(Originally posted Tuesday, June 03, 2008 )
It’s been a long wait. But Episode 5 of “The Retributioners” is now up at “Funny Or Die.”
Archive for February, 2009
Retributioners Episode 5 – The Former BFF
Posted in Uncategorized on February 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »
New Facebook Groups
Posted in Uncategorized on February 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, June 02, 2008 )
I’ve noticed that Facebook has a lot of specialty groups for those who want to connect in very different ways about very specific passions they have. What are some of the groups now appearing?
–*The official Facebook Group To Ban Facebook Applications
–*The official Facebook Group To Ban IQ Tests on Facebook
–*The official Facebook Group To Ban Facebook
–*The official “Carl Welch Is a Numb Nuts Who Should Be Killed” Group
–*Deer Creek Class of ’72 (Danny’s Cadre)
–*Deer Creek Class of ’72 (Kill Mary’s Cadre!)
–*The official Facebook Group of People Who Used To Like Michael Moore But Stopped When He Attacked Dick Clark
–*The official Facebook Group of People Who Don’t Really Believe in the Gematria Debates They Are Having But Just Do It Out of Tradition and Habit
–*The Official Facebook Group of Abstinence Girls Who Only Do Oral
–*Robin Williams Stole My Joke Group
–*The New York Times Stole My Story Idea Group
–*The Official Facebook Protestant Ulster Unionist Group Demands The Catholic Ulster Unionist Group Be Removed
–*Joey’s Group, Hoping To Promote Joey
–*Your Meta-Filter Is A Piece of Shit Group
Where’s Episode 5?
Posted in Uncategorized on February 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, June 02, 2008 )
We were hoping to have Episode 5 of “The Retributioners” up for you tonight, but after we opened the newly saved Apple Quicktime version, we found the soundtrack had somehow gotten turned up to ear-puncturing, crazy-making levels. So…no Episode 5 yet. We still need a day or two.
Here’s what you want to do when your movie doesn’t work out right:
–*Gnash your teeth
–*Spit
–*Kill
–*Vote Republican
–*Tear the heads off dolls
–*Tear out your own hair, even though you are not a trichotillomaniac
–*Tear out the hair of somebody else
–*…which would be funny if they just happened to be a trichotillomanic
–*Kill the hostages
–*Free all the lab rabbits
–*Liberate your brain through your ear with a dull fork
–*Go to sleep
Hey! I think I’ll do that last one…right …now….
What Strange Things Are We Yelling Out In Bed?
Posted in Uncategorized on February 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Saturday, May 31, 2008 )
–*Ride me!
–*Call me stallion!
–*Say my name!
–*I’m the king of England!
–*Kneel before Zod!
–*Tell me how grotesque I am!
–*Call me bitch boy!
–*My film “Titanic” grossed $1.8 billion!
–*God damn Catholics!
–*That’s what she said!
–*Tell me I’m funnier than my brother
–*…your husband
–*Take that, Manchester United!
–*Goal!
–*Serve!
–*Hit me!
–*Hit yourself!
–*Mazel Tov!
–*Goodnight and good luck!
–*Why have you forsaken me?
–*Do I know you?
Waxing Philosophical About Bush Betrayal
Posted in Uncategorized on February 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Thursday, May 29, 2008 )
Here are what some of Scott McClellan’s former colleagues are saying about the ex-White House press secretary’s recent indictment of the Bush administration. Wrapping themselves in pretzels trying to contain the damage, many of these Republican bigwigs have turned to New Age speak.
–*”It’s like he’s having a weird out-of-body experience.”
–*”It’s like Scott is living on the astral plane.”
–*”It’s like there are two Scotts. Like he is performing the ancient occult practice of bi-location, which means being in two places at once, which allows him to speak two irreconcilable things at the same time.”
–*”It’s like Scott’s in the middle of a lucid dream in which everything is magical and strange.”
–*”It’s like there’s a Kuato speaking through Scott’s stomach, and he’s saying so much bad stuff about the president. How could he possible mean it? When there’s that Kuato living in him?”
–*”It’s like Scott has taken a magic carpet ride to a fantasy land and we can’t reach him, though we cry out ‘Scott! Scott! Scott!'”
–*”Why Scott would betray the president at this point is very strange. The only real explanation, since he’s not telling the truth, is that there is some “tulpa” version of Scott. An un-real faux former press secretary, and he is like a shared hallucination we are all having.”
–*”My only explanation for Scott’s saying that the president used propaganda to wage war in Iraq–since that statement just can’t be true–is that Scott has been strung up in an leather bag and hypnotized through an ancient form of witchcraft.”
