Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, November 14, 2007)

Top 11 Things That Might Be On Your Butt

11. A mole

10. A wen

9. A keloid

8. A stuck penny

7. A tattoo of Nancy and half of Sluggo, mainly his head and forearms

6. A map of the independent sultanate of Brunei

5. A nest of vipers

4. A golem, the mystical creature in Hebrew folklore, only in this case it is a special golem that hides in your ass crack

3. The impression of somebody’s face, hopefully somebody you like

2. The impression of somebody’s face — more likely somebody from the prison cell you were in

1. Jerry, that rascally talking cartoon dingleberry

(Originally posted Tuesday, November 13, 2007)

1) What do Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Kurt Cobain all have in common?

a) They all came from Seattle

b) They all graduated from Syracuse University

c) They all excelled in their chosen field of music

∞

2) Why is Britney Spears so controversial?

a) Her signature dance moves

b) Her racy videos

c) Her jailbait appeal

d) She smokes

∞

3) What’s the most distinguishing characteristic of the Ford Pinto?

a) It was one of the most successful designs of the new American sub-compact car class

b) Its design was personally overseen by executive Lee Iacocca.

c) The rack and pinion steering had optional power assist

d) It led to a major accounting discovery about how cheap the legal settlement for a burning death could be

∞

4) What is the German city of Dresden known for?

a) Its Slavic origin

b) Its antique clocks and tea kettles

c) The Waldschlößchenbrücke, a planned bridge across the river Elbe, which is somewhat controversial

d) It was inhabited by genocidal Huns who got what was coming to them

∞

5) What were some of the highlights of American diplomacy in 2003?

a) The creation of a grand world coalition for military security that included one-time U.S. enemies such as Nicaragua

b) Poland aids the United States in a critically important military operation

c) Having the cover of a U.S. military presence elsewhere in the region, the U.S. finally withdraws its troops from Saudi Arabia, ending years of an unpopular occupation and giving a total political victory to Osama Bin Laden.

∞

6) A cyclic compound is

a) One in which carbon atoms are formed together in a loop or ring to make such substances as Benzene

b) A ring structure containing atoms in addition to carbon

c) It doesn’t matter because Jesus is Lord

∞

7) The rounded square root of 96 is

a) 9.79796

b) 9.17777

c) Woo-hoo! America rules!

∞

8 ) How old is the Earth?

a) It was made by God on Oct. 23, 4004 B.C., right before Halloween.

b) It is somewhere between 6,000 and 10,000 years old, though it is scientifically impossible to be more precise than that.

c) This is a controversial question, because the true answer depends on whether you’re a Young Earth Creationist or a Haredi Jew.

∞

9) Capacitance in a system can be determined if

a) The geometry of the conductors is known

b) The dielectric properties of the insulator between the conductors is known

c) The X-Box has successfully been turned on

∞

10) What is My Lai, Vietnam known for?

a) Its long beaches

b) The comeliness of its women.

c) Its residents’ Missouri-like stubbornness

d) All of the above

∞

11) What caused the widespread outrage at U.S. guards at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq?

a) Their failure to follow military protocol

b) Their failure to follow rules of engagement

c) They smoked

(Originally posted Monday, November 12, 2007)

Here are a list of some gratuitous celebrity references appearing in your daily news headlines.

–*Woman mauled by bear in Idaho dies singing “Jesus Take The Wheel.” We’ve got photos of Carrie Underwood coming up.

–*Iraq War drags on toward year five. We’ll tell you how that affects Christina Aguilera’s feelings about George Bush coming up.

–*Wildfires continue to ravage Southern California. We’ve got Jenny McCarthy talking about how it affects her new book “A Mother’s Journey In Healing Autism,” coming up after the break.

–*Prostate cancer is on the rise. How will this affect the way Eminem pees? The answer in a bit.

–*The current secretary of defense was in the middle of the shittiest parts of the Iran-Contra scandal. Tommy Lee was also a very notorious ’80s figure. We’ll tell you why on page 10.

–*Global warming could lead to widespread drought in the Western U.S. Where will K-Fed swim naked when the worst comes down?

–*The Bush administration is still fighting for the legal right to torture. Who would post-grunge band Good Charlotte like to torture?

–*Pakistan is in the midst of poltical unrest as lawyers demonstrate for the resumption of democratic elections. Who is fucking Lindsay Lohan?

–*Members of Hamas recently fired on members of the Fatah party in Palestine. Was that a tit Rose McGowan was flashing at the Grammys?

–*Monetary policymakers in the U.S. have been letting the dollar decline in value to close the trade gap with foreign countries. How fat will Britney Spears be when she’s 50?

–*Global warming has led to the fear that the Greenland ice sheet will collapse and polar bears will die out. It’s just my opinion here, but Timbaland rolls like a star.

(Originally posted Saturday, November 10, 2007)

We just spent the day shooting “The Retributioners,” and we’re both very exhausted and very excited.

It’s never too late to go and be a friend to the site:

http://www.myspace.com/theretributioners.

We’re hoping to have the finished film up soon. Stay tuned.

(Originally posted Thursday, November 08, 2007)

I just want to say happy anniversary to my wife, who I love more than anything. We’re in the movies, baby!

(Originally posted Tuesday, November 06, 2007)

What You Saw Last Night While You Were On Drugs

–*Pink elephants

–*Morley Safer in a boa doing a sexy lap dance

–*The entire text of the Koran printed on the head of a pin, and yet somehow completely legible to your drug-addled eyes

–*The lava lamp, because you didn’t have the imagination to be looking at anything else

–*Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” because it makes more sense that way

–*”2001: A Space Odyssey,” by Stanley Kubrick, though the last 20 minutes still don’t make any sense, even after drinking morphine straight from the bag

–*Third-quarter tax forms with a large itemized deduction section

–*God, while listening to the drum solo on Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” sped up to 78 rpm

–*Cute little dormice with high voices recreating the rape of the Sabine women

–*Christ giving a mani-pedi to the feet of the apostles

–*Nothing. Drugs, for some unhappy reason, don’t do anything for you.