(Originally posted Monday, July 14, 2008 )
Top 10 Reasons Not To Go To Family Functions
10. Nobody fell in the cake last time, and it’s getting a little boring
9. Not enough guilt from mom. Come on, mom. Where’s the guilt?
8. Grandma’s dancing to YMCA. Does she not get the homosexual subtext?
7. Cousin Sylvie gave herself to Jesus, probably to get even with her Jewish family, and here we are all pretending to sing “Jesus Loves Me.” Oh God, are we really doing this?
6. Aunt Mavis and Uncle Charlie are not only still in the middle of their divorce, they’ve started bringing the lawyer along to the bar mitzvahs.
5. Wait a minute. This kid I just gave $100 to now that he’s a man today … do I know him? I want that money back!
4. Cousin Sandy probably won’t like the gift we got her, and she shouldn’t even bother opening it. She ought to just return it to Lord & Taylor now.
3. Pesto is a bit sour this year.
2. Mom won’t eat tomatoes because of the salmonella scare and won’t eat beef because of the mad cow disease and won’t eat Chinese food because of the SARS and won’t eat salmon because of the mercury. What does that leave? Just the paper napkins.
1. My sister’s goddamn baby won’t talk to me. So what she’s only 6 months old, I bought her a gift.
1. “You did No. 1 twice?” “Yeah, mom. I did No. 1 twice just to piss you off! Are you happy?”
Beauty is Imperfection 
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