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Archive for the ‘Film & TV’ Category

There’s no getting around it: America is divided. We’ve become more polarized, less tolerant of one another’s ideas and points of view. Less likely to reach across the divide of discourse, less likely to see the ironies of, seek alternatives to or break the paradigms of our own thoughts, less likely to live outside the echo chamber where we repeat the thoughts of our family and friends without thinking for ourselves, where we can’t synthesize seemingly incompatible political ideas. We’ve moved farther apart than ever, refusing to discuss things in a way that might bring us together.

Of course, I’m talking about the tragedy of last night’s Emmy Awards.

Oh sure, Jimmy Fallon was funny wandering the hall like a minstrel and breaking the proscenium stage to sing with Julianna Margulies and Stephen Colbert. Yes, a lot of quality shows were justly rewarded. You don’t even care that they are still calling January Jones a leading lady when she has gotten less air time on Mad Men this year than some of the extras.

But TV has, like America, become polarized, and when you look past the opulence of this gala event, all you see is cleavage … a wider gap than ever between quality and crap on television. The Emmys now have a category for best reality TV show. For those of you who enjoy oxymorons (or just morons)–here is your category. It must be embarrassing for wordsmiths in a writer’s medium to watch the Vandals, Saracens and Goths with their vulgar, vomiting beasts of burden ride across the red carpet and leave horse turds everywhere.

What used to be called television is today called “scripted television.” These are the things that stir our spirit, fire our imaginations. You might now call them paintings, and reality TV, contrariwise, is a mirror. Is a mirror on society interesting? I guess it depends on how interesting the people in them are. Mostly, I see people on reality TV picking their noses. And when it comes to, say, the Jersey Shore, I find the stuff in my own nose more interesting.

Emmy night lays bare this cleavage (sorry, couldn’t resist), where the best of our artists, like Matthew Weiner, who has tickled our fancy with Mad Men, sit cheek by jowl with Kim Kardashian, who tickles just ass men.  Where Tina Fey, who writes so many jokes on every page of 30 Rock that she makes the paper turn black, competes against the likes of Snooki, who, inside and out, is just turning black.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics suggests all systems are in a constant state of flux moving toward disorder. If you’ve read the work of Ilya Prigogine, the great Nobel laureate winning chemist, you realize that once these chaotic systems reach a level of polarization, they seek a quick, violent means of finding order again. Volatile chemical states reach disorder and strange things take place. Geopolitical disorder also allows weird things to take place. Imagine the Spanish Civil War. First, the political center disappeared in Spain, and pretty soon you had a breakdown in representative government in which each side refused to recognize the other. Then you had skirmishes, three years of conflict and discord and violence, and eventually a return to stasis and conformity in the form of a 40 year fascist dictatorship. Sometimes, amid discord, strange things emerge (like the paradox of an “anarchist government” in Barcelona).

But I like to think Prigogine could also have been talking about television. In a state of disorder, broadcast viewers flee to cable. Cable viewers flee to TiVo. TiVo viewers flee to the Internet and handheld devices. There is no conformity of quality or censorship. We live in a wild west, where a medium that used to be strictly regulated for the family now features regular nudity and sexual situations because the money people have become desperate. We now hear the word “shit” a lot. JWoww will show you her tits. Desperation can lead to phenomenal art (as it did when Hollywood movies underwent similar change in the 1960s). But it can also lead to people breaking the law to get on television. Sooner or later, the system will seek stasis and one side will win. The exhibition or the exhibitionists.

My fear is that people who want to watch something that aspires to be good are going to seek it elsewhere outside of television. Which is sad, because good television can be seriously great (like it is on Mad Men, 30 Rock, the Sopranos, etc.) When the good shows start to disappear from regular TV, the people who stay behind will turn it into a 24-hour spy camera. The Sony Masturbation Helper.

It’s great to see Mad Men and Breaking Bad and Lost win so many awards for their quality, but the Emmys remind you of this disorder between us–that the good shows aren’t the ones getting the ratings. Most regular people find it comforting for some reason to watch people threaten each other on Hell’s Kitchen, beat each other on Jerry Springer, or screw up their big moment on American Idol rather than try to work out that obscure Dorian Gray reference on Mad Men (Note to Weiner: nicely played!).  It’s the same reason that high school gossip is so compelling–it allows you to live vicariously rather than live. It allows you to validate yourself and measure your own worth by the failure of others. It asks you to judge everything and do nothing. Which is very, very, very attractive.

