Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, May 02, 2008 )

Power of Negative Thinking Aphorisms (Again, for T-Shirts and Coffee Mugs)

–*I am a loser and what everybody says is true.

–*Most of what’s wrong with the world is my fault

–*I am a joiner and have nothing new to offer

–*There’s nothing I can do with this day but bury it–like so many others–in the backyard of missed opportunities

–*Go ahead and victimize me, why don’t you?

–*You know you don’t want some of this.

–*I’m just using my nudity to get your attention even though I know it won’t last.

–*…on Suicidegirls.com

–*Chicks don’t dig me

–*I have body issues

–*I don’t always think things through

–*God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

–*…on Suicidegirls.com

–*This new heart drug probably won’t work

–*I’m looking for the wrong kind of love. And I’m going to get the wrong kind of love.

–*I didn’t do a blog yesterday. I’m such a fuck up.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, April 30, 2008 )

The New York Times rececently published a story about how much of the production of “American Idol,” including the reaction from the audience, is actually staged. What are some of the things that are not so authentic about the show?

–*Many of the contestants have already had recording contracts

–*The show regularly ships in local sorority sisters to place in front of the camera lines

–*These women are ordered to stand after every song

–*They must clap above their heads so that it can be seen

–*They likely fake their orgasms … of joy at seeing David Archuleta perform

–*…as well as the other kind

–*The studio is filled with “applause” prompts, as well as other prompts that instruct the audience to “sway to the music,” “scream,” “fake joy,” and “show us your tits.”

–*After giving a harsh criticism to a singer, judge Simon Cowell often patronizingly says “sorry.” He’s not really sorry.

–*Dolly Parton was a recent guest on the show. About 80% of Dolly Parton is not real.

–*Paula Abdul is not altogether there.

–*David Archuleta is not really that enthusiastic about being on TV, and is in fact being coached by his dad before each performance with a suspicious-looking kind of Scooby snack

–*The name of the show is “American” Idol, and yet one recent contestant was Irish and another Australian. A bit of an authenticity problem if you ask me.

–*The new set design makes the Idol theater look much bigger than it really is and makes Ryan Seacrest look taller than four feet.

–*The preteen girl who cried over Sanjaya Malakar last year was actually crying over ceasless wars and genocide and man’s inhumanity to man.

–*Andrew Lloyd Webber recently told David Cook to sing to him as if he were a teenage girl Cook was in love with. Lloyd Webber is not a teenage girl.

–*Lloyd Webber has been knighted in Britain and named a “life peer.” Peerage nobility is a relic of history that was rendered null and void by the “Rights of Man” and the concepts of the Enlightenment and thus has no place on the stage of “American Idol.”

–*The producers are rumored to hand-pick contestants for their entertainment value–not as singers, but as idiots.

–*And lastly, the joy that the show causes is ephemeral and will likely not last beyond your 16th birthday, unless you’re just watching it to laugh at it all like a total bastard.

–*Like me.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, April 29, 2008 )

Hey all,

My film “S&M Queen For a Day,” starring my beautiful wife Stephanie, has been accepted into the Oklahoma City deadCenter Film Festival. It will screen at midnight on Friday, June 13 at the IAO Gallery.

If you haven’t seen it already, you can view it here at “Funny Or Die.”

Since it’s in Oklahoma City, I ‘m not positive I’ll be able to attend yet, though my sister, an OKC resident, has been asking and asking and asking.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, April 29, 2008 )

…is back up at ER Salo Deguierre’s page. Though this isn’t his best production job, it’s probably the best song Salo has ever written, if I may speak for him.

Feel free to add Salo as a friend. Though he has only a few right now, Salo’s fans are the best fans in the world.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, April 29, 2008 )

New Power of Positive Thinking Messages For Mugs and T-Shirts

–*I do believe that with this vagina, I could go anywhere.

–*Everything that happens to me is not my fault because my life is totally in the hands of a vindictive Hebrew deity.

–*If he’s stalking me, I must be special.

–*Just because somebody wants to commit genocide against me, that doesn’t make me a bad person.

–*The greatest love is the love that comes from the inside … even if it doesn’t look like much when it sprays against the ceiling

–*I completely deserve this full-release massage.

–*It’s not my business what people think of me and my white supremacy eugenics theories.

–*My flesh-eating ebola symptoms are just a state of mind.

