(Originally posted Sunday, February 24, 2008 )
Things We Will Learn At the 80th Annual Academy Awards
–*”Paillettes” is the French word for sequins and there’s a genocide going on in the Sudan
–*George Clooney will be seriously romantically linked to someone, but he will be as noncommital about it to the press as he likely is to the poor girl herself
–*We will find out which of the hottest female stars have “baby bumps,” which is proof positive that these moist starlets are sexually active
–*We’ll find out which starlet with a giant ugly bow on her dress will have rotting pieces of turkey meat thrown at her
–*We’ll find out which actors died this past year besides Heath Ledger, who will likely get the death pimp spot by being named last
–*Abe Vigoda will not be among these people, because THE MAN IS STILL ALIVE. Don’t believe me? There’s a Web site devoted to his life status. (A side note, he lives on my block in New York and I saw him buying fruit two weeks ago. I shit you not. The man is fucking not dead.)
–*Jessica Alba has no business being anywhere near an Oscar, but at least her baby bump proves that she is sexually active, so we’re letting her in.
–*Daniel Day-Lewis, like all great method actors, is a shy person who gives boring speeches, and would be better off not coming up to the podium at all
–*Some female star will profess over and over on the red carpet that she is completely devoted to the man by her side, her husband — which means there is trouble at home.
–*We don’t give Oscars to funny Frenchies whose names we can’t pronounce, in movies we never heard of. I’m looking in your direction, Marion Cotillard
–*The dialogue from “Juno” will be said “to crackle,” and that means it really starts to get irritating on repeated viewings.
–*John Stewart will host, and though he is funny, he would likely not wear Javier Bardem’s Dora wig from “Old Country For Old Men,” like inveterate ham Billy Crystal would have
–*Laura Linney. Subtle. Not showy. Won’t win.
–*Spike. Catherine. Jack. Warren. Cameron. Verbs. George. Harrison. Denzel. Verbs. Al Gore. Oprah. Tom. Katie. Verbs.
–*The sentiment “I’m so happy to be here,” will be uttered with various degrees of false conviction
–*We might find out who Miley Cyrus is. Even though I was working really hard to not know who she was, because I realize that there is absolutely nothing about her that is necessary to my fulfillment, enlightenment, education or understanding as an adult of the way things are.
–*British thespian great Tom Wilkinson reveals his abiding love for the TV show “Friends,” which shows the American success at rotting Europe from within by exposing it to our addictive low culture.
–*Cate Blanchett and Julie Christie will divide the vote of those who love gold standard British actresses, thus throwing the Oscar to a too-young Ellen Page and ruining her career Anna Paquin-style.
–*2007 will be remembered as the year in film of cute pregnant teens and shooting people in the brain with captive bolt cattle guns.
UPDATE: I was wrong about Ellen Page. Guess I blew the Oscar pool. No, actually I mean, that French woman ruined the Oscar pool. Everybody’s Oscar pool. Let’s find her address.
Beauty is Imperfection 