Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, April 23, 2008 )

Strange Democratic Party Primary Rules

After Hillary Clinton’s win of the Pennsylvania Democratic presidential primary, speculation has once again arisen that the race could be called by the super delegates, and many are further disgruntled that Florida and Michigan were stripped of its delegates because they violated party rules about election dates.

What other strange decrees appear in the Charter & Bylaws of the Democratic National Committee?

–*If there is no clear winner come time for the party convention in Denver in late August, the race will be decided only by Democratic voters in South Carolina, Nevada, New Hampshire and Iowa.

–*And these voters can vote for any candidate they want.

–*Even John McCain.

–*Or for a third George W. Bush term.

–*The number of delegates to each state will be allocable by population weight, and by that we mean literally by how fat they are. Which, ironically, would mean Michigan wins.

–*Hillary Clinton must respect the rules about early voting that she herself agreed to with smug overconfidence, even if that now means watching 186 tasty, yummy, sugary Florida and Michigan pro-Hillary delegates go swirling bye-bye down the toilet. How’s it feel being hoisted on your own petard, babe?

–*Delegates that might have put her in the lead, even after several straight losses.

–*Democratic Party leaders are allowed to freely and smugly engineer an unfair race in Florida without smirking or seeing any kind of irony in it.

–*New York and California and Texas and Florida, the largest states in the union, should not vote too early, lest their big populations turn this into an unfair popularity contest.

–*Unpledged superdelegates (known as PLEOs) should still be able to choose a nominee at his or her own prejudice, even if he or she were busted with a prostitute from South Jersey, and even if this prostitute was, according to most conventional biases and sound reasoning, a “6.” Like, you know. Kind of a “butterface.” As in, you know, “everything but her face.” You know?

–*Certain primaries will be considered only “show primaries.” Kind of like a Harlem Globetrotters game. This refers to any presidential election that takes place in Florida and also refers to the Democratic National Convention itself and probably pretty much the entire election.

–*If no winner has been picked by the time of the convention, then we can blame Hillary for bringing down the party at a crucial point in history, all for the sake of her own personal sense of entitlement and self-interest.

–*Jimmy Carter shall be kept sequestered at all times, preferrably in Gaza, which behooves his role as self-appointed pain in the ass.

–*Each chair and vice chair of each committee of the Democratic National Committee shall be of the opposite sex, because that’s how we roll.

–*Members of the Republican Party wishing to vote in the election to sabotage the results may do so with wild abandon, as we fiercely believe that people doing stupid, limited things to promote their own self-interest eventually causes everything to turn out OK in the end. I mean, that’s pretty much how America works.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, April 22, 2008 )

Showtime’s popular historical series “The Tudors” takes lots of liberties with the actual story of Henry VIII and the Great Matter of his first divorce and schism with the Catholic Church. What are some of the distortions the show has come up with in taking artistic license?

–*Though Henry VIII was a stud in his youth like Jonathan Rhys Meyers, by the time he started courting Anne Boleyn, he was already in his late 30s and likely starting to turn into an ulcerous fat fuck.

–*Henry was a giant husky type rather than a wiry, slithery type. That’s why he remained such a hug-a-bear after he started drawing, quartering and disemboweling everybody he ever loved.

–*Henry’s fetching younger sister was actually named Mary, and rather than marry the aging Portuguese king, she actually married the aging king of France, Louis. And rather than smother him to death with a pillow in their bedchamber, she more than likely fucked him to death.

–*The real Catherine of Aragon was a multi-talented princess of the Renaissance with a great mind who liked to laugh, whereas in the series she is some kind of rosary-saying, Crucifix-clutching Catholic robot whose dialogue seems to be written by machines at IBM.

–*Henry had an illegitimate son by his mistress Bessie Blount named Henry FitzRoy. Since all of Henry’s progeny were bastards at one point or another, FitzRoy could likely have been anointed heir to the throne at a crucial point, but luckily for posterity he dropped dead at age 17 of consumption.

–*Henry’s chancellor, Thomas Cardinal Wolsey, did not commit suicide, which would be a pretty fast-track way to hell for a cleric.

–*He was, however, guilty of simony, nepotism, graft, selling of indulgences, mass groupie fucking, and all the other things that made the Protestant Reformation the best reformation ever!

