Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, July 18, 2008 )

What Super Powers Do Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s Natural Children Possess?

–*They can fly.

–*They have big cushion-y lips that can stop a small compact car.

–*Knox can make himself elastic and stretch through keyholes.

–*They are full of active mitochlorians that give them the power of invisibility.

–*They have cable access playing through translucent screens that appear in the middle of their bellies

–*If you lick their backs, you will get high off the psychoactive toad venom bufotenin

–*They can live through a nuclear firestorm by shifting their shape into cockroaches.

–*They spit African petrodollars

–*Vivienne and Knox wonder twin powers, activate! Form of–a bucket of Bridget Bardot’s spit. Shape of–a murderous, territorial hamster.

–*They can muster, in mere seconds, an entire army of fire-breathing publicists

–*They have the ability to develop into giant adults through exponential number of cell divisions following mitosis, a result of reproduction that occurs when two super beings engage in nuclear hot fucking.

–*They can run around naked without understanding the concept of shame.

–*If you look at them directly, you will turn into a poisonous methane marsh gas