–*”It’s like Scott has been smitten by Shiva, the destroying angel, and does not have the mitigating forces of Brahma and Vishnu to preserve him as he says these completely indefensible things about poor President Bush.”
–*”Scott has obviously gone through a process that the ancient Greeks referred to as metempsychosis, in which the soul transmigrates from one incarnation to another, in this case transforming from a loyal patriotic spokesperson for the greatest president of our time into a disfigured sack-of-shit horn-nosed Belial who speaks only in riddles and lies and whose every breath is uttered only in screams as he’s chewed in the mouth of the Beast.”
–*”Clearly, Scott has been seduced by Satan.”
Lying the Scott McClellan Way
Posted in Comedy on February 17, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, May 28, 2008 )
Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan has released a scathing indictment of his one-time boss, president George W. Bush, accusing his former superiors in the administration of pushing propaganda and untruths at every level to effect their policies. He even blames the media for being too complicit in the spin doctoring going on. In other words, he is mad that he believed the president’s lies. And he blames the media for believing these same lies that he himself believed. Which ultimately means he blames the media for believing him.
How is this kind of ongoing denial and the echo-chamber of non-critical thinking affecting us as everyday Americans? What if we did this in our own interpersonal relationships?
–*”Honey, you should have known that when I told you I wanted you to buy me eggs, I didn’t really mean for you to put on your clothes, go out the front door, drive five miles to the supermarket to buy me eggs. It was just something wives say.”
–*”Son, you should have known that when I told you I was having a heart attack and needed emergency defibrillation that I was doing it just as a way to get you to come visit me at the house, which you never do. I’m old! This is all your fault.”
–*”John, when I told you to make love to me, you should have known later that I would file for sexual harassment. You have to know that sometimes even when a girl says yes, she means no.”
–“Honey, when I made a vow to be faithful, you should never have believed that I wasn’t going to sleep with your much sexier sister.”
–*”Teacher, when I said I was going to the bathroom, you should have found it extremely suspect, since you can tell, just by looking at me, that I am the kind of person who is going to go sell crank in the parking lot instead. I mean, believing me was really a sucker play.”
–*”Actress Ellen Barkin, you should have known when you married me, billionaire trophy wife collector Ronald Perelman, when I said “I love you ’til death do us part,” that given my history with divorces, in which the harpies have eaten me alive through my munificent alimony checks, I would not likely really be with you until death do us part, and that when I say I love you it is actually a fleeting chemical sensation and hormonal impulse–part of a yeasty mix of endorphins, the male posturing genetic traits of my gorilla ancestors in the subtropical forests, and the lubricant of unfathomable wealth that is the background for the attitude and style of our mating dance. You should have known this, actress Ellen Barkin, and for you not to have seen through it is just willful, stubborn, prideful female arrogance.
–*”Mommy, you should have known I would throw that cookie on the floor. I am only 2. Shit head.”
–*”People, you should have known I would lie to you. Being president means it is not exactly possible or desirable to tell the truth to people all the time, especially when they are the different constituent parts of a commonwealth who are all like selfish children who refuse to compromise or see eye to eye on anything.”
–*”You should have known when you were asking how my day went and I said “OK,” that it was just a manner of speaking and that my day is actually like something clumped to a buffalo’s ass and that I expect a certain amount of seclusion to deal with it and so, no, I didn’t really want to go to lunch with you.”
–*”You should have known when I said that I was “Joe Millionaire” that you are on a TV game show and that there is something disingenuous about having our love play out in front of a Fox television crew, the primary artifice of the whole affair likely being that I am not actually a millionaire.”
–*”You should have known that when I said I had cracked the Oklahoma City bombing case that I am Gore Vidal and that I have blown a lot of smoke up your ass in the past about things that turned out to not be the case.”
–*”You should have known that parts of my book “Roots” weren’t really true and that it was largely a work of fiction. I mean, obviously it would be hard to research a lot of that stuff.”
–*”You should have known that today’s “Beauty is Imperfection” blog might not have been funny. I mean, it’s hard to write every day, and “The Tudors” is on.”
Covering You With Oozing Podcast
Posted in Uncategorized on February 17, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Tuesday, May 27, 2008 )
Hey all!
What a couple of techno geeks are we now? Huh, mang? Get a load of our snazzy new “Retributioners” podcast downloads here:
↑ Grab this Headline Animator
Watch that we don’t destroy you with our awesome magical wonder twin powers!
(Actually, we don’t know what we’re doing yet. Stephanie says we’re taking it to the next level. Cross your fingers. … Is this thing on?)
[Editor’s note: If the original Feedburner link from this MySpace post is not working because of an issue with MySpace, trying clicking here.]