–*Nobody tried to shoot Anne Boleyn with a matchlock rifle out a window Lee Harvey Oswald-style during her coronation progress. Everybody did mutter under their breath that she was a scrofulous slut-bag, however.

–*Henry VIII did not write “Greensleeves,” whose stylistic inconsistency with the period would make it about as likely that he wrote Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart.”

–*Anne Boleyn didn’t rail on about idolatry–because like every other neurotic superstitious girl she had one of those weird Virgin Mary things that it took even heretics a long time to grow out of.

–*Anne’s brother George is seen in the show to be both a serious womanizer and a homosexual. This is confusing, but so is the history on the matter. It was the 1530s. Maybe you just had to be there.

–*Anne’s father wasn’t likely fomenting a vast court intrigue to gain power. It is more likely he turned his daughters over to the king simply because he was an obsequious douche bag who got some extra scratch out of it. “Here you go, king. I got ’em all warmed up for ye.”

–*What’s correct, however, is that if Catherine of Aragon had been a bit more fuckable, we would all be living in a very different world.

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(Originally posted Sunday, April 20, 2008 )

Top Secrets of American Idol Contestants

It was recently revealed that American Idol loser Kristy Lee Cook was proposed to by her boyfried several weeks ago. What other American Idol secrets are just now coming to light?

–*Pixie-like urchin David Archuleta doesn’t even like singing. He’s doing this all for his dad and he wishes it would just fucking end.

–*Michael Johns likes walking around Rodeo Drive wearing nothing but a Polo shirt so that his kibbles and bits dangle out and stop traffic.

–*Carly Smithson has fought for the cause of a united Ireland by personally killing several Sons of Ulster with her bare hands.

–*David Cook is a thrill-eater and enjoys hunting endangered species of dolphin to functional extinction.

–*Brooke White likes driving a “car,” a mobile device with a large carbon footprint that is slowly depleting precious oil reserves and destroying the planet. These items are sometimes made by a company called “Ford” and come in bright red, yellow and blue colors that appeal to Brooke’s infantile response mechanism.

–*Kady Malloy’s secret is that she is not remembered by anybody.

–*Syesha Mercado’s secret is that she thinks ganster rap music was a government conspiracy invented to encourage black people to kill each other. OK, not really. But wouldn’t that be pretty stupid if she did, Alicia Keys? I mean, wouldn’t that be a schizophrenia kind of stupid? Ms. Keys?

–*Jason Castro’s secret is that he is actually an 8-week-old American Cocker Spaniel.

–*Ramiele Malubay’s secret is that despite her diverse and rich ethnic heritage, having lived in a number of countries, she has still managed to become the most mealy-mouthed, uninteresting person on the planet.

–*Kristy Lee Cook’s secret is that she sold her horse to afford a trip to Philadelphia to audition for American Idol. (Which means, somehow, that a trip to Philly is more expensive than a barrel horse, which goes for $5000 to $20,000 — more expensive than a trip to Hong Kong, certain kinds of subcompact cars, and surgery to have your appendix removed. Too expensive for somebody who has already had one Arista contract and who has in the past had the capital to raise other horses as a business. Wow, does that story strike any of you as complete bullshit? Or does Philly really NOT love you back.)

–*Chikezie Eze’s secret is that he can sing you out of those panties.

–*David Hernandez’s secret is that the panties were already off when he got here.

–*And the final American Idol secret is that all of these people have already had record deals, and so your favorite show is a sham with a deck stacked full of ringers this year. Shame on you all.

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(Originally posted Saturday, April 19, 2008 )

A Bunch of New Lines From Diablo Cody’s Next Feature

–*Cut the gumsmack, li’l fry, I got a Hershey boner.

–*That ain’t no fingerpaint, you’re menarchin’ Tom Harkin.

–*Grab the candy, quick like bunny, and let’s Flo Jo.

–*Shut your cake flusher, Butternut, I’m tryin’ to whelp a dime bag from my fudge factory

–*Stop doing like Onan, Conan, you’ll go blind

–*When are you goin’ down on me, elevator face?

–*Oh my God, Frenchie, your tube snake never got a haircut?

