait, is that … no, not “The Sopranos.” Damn.
18 Logo
Eddie Murphy explains gay sex in a compassionate and thoughtful lecture.
19 CMT
Trick My Planned Parenthood Clinic
20 Spike TV
Extreme Tattoo Removal
21 We
End That Awful Marriage, Now!
22 Disney Family
That Mother Fucking Cat
23 PBS
In a continuing series of educational specials, Sesame Street’s lovable Elmo explains in easy to understand language how to potty, tie your shoes, wash your hands, masturbate, kill your own meat, cut open somebody’s trachea, perform a foreign body retrieval, hotwire a car, cheat on your SAT, build a roadside plastic explosive with nails, sheet metal and other debris, engage in homosexual lovemaking, perform euthanasia on an ailing loved one, deliver a bloody foal, and escape to Cuba.
24 CNN
Extra Cute Mike Huckabee Wins the Highly Amusing Iowa Caucuses
Holiday TV Shows
Posted in Film & TV, Holidays, tagged Boxing Day, Chanukah, Christmas, Jewish, Kwanzaa on January 31, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, December 24, 2007)
Peanuts Celebrates a Happy Kwanzaa
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Reveals He Is Jewish, Just in Time For Chanukah
Frosty The Snowman’s Pagan Celebration of Yule
A Show Involving a Slightly More Terrifying Santa Who Originates From the Basque Country
Horace’s Delightful Holiday TV Classic “It Happened One Saturnalia.”
Nancy Reagan Reads From the Book “The Meaning of Solstice.”
The Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Non-Holiday Special, Featuring A Family of Jehovah’s Witnesses Not Celebrating The Heretical Christmas Holiday
The Jews Are At Home Eating Chinese Food Christmas Special
Andy Williams’ English Boxing Day Ski Show
Satellite: Virgin Mary Worship Continues In Nicaragua
The Mid-Winter Swedish Human Sacrifice Spectacular
What’s On TV Tonight, Dec. 15, 2007
Posted in Film & TV, tagged 30 Rock, Christopher Hitchens, Logo Network, Lost TV show, Nancy Grace, Sundance Channel, writer's strike on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Saturday, December 15, 2007)
2 ABC
Everyone on “Lost” has gills
3 CMT
Everyone in Chattanooga has a prehensile tail
4 NBC
Suspended during the writer’s strike, “30 Rock” is pre-empted by a writerless show where people do nothing but grunt and shove, groom and eat lice off each other
5 Fox
America’s Got Rickets
17 History Channel
The History of Nudity
18 A&E
Gene Simmons ends all fights by wagging his enormous tongue lubriciously at his family
20 Democracy Now
Remembering The Free Love Sensibilities of the Totally Unfuckable Anarchist Emma Goldman
21 Discover Health
The Vagina Speaks
22 Oxygen
Your Daughter Just Got Her First Period. Now Slap Her.
23 Discover
Let’s get a tooth pulled in the border town of Reynosa
24 CNN
Repeated loops of lone gunman on a videotape keeps your mind off the sorry state of health care
25 Headline News
Nancy Grace, in the delivery room with twins, screamingly indicts man who did this to her
26 Bloomberg News
It’s nothing but crawls and numbers and blinking lights and a little man talking in the corner, an experience that could be likened only to schizophrenia
27 Logo
Right Girl, Wrong Sex Parts
28 BBC America
Cheek, Dignity, Cheek, Dignity
29 Sundance
Depressing Ken Loach marathon followed by depressing global warming marathon
30 IFC
Kevin Smith: How to overcome incompetence with insufferable cleverness
31 VH-1
You might want to boil this show after you watch it
32 MTV
“The Real World” is off the air after being clumped together and rolled away on the hind feet of shit beetles
33 Food Network
Making the Japanese fat enough to fit into our clothes
34 Univision
I think the man with the beard is the bad guy
35 Fuse
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black
36 VH-1 Classic
The Voluptuous Horror of the Starland Vocal Band
37 C-SPAN Books
The Voluptuous Horror of Christopher Hitchens
What’s On TV Tonight, Dec. 2
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Adult Swim, CMT, Fox News, Gray's Anatomy, hippies, Larry King, Sean Hannity, YouTube on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Sunday, December 02, 2007)
2 CBS
Walker, Texas Panderer
4 NBC
Law & Order: Professional Athletes Detail
5 ABC
A Chick Show With Even More Extensive String Plucking To Let You Know It’s a Satire, Lest You Think The Hip Producers Are Somehow Not Above Entertaining You
6 CW
America’s Next Top Zionist
7 Telemundo
El Hombre Es Embarazada! Ay!
