Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, February 03, 2008 )

OK, sports fans. I’ll be sitting here giving you up-to-the second reports on the big game.

1Q 15:00 — OK, it’s kick-off. Already the women are nowhere to be found.

1Q 14:55 — Handoff to Jacobs starts left. Men running around screaming. I’m hungry.

1Q 13:10 — Manning calls an audible or a mandible. I’m completely at a loss.

1Q 12:18 — Two Patriots are hurt. A real patriot always is.

1Q 11:19 — Clothesline! Bulldozer! Blitzkrieg! Blood! Viscera! Oh, the humanity!

1Q 10:12 — Did you hear Katharine McPhee got married?

1Q 8:57 — An “I” formation. Bradshaw gets the first down! Do you think maybe Barack’s health care plan won’t work?

1Q 6:10 — Manning throws in the left flat. Giants take the lead! Oh, who is that grotesque Madame Lafarge woman screaming from the bleachers? Somebody stick her!

1Q 5:47 — Burress is double teamed! Another shotgun formation. What’s this orange stuff in my belly-button?

1Q 4:32 — Incomplete pass! Giants take the lead! I wonder if anybody would bring me Chinese food right now?

2Q 15:00 Touchdown! There’s corn beef all over my wife!

2Q 10:33 — This Giants drive is taking too long. Think I’ll fall asleep until they are on the next down.

2Q 9:31. — Sixty-three yards in 15 plays! Holy pus!

2Q 6:52 — Brady throws incomplete. Let’s line him up and shoot him in the back of the head execution style in front of his girlfriend Gisele!

2Q 5:52 — Welker crosses the middle. Welker turns up. That sounds dirty.

2Q 3:33 — Faulk gets popped. Pop Faulk! Pop Faulk!

2Q 1:00 — Do you want to punt or turnover? Hey! Those words mean something very different in the West Village!

Halftime Show: Jerry’s Kids sing a rousing version of “Boston Sucks,” “Boston Sucks,” “Boston Sucks.”

3Q 10:31 — Pats take over. Pats are better than hugs.

3Q 9:37 — The pass is incomplete underneath. I was rubbing her foot under the table for an hour and she didn’t get the signal.

3Q 6:25 — Ref says the Giants had too many men. Yes, many of us can be giants when we want to be.

3Q 5:25 — Lots of women will be flashing their boobs in Times Square right about now.

3Q 2:13 — Wa-a-a-a-y deep to Buress! You surely know how deep because of all the hyphens.

3Q 1:05 — “You’re covered in killer algae! You’re not going to get in the tub are you?” Sorry, wrong channel!

4Q 13:00 — McQuarters wants to receive, but it’s over his head. He must have his head in his McQuarters.

4Q 11:31 — Manning. Gun. Manning. Gun. Manning. Gun.

4Q 9:31 — Tyree gets the stool sample special.

4Q 8:25 — Several players are locked in a scrum for the ball. … Ewwww!

4Q 6:18 — Brady on a play-action pass, a pump fake, a brandy alexander cordial punt, an Oscar Wilde underhanded delivery, and a Long Island cock-knocker

4Q 5:18 — I can’t breathe!

4Q 4:14 — So THAT’s what Derek Jeter’s doing in his off season.

4Q 3:18 — Fred Robbins is banged up, so we respectfully wait to let him pass before the violence starts afresh.

4Q 2:15 — Pats take the lead. Time for a Pat-down, New York! Fuck you and the Statue of Liberty!

4Q 0:35 — What? The Giants take the lead with 35 seconds left? Am I sniffing glue? Dude!

4Q 0:10 — The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!

4Q 0:07 — I swallo ma tong…..

4Q 0:05 — SLAUGHTER SLAUGHTER KILL KILL MAIM CRUCIFY!

4Q 0:00 — The New York Giants wrest themselves back from the jaws of defeat and win! There will be lots of fucking going on in New Jersey tonight.

Thus ends the first and last sports edition of “Beauty is Imperfection” that you will ever read. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of shouting outside my Manhattan window right now. My wife and I are hungry after looking at apartments all day and hope the brokers are available to help us again now that this gridiron football business is over.

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(Originally posted Sunday, February 03, 2008 )

“Entertainment Weekly” magazine recently did a report of the worst movie lines ever, which included, “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her,” from “Notting Hill.” But were those really the worst? Take some of these, for example.

“I’m not fit to be president, Dick. I’ve let you down, and I’ve left myself down.”