–*It’s not a pandemic, it’s a can-demic

–*I am not pond scum just because I host “The Insider”

–*A person should always be as optimistic as he can be. If he comes across a more optimistic person, though, he should kill him

–*I don’t have to listen when other girls, my mom, little children, dogs, cats, trees and my television call me a whore

–*No one weeps pus like I do

–*No other former escort with a Web site about Jesus has as many picture downloads as I do

–*I’m willing to risk happiness. The coffee cup and t-shirt told me to.

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(Originally posted Monday, April 28, 2008 )

Argh! Another day of work has kept me from blogging until the wee hours. Thus I invite you not to pay so much attention to me today as to go see what’s up at some of my friends’ blogs.

My friend Casey has a good one about being a mom in Texas: http://redneckmother.blogspot.com/

Her husband Chris has a blog about writing for the children’s book industry called “Bartography”:
see it here: http://www.chrisbarton.info/blog/blog.html

I have other friends with blogs I’m forgetting because it’s very early (late).

So now that I’ve been up copy editing all night, a quick list of the latest grammatical terms:

–*Dangling genitives

–*Back-formed non-count nouns

–*Run-on deictic pointing word fetish

–*The high-hat gerund misplacement

–*The oblong miscue

–*The oversexed phrasal adjective

–*The hostile “that”

–*The galloping “whence”

–*More “The and A”! More “The and A”!

–*Les Gallicisms

–*The full-frontal verb hedge

–*The diarrhea run-on clause

–*The serial comma cock block

–*The noble failure back formation variant

–*The throbbing inflection

–*The “why don’t you stick your head up your ass and bounce up and down until you disappear” diminutive suffix

–*The “I accuse you” German noun case

–*The blameless businessman passive voice

–*The “what me worry?” dative case

–*The “that’s what she said” elliptical dangler

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(Originally posted Saturday, April 26, 2008 )

2 CBS
“Cold Case”: The detectives tonight open up the case of Karla Faye Tucker and discover that a young man named George W. Bush let her fry on the electric chair in Texas so that he could rise to national prominence. Lilly whines about her drunk mother.

3 ABC
Movie: “Harry Potter and the Iranian Fatwa”

4 NBC
“Medium”: Allison knows how tonight’s episode is going to end, just like everybody else who’s ever watched television before.

5 Fox
“America’s Most Wanted”: Catching sexual predators is that much sexier when we have Miss America there to slap the cuffs on.

5 Fox
“America’s Most Wanted”: No really. They did that. Miss America.

7 Animal Planet
“It’s Me Or The Dog”: A Kansas wife refuses to watch “Melrose Place” with her husband’s homosexual Jack Russell terrier any longer.

8 CW
We don’t have Saturday night programming, so enjoy your local Indian bingo show. We’ll start you off … 16, 84, 92, 27…

9 Telemundo
“Shallow Hal”: Jack Black es un hombre superficial. Gwyneth Paltrow es muy gorda.

10 CNN
Jenny McCarthy’s on Larry King again, and by that I mean all over him like a redoubtable strain of mange

11 History Channel
Less history on the History Channel than ever

12 Hallmark
The last installments of the “Love Comes Softly” series: “Love’s Unending Legacy,” “Love’s Unfolding Dream,” and “Love’s Antibiotic-Resistant Syph”

13 Discovery
Mythbusters see if Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon could have had a son if they had just eaten more vitamin-fortified Wheaties. (TM)

14 DIY
Host Patrick Wayne teaches you how to make home-made pipe bombs from your kitchen sink and other household items to foment violent revolutionary overthrow in America.

20 E! Entertainment Television
The guy who played Screech deconstructs the Dana Plato death video … and other famous Celebrity “Oops!”

21 Disney
Movie: “Beethoven’s 4th.” Judge Reinhold is working?

22 A&E
You Got Non-Consensually Rubbed! (reality)

23 CNBC
Suze Orman: “What To Do With A Depressed U.S. Dollar? Wear It!” How to turn that old cash into a nice suit.

25 Cartoon Network
Those Amazing Labia Heads

28 Showtime
How Much Bodily Fluid Do We Have To Show You To Convince You That This Show Is Edgy?

29 CMT
“Bitch Took My Gun” (Reality)

30 Bravo
“Millionaire Matchmaker”

30 Bravo
“Adult Pathogen Finder”

40 HBO
Failure To Launch

41 Crosswalk
“Democracy Now: An Hour of Thumbsucking Activists”

42 Sundance
How sustainable could the audience for these ceaseless sustainable energy documentaries possibly be?

43 Cinemax
Mr. Oral Retentive Meets Busty McCo-ed

44 QVC
Luggage

45 Food Network
Rice

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(Originally posted Saturday, April 26, 2008 )