8 Biography
Taking a cue from Immanuel Kant, viewers make a strike against pure reason by watching psychic shows
9 Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: Bodily Fluids In Anthropomorphic Form
10 ESPN-Classic
“The Cannonball Run II,” like a whore looking for a place to sleep, somehow winds up on ESPN Classic
11 Fox News
Der Hannity Kinder
12 CMT
Where To Get The Hog Feed To Make Your Mash Liquor Without Drawring Attention From the POE-lice
18 History Channel
Just Enough History About the Hippies To Allow You To Dismiss Them All Over Again
19 CNN
Could you say that again? Larry wasn’t listening.
20 FX, 21 Sci-Fi and 22 A&E
We promise to just get grosser and more violent and more profane until you pay attention to us.
21 MTV
Whose Sick Did I Wake Up In?
22 VH-1
Does Carly Simon have to sleep with Flavor Flav to get back on this channel?
24 HBO
A Documentary About Atlantic City Hookers Narrated Entirely In Iambic Pentameter
26 E! Entertainment
Every Girl Is Attractive When She’s Naked (Reality)
28 Bravo
Fear My Brazen Sauce
29 Hallmark
Charles Durning served his country on the beaches of Normandy. Here he stars as Santa in a horrible Christmas show thought up in the marketing department by a 29-year-old yuppie scumbag.
30 Lifetime
Movie: A driven, single-minded career woman who lives only for her work … oh, Jesus, need I continue?
31 Cinemax
The Vagina Syndrome
31 Cinemax
Lonesome Rim
31 Cinemax
Things To Do With Heather In Your Bed
32 BET
Kicked In The Butt By Love
33 HGTV
Kicked In The Butt By an Adjustable-Rate Mortgage
34 Court TV
Your Unabashed Hatred Only Diminishes You, Dear Viewer, But Having Said That, Here Are Some Dirty Filthy, Lowlife, Murdering, Child-Molesting Scumbags You Can Hate
35 Democracy Now
Smug Liberal Curls Lip
YouTube:
–*Bickering Republican Front Runners Make Mike Huckabee Look Not Blood-Curdlingly Stupid For Brief Moment
–*Small Kitten Vomiting and Still Looking Extra Cute
–*Suicide Girl Continuing To Get Positive Feedback For Working Through Her Body Issues the Wrong Way
What’s On TV Tonight, Nov. 19
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Gene Simmons, Jenna Jameson, Lara Croft, Law & Order, MTV, presidential debates, Prozac on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)
2 CBS
The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down
4 NBC
Law and Order, Big Mac Attack
5 ABC
Convulsing With the Stars
7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!
8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!
10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians
11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them
12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill
13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.
14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….
15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!
16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)
17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove
18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”
19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.
20 FLIX
“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place
21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.
22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other
23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire
23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time
24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space
25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space
28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.
29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other
30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery
31 Golf
No, really. Golf
What’s On TV Tonight, Nov. 9
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Bionic Woman, Fox, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Ken Burns, Larry King, Lifetime, Medium, UFOs, YouTube on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Friday, November 09, 2007)
2 CBS
Medium Smackdown: You don’t see dead people, asshole, I do.
2 CBS
Forensic Shows With A Preponderent Number of Their Themes Increasingly Directed at Cannibalism and Incest To Drive Up the “Wow” Factor
4 NBC
“Bionic Woman”: Jaime Unfortunately Finds Out Once Again That Her Sexual Embrace Is a Death Grip
5 ABC
Woman Doctors Making Dick Jokes (Featuring A Soundtrack of Coyly Plucked Strings)
7 Fox
An Aggressive Reality Cooking Show With a Host You’d Like To Murder, Followed By A Fictional Show In Which Somebody Murders the Host of an Aggressive TV Reality Cooking Show
8 CW
Gossip Girl Ups The Ante By Calling Lindsey “A Cunt Who’s Going to Get What’s Coming To Her.”
