Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, September 01, 2008 )

What Are Some of the Anticipated Highlights of the Republican National Convention?

–*Large JumboTron TV screens will cover not only the activity on the convention floor but also the progress of Hurricane Gustav, which will serve as a stirring reminder of how well Republicans respond to domestic natural disasters

–*There will be an hour-long 16 mm film of vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin hunting and killing moose with three of her deerstalker-hatted children in tow.

–*Day 3 is Alaska Day, when the a state contingent performs native dances and, as part of local custom, hands every delegate in the hall a $1900 oil lease dividend check courtesy of Exxon.

–*McCain will dutifully ask the party for muted festivities during this critical moment on the Gulf Coast. After all, he doesn’t want to be upstaged by a fast-moving awe-inspiring phenomenon that causes much excitement.

–*Sarah Palin will extol her record of foreign policy experience, specifically settling disputes with the Japanese over quotas for king crab, smoked salmon, pollock and orange roughy.

–*Sarah Palin’s question, “What does a vice president do?” will be answered in short order during the Republican hazing ceremony known as “VP Dunk Tank.”

–*On Day 4, the press officially acknowledges that McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin for the VP slot has officially been downgraded from a brilliant tactical move to a horrible strategic blunder.

–*Sarah Palin gives one of her famous speeches in which she says Americans want a youthful voice for change. Then she introduces running mate John McCain, who is 72 years old and hasn’t changed his position on Iraq, abortion, the economy or the environment in years.

–*The Republicans remind America that nobody really knows what a “community organizer” and “civil rights attorney” does, but that everybody understands beauty contests and moose hunting.

–*The Republicans rush to paint liberals as hating small-town American values embodied by those like Sarah Palin. In fact, they do this so quickly, and before any word has been said, that liberals might innocently reply, “Gee, you people sure sound insecure about your hockey mom, there.”

–*The Orange Order marches through downtown Belfast, causing a riot. Oh, sorry. Wrong crazy people.

–*A great rockin’ tune will be played that sums up the Republican Party’s message and clear vision for the future. This tune will be chosen when the party can come up with a vision and a message other than, “Everybody’s going to die if you don’t vote Republican,” for which there is currently no appropriate hit song.