Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )
Hey all,
We put my film “S&M Queen For A Day” up on the “Funny or Die” site, the one that Will Ferrell is doing. Though you might have already seen the film here and on YouTube, please consider going over and watching it again on the new site to give it a “Funny” vote (rather than a “die” vote).
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )
I’ve noticed recently that marketers are making spam messages more personalized to get your attention. What are some of the more intriguing spam messages out there?
–*”Hey! I was just hittin’ people up on their profiles, and your site looked dope. Thought I’d rock the company with ya in my Jacuzzi if you want. Nothin’ serious. Just kickin’ it with some 420 and ma naked sistas. Chat me up, beaatch, on my chatline: Scabwhore8220.”
–*”Hey, I was cruisin the Myspace and saw your profile. Yo’ site is tight, cuz. <3s me some of yo tight buns. And I sure knows you’s down with the dope insurance policies I’s be sellin.” Das right. I got some stupid fresh term life for yo’ playa ass! So rock dat shit, beatch, and chat me up on ma chat line: Edmund@statefarm.com.”
–*Look, I’m sorry what I said. You were right and I was wrong. It’s just that sometimes the things you say can hurt, because it’s really what you’re NOT saying that makes all the difference.Your silence is deafening. And that’s why you have such a hold on my heart. Please, you. Don’t be a stranger. … And by the way, do you want some generic Ritalin? Hit me up at http://www.genericmeds.com/sally.”
–* “Yo, I was just checkin’ out your site and your music’s got mad flow, cuz. I’d hit that two times. Hit me up with some advice, quick like bunny at http://www.alcoholicseizure.net with some advice about my old lady. She’s gon’ die fo shizzle dizzle if you don’t call a ambyoolance, G.! Oh, and buy some Viagra. Word!”
–*Hey, your site looks like you’ve got depressed vagina syndrome. You should check out our online p.h.a.r.m.a.c.y. where you can score all the d.o.p.e. m.e.d.s. for your s.a.g.g.i.n.g. l.a.b.i.a at (meds.pharmacy.org@aol.com). :))))
–*Ur 2 sharp, mang. Luvs to share some Charlie and 8-ballz at yer place ifyawanna go4it. Feelin’ mental, mang. Love, your mom.
–*Hi there. I NEVER thought that I would have the courage to do this, but what the hay! I liked your profile, LOL. People say I am a cutie. And well built to boot. That’s why my user name is goodkisses87@yahoo. And because you seemed so cool, it seems like you would be a good person to buy a black market kidney from me. It’s totally refrigerated and everything. If you know anybody with end-stage renal disease, then you’ve totally got to take this monkey offa my back! This is totally not the kind of kidney that your body would reject. It’s just too good a kidney. So hit me up with somebody who is already sensitized to HLA and minor antigens if possible. Love, Kindra. Peace.
–*Hey you. I’m only saying this because you’re a good friend and you took a hit for me once. So I know you won’t mind if I tell you that 1,000 docs agree women like it longer. Don’t fear your small junk. Make a call today. Call Horst@peterpills.com.
–*Hey <<33’s your pic. You ought to add me at prisonfurlough138.net.
–*Hey, ma niggaz, I liked your profile and thought we could hang. We ought to talk some straight dope and 86 the game playin’, you know what I’m sayin’? Hit me up at “JohnMcCainforPresident@yahoo.com.”
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )
Top 10 New Medical Expressions
Nosocomical: a joke that’s only funny in a hospital
Iambic Hypoplasia: a stunted ability to understand Shakespeare
Super-coprophagialistic-expialidocious-the desire to play scatological sex games with an English nanny
Zoofroteurism-nonconsensual sexual rubbing against a woodland creature
Trichotillobotomy-a pulling of the hair until one’s brain splits in half
Postnuptial depression – the inevitable feelings of despair and dejection one feels after getting married
Bovine spongiform telepathy -the ability to move a mad cow onto the roof with your mind
Bradytachycardia-decreased heartbeat as a result of watching TV reruns
Toxospasmosis — blood poisoning that makes you uncool
Cephalalgia — what you call a headache if you’re a smart-ass know-it-all asshole doctor
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Saturday, January 19, 2008 )
Random Google Searches Today, Jan. 19
Economy + recession
“Economic collapse”
“Are we having an economic collapse?”
“Are we having having an economic collapse in Crawfordsville, Indiana?”
Mortgages
Mortgages and “in the toilet”
“What are mortgage-backed securities?”
“What are collateralized debt obligations?”
“Do we have collateralized debt obligations in Crawfordsville, Indiana?”
“Is my home owned by Arabs?”
“Arabs taking over the country”
“Arabs buying the ports”
Bush + Arabs + ports
Bush + Arabs + Dubai
Crawfordsville + housing + rentals
Crawfordsville + housing + Arabs
“Britney Spears”
“Jamie Lynn Spears”
Drinking + pregnant
“What happens if I drink while pregnant”
“What if I drink and do not know I am pregnant?”
“What if I smoke and do not know I am pregnant.”
“What if I do whippets and know that I am pregnant”
Crawfordsville + divorce
Crawfordsville + “divorce rate”
Crawfordsville + “divorce rate” + “state of emergency”
Crawfordsville + “divorce attorney”
Crawfordsville + “cheap divorce attorney”
Crawfordsville + “marriage counselor”
“Dr. Phil”
“Dr. Phil” + Oprah
“Dr. Phil” + Oprah + Britney
Oprah + single
“Is Oprah single?”
“Does Oprah own my house?”
“Who doesn’t own my house?”