9 Lifetime
We Have Found That Paranormal Psychic Crap Skews Very Clearly Toward Women In their late 30s, 40s and 50s
9 Lifetime
Couples Not Having Sex And Whining About It
10 Telemundo
Las Parejas Que Tienen Poco Sexo y … Blah Blah Blah
13 PBS
Documentary historian Ken Burns takes us back to the last war we can all agree on.
14 ABC Family
America’s Funniest Home Videos, Extra Sadistic Edition
15 Animal Planet
Awwwwww….Swimming Lions … Awwwwwww
16 CNN
Larry King Throws Another Sop To Idiots With A Story on UFOs
17 CNBC
The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch
18 Fox News
Much Smaller, More Easily Digestible Ideas with Neil Cavuto
19 BET
Movie: A Crude Farce Revolving Around the Antics of Sex-Obsessed Friends. (That’s Not Me Being Funny, That’s Really From the TV Guide Description, I Swear to Christ)
19 BET
Something, something. Something, something? Something, something!
20 Headline News
A Nightly News Show That Focuses On Topical Issues, But Better For Us If There’s a Hot-Looking Teen Involved
21 MTV
Martha Quinn Is Freed From an Underground Torture Room and Real Music Videos Are Played Everywhere For All To Hear and Enjoy
22 E! Entertainment Television
Something New To Liberate Your Penis For
26 Crosswalk
Democracy Now: Communists Have Seized the Country, But You Don’t Even Know Because You Don’t Read the Paper or Watch This Channel
27 Crosswalk
The Robin Byrd Show: Waiting to Expel
28 Discovery Health
Birth Is Just Gross
29 HBO
Miami Vice
30 Cinemax
The Co-Eds Are Not Studying
31 Sundance Channel
Eco Friendly Places To Store Your Bodily Waste
32 The Independent Film Channel
Henry Rollins trying to make a point dressed as a meter maid, though I’m not sure I get what it is.
32 The Independent Film Channel
Indie Sex. There, we said it. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex….
33 VH-1
P Diddy Sells a New Fragrance That Smells Like Somebody Made P Diddy
YouTube
–*A shark eating my dog
–*Why Stalin was a cool guy
–*A slide show of a woman dancing around in her bra to a Jay-Z song
–*A double-jointed guy showin’ us how he rolls
–*The new “Retributioners” trailer. Cha-ching! Made you look!
What’s On TV Tonight, Oct. 19
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Animal Planet, Celebrity Oops, Cinemax, CSI, Emeril, Friday Night Lights, Harry Potter, HGTV, Reba, TV Land on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Saturday, October 20, 2007)
2 CBS
Another show about a hot babe who talks to your dead grandmother.
4 NBC
Dancing Circles Around A Half-Dead Celebrity
4 NBC
Screw “Friday Night Lights.” Have you ever noticed that you can’t help but choke up when you hear the theme to “Brian’s Song”?
5 ABC
You Work It, Sister! (Two hours of chick shows.)
7 Fox
A new reality show about making it in the independent movie business: “So, You Want To Be The Next Assistant Covered In Harvey Weinstein’s Spit?”
12 A&E
CSI: Mississippi. This week, the team must wait 12 days for a microscope to come in the mail via Fed Ex.
15 Animal Planet
It’s Me Or The Throat-Eating Pit Bull
17 History
Puritans Doin’ It
18 HBO
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Spanish Fly
19 Soap Net
Half the characters of “All My Children” are involved in a horrible car pileup and become mentally retarded, and the other half become autistic. They all spend the year talking in a fat-tongued Neanderthal-speak.
20 E! Entertainment Television
The 10 Biggest Celebrity Genocidal Ooops
21 Logo
The gayest show we could find about the stock and bond markets.
22 Sci-Fi
Something green breaking out of a guy’s stomach while you’re eating dinner.