Beauty Pageant Titles You Don’t Hear About Often

Miss Periodontist

Pork Queen

Pork Princess

Miss Pumpkin Toss 2005

Miss Watermelon Fling 2003

Miss ‘Roid Rage

Miss AARP

Miss Military Industrial Complex

Miss IG Farben

Miss Trichotillomania

Miss Trench Foot

Miss Castration Fear

Miss Rain Scald

Miss Colic

Miss Backdoor

Miss Compulsion To Repeat

Miss Double Anal

Miss Male Lactation Drugs

Miss Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor

Miss Black Tar Heroin

Miss Man

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(Originally posted Friday, April 25, 2008 )

The Blogging
By Theodore Roethke

I wanted to blog but took my blogging slow
I had some musings today to write here
But I was walking around all day and couldn’t get home

I was not thinking but wondering, to which restaurant to go
I went for pan-Asian, but the place is no longer there (Fuck!)
I wanted to blog, but took my blogging slow

My cousin was visiting, so you can blame him (aiight?)
We went to The Beauty Bar for some ale and cheer
I was walking around all day and couldn’t get home

The light was running out but the Mac store was open
So it was for IPod shopping we had to go
I wanted to blog, but took my blogging slow

Great nature called us for what we needed to do
To say it plain, we had to pee somewhere, OK.
So we were walking around all day and couldn’t get home

That taxi cab home was way too expensive, I should know
But I rushed because the time for blogging was always near
So I now have blogged, but took my blogging slow
I was walking around all day and couldn’t get home until three in the … D’oh!

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(Originally posted Wednesday, April 23, 2008 )

Many people are asking why it is that Barack Obama has not been able to deliver the coup de grace that will finally clinch the Democratic presidential nomination for himself. Here are some factors, according to knowledgable pundits:

–*Obama has been seen as playing the race card by actually being black.

–*Blue collar voters don’t really connect with a man who comes from a broken home and was forced to move all over the place when he was young, and they much prefer Hillary, because even though she is a Yale-educated lawyer who sat on the board of Wal-Mart, she’s willing to patronizingly compliment them for their crazy gun-carrying, Bible thumping ways.

–*Obama’s name has been linked by the press to controversial minister Jeremiah Wright, former Weather Underground member William Ayres, to Nation of Islam head Louis Farrakhan, to Fidel Castro, to Charles Manson, to Humpty-Dumpty, to Richard III, to Rosa Luxemburg, to Darth Vader, to Jeffrey Dahmer and ….hey! Wait a minute! Who in the hell is doing all this “linking” anyway? Could it be …

–*John McCain, who a few members of the press might justly link to THE KEATING FIVE … if, I don’t know, they were being fair.

–*Obama is seen as inexperienced, and by that we mean, still dumb enough to hold onto any of the idealism that the Clintons must certainly have totally pissed out of themsevles by now.

–*Obama is seen as being not tough enough when it comes to fighting the Republicans, and by that we mean he hasn’t developed the audacity for making up totally empty slogans of bankrupt sophistry like “Why do liberals hate America,” “9/11 Changed Everything,” and “We must stop Islamofascism”–phrases that were invented only for children and idiots. Like Sean Hannity, who qualifies as both.

–*Obama can’t bowl. Which should immediately disqualify him from the contest.

–*It was not good enough that Obama tried to stay above the mudslinging in the Pennsylvania primary debate, when Hillary forced him into the “I’m rubber and you’re glue” type arguments anyway.

–*Many people have a lingering fondness for the peace and prosperity of the Clinton years, forgetting that the conservatives have ruined that happiness forever by giving us a war that will last a hundred years and that will certainly put a dusky pall on the regime of Clinton II, no matter how capable she may be.

–*… because we’re not leaving Iraq folks, no matter who is elected. Get used to that now.

–*People have a lingering desire to see a very capable woman elected president at this point in history, which could signal a very different and hopeful future ahead. Unfortunately that won’t happen when the woman in question is acting a lot like her childhood hero Richard Nixon in drag.

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