I like to think of this as using TV to live outside of your body. It’s one of the themes of a song I wrote called “TV Head.” Technology is changing our brains, doing the organizing for us so that we can do the intuitive work of life ourselves. But it’s also allowing mankind to follow a spiritual impulse he’s had since he wandered out of the African savannas–to not be himself. When he cannot reconcile the substance that is spirit with the substance that is flesh (and when he can’t see how, as some have argued, that the two are biologically interrelated), he seeks to escape and live inside Jonah’s whale. He becomes obsessed with ghosts. With the idea demonic possession. He seeks heaven, as if there he will find answers as an angel he can’t find now in the encyclopedia. Rather than seeking heroes, he will seek Ryan Seacrest.

So the cleavage is not just within Christina Hendricks’ generous embonpoint. The rift in the Emmys is within us. Life is short and none of us wants to say we spent the entire journey watching Kim Kardashian achieve our dreams for us when she has no discernible skills or talents. The thing I like about a show like Mad Men, for instance, is that it’s so smart it makes me do the work. It makes me live in my head. It forces me to do something other than just sit there. And, unlike most of the other manifestly awful things on television, it reminds me that sitting is exactly what I’m doing. I have to ask myself, “Could I be more interesting than Don Draper if I tried?”

Ask yourself. What’s in your nose?

You can listen to my song “TV Head” here: TV Head

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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One of the best movies you've never seen.

I don’t usually review movies I haven’t seen. But there’s a lot of hype surrounding the release of the new horror movie The Last Exorcism, directed by Daniel Stamm. You might have seen ads for it and advanced press calling it this year’s Paranormal Activity, which, you might remember, was last year’s Blair Witch Project. The film claims to include “found footage,” and has a home movie feel. Supposedly,we’re going to see a real possessed person get purged.

Or are we?

Pseudo-documentaries have reinvigorated the scary movie genre (you might even call them a genre themselves, depending on how finicky you are about naming new categories). They underline what good scary movies are–an appeal to that part of your brain that fears secrecy, disorientation, alienation and a lack of context–and thus makes you most open to manipulators. Did you ever notice that there is very little actual visual and sound information in the Blair Witch Project? That’s part of its genius (or its hustle). Whoever made it (or marketed it) knows that your brain was doing all the work and imagining awful things when actually nothing was happening (and I’ve watched it twice. Really. NOTHING happened). The real geniuses were the guys at Artisan Entertainment (I like to think it was a Don Draper type) who told the filmmakers at the festivals to shut their mouths and not do any more interviews. The mystery was part of the artistry.

When I saw the poster for The Last Exorcism in the subway, I wasn’t as horrified by the picture or the gnomic tag line  “Believe In Him,” as I was by the names on the credits: writers Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland. These two  guys are already responsible for one of the best films you’ve never seen and it’s not a horror film at all but a comedy. A sublime comedy called Mail Order Wife, which they directed together. If you haven’t seen it (and the current IMDB numbers suggest that you haven’t) then I’ll give you the best recap I can without too many spoilers. In it, a documentary film crew (with Gurland himself) follows a doorman from Queens as he uses a mail-order bride service to track down and marry the girl of his dreams, a catalog wife from Burma named Lichi (Eugenia Yuan). The doorman (Adrian Martinez) has no social skills and no charm. He turns his new bride first into a maid, then a sex slave. This is all too much for the film crew and Gurland, who gets personally involved with the story (and Lichi).

The first reaction you have watching Mail Order Wife is vile discomfort. Adrian has a crippling lack of social skills and is bereft of elegance. Watching him turn from a schlub into a monster is, in fact, kind of like watching a horror film. But then something happens. The plot turns really bizarre about 30 minutes into it, and we’re no longer sure if we’re watching a documentary at all. Everybody turns into an asshole, including Lichi and the filmmakers. It’s all so funny, though, you stop caring.

It might sound smug or cute or annoying, when a director suddenly suggests he’s pulling your chain, but in this case, it’s really cool. I have watched this movie three times and it never bores me. Even if it is just a ruse, the behavior of the people on the screen is familiar, and you oddly feel refreshed thinking maybe you’ve been delivered from the pain of the reality. Real life is always more awkward than fiction. Maybe that’s why a well-directed mockumentary can also make you feel disoriented the same way a horror movie can. Maybe the two genres are more related than we think.

Werner Herzog, the German filmmaking genius, has recently had a lot of fun with this idea by delving into mockumentaries that are purported at first to be real. Herzog, who has admitted that a lot of his ’70s “histories” were made up, likes to remind the audience that they are the ones doing a lot of the work of narrative. The filmmaker is just laying the tracks.

