Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )

Questions The Film Producer Has That The Screenwriter Didn’t Think Through

–*How are we going to get 100 midgets under water?

–*… with these SAG union rules?

–*Did you secure the rights to use the entire Led Zeppelin IV album during the romantic flashback scene?

–*Is it important to the script that a U.S. postal truck explodes in the background while the two actors are talking about their feelings on motherhood?

–*Have you thought through what would happen if our lead actress is naked in a tank of ice water for 30 minutes?

–*…and discussed it with the union?

–*How does one decorate an interior scene set in “Steve’s mind”?

–*Have you contacted a safety expert to be on set when the open bottle of Midol falls 50 feet from the sky and hits our lead actor behind the left ear at bullet speed?

–*Is it really necessary to put Merle Haggard in a dream sequence to announce the daughter’s first menstruation?

–*…because he’s really expensive and I’m not sure I get the symbolism

–*Have you really thought through the ramifications of landing a British harrier jet in one of the Finger Lakes during the deflowering scene?

–*Are you planning on green screening all of this?

–*Did you really think you could fill the U.S. Congress with water?

–*Are you not aware you can’t film children naked anymore?

–*Not even if they say they don’t mind?

–*Is there any reason that in this scene all the actors are covered in blue paint?

–*Did you budget in a 20-car pileup for this, which I highly doubt we could pay for given that this is a 20-minute Indie being paid for with grant money from the Shriners?

–*Did you not realize that you can’t disembowel a live cat anymore on film?

–*Not even on a boat with Liberian registration

–*…though maybe we could look into that.

–*…and pay a few extra bucks to the ASPCA rep on set.

–*Did you really get money for this script?

–*Have you ever thought of doing something better with that money? Like giving it to starving children?

–*Or Unicef?

–*Or Haiti?

If not, all set then. Our picture is a go!!!