Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Tuesday, March 11, 2008 )

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+”prostitution scandal”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”Client 9”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+”sanctimonious”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+”widely hated”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+schadenfreude

“Eliot Spitzer”+”attorney general”+”Wall Street”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”Dow Jones”+”up 416 points”

“Eliot Spitzer”+prostitute+Kristen

“Eliot Spitzer”+prostitute+sex+unsafe

“Eliot Spitzer”+prostitute+sex+$4300

“Eliot Spitzer”+cheap

“Eliot Spitzer”+”Dunkin’ Doughnuts”

“Dunkin’ Doughnuts”+”buttered croissant”

“Where do I find a buttered croissant in Patterson, N.J.?”

“Where do I find a Dunkin’ Doughnuts in Patterson, N.J.?”

“Where do I find a prostitute in Patterson, N.J.?”

“Patterson, N.J.”+escorts+cheap

Patterson+escorts+cheap+”do French”+”water sports””

“Barack Obama”+Mississippi

“Barack Obama”+Mississippi+”vice president”

Hillary+”second place”+desperate

Hillary+”first female president”

Barack+”first black president”

“Bill Clinton”+”first black president”

“Eliot Spitzer”+wife+handsome

“Patterson, N.J.”+prostitute+klismaphilia+enema

prostitute+weird

“What is progestin-induced hermaphrodism?”

“Patterson, N.J.” +”bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Monday, March 10, 2008 )

I’ve been getting an unusually large number of hits lately at ER Salo Deguierre’s page. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the attention, but the audience for my music has always been — and let me put this delicately — very selective since I started posting it last year. I wonder what’s caused the increase?

–*Is it that my one obsessed fan is going there 10 times a day?

–*Is it that my music has hit a raw nerve with those who crave the sound of a drum machine?

–*Is it that people have mistaken me for American Idol’s Carly Smithson, a.k.a., “Carly Plant” (her name over at Vote for the Worst, whose posters believes she is but a record company ringer)?

–*Is it that people crave the sound of a horrible singer, because it always makes them feel better about themselves?

–*Is it that music lifts up the soul? Is it that all music is good and any expression of it, even mine, is considered by those it touches to be a bona fide work of the spirit?

–*Is it just that they like the blue color of the page?

–*Is it that somebody wants to sue me because they think my song sounds like theirs and that I ripped them off?

–*Is it that somebody is cribbing all the notes of the songs so that they may rip me off?

–*Is it that the picture on the home page creates a compelling allure of mystery, offering a kind of willful anonymity that forces the listener to rethink such preconceived constructs like artistic authorship and ownership, and thus denies the exaggerated subjective viewpoint of rock music in particular and modernism in general?

–*Or is it that my real picture appears in the next link, and then you can say “Oh, there he is!”

–*Is it that the lo-fi revolution has started, and people will no longer be force fed music they hear on the radio, but rather they will seek out the things they listen to themselves, creating a grassroots cottage industry of artists and artisans?

–*Or is it just a mistake, and 11 people wandered onto my page by accident?

It doesn’t matter. I like the attention.

My wife and I are still getting through boxes and trying to find new furniture after moving last week. We’re still not hitting on all 8s, but maybe in a few days, things should be more like normal. After that, I hope to start writing frequent blogs again.

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(Originally posted Sunday, March 09, 2008 )

What’s New In the Self-Help Book Section This Week?

“How To Eat Flesh and Influence People,” by Dave Smiley

“Get The Life You Want Now (By Taking Power In a Nazi-Style Putsch)” by Sweet Pomeroy

“How A Large Vocabulary Can Show You’ve Got Something To Prove,” by Emily Sontag

” …” or by Susan Sontag, for that matter

“Chicken Soup for the Cock,” by Dan Bentman

“How To Get More Sex By Simply Paying For It,” by Grischa Erdmann

“The Proud Pedophile,” by Gene McCracken

“It’s Not My Business What Anybody Thinks of Me, Especially Sally in Cube 4,” by Reba McClane in Cube 3

“There’s A God Inside You, So Go Ahead and Smite Somebody,” by Shanti O’Dell

“You Must Have Been Through Some Kind of Shitty Ordeal To Be Here,” by Bucky Diamond

“How To Achieve The Wisdom of the Ancients (And Get Better Abs at the Same Time)” by Krishna Dorizzio

“Life Coaching for Dolphins,” by Simeon McNash

“Shana, Stop Whining! You Could Have It Worse,” by Yente Rubenstein

“Someone Needs To Take You Down A Notch,” by Sgt. Barry Swabish

“How High Expectations and Hope Make You Miserable,” by Sally Longbride

“Whatever Doesn’t Kill You Just Makes You Stronger, However the Janjaweed Will Probably Just Kill You,” by Musa Hilal

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(Originally posted Saturday, March 08, 2008 )

2 ABC
This week on “Lost,” everybody must talk like a robot. I’m talking like a robot. You must talk like a robot. Affirmative.