–*You aren’t Speed Racer and I’m not a Mach 5

–*I’m an American, home slice. So ixnay on the waterboard, Augusto.

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(Originally posted Saturday, April 19, 2008 )

A List of Unasked Questions From the Philadelphia Presidential Debate That Were Cut For Time

–*Senator Clinton, people think you are not honest because you exaggerate things the way people do at a barbecue and don’t simply tell outright lies like Dick Cheney does. How can you countenance such evil embellishments?

–*Senator Obama, you have been seen buying the same Adidas products as Fidel Castro. Will you renounce him?

–*Senator Clinton, you have said that you want to protect the middle class. Would you say a middle class family makes $500,000 a year or $499,000 a year?

–*Senator Obama, you were in the presence of a reverend who once uttered “God damned America” from the pulpit. Would you, within your authority as head of the executive branch, damn America?

–*Senator Clinton, you have said that you are a lawyer. How do you explain being highly intelligent to those people who might not vote for you because they aren’t?

–*Senator Obama, you said that people cling to church in times of dissatisfaction with their government. Are you going to kill all the Christians?

–*Senator Clinton you are seen as handicapped in this race because you have so much baggage.

–*Senator Obama, you are seen as being handicapped in this race because you don’t have any baggage.

–*Senator Clinton, you are still in the race. But people want to know who will be the candidate right now. To what lengths will you go to destroy the Democratic party?

–*Senator Obama, your middle name is Hussein. Is that correct? Can you tell us why?

–*Senator Clinton, you are married to a man who was also president. Do you think you are a queen?

–*Senator Obama, do you think every rose has its thorn? How do you back up that claim?

–*Senator Clinton, you were married to Bill Clinton. Would you pledge to disassociate yourself from, distance yourself from or disown him?

–*Why not disown?

–*Are you sure not disown?

–*Senator Obama, you have said you’re trying to stay above the hot-button topics and get to issues that affect real people like jobs, health care and education. Tell us, do you think gays should be having lots of married gay sex in our country at all gay times?

–*Senator Clinton, you’re known as being a cold calculating, lying, unethical, soulless, supercilious, martinet harridan harpy who sold her soul and principles down the road a long time ago for a small crust of political power. That’s pretty much all true, right?

–*Senator Obama, you are trying to keep this campaign above the issues of race and bring us together as Americans. We want to know what you have to say to all the brothers out there.

–*Senator Clinton, you say you want to withdraw from Iraq. Do you plan on not keeping that promise early or on not keeping it late?

–*Senator Obama, small town America wants to know if you think you’re better than they are? Do you think you’re better than me?

–*Senators Clinton and Obama, one last question. How will you keep above the ceaseless piles of political mud and shit and piss that are political questions like these? Don’t answer all at once.

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(Originally posted Friday, April 18, 2008 )

Some of the dippier aphorisms that are being come up with by trained “therapists” on daytime television.

“I’m worried that people have too much outsight and not enough insight.”

“You don’t need IQ, you need Guy-Q.”

“Young women today need more peas and less her-pes.”

“Today’s girls want the bling-bling, but if they kill for it, they’re going to end up in Sing-Sing.”

“Look at us. We’ve got to stop doing the walk of shame and get back on the Segway of pride.”

“Don’t you see Jenna? He’s doing the money shot on your self-esteem, too.”

“You need to stop LOL and start GAFJ.”

“Sandy, you need to stop day-trading and start gay-baiting.”

“We’ve got to realize that THC is not TLC.”

“Hugs, not butt plugs.”

“Charlie, you need to get back on the oversize John Deere combine of life.”

“We’re on a shame spiral into the pit of the seventh circle of Beelzebub … posh argh spooelaoeiapoihpoehshshshshshh! gumwat gumwat chhhhrraaaaaaaaa…..”

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(Originally posted Thursday, April 17, 2008 )

Live Blogging the Democratic Primary, April 16

Live at Constitution Center in Philadelphia, the final debate between Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama before the Pennsylvania presidential primary.

8 p.m. Hillary and Obama come out of the gate swinging with talk of…

8:05 p.m. Oh wait, sorry. They’ve already stopped for a Taco Bell commercial.

8:10 p.m. But soon they’ve got the subject onto the substantative argument about subprime mortga….

