Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, January 30, 2008 )

A few quotes we could expect if campaign promises were more honest:

–*”As president, I vow to fight with Congress in an autocratic style and run roughshod over my base so that they fail to support me on big issues, thus making it possible for the Democratic Congress to eat my lunch every day. I’ll win some points, however, by bombing somebody and dispatching 300,000 soldiers to capture Osama Bin Laden. And I’ll bring absolutely nobody home from Iraq.” –Rudy Giuliani

–*”As president, I vow to blow my first few months of good will on symbolic domestic policies that anger fire-breathing Republicans and make up for it by coming up with a health care plan that has no way of working. I will slowly phase out troops from Iraq and then watch it fall like Saigon. Then I’ll bomb somebody to raise my standing in the polls. — Barack Obama

–*”As president, I will push a universal health care plan through that requires everybody to pay in and come up with a rational immigration plan that angers conservatives. However, I will make up for this by building a completely laughable border fence that no one will have any problem getting over and yet will miraculously be acceptable to dummies. I will also mollify conservatives by arming all law enforcement officials with Glocks, and of course, I will be bombing people to show I have a dick. And of course, I won’t be moving any troops home at all.”–Hillary Clinton

–*”As president, I will overcome my lack of understanding about economic matters by following a dimunitive version of what George W. Bush was doing, which was already a dimunitive version of what Ronald Reagan was doing, which is screwing over the working man and somehow making him love me for it. Of course I will be bombing people, too. And nobody comes home from Iraq.”– John McCain

–*”As president, I will bring all the troops home from Iraq, causing another fall of Saigon that we can all watch on television. Then I will reinstate the capital gains tax, the dividend tax, the alternative minimum tax, the estate tax and probably create a tax on cars, cigarettes and light bulbs. Everybody will have doctors treat them for free, like in Canada. And we will go back to pre-Ronald Reagan tax levels. What’s Wall Street going to do? Move to China?” –Dennis Kucinich

–*”As president, I will be focusing on domestic programs to revitalize poor areas, and I’ll be doing this by putting back taxes that nobody even ever asked to be gone–like the estate tax. What the hell do you think we pay for wars with, people? And of course I will bomb somebody.” –John Edwards

–*”As president, I will move toward faith-based initiatives, but only in my first few years, and in my last few, I’m going back to being a liberal and taking back everything I said to make the dumbest of you conservatives like me. And of course, I’ll be bombing people.” –Mitt Romney

–*”As president, I will make divorce illegal, homosexuality illegal and will demand that “Star Trek” be put back on the air.” –Alan Keyes.