Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Tuesday, June 10, 2008 )

How Are We Answering Our Test Questions During This, Our Last Acid Trip Of Finals?

1. What do you get when you divide the opposite side by the hypotenuse?

a.) Dude, I’m so baked.
b.) Lemon yellow cake
c.) It doesn’t matter. I can see through my hand

2. When was the Treaty of Nantes revoked?

a.) It doesn’t matter. There is no more religious tolerance today than there was then.
b.) The world is so tart on my tongue.
c.) Greasy, greasy anchovies

3. What is the architectural element known as a peristyle?

a). The Greeks were all buggering each other day and night
b). It doesn’t matter. When I made love to the duck, it was already dead.
c). When you asked me the question, teacher, I could hear your condescension. It was deep orange and mauve, and it hurt me real bad like a thousand angry marigolds.

4. How many sides does a dodecahedron have?
a). I don’t like to limit anybody, even a dodecahedron.
b). Kurt Cobain was the greatest rocker of his generation
c). My tongue goes so far back into my body … that’s where all the lies start.

5. What was the first decisive naval battle to turn back the tide of the Ottoman encroachment?
a). Turkish Delight tastes like a snowball took a shit.
b). What if you took off a turban and found nothing but brain?
c). Last night I dreamt that Don Quixote was giving me a chlamydia test with a long metal stent through my urethra.

6. How do you say “to have” in Spanish?
a). I don’t know, but “pendejo” still means the smallest hair in your asshole
b). Don’t you get it? The dripping water in the first few minutes of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” represents blood. Just don’t ask me what the blood represents.
a). Tener. As in “I tenered your mama last night.”

7. Who was the German philosopher who invented the concepts of thesis, antithesis and synthesis?
a). You’re not going to get away from me that easily, Elusive Snark
b). I listened to Led Zeppelin backward last night and I think it told me to do my taxes
c). I am synthesis. Pull my finger.

8. Where does the line 3x+4=y intersect with the parabola x squared + 3x + 9 = y?
a). I can only think of all the lonely parabaloids that never intersect and will never know the joy of intersecting
b). I am a firm believer in the integrity of the number 3 — and swear to you that it is more than just a bunch of ones who got together. The number 3 has its own dignity and does not have to explain itself to you.
c). I am afraid that if I learn any more math, teacher, I will become dangerously aware and paranoid of all the math that surrounds me everywhere and that it will not work toward the common good

9. Which Roman emperor willfully abandoned his role as leader of the Romans?
a). Did you hear that Joni Mitchell has smoked since she was 9 years old? No wonder she sounds like Darth Vader now.
b). Hey, I’d kind of like to hear Darth Vader sing “Big Yellow Taxi” now that I think about it.
c). No, I’d rather have a whole lot of water.

10. What are the three parts of a classical ode?
a). Strophe, antistrophe and … have you ever noticed that doing simple algebra gives you an unwanted erection?
b). Everybody is lying to me.
c). Shit, I’ve only been on this stuff for five minutes. Looks like I’ve got another 48 hours to go. Happy graduation.