Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, June 05, 2008 )

More Back-Handed Compliments

–*You’re going to make some girl in New Jersey a wonderful husband.

–*Your documentary was very well thought out toward the middle.

–*Your clever, smart-ass sassy movie dialogue is refreshingly unambitious after a while, Kevin Smith.

–*You are certainly well-meaning for somebody who acts out of untoward aggression toward his neighbors

–*Your skin has the most beautiful greenish shine.

–*You certainly have a way of getting an already angry mob even more riled up with your inflammatory, demagogic rhetoric.

–*Your plain-spoken manner bespeaks a simpler time–the kind of time when there were lynch mobs everywhere.

–*Your bombastic tone certainly does intimidate the smaller minded of your enemies.

–*Your strict adherence to conservative values sure does show the consistency of values you seem to have had since you were a baby.

–*Your theory on cause and effect is quaint, David Hume, signed your friend, Immanuel Kant.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, June 03, 2008 )

It’s been a long wait. But Episode 5 of “The Retributioners” is now up at “Funny Or Die.”

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(Originally posted Monday, June 02, 2008 )

I’ve noticed that Facebook has a lot of specialty groups for those who want to connect in very different ways about very specific passions they have. What are some of the groups now appearing?

–*The official Facebook Group To Ban Facebook Applications

–*The official Facebook Group To Ban IQ Tests on Facebook

–*The official Facebook Group To Ban Facebook

–*The official “Carl Welch Is a Numb Nuts Who Should Be Killed” Group

–*Deer Creek Class of ’72 (Danny’s Cadre)

–*Deer Creek Class of ’72 (Kill Mary’s Cadre!)

–*The official Facebook Group of People Who Used To Like Michael Moore But Stopped When He Attacked Dick Clark

–*The official Facebook Group of People Who Don’t Really Believe in the Gematria Debates They Are Having But Just Do It Out of Tradition and Habit

–*The Official Facebook Group of Abstinence Girls Who Only Do Oral

–*Robin Williams Stole My Joke Group

–*The New York Times Stole My Story Idea Group

–*The Official Facebook Protestant Ulster Unionist Group Demands The Catholic Ulster Unionist Group Be Removed

–*Joey’s Group, Hoping To Promote Joey

–*Your Meta-Filter Is A Piece of Shit Group

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(Originally posted Monday, June 02, 2008 )

We were hoping to have Episode 5 of “The Retributioners” up for you tonight, but after we opened the newly saved Apple Quicktime version, we found the soundtrack had somehow gotten turned up to ear-puncturing, crazy-making levels. So…no Episode 5 yet. We still need a day or two.

Here’s what you want to do when your movie doesn’t work out right:

–*Gnash your teeth

–*Spit

–*Kill

–*Vote Republican

–*Tear the heads off dolls

–*Tear out your own hair, even though you are not a trichotillomaniac

–*Tear out the hair of somebody else

–*…which would be funny if they just happened to be a trichotillomanic

–*Kill the hostages

–*Free all the lab rabbits

–*Liberate your brain through your ear with a dull fork

–*Go to sleep

Hey! I think I’ll do that last one…right …now….

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(Originally posted Saturday, May 31, 2008 )

–*Ride me!

–*Call me stallion!

–*Say my name!

–*I’m the king of England!

–*Kneel before Zod!

–*Tell me how grotesque I am!

–*Call me bitch boy!

–*My film “Titanic” grossed $1.8 billion!

–*God damn Catholics!

–*That’s what she said!

–*Tell me I’m funnier than my brother

–*…your husband

–*Take that, Manchester United!

–*Goal!

–*Serve!

–*Hit me!

–*Hit yourself!

–*Mazel Tov!

–*Goodnight and good luck!

–*Why have you forsaken me?

–*Do I know you?

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(Originally posted Thursday, May 29, 2008 )

Here are what some of Scott McClellan’s former colleagues are saying about the ex-White House press secretary’s recent indictment of the Bush administration. Wrapping themselves in pretzels trying to contain the damage, many of these Republican bigwigs have turned to New Age speak.

–*”It’s like he’s having a weird out-of-body experience.”

–*”It’s like Scott is living on the astral plane.”

–*”It’s like there are two Scotts. Like he is performing the ancient occult practice of bi-location, which means being in two places at once, which allows him to speak two irreconcilable things at the same time.”

–*”It’s like Scott’s in the middle of a lucid dream in which everything is magical and strange.”

–*”It’s like there’s a Kuato speaking through Scott’s stomach, and he’s saying so much bad stuff about the president. How could he possible mean it? When there’s that Kuato living in him?”

–*”It’s like Scott has taken a magic carpet ride to a fantasy land and we can’t reach him, though we cry out ‘Scott! Scott! Scott!'”

–*”Why Scott would betray the president at this point is very strange. The only real explanation, since he’s not telling the truth, is that there is some “tulpa” version of Scott. An un-real faux former press secretary, and he is like a shared hallucination we are all having.”

–*”My only explanation for Scott’s saying that the president used propaganda to wage war in Iraq–since that statement just can’t be true–is that Scott has been strung up in an leather bag and hypnotized through an ancient form of witchcraft.”

–*”It’s like Scott has been smitten by Shiva, the destroying angel, and does not have the mitigating forces of Brahma and Vishnu to preserve him as he says these completely indefensible things about poor President Bush.”

–*”Scott has obviously gone through a process that the ancient Greeks referred to as metempsychosis, in which the soul transmigrates from one incarnation to another, in this case transforming from a loyal patriotic spokesperson for the greatest president of our time into a disfigured sack-of-shit horn-nosed Belial who speaks only in riddles and lies and whose every breath is uttered only in screams as he’s chewed in the mouth of the Beast.”

–*”Clearly, Scott has been seduced by Satan.”

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