“You’re all I’ve got left in the world, Liza, except for the naked mole rats.”

“You dropped a deuce on me, Stingo.”

“This vagina doesn’t run on double A batteries, you know!”

“I’m just a gay man, standing in front of a straight woman, asking her to marry him for immigration purposes.”

“Your skin is so soft and smooth, like a chinchilla.”

“Hold me like you did on that galactic sewage vessel.”

“I’m not just giving this enema to you, but to all the lonely 50-year-old men trolling through Times Square tonight, Joe.”

“Love knows no boundaries, Loretta, not even between a father and daughter, and not even if they’re physical and societal taboos.”

“Cody! You are the wind beneath my jockstrap.”

“If we had just one night on Earth, and society understood, and you were not an athlete with cancer, and we were not both men, I would kiss you with all the passion that our love begets.”

“Curious George! That’s not a banana!”

“Don’t write checks that your anus can’t cash.”

“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and my parents are invited.”

“Ha! Idiot Earthlings! You know not the power of Xenu’s smiteful rapier!”

“Hey, guys, let’s make a pact to lose our virginity at camp this summer.”

“We can’t shoot him now! He’s got a Fielding Medal in mathematics.”

“I love your incisive, penetrating, genocidal mind, Franjo!”

All right, so I made them all up! Be creative, and post a few yourselves, gringos!

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(Originally posted Saturday, February 02, 2008 )

Ridiculous Neighborhood Names Contrived By Real Estate Agents in Their Tiny Offices Somewhere To Make You Buy Property

SoZo — The hot hip property south of the Green Zone in Baghdad

NoQuaSpaHa — Not Quite Spanish Harlem

SoCo — Congress Ave. south of the river in Austin, Texas

EaBelsterRo — East of the Ulster Unionist Parade Route

WeLoBo — West Long Beach

SoOK — South Oklahoma City Heights

DamBo — Down underneath the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit

NoCoWePro — Not Compton, We Promise

EaSoFla — East South Flatbush, but not Flatbush we promise

SoWatts — South Watts

TriBeGaz — the triangle south of Gaza where you can get luxury accommodations but mainly food and water

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(Originally posted Friday, February 01, 2008 )

2 CBS
Forensic show … “must beat the clock” … safe house … ambush … desperation … “forced to drink blood” (repeat)

2 CBS
More gross forensic shows with incest, cannibalism and mummification acts that somehow don’t bother the FCC as much as buttocks, nipples and nut sacks.

4 NBC
NBC relives the best moments of the ongoing writer’s strike, in a variety show featuring repeats of repeats

5 ABC
Jimmy Kimmel sits there and does nothing while his girlfriend emasculates him

7 Fox
Dr. House is a cool customer, but let’s see how he deals with a talking spleen.

13 PBS
Bill Moyers is the conscience of America. And who in the Hell would want to watch somebody like that?

23 E! Entertainment
Which Of Hollywood’s Sexiest Young Stars Will Be Dead In Five Years?

23 E! Entertainment
President Bush orders Michelle Williams to break her silence about Heath Ledger so that the country can move on.

25 Animal Planet
Orangutans Giving the Finger, Remembered

26 CMT
Hunters remember the first time they were shot in the face by their buddies in the woods. Ted Nugent is your host.

27 ESPN
Full Contact Chess

28 History
The History of Penetration

29 Vh-1
This week on “Rock of Love,” Bret Michaels re-enacts the Yale University Milgram experiments by ordering contestants to torture each other with electric clamps.

30 BET
Lena Horne featured for two minutes in a film whose title has the word “Booty” in it.

32 MSNBC
Progressive award-winning journalist Amy Goodman can’t believe she’s sitting here talking to these idiots about this absolutely bug-eyed stupid shit.

42 Fox News
Bill O’Reilly: The Quickening

50 HBO
The Bourne Identity

51 Cinemax
Tastefully Photographed Boinking

52 Sundance
It’s Dissent Week Here On Sundance, Featuring 24 Hours of Filibustering from Noam Chomsky

53 Bloomberg
Something is up a quarter and something else is down 3/8ths of a percent, and the anchor is wearing a pretty blue tie and it’s all a strange, alienating kind of scary reality here.

57 Disney
Remembering the dark history of American slavery with host Herbie, the Love Bug.

58 Showtime
Sexual water sports would take this hip show to the next level.

59 Headline News
An engaged public would take this presidential election to the next level.

60 CNN
Larry King stars in a remake of “Flowers for Algernon.” Or at least that’s what it seems like watching him interview people sometimes.

