Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, March 29, 2008 )

Many of us want to be remembered for something. Richard Nixon wanted to be remembered for mending relations with China. Susan Sontag wanted to be remembered as a novelist. Of course, neither one got his way.

How would you like to be remembered?

–*As the first woman on the moon

–*As the most obese president

–*As the man who broke the bank at the Monte Carlo

–*As the man who flung the watermelon the farthest it has ever been flung in Delaware and made Delaware a better place for it

–*As the white man who expanded the borders of the United States by declaring himself president of Nicaragua and then letting it be annexed by the U.S. government. You know. Like Texas.

–*As the woman who gave birth to such a hunk of man as George Clooney

–*As the person who taught Dick Cheney how to love

–*Actually, what I meant was, the person to have given him a successful heart transplant

–*As the man who won the fastest land-speed record in a Wal-Mart shopping cart in North America

–*As the first person to bring iambic pentameter to gay porn

–*As the man who cleansed the church of heresy by killing all the Protestants in the St. Bartholomew’s Day massacre and thus ending the conflict once and for all

–*As the man who cleansed the Anglian Church of superstitious Catholic ritual by leaving England and founding a nation that would forever be a beacon of Christ’s light

–*As the first Lesbian lacrosse player to become U.S. president and invade Venezuela

–*As the man who ate the most Bubba Gump shrimp before puking in Times Square

–*As the last boy ever castrated in Europe to preserve his mezzo-soprano opera voice and sing Elton John and Tim Rice’s “Aida”

–*As the first denizen of Soapstone, Arkansas to mate with an alien and father a whole new race of people with big heads, 13-inch penises and no belly buttons

–*As the man who subdued the Indians in New England, who had no legal right to the land

–*As the first woman born of asexual parthenogenesis to found her own rock ‘n’ roll religion in South Korea

–*As the comeliest and fairest of the sultan’s harem, the one who convinced him to invade Cyprus

–*As the only person to have killed President Kennedy

–*As the man who taught the world how to fish and so fed them for a lifetime

–*As the man who who taught them how to fish and then charged them compound interest for it, so that they owed him 50% of all their caught fish for the rest of their lifetime. You know. Like the way colleges do it.

–*As the youngest teen-ager to give birth in Kansas

–*As the mother with the most children in the Quiverfull movement

–*As the guy who bedded 4800 women, because my earlier goal of being a great artist gets sillier and siller every time I hear “I Wanna Rock ‘N’ Roll All Nite.”

–*As a crazy gay serial killer cannibal … but not as a vindictive, angry or mean-spirited gay serial killer cannibal

–*As the guy who got you off

–*As the woman who turned you gay

–*As a pious, self-righteous person suffering in silent solitutde for her personal moral principles. Which means I pretty much won’t be remembered at all.