23 TV Land
It’s Like Reliving An Entire Youth Wasted Watching TV All Over Again
29 Cinemax
Oh! oh! oh! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, oh, oh! Unh, unh, unh!
33 Food Network
Audience cheers as Emeril adds Prozac to a veloute sauce to “make it happy.”
35 VS.
Base jumping with a horse-toothed Danish idiot.
38 HGTV
If These Walls Could Bleed: Redecorating on bad acid.
39 Fox News
Locked In Our Insular World, Speaking Increasingly Weird Ideas To Each Other Like a Cult of Inbreeds
40 Lifetime
Recurring, Unstoppable, Unyielding Reba
50 Disney
Everything you do for the next year as a parent will revolve around “Hannah Montana”
51 CMT
I Want To Get Pregnant Like a High School Cheerleader Again
52 Sundance Channel
Icons: Marilyn Manson and George Wendt
What’s On TV Tonight, Oct. 12
Posted in Film & TV, tagged Antiques Roadshow, Catherine the Great, CSI, Dancing With The Stars, Grey's Anatomy, Law & Order, Numb3rs, Susan Faludi, Tell Me You Love Me on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Thursday, October 11, 2007)
2 CBS
CSI: Tonight, a credible forensic scientist using rigorous testing proves the existence of the Dark Lord Satan.
2 CBS
Numb3rs: Charlie uses an ingenious mathematical formula to prove that it was Don who took his milk from the office refrigerator.
5 Fox
“Don’t Forget The Lyrics” (game show): This week, contestants are confused, wrongly thinking that half the lyrics to the classic song “Louie, Louie” must have been the word “fuck,” or at least that’s what they thought when they were 12.
7 ABC
Dancing With the Stars: Bruno challenges the wisdom of poet E.E. Cummings, saying, “Sometimes it is better to teach the stars how not to dance.”
7 ABC
Grey’s Anatomy: Izzie must confess indiscretions to Lexie about that night with Poozle and Muff. Tracheotomy performed.
13 PBS
Another Mind-Numbing Repeat of Antiques Roadshow
14 TNT
Law & Order: Episode 1,062, “The Buttocks of Insanity.”
17 The History Channel
Catherine The Great: Strange Sexual Tastes
18 Univision
Catherine The Great: Sexo Con Caballos
20 Animal Planet
If You Become Friendly With a Grizzly, Kids, Animal Cops Will Have To Kill It
21 Toon Disney
Pucca (South Korea): Fed up with her failed attempts to steal a kiss from her favorite ninja Garu, young Pucca tries the date rape drug Rohypnol
25 Discovery Health
Large, suppurating boils
28 Spike TV
Those Funny Japs
29 HGTV (Home and Garden Television)
I can’t help but think, as I look out at my perennials, of what Keats said, “Of Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies.” And yet I will plant my red valerians anyway. … Sigh.
30 Ovation
A cool documentary on music that several years ago you might have seen on Bravo, before it was chased off by style and cooking shows whose hosts have an edge of hostility and menace.
31 TLC
Thursday is boy’s night, so we have to talk about ethanol motorcycles; Friday is girl’s night, so we have to talk about dresses with hip gussets
32 National Geographic Channel
Yes, we would put the word “naked” in the program’s title if we thought that would light a fire under your ass to learn something. Jeez!
34 Showtime
Failure To Launch
35 TV Land
Bob Denver, showin’ you how it’s done.
36 Lifetime
Women: Catchin’ the Criminals and Birthin’ the Babies (A Very Sassy Police Show)
37 C-Span Books
Feminist author Susan Faludi shows you how to marginalize yourself with a dogmatic, parochial and joyless critical agenda.
38 Crosswalk Open Access Channel
Anyone who understands the concept of specific heat capacity knows 9/11 was a hoax, says young man wearing red bandana over his face.
39 Fox News
Why the Liberals Hate Our Ongoing Four-And-A-Half-Year Victory In Iraq
40 Democracy Now
Iran-Contra Is Our Continuing Cottage Industry
42 HBO
Tell Me You Love Me, Episode 5 (More like, “Show Me You Love Me In An Extended Soft-core Porno Scene That Destroys Any Kind of Narrative Rhythm”)