8:11 But no! Obama is asked if he’s elistist. He says people cling to church and hunting when times are tough. This segues into a much longer discussion about whether people do or do not cling to church and hunting when times are tough. Senator Clinton says no. That’s a lot of ground we’ve covered.

8:12 It seems they’re going to talk about shipping jobs overseas when ..

8:13 Shit! They’re bickering about that whole sniper-Bosnia thing again. Hillary was not shot at by snipers, so she may have embellished a little. Right. “My bad,” says Hillary. “Little fib.” Not important, but let’s waste 10 mintues talking about it.

8:20 They seem to be just about to get off the Bosnia thing and talk about what’s going to happen with Iraq when …

8:21 Pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright comes up again. Yep. The minister made horrible remarks. There’s some confusion about whether Senator Obama “distanced himself from” or “disowned” the remarks. This was a semantic argument worthy of a whole hour of people’s out of work, homeless lives.

8:30 American Idol not on yet. Hillary seems just about ready to let the thing go about Jeremiah Wright, but then says … you know … it’s just like after 911, how could Jeremiah Wright say those things? Good. 9/11 has been covered.

8:31 There is some discussion about whether Hillary would have got up and left the church herself during Jeremiah Wright’s inflammatory 9/11 sermon or whether she would have demanded that all the congregants leave the church. An absolutely winning semantic arguement that took up a good five minutes of everybody’s non-American Idol television time.

8:32 Obama says that people’s inflation-adjusted income is going down while their expenses for things such as oil are going up. He is incensed that we are not talking about that but talking about faith.

8:33 A talk about faith.

8:34 Good idea. Since he can’t really solve the whole income-oil thing without a fuckload of unpopular taxes.

8:35 Sale at Penney’s. Too bad there’s no disposable income. Thanks, subprime loan borrowing white trash scumbags!

8:40 It seems the candidates are about to get back on the subject of health care, … but instead, no, they’re asked about being each other’s vice president? Please? America wants it. Housewives want it. Truck drivers want it. Farmers. Christians. Hold hands and be each other’s Veeps. Please. It’s just good television.

8:50 The candidates seem to want to discuss the Iraq situation, but instead are asked a completely pointless question about whether each thinks the other can beat John McCain. They both say yes. But maybe we should explore this more in depth. “Senator Clinton, do you REALLY think Barack Obama can beat John McCain. I wasn’t sure I got you that last time.”

8:55 Hillary promises no middle class tax increase and a withdrawal from Iraq. Barack says that he was the first to say there would be a tax cut. Charles Gibson asks them to cut the salami: Is the middle class tax cut going to be at those who make $250,000 or $200,000. Don’t talk to us in particulars any smaller than that. We couldn’t handle it.

8:58: Okay. All right … uh-huh….

8:59: Obama says you can’t save Social Security without hurting the middle class a little, but …

9:00 Too late. Idol. I hope that bitch Brooke gets kicked off.

9:30 Shit!

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(Originally posted Tuesday, April 15, 2008 )

A partial list of New German Cinema film titles, playing near you soon:

“Disemboweled by Despair”

“Cuckolded by Misery”

“In the Stranglehold of Blight”

“Eaten by Fear and Loss”

“The Soul Dies Last”

“Pestilence is my Bridegroom”

“Fate is a Perfidious Mistress”

“Drinking the Black Sperm of Destiny”

“Sunlight is My Oppressor”

“Gripped by the Black Hand of Iniquity”

“God, I Hope My Suffering Makes You Happy! ”

“The Love Bug And the Turkish Prison”

“The Horror! The Horror! ”

“Bearing a Baby Called Tragedy”

“Driver, Take This Cab to the Depths of the Soul!”

“Call My Taskmaster Pain”

“Donner Party Massacre — the Musical! ”

“Digested by Grief”

“I Can’t Be Mad At Your Perverse Purple Flower”

“Checking in at the Guard Post of Woe”

“Joy Is A One-Eyed Idiot Man-Child”

“Your Paradise is My Hell”

“I Wanted To Cry, But I Could Not”

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(Originally posted Monday, April 14, 2008 )

Eric’s Patented Two-Minute Film School

Hey kids, want to write a screenplay? All you’ve got to know is the structure.