Did You Think This Screenplay Through?
Posted in Uncategorized on February 17, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )
Questions The Film Producer Has That The Screenwriter Didn’t Think Through
–*How are we going to get 100 little people* under water?
–*… with these SAG union rules?
–*Did you secure the rights to use the entire Led Zeppelin IV album during the romantic flashback scene?
–*Is it important to the script that a U.S. postal truck explodes in the background while the two actors are talking about their feelings on motherhood?
–*Have you thought through what would happen if our lead actress is naked in a tank of ice water for 30 minutes?
–*…and discussed it with the union?
–*How does one decorate an interior scene set in “Steve’s mind”?
–*Have you contacted a safety expert to be on set when the open bottle of Midol falls 50 feet from the sky and hits our lead actor behind the left ear at bullet speed?
–*Is it really necessary to put Merle Haggard in a dream sequence to announce the daughter’s first menstruation?
–*…because he’s really expensive and I’m not sure I get the symbolism
–*Have you really thought through the ramifications of landing a British harrier jet in one of the Finger Lakes during the deflowering scene?
–*Are you planning on green screening all of this?
–*Did you really think you could fill the U.S. Congress with water?
–*Are you not aware you can’t film children naked anymore?
–*Not even if they say they don’t mind?
–*Is there any reason that in this scene all the actors are covered in blue paint?
–*Did you budget in a 20-car pileup for this, which I highly doubt we could pay for given that this is a 20-minute Indie being paid for with grant money from the Shriners?
–*Did you not realize that you can’t disembowel a live cat anymore on film?
–*Not even on a boat with Liberian registration
–*…though maybe we could look into that.
–*…and pay a few extra bucks to the ASPCA rep on set.
–*Did you really get money for this script?
–*Have you ever thought of doing something better with that money? Like giving it to starving children?
–*Or Unicef?
–*Or Haiti?
If not, all set then. Our picture is a go!!!
*This post originally referred to little people with a word now considered to be offensive.
What’s On TV Tonight, May 26
Posted in Film & TV, tagged American Gladiators, American Idol, Foxworthy, Hannah Montana, History Channel, Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, The Tudors on February 14, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )
2 CBS
Sitcom: At the sound of the dulcet piano tones, the mediocrity will begin
2 ABC
Kelsey Grammer remains on celebrity welfare
4 NBC
American Gladiators: Female business consultant gets repeatedly kicked in the face as people without advanced degrees cheer on.
5 Fox
A big sucking vacuum where American Idol used to be
6 Bravo
A new fashion show: “Does This Really Look Good, Or Are You Trying To Turn Me Into A Little Bitch Boy?”
10 CNN
Larry King will meet the American Idol finalists and learn all about American Idol, whatever that may be.
12 CMT
Thus Spake Foxworthy
21 E! Entertainment Television
Denise Richards: It’s All Pretty Obvious
23 ESPN
Boxing: Middle Weights Race To Brain Damage
24 National Geographic
Mt. Everest Climbers Will Take Your Stunningly Bad Odds
25 A&E
A repackaged version of a bad 40-year-old novel by hack Michael Crichton that is sure to expunge the memory of the unreadable book
26 Comedy Central
Libertarians Telling Fart Jokes
27 Cinemax
Tyler Perry finally creates the remake of the Japanese pornographic castration classic In The Realm of the Senses that we’ve all been waiting for
28 Discovery Channel
Meet the Caribbean Indians who become paralyzed from the neck down so that you can eat at Red Lobster
29 History Channel
Would it be too much to ask for, like, one show on the Gothic migrations or something like that? Or do I have to sit through more nonsense like “Monster Quest,” a cryptozoology show that would be much better fare for a cable access show watched by guys with five foot bongs?
30 HBO
A movie in which we point the camera at Seth Rogan and hope that he’s funny.
31 HBO2
A movie in which we relive the 2000 Florida recount and hope that it’s funny
32 Showtime
With Anne Boleyn gone, “The Tudors” moves at a snail’s pace during its third season and we are treated to much grousing by Henry VIII about his leg ulcers.
33 Lifetime
“Sex and the Single Mom”: The arrival of Grant Show induces labor in pregnant single woman
42 Cinemax
Prehensile Attractions
43 Disney
Hannah Montana feeds your family, bitch. So why don’t you go get Hannah Montana a Diet Coke before Hannah Montana ends you.
Bill O’Reilly Dance Remix
Posted in Uncategorized on February 14, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Saturday, May 24, 2008 )
Brother Gene Justice sent this to me first. I passed it along on Facebook, but let’s not forget MySpace. For those of you who haven’t seen this, enjoy:
Beauty is Imperfection 