61 TMZ
Britney Kill Britney Kill Britney Kill

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 31, 2008 )

John+McCain

John+McCain and Florida

John+McCain+traitor

John+McCain and “traitor to conservatives”

Rush+Limbaugh+frothing+mouth

Hillary+Clinton and “spat”

Hillary+Clinton and “spat with Obama”

Kim+Kardashian+nude

“Barack Obama” and “Kim Kardashian”

“Who is Kim Kardashian voting for?”

“Is Kim Kardashian voting?”

“Is Kim Kardashian engaged?”

“Sex tape”

“Where can I find the Kim Kardashian sex tape?”

“video store” and “Buffalo, New York”

“Who is Grover Norquist?”

“Grover Norquist”+frothing+mouth

“Grover Norquist” and “tax reformer”

“Grover Norquist” and “sex tape”

“Rudy Giuliani” and “conservative vote”

“Mitt Romney” and “conservative vote”

“Mike Huckabee” and “lived in an outhouse”

“Chuck Norris”+Nascar+Huckabee+outhouses

“Why do conservatives hate Giuliani?”

“Why do conservatives hate McCain?”

“Why do conservatives hate?”

Romney and Huckabee and “divide conservative vote”

“Are Romney and Huckabee dividing the conservative vote?”

“Are outhouses and Nascar dividing the conservative vote?”

“Is Kim Kardashian’s butt fake?”

“Is Hillary Clinton a lesbian?”

“Are lesbians trying to kill conservatives?”

“Are lesbians trying to kill me?”

“Is John McCain trying to kill me?”

“Buffalo, NY” + Thorazine

“Where do I find Thorazine in Buffalo, N.Y.?”

Buffalo+New York+”bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 30, 2008 )

A few quotes we could expect if campaign promises were more honest:

–*”As president, I vow to fight with Congress in an autocratic style and run roughshod over my base so that they fail to support me on big issues, thus making it possible for the Democratic Congress to eat my lunch every day. I’ll win some points, however, by bombing somebody and dispatching 300,000 soldiers to capture Osama Bin Laden. And I’ll bring absolutely nobody home from Iraq.” –Rudy Giuliani

–*”As president, I vow to blow my first few months of good will on symbolic domestic policies that anger fire-breathing Republicans and make up for it by coming up with a health care plan that has no way of working. I will slowly phase out troops from Iraq and then watch it fall like Saigon. Then I’ll bomb somebody to raise my standing in the polls. — Barack Obama

–*”As president, I will push a universal health care plan through that requires everybody to pay in and come up with a rational immigration plan that angers conservatives. However, I will make up for this by building a completely laughable border fence that no one will have any problem getting over and yet will miraculously be acceptable to dummies. I will also mollify conservatives by arming all law enforcement officials with Glocks, and of course, I will be bombing people to show I have a dick. And of course, I won’t be moving any troops home at all.”–Hillary Clinton

–*”As president, I will overcome my lack of understanding about economic matters by following a dimunitive version of what George W. Bush was doing, which was already a dimunitive version of what Ronald Reagan was doing, which is screwing over the working man and somehow making him love me for it. Of course I will be bombing people, too. And nobody comes home from Iraq.”– John McCain

–*”As president, I will bring all the troops home from Iraq, causing another fall of Saigon that we can all watch on television. Then I will reinstate the capital gains tax, the dividend tax, the alternative minimum tax, the estate tax and probably create a tax on cars, cigarettes and light bulbs. Everybody will have doctors treat them for free, like in Canada. And we will go back to pre-Ronald Reagan tax levels. What’s Wall Street going to do? Move to China?” –Dennis Kucinich

–*”As president, I will be focusing on domestic programs to revitalize poor areas, and I’ll be doing this by putting back taxes that nobody even ever asked to be gone–like the estate tax. What the hell do you think we pay for wars with, people? And of course I will bomb somebody.” –John Edwards

–*”As president, I will move toward faith-based initiatives, but only in my first few years, and in my last few, I’m going back to being a liberal and taking back everything I said to make the dumbest of you conservatives like me. And of course, I’ll be bombing people.” –Mitt Romney

–*”As president, I will make divorce illegal, homosexuality illegal and will demand that “Star Trek” be put back on the air.” –Alan Keyes.

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