(Originally posted Thursday, November 08, 2007)
I just want to say happy anniversary to my wife, who I love more than anything. We’re in the movies, baby!
Archive for January 27th, 2009
Happy Anniversary!
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
Questionable Professional Marks
Posted in Business and the Economy, tagged certified, funny, Professional designations on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, November 07, 2007)
What Really Dubious-Sounding Professional Service Marks Are We Using to Sound More Legitimate?
Certified Professional Retirement Mentor (CPRM)
Certified Open Relationship Counselor (CORC)
Certified Insurance Wizard (CIW)
Certified Guy Who Helps Old People With Their Taxes (CGWHOPWTT)
Certified Food Expert (CFE)
Certified Sniffer (CS)
Chartered Financial Enthusiast (CFE)
Registered Breather (RB)
Licensed Match Maker for Women Over 50 (LMMW50)
Certified Professional Insurance Specialist for Tango Accidents (CPISfTA)
Certified Doctor of Erotic Massage (CDEM)
Juris Doctor of Love (JD.L.)
Certified Full-Body-Work Therapist (CFBWT)
Certified Cunnilingus Quality Control Technician (CCQCT)
Certified Real Estate Wood Cordage Appraiser (CREWCA)
Registered Fellatrix (RF)
Certified Spotter of Jewishness in Hot Guys (CSJIHG)
Certified Internet Mortgage Locator (CIML)
Licensed Tire Shaver (LTS)
Registered Toad Licker (RTL)
Accredited Life Experience Communicator (ALEC)
Professional Real-Doll Wrangler (PRDW)
Certified Cross-Border Adoption Mercenary (CCBAM)
Official Crashing Bore (OCB)
What Did You See?
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Tuesday, November 06, 2007)
What You Saw Last Night While You Were On Drugs
–*Pink elephants
–*Morley Safer in a boa doing a sexy lap dance
–*The entire text of the Koran printed on the head of a pin, and yet somehow completely legible to your drug-addled eyes
–*The lava lamp, because you didn’t have the imagination to be looking at anything else
–*Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” because it makes more sense that way
–*”2001: A Space Odyssey,” by Stanley Kubrick, though the last 20 minutes still don’t make any sense, even after drinking morphine straight from the bag
–*Third-quarter tax forms with a large itemized deduction section
–*God, while listening to the drum solo on Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” sped up to 78 rpm
–*Cute little dormice with high voices recreating the rape of the Sabine women
–*Christ giving a mani-pedi to the feet of the apostles
–*Nothing. Drugs, for some unhappy reason, don’t do anything for you.
The Retributioners Trailer
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, November 05, 2007 )
My wife and I have put up the trailer for our new Web series, called “The Retributioners.”
You can get a sneak peek here.
Political Biographies
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, November 05, 2007)
A slew of new biographies and autobiographies from the 2008 presidential candidates will soon be hitting the bookshelves as the campaign continues to heat up. Here are some of the titles you can look forward to:
“A Mere Thimbleful of Faith” by Barack Obama
“The Last Cockfight: The Bill Richardson Story”
“I Abstain: The Mitt Romney Story”
“Shambling For the Lobbyists: The Sexy Lassitude of Fred Dalton Thompson.”
“Chasing an Ambulance and a Dream,” by John Edwards
“If Only I Could Remember My Name,” by Tom Tancredo
“Without Borders. No, I Mean Literally, Let’s Have No Borders: The Ron Paul Story.”
“With Only $38 to My Name,” by Dennis Kucinich
“This Itch Will Grow,” by Christopher Dodd
“I Only Represent Angels and Morons,” by Mike Huckabee
“Winning Unfathomable Power Through the Skillful Duplicity of Your Womanhood,” by Hillary Rodham Clinton
“There Are No Gays On Star Trek,” by Alan Keyes
“A Maverick is Someone Who Chains Himself to a Sinking Ship,” by John McCain
“How To Be The Smartest Guy In the Room (And Yet Mostly Be Known For Your Fuck-Ups)” by Joe Biden
“If They Don’t Like It, They Can Suck On It,” by Rudy Giuliani
“If You People Thought About the Ramifications of My Agenda For Two Seconds, Rather Than Just Voting For Me Because It Seemed Cool, You’d Run From Me Like a Plague of Locusts: The Ralph Nader Story”
What We’re Revealing …
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Sunday, November 04, 2007)
Things You Probably Didn’t Need To Be Revealing On Your MySpace Blog
–*The thing about your bladder infection
–*How many bitchez you banged who were supposed to be dating your “friendzzz”
–*”Yeah that new partner in corporate litigation, I wanna hit that nappy dugout TWO times!”
–*How your skin smells like acid and your teeth are rotting, all because of the crystal meth
–*How you took the crystal meth in the first place
–*Your affiliation with the Nazi party
–*How you like to use your position as a U.S. Senator’s aide to run a totally awesome check kiting ring
–*The Warrant Cherry Pie tattoo you put on your six-year old
–*The 18 hours of mind-blowing, transplendent man-boy love you had last night
–*The name of the smoky bar where you were nursing your baby
–*What you did in those pornographic films before you converted to Christianity
–*Where you’re hiding that child support money
–*How you totally plagiarized your essay on Dick Cheney for “The New Republic” and how those arrogant putzes will never find out
Presidential Election Strategies
Posted in Politics, tagged campaign ads on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Sunday, November 04, 2007)
In the era of podcasts, YouTube and MySpace, presidential candidates are finding more innovative ways to connect with voters than they have in the past. What are some of the more promising strategies for you if you’re a candidate?