Crawfordsville + “statutory rape”
Crawfordsville + “sex with students”
Crawfordsville + “sex with male student”
“Mary Kay La Tur No”
“Mary Kay Letourneau”
“Mary Kay LeTornneau” + happy
“Mary Kay LeTorneau” + hero
“Mary Kay Letourneau defense fund”
“in-home pregnancy tests”
“in-home pregnancy tests” + “statutory rape”
Crawfordsville + “bail jumper”
Crawfordsville + “bus schedule”
Posted in The Web, tagged MySpace, questionnaire on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )
I don’t spend enough time answering MySpace questionnaires. Probably because these are the kind of answers I would give:
1.How long do you spend in the shower?
An hour after I’ve killed a man.
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform.
Nipple clamps
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield.
A dead otter
4. Name something a man might buy before a date.
Dental insurance
5. What’s another word for blemish?
Supperating carbuncle
6. Name a food often cooked in the microwave.
Raw wolverine
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving.
Emotional baggage.
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman.
The protein
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Tells racist jokes
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for
A litmus test
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for.
Knowing all the words to “Bringing Sexy Back”
12. Name a phrase with the word ‘Home’ in it.
“Home is where I buried the bodies.”
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth.
A human-eating contest among a school of sharks
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day.
Give them a golden shower
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
His tears are washing the blood off his mouth
16. Name something found at a seance.
Spirits, ghosts, angels, Jesus, unicorns, Rainbow Brite, Jackie Kennedy, aliens and the Pillsbury Doughboy
17. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat.
A jail bird
18. Name something that gets folded.
Ben Folds Five. Manifolds. O.J. in prison.
19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it.
Courtney Love
20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it.
Life
*Note 2/5/26: I used to and sometimes still do use filthy sex talk as part of my work as a humorist, and sometimes that includes jokes about children and their rather silly understanding of sexual development. But given our sensitive age, one needs to make damn sure such jokes are funny. One of the original jokes here wasn’t funny enough to withstand repeated readings and has been changed.
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )
The stock market has tumbled 9% this year, and the Fed and the Bush Administration are trying to ward off ruin with new economic stimulation initiatives.
What was the progression of events that brought the economy down?
–*First, middle and low-income people decided to buy houses, not realizing that they were not good enough people to own houses.
–*When they went looking for money to borrow for those houses, they found willing help from lenders who didn’t care if you had bad teeth, a shitty car, a tattoo, eight illegitimate children, 10 credit cards, a smack habit, three plasma TVs, a hooker in Reno who still thinks you’re going to marry her … and most important, they didn’t care if you had never paid your bills in your life. If you were lucky, the mortgage closure process could be finished while you were still on the parking meter.
–*These bad loans were put into little tiny pies, cut up, and then passed around to hundreds of banks with their horrible monetary version of botulism inside.
–*Further spreading the horrible paralytic toxin around, these things fell into mutual funds, hedge funds and big cake-like structured bank loans until nobody knew what kind of shit they were eating.
–*Given all the spotty loans, banks looked at their balance sheets and said, “Hey, there’s no way we have this much money.” And then they began to draw lines through all of the little numbers as they tried to figure out how much money they might actually have. Then they began to fire everybody.
–*Because nobody now knows at this point in 2008 how much it should cost somebody to loan money to somebody else, the banks said, “Fuck it! Let’s not loan money to anybody!”
–*Meanwhile, all the nice people with tattoos and plasma TVs moved out of the new houses they shouldn’t have owned in the first place and moved in with their sisters and their sisters’ husbands. That left a lot of empty houses, which are now being rented as the prices drop like a whore’s knickers on VJ Day.
–*Now that people’s homes have fallen in price, they are now spending less money on discretionary items such as Nintendos, cars, furniture, Vuitton Bags, Miu-Miu sandals and insulin, and saving their money only for important things like chocolate and beer. This slows down manufacturing, increases unemployment and forces people to lose their child-like faith in total uninterrupted lifelong prosperity, security and happiness.
–*…after which time they usually blame the sorry sack of shit who happens to be president.
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )
Hey all,
Remember, you can watch “The Retributioners” on both YouTube and “Funny or Die,” Will Ferrell’s site for funny videos. If you go onto “Funny or Die,” please vote for us and keep us from “Die-ing.”
http://www.funnyordie.com/theretributioners
Stephanie is going to start posting her “Retributioners” blog simultaneously on both MySpace and, now for the first time, on Blogger. The Blogger Web site is here:
http://theretributioners.blogspot.com/
I might start doing something like this myself at some point in the future. Depending on how much traffic I get from you good people.
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, January 16, 2008 )
After much waiting, here is Episode 2 of “The Retributioners.”
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, January 16, 2008 )
Sound problems are frustrating our best attempts to bring you the new “Retributioners.” Shit! It looks good in the editing software, but the Quicktime compression is violating and suppressing all the music on the soundtrack. This didn’t happen last time.
God damnit! Any tech heads want to weigh in, feel free. Otherwise, this might be waiting until tomorrow.
Fuck, shit and onions!
Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )
“Duster” (the somewhat fudged, but nonetheless astronomically inaccurate lyrics of a very loud song, sort of )
by ER Salo Deguierre
I can see the full moon rise
And then Oklahoma City rise
Up a crack inside the windshield of my car
We can sing out the open windows
Or you can punch me in my nose
And I feel blessed
Keep driving west
And let it go
I’ve seen red furrows torn
By a plowman in the morning
Could a plowman be so vicious
To his own?
Could I smile in the rain
That calls me back
To a broke down burger shack
Where we used to say
Let’s smoke this day into the past
I could tear off my skull
And I’d still never have my answer
But a wish is father to nothing
As far as I know
But I don’t care if the sun don’t shine
That’s just how I weave my time
We’ll live again
Inside our heads one day I know
Fresh wind blows through the grass
Like a hundred guitars strumming
And I’m here embracing life
And smile at death’s coming
Beauty is Imperfection 