3 CBS
Running out of pompous Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations about the mind, “Criminal Minds” starts off this week with Oscar Wilde’s death bed quip, “Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”

4 NBC
If I don’t recognize you, then you’re not a Celebrity Apprentice

15 Discovery
Discover all the Japanese borrow words for pornographic film maneuvers

17 Cable Access
Pornographic Japanese Film Maneuvers

18 Discovery Kids
Mythbusters see if there’s really such a sexual practice as “donkey punching.”

23 Lifetime
Haley Joel Osment: When The Voice Breaks

48 Ovation
Patti LuPone Special: You Don’t Deserve This Evening Of Fine Entertainment By Me

55 Crosswalk
911 Conspiracy Theorists Show How the Twin Towers Actually Fell Before the Planes Hit Them

57 HBO
Schindler’s List

58 HBO2
Tyler Perry’s Schindler’s List

59 Showtime
Jet Li’s all-martial-arts recapitulation of the 2nd Opium War

59 E! Entertainment Television
This week on a very sad episode of “The Girls Next Door,” playmate Holly has to be put to sleep

60 CNN
Each of the presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, continues to impress upon voters how he is more uniquely qualified than the other in a contest of manipulating the media

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(Originally posted Tuesday, March 04, 2008 )

… than the move my wife and I just endured?

Of course, a lot of things could be worse:

–*Getting a root canal James Frey style

–*Being nostril-raped by a 1 foot tall clone of Napoleon.

–*Having your hamstring cut by an obsessed male nurse who doesn’t want you to leave him.

–*Doing the limbo by driving a Carmengia under a gas truck … and not…quite…making it

–*Having a rigorously copied painting of Georges Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” tattooed on your scrotum by I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby

–*Getting bitch slapped to death by a whale’s phallus

–*Going out into the wilds of Alaska to prove your self-reliance … and then starving to death.

–*Being forced at gunpoint to type out your own suicide note in a POW camp and not being able to come up with any better verbs. Or for that matter a word that rhymes with “recalcitrant.”

–*Eating a Retribution sandwich at the Hard Cheese Cafe.

–*Being ear wigged by an ear wigging ear wigger

–*Having a party in your mouth and your parents are invited

–*Being Old Yeller, as opposed to having to just shoot Old Yeller

As of March 3, my wife and I have moved into our new digs. My desk was dropped and destroyed by the movers, so I will still be writing infrequently for a few days, and only then from a very hard, punishing chair.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 29, 2008 )

Compliments Nobody Wants To Hear, Vol. 2

–*You’re so pretty when I look at you from a very low angle and 10 feet away

–*You have gone about as far in life as a tambourine player can go.

–*You would make a great comic relief part in the ABC After-School Special I’m directing about bulimia

–*I like to call that giant purple birthmark covering half of your body a “God’s kiss.”

–*You are the sexiest rodeo clown alive

–*You sure do smile a lot for a person with so many enemies.

–*Especially you, O.J.

–*A person like you has to be really genuine to have so many teeth missing and not be embarrassed about it

–*You handle your Thorazine so well

–*You jump out of a cake sober and fall into a cake drunk with equal aplomb

–*You must have a heart of gold to be that much in love with a sadistic, abusive, repressed, fetishistic police officer

–*You must have a heart of gold to be that much in love with a limited and smarmy rich kid Republican president

–*You’ve moved up so fast in Hollywood, I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose

–*You are the sexiest, most inspiring movie star who dropped out of high school ever

–*You are the sexiest, most inspiring U.S. president who made straight C’s ever.

–*You’ve got more talent for painting than could have ever been expected from a serial killer of women serving multiple life sentences in prison

–*You’re like Paul Newman without the charisma, looks, brains or talent.

Yes, I was serious, I am busy this weekend, but had 10 minutes to be foolish.

P.S.: –*Eric, you certainly do have a lot of time on your hands for somebody who is so foolish.

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(Originally posted Thursday, February 28, 2008 )

Top 11 Reasons That “Beauty Is Imperfection” Blogs Will Be Less Frequent for the Next Few Days

–*I’m moving
–*My wife is moving
–*I have exhausted all my jokes and ideas. They are all gone. Gone utterly
–*I just want to tease you by holding off on that third installment of “Chad the Dictator” that you all have been crying for
–*I’m writing a very special Top Ten list that is so groundbreaking it will save the polar bears from extinction
–*”Nobody ever expected you to write daily, Eric, so who gives a shit?”
–*I’m going on a hunger strike until Carly Smithson is booted off “American Idol”
–*I’m going on a hunger strike until George Bush is booted out of the American presidency
–*I’m going off to work on a novelization of “Letters to My Imaginary Friend Leticia”
–*I’m mourning the death of William F. Buckley
–*I’m mourning the death of reason

In any case, expect to hear a bit less from me over the next few days as Stephanie and I flee the Cossacks and find a new patch of Earth a few blocks away. After we’re free and clear, I’ll give you the address of the evil management company that has removed us, and you can mail your bags of feces to them.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 27, 2008 )

Top 11 Reasons Why We Did It

–*He wasn’t the right guy for me.