–*Doing the Macarena on the Ellen DeGeneres show
–*Showing your environmental sensitivity by tattooing your campaign logo on every dolphin
–*Having a widely dispersed sex tape
–*Making an example of communal living and radical self-expression at the Burning Man festival by “campaigning” with conceptual art “buttons” and “bumper stickers”
–*Putting up a cry for help on YouTube that being a candidate totally sucks and you can never say what you really want and that you’re stuck in your room all the time while your staff keeps you locked in, crying and lonely and detached from reality
–*Penning an autobiography in prison that clearly states your mission and why you got into politics, calling it “The Little Red Book” or “My Struggle”
–*Being the subject of a viral video in which you are attacked by a feral cat or kicked in the testicles
–*Wallowing in your last-place status by telling the truth about how America is going to be a mostly Hispanic country in 100 years, and how this is just a simple demographic reality, and so we might as well start learning the god damned language now
–*Wallowing in your last-place status by suggesting we stop using the abomination known as the “automobile”
–*Appearing as an authority figure in the “High School Musical” series and singing a song called, “Pull Yourselves Up By The Bootstraps, Kids, Because You’re Likely Not Going To Be Able To Retire”
–*Answering to Bill Maher; you must answer to Bill Maher.
What IS That?
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Thursday, November 01, 2007)
Top 11 Things We Think We Just Found On The Floor, Though We’re Not Sure
–*Cat vomit
–*A pile of Alpo
–*The last bits of a half-eaten mouse
–*A miniature scale model of the Taj Mahal
–*Charred remains of Hillary Clinton’s lost Whitewater records
–*What’s left of Jimmy Hoffa
–*What’s left of last night’s mahi-mahi
–*A half-formed golem, the animated being that is created from inanimate matter in Jewish folklore, but only half-formed in this case since it’s not quite walking or talking
–*Tiny Elvis
–*An old nicotine patch
–*The evidence that could get you hanged
Federal Reserve Interest Rate Cuts
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, October 31, 2007)
The Federal Reserve Board today cut short-term interest rates by a quarter point to 4.5%, after having already reduced them by half a point less than two months ago. This move, which will make borrowing cheaper, is meant to boost a worrisome economy, and it was cheered by investors, who sent the stock market rallying.
What were some of the reasons for the cut?
–*Wall Street people like easy women and easy money.
–*Most people don’t really appreciate the little things in life, like milk. Thus the Fed’s moves will cause the price of things like milk to skyrocket so you will appreciate them more.
–*The Fed’s cut is very responsible, because it’s like the Trump Taj Mahal generously lending you more money after you’ve already burned through $10,000 at the roulette wheel.
–*Many investments reward you for taking more risk. Of course, Americans are babies and also like to be rewarded when things go horribly wrong.
–*With the lower interest rates, merger deals should start flowing again, allowing small groups of savvy takeover artists to raid the cash of the companies you’re putting your money into.
–*The rate cut serves the needs of a growing shareholder class, one separated from the dirty people who run the machines, teach, and help the sick.
–*Easy borrowing means more money flows, and thus the dollar becomes weaker. And that means the Chinese have extra incentive to step up and buy more of our cigarettes, Xboxes and Julia Roberts DVDs.
–*The “Trickle-Down” Theory postulates that nobody can be truly happy until greedy scumbags are happy first.
–*The subprime mortgage crisis, after all, is really the fault of poor people, and so why should investment banks suffer by not being able to sell their horrible suitcases full of shitty debt?
–*Rich people loaning money to each other at a furious pace is what made this country great.
–*Nobody wants to hear that scary Jim Cramer guy throw another temper tantrum on CNBC.
–*The “dollar” is so five minutes ago.
Halloween Special: Celebrity Phobias
Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, October 31, 2007)
“The 9” on Yahoo! recently devoted a segment to what celebrities are afraid of, reporting that Oprah Winfrey is afraid of chewing gum and Johnny Depp is afraid of clowns. Here are some other surprising discoveries.
–*German Nobel Prize winning author Gunter Grass is terrified of beef jerky
–*Actress Uma Thurman is afraid of the letter “Q”
–*Winona Ryder is terrified of Delftware
–*French President Nicolas Sarkozy is frightened of blue water in the toilet bowl
–*Paris Hilton is afraid of large men stepping on ducks
–*Ethan Hawke fears vestigial tails
–*Chuck Norris turns pale at the sight of fat men wearing little coats
–*Billy Bob Thornton gets the heebie-jeebies seeing Hasidic Jewish men wearing nothing but towels
–*Angelina Jolie is terrorized by paisley
–*Jade Jagger’s spine tingles at the sight of little people* riding bicycles
–*Christian Bale cowers at beautiful female members of the German Red Army Faction starring in pornographic movies
–*Christina Ricci is afraid of talking margarine bowls
–*Britney Spears fears the runes on the cover of Led Zeppelin IV
–*Carol Channing is horrified by isosceles triangles
–*Nick Nolte is afraid of the words “I love you” written in Japanese kanji script
–*Danny DeVito fears rapidly rising fizz
–*Michael Jackson runs at the sight of afterbirth
–*Courtney Cox’s hair rises at the sight of cartoon fish drawn to look like Don Knotts
–*Ron Howard turns tail at the sight of sponges
–*Omar Epps is horrified by ejaculated blood after a catheterization
–*Rachael Ray fears the Hindenburg disaster
–*And Dame Judi Dench is scared shitless whenever she hears dolphins talking in sonar
*This post originally used a word for little people that is now considered to be offensive.
Beauty is Imperfection 