Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, April 19, 2008 )

A List of Unasked Questions From the Philadelphia Presidential Debate That Were Cut For Time

–*Senator Clinton, people think you are not honest because you exaggerate things the way people do at a barbecue and don’t simply tell outright lies like Dick Cheney does. How can you countenance such evil embellishments?

–*Senator Obama, you have been seen buying the same Adidas products as Fidel Castro. Will you renounce him?

–*Senator Clinton, you have said that you want to protect the middle class. Would you say a middle class family makes $500,000 a year or $499,000 a year?

–*Senator Obama, you were in the presence of a reverend who once uttered “God damned America” from the pulpit. Would you, within your authority as head of the executive branch, damn America?

–*Senator Clinton, you have said that you are a lawyer. How do you explain being highly intelligent to those people who might not vote for you because they aren’t?

–*Senator Obama, you said that people cling to church in times of dissatisfaction with their government. Are you going to kill all the Christians?

–*Senator Clinton you are seen as handicapped in this race because you have so much baggage.

–*Senator Obama, you are seen as being handicapped in this race because you don’t have any baggage.

–*Senator Clinton, you are still in the race. But people want to know who will be the candidate right now. To what lengths will you go to destroy the Democratic party?

–*Senator Obama, your middle name is Hussein. Is that correct? Can you tell us why?

–*Senator Clinton, you are married to a man who was also president. Do you think you are a queen?

–*Senator Obama, do you think every rose has its thorn? How do you back up that claim?

–*Senator Clinton, you were married to Bill Clinton. Would you pledge to disassociate yourself from, distance yourself from or disown him?

–*Why not disown?

–*Are you sure not disown?

–*Senator Obama, you have said you’re trying to stay above the hot-button topics and get to issues that affect real people like jobs, health care and education. Tell us, do you think gays should be having lots of married gay sex in our country at all gay times?

–*Senator Clinton, you’re known as being a cold calculating, lying, unethical, soulless, supercilious, martinet harridan harpy who sold her soul and principles down the road a long time ago for a small crust of political power. That’s pretty much all true, right?

–*Senator Obama, you are trying to keep this campaign above the issues of race and bring us together as Americans. We want to know what you have to say to all the brothers out there.

–*Senator Clinton, you say you want to withdraw from Iraq. Do you plan on not keeping that promise early or on not keeping it late?

–*Senator Obama, small town America wants to know if you think you’re better than they are? Do you think you’re better than me?

–*Senators Clinton and Obama, one last question. How will you keep above the ceaseless piles of political mud and shit and piss that are political questions like these? Don’t answer all at once.