Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, April 30, 2008 )

The New York Times rececently published a story about how much of the production of “American Idol,” including the reaction from the audience, is actually staged. What are some of the things that are not so authentic about the show?

–*Many of the contestants have already had recording contracts

–*The show regularly ships in local sorority sisters to place in front of the camera lines

–*These women are ordered to stand after every song

–*They must clap above their heads so that it can be seen

–*They likely fake their orgasms … of joy at seeing David Archuleta perform

–*…as well as the other kind

–*The studio is filled with “applause” prompts, as well as other prompts that instruct the audience to “sway to the music,” “scream,” “fake joy,” and “show us your tits.”

–*After giving a harsh criticism to a singer, judge Simon Cowell often patronizingly says “sorry.” He’s not really sorry.

–*Dolly Parton was a recent guest on the show. About 80% of Dolly Parton is not real.

–*Paula Abdul is not altogether there.

–*David Archuleta is not really that enthusiastic about being on TV, and is in fact being coached by his dad before each performance with a suspicious-looking kind of Scooby snack

–*The name of the show is “American” Idol, and yet one recent contestant was Irish and another Australian. A bit of an authenticity problem if you ask me.

–*The new set design makes the Idol theater look much bigger than it really is and makes Ryan Seacrest look taller than four feet.

–*The preteen girl who cried over Sanjaya Malakar last year was actually crying over ceasless wars and genocide and man’s inhumanity to man.

–*Andrew Lloyd Webber recently told David Cook to sing to him as if he were a teenage girl Cook was in love with. Lloyd Webber is not a teenage girl.

–*Lloyd Webber has been knighted in Britain and named a “life peer.” Peerage nobility is a relic of history that was rendered null and void by the “Rights of Man” and the concepts of the Enlightenment and thus has no place on the stage of “American Idol.”

–*The producers are rumored to hand-pick contestants for their entertainment value–not as singers, but as idiots.

–*And lastly, the joy that the show causes is ephemeral and will likely not last beyond your 16th birthday, unless you’re just watching it to laugh at it all like a total bastard.

–*Like me.