Remember, movies are just a formula, and if you were to cut away the dialogue from “Wayne’s World,” “Citizen Kane,” and “Star Wars,” they would all look alike.

Get ready to quit your job, because after you read this, you’re going to be in Hollywood very soon, snorting coke off Maggie Trudeau’s breasts. Even if you’re a girl. All you need is these simple ingredients:

subject: the protagonist (an anti-hero lead character played by Jack Nicholson / a virginal saint played by Emily Watson / an angel played by Bruno Ganz)

action: goes through a profound life change by (quitting his or her job as a cattle husband / burying his dead foster parents / taking in an alien creature / getting a job as a taxi driver)

reason: because s/he’s got a guilty conscience about (his wife’s death / his dying father / his pregnant girlfriend / her daughter’s sexual precocity / his wounds from the Vietnam War / not cooking the best meal she, Babette, could for the mayor)

object: and s/he desperately wants (sex with Cybill Shepherd / his or her own little coffee shop / a decent public school system / money to drive to Canada / a reunion with her husband, an oil driller named Sven.)

complication: but the powers that be (Cybill’s boyfriend / a scheming mayor / an unregenerate id on two legs named Dolph / two security guards / mad cow disease / the hero’s own social ineptness)

vehicle: keeps the hero from getting (the money for a shop / entry into Cybill’s room / a boat out to the oil derrick / a decent hamburger).

the plan: so the protagonist employs the help of (a gimp named Ratso / a nail file / all his friends in the Rat Pack / Peggy’s Lee’s dress and a wig / his own social charm / the liquid heating ointment that his or her mother uses for her legs / an arsenal of weapons, including a .44, which could destroy a woman’s face)

transference: but, meanwhile, the hero is sublimating those feelings of guilt by (consorting with a teenage hooker / contriving an ill-advised face-off with Darth Vader / having sex with his mother / resisting Babette’s attempts to cook a grand feast / hurting the feelings of his new lover, Susan Anspach / sleeping with everybody in town)

catastrophe: and the character’s lack of self-knowledge drives him or her to the brink of ruin when (s/he contracts Herpes Simplex 10 / his or her close friend dies of a heroin overdose / The Gods begin to destroy Thebes / Lady Macbeth commits suicide / the hero knocks his television over and breaks it while watching “American Bandstand” / he gets sent away to a French boys’ home / Ophelia loses her mind / Darth Vader cuts off his or her hand.)

redemption: But then, the hero sees the light when (he decides to go on the methadone program / he decides to go back and finish his lessons with Yoda / he lets two guys who raped a nun go free because he is no better / she realizes that she could have gone back to Kansas all along / he decides to kill the president / she realizes that Babette’s cooking is pretty good / he jumps off a cliff after having sex with his mother, but doesn’t die / he throws a fight with a biker / he realizes that he’s made his pet elephant cry / he gouges out his eyes with needles.)

empowerment: After achieving self-awareness, the hero is finally able to (play the piano again / destroy the Death Star / get a job as a lathe operator / avoid having sex with his mother in the future / catch the real thief / make love to his girlfriend, the gun moll named Bonnie Parker / kill the heads of the Five Families / turn down Cybill Shepherd’s advances, since she was no good for him in the first place / believe in God and kill the vampires / avoid indictment for murdering a screenwriter).

the irony of bitter existence: But in the end, fate has its way, and we are all diminished, because it’s quite obvious that the hero is going to (abandon his pregnant girlfriend by the side of the road / get shot by accident in a scuffle with a low-level mob functionary / die in a car wreck in Czechoslovakia / continue producing Hollywood crap / become a prophet even though nobody will listen to him or her / always continue to think about having sex with his mother / never call his new French lover again.)

There you go. The mythic structure. All events taken from real movies. OK, mostly. Just mix and match these, and you can probably be finished with your script within an hour. And then it’s time to move to go West, young man!

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(Originally posted Friday, April 11, 2008 )

After more than a week of technical difficulties, MySpace has returned to normal and has allowed me back into the blogging game again in my normal channel. I hope people are still checking in. It was lonely here alone. Lonely and dark and gaseous.

Thanks for being patient. I hope you are still reading.

Again, here is the latest “Retributioners,” in case you haven’t seen it yet:

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