–*She was pitchy, dawg

–*Because he kept talking and talking and talking

–*I was tired of being a slave to that old woman and her retarded simpleton sister Lizaveta

–*I didn’t believe that her health care plan was well thought out

–*Because the other one tasted better

–*Because his plot was very confusing, and he even had two different characters named Quentin, one male and one female. What kind of sick fuck does that?

–*Because I am a Nietzschean superman. Pull my finger

–*Because I was rudely stamped. Deformed. Unfinished. … I am determined to prove a villain.

–*Because I am John Lennon, not him

–*It’s none of your business why I did it. I don’t have to explain myself to you.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 26, 2008 )

Academy+Awards

Academy+Awards+Europeans

Acamdemy+Awards+Europeans+robbed

Academy+Awards+Tilda+Swinton+makeup

Academy+Awards+Tilda+Swinton+”no makeup”

Oscars and Juno

“What does a home skillet mean?”

Diabalo+Cody

Diabalo+Cody+stripper

Diabalo+Cody+purple

“Roger Clemens”+Congress+perjury+idiot

“Who is Gary Busey?”

“Gary Busey”+”Jennifer Garner”+mauled

“Who would win in a fight between a bull and a bear?”

“Joel and Ethan Coen”

“What does laconic mean?”

“What does nihilism mean?”

“What does misanthropy mean?”

“Who is Wittgenstein?”

“Who would win in a fight between a bear and Wittgenstein?”

“No Country For Old Men”+”No ending”

“Apocalypse Now”+”No ending”

“Boogie Nights”+”No ending”

Heidi+Klum+”no bra”

“James Cameron”+”oscar speech”+asshole

“Spy satellite”+”size of a bus”+”blown out of the sky”

Chinese+satellite

“Space garbage”+fall+kill

“Space garbage”+”size of a bus”+fall+kill

Lighting+”space debris”+”car accident”+”random violence”

Lighting+”space debris”+”car accident”+”random violence”+nihilist

“How do I become a nihilist?”

“How do I become a nihilist in Osh Kosh, Wis.?”

nihilism+”starter kit”

“Osh Kosh, Wis.” + “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Monday, February 25, 2008 )

My beautiful sister recently tagged me with a MySpace open chain letter, requiring me to post 10 little known personal things about myself. Good on you sis! That fucking rocks. You are fucking God!

I would have done it sooner, but I was too busy writing to Congress about all the goddamned foreigners taking all the beautiful golden Oscar statuettes and shipping them overseas.

Because I don’t think I’m that interesting, I’d like to focus on 10 little known things about my friend, Arliss Treacle.

1. Can’t sleep without he’s got his hand on his private parts.
2. Weren’t goin’ vote for Hillary Clinton ’til Tina Fey done told him to do’t
3. Cain’t stand t’ masturbatin’ without thinkin’ ’bout more than at least three lil’ chippies all at the same time
4. Thinks that a giant naked silver lady on the side of a Galveston motel is some mighty fine art
5. He does as his boss says and shreds every’thin incriminatin’
6. Don’t like it but it’s dipped in lard and fried over hick’ry
7. He still knows in his heart that that LonelyGirl15 girl is real, even if she say she ain’t no more
8. He still prays ev’ry Sunday, even if his altar now has to be only inside his heart … Seein’ as he was run out of church for the fondlin’
9. Likes to eat beast, but sometimes also prefers him some critter
10. Likes to say “that dog won’t hunt.” Because his dog, she won’t hunt.

OK. That’s it. Oh, yeah. About Eric:

1. I like chocolate too much.
2. I thought “Pulp Fiction” was overrated
3. I can’t multi-task and if you ask me to I get pissy and vinegary
4. I have never taken a guitar lesson, which I’m very proud of.
5. I have never taken a voice lesson, which everybody is very irritated about
6. I was intensely jealous of all the Academy Award winners, except for the French girl who won best actress because who the hell is she anyway?
7. I love my family very much because they accept all my evil thoughts and twisted sense of humor. I love my sister especially because she happens to also share all my thoughts and evil twisted sense of humor
8. I always order the same thing in restaurants, and have many times found myself in one of those moments like Miranda from “Sex in the City,” where a Chinese person reads my order back to me and laughs because she already knows what it is. In fact, when I used to go to this place in Brooklyn, the restaurant owners’ children would sing my order out the minute I walked in the door. Very funny, little bastards.
9. I also cannot sleep without my hand coverin’ my private parts.
10. I have very few enemies. But I keep two in the back of my mind on a very short, angry little list slashed with razor blades and soaked with blood. You know who you are.

All right. This letter says I must tag 10 people. But I don’t want you to feel obligated. Just do it because in your heart you know it’s the right thing and your heart is heavy having to keep such 10 secrets like these inside.

Marc, Natalie, Stacy, Monica, Kari, Gene, Corey, David, John, Flight of the Conchords.

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