(Originally posted Wednesday, October 31, 2007)
The Federal Reserve Board today cut short-term interest rates by a quarter point to 4.5%, after having already reduced them by half a point less than two months ago. This move, which will make borrowing cheaper, is meant to boost a worrisome economy, and it was cheered by investors, who sent the stock market rallying.
What were some of the reasons for the cut?
–*Wall Street people like easy women and easy money.
–*Most people don’t really appreciate the little things in life, like milk. Thus the Fed’s moves will cause the price of things like milk to skyrocket so you will appreciate them more.
–*The Fed’s cut is very responsible, because it’s like the Trump Taj Mahal generously lending you more money after you’ve already burned through $10,000 at the roulette wheel.
–*Many investments reward you for taking more risk. Of course, Americans are babies and also like to be rewarded when things go horribly wrong.
–*With the lower interest rates, merger deals should start flowing again, allowing small groups of savvy takeover artists to raid the cash of the companies you’re putting your money into.
–*The rate cut serves the needs of a growing shareholder class, one separated from the dirty people who run the machines, teach, and help the sick.
–*Easy borrowing means more money flows, and thus the dollar becomes weaker. And that means the Chinese have extra incentive to step up and buy more of our cigarettes, Xboxes and Julia Roberts DVDs.
–*The “Trickle-Down” Theory postulates that nobody can be truly happy until greedy scumbags are happy first.
–*The subprime mortgage crisis, after all, is really the fault of poor people, and so why should investment banks suffer by not being able to sell their horrible suitcases full of shitty debt?
–*Rich people loaning money to each other at a furious pace is what made this country great.
–*Nobody wants to hear that scary Jim Cramer guy throw another temper tantrum on CNBC.
–*The “dollar” is so five minutes ago.
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