The first time I saw The Blair Witch Project, I was dating a very brainy woman with an advanced degree, the kind of person unlikely to get fished into a dead camper yarn. And yet she went for the movie like catnip. The funniest thing to me was that she was too afraid to even look at the screen most of the time and instead looked down into her lap. In other words, she didn’t see the Blair Witch Project, at all. She only heard it. What did that do? It made her even more frightened. Having less information made it more effective.

I have high hopes for The Last Exorcism because it might have more in common with Mail Order Wife than the names on the poster. It’s shrouded in mystery, for one thing. The filmmakers will say very little about the story and critics are playing along. The producers have already started a brilliant ad campaign that has their minions going into demonic spasms on Chat Roulette.

I don’t necessarily want Botko and Gurland to launch a new horror film career. I would prefer they make me laugh. Instead I secretly hope this movie continues the career they already started of movie deconstruction. Something that will shake up viewers who have become numb watching Snooki and The Situation fall into alcohol blackout and somehow accept it as reality. In other words, I do hope there is a real exorcism going on in The Last Exorcism–and that it’s the audience that’s getting it.

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Recent news reports have suggested that Howard Stern was under consideration to take over judging duties in future seasons of American Idol.

What other changes have the producers got in mind?

–*Wild huskies will be allowed to roam the studios while the contestants perform.

–*The female contestants will regularly be advised to take their clothes off

–*Ellen DeGeneres will be replaced as judge by a 90-year-old deaf Palestinian refugee

–*Kara will type in her comments from an IPhone and they will be transcribed on screen, if she feels like it.

–*An occasional streaker will run through the studio

–*The auditions will be cut short so that Howard can savagely attack Don Imus for 20 minutes.

–*Howard may interrupt the performances to plug a guy from Little Neck who sells brake shoes …

–* … and extol the virtues of good clean Lesbianism.

–*A contestant without a vibrato will be forgiven if she can shoot a ping-pong ball out of her vagina

–*Idol will now run with a continuous news crawl listing the pharmacological regimens of all the judges, including any benzodiazepenes, muscle relaxants or hormone replacement therapies that may be affecting their judging.

–*In a new segment, the Idol contestants will be assigned musical identities early on by Howard and Baba Booey so it will be easier for us to remember them–such as the bad girl, the “Goth girl,” the baby mama, the teen heartthrob, the closeted gay, the not-closeted gay, the ex-crack addict, the widower, the orphan, the troubled veteran, the schizophrenic man without pants, the crazy female industrial glass blower and the housewife who swallows.

–*Gays will still never win

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What were some of the greatest moments of the 2010 Oscars?

–*The Academy expanded the list of best picture nominees to perhaps draw more interest from mainstream audiences … and then drove those audiences away again with bizarre interpretive dance numbers that tried to recreate the drama of films like The Hurt Locker.

–*The guy who won for sound effects editing gave a really impassioned speech about the … oops, guess we had to cut him off for time.

–*A bunch of tech geeks were honored in a separate ceremony, but you can see them struggling for a brief moment of your attention in this group shot. Oh, sorry, we had to cut for commercial.

–*Farrah Fawcett was remembered in the hearts of every academy member. But only in their hearts, because some asshole left her out of the montage.

–*George Clooney is so popular, he can even wear an uncomfortable frown all night just to throw you off and put you on edge. He’s just toying with you. And you love it. You bitch.

–*Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin co-hosted and reminded the audience that low-key humility and the ability to poke fun at oneself is an actor’s best weapon, you stupid, thoughtless little pigs.

–*Kathryn Bigelow made Oscar history as the first female to win for directing. In honor of the occasion, Italian film legend Lina Wertmuller is going to direct a remake of Point Break.

–*Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for The Blind Side which is only slightly more egregious than Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

–*Mo’Nique reminded us in her speech that the Oscars are not about the politics. Which is inspiring until you realize that winning affordable health care pretty much IS just about politics.

–*Lauren Bacall won a special award. No, we don’t want to know how she feels about it.

–*George Clooney racks up another trophy …  girlfriend.

–*Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely stunning in a dress by … hey wait a minute, what in the fuck is she doing here?

–*Long-winded blowhard director Roger Ross-Williams is interrupted in his acceptance speech for documentary short by crazy-talking schizophrenic martinet experiencing hot flashes.

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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I watched the Oscars this year not at an Oscar party, but at a post-“Ed Wood” B movie party. How, you may ask, did that happen? Who would schedule a camp marathon on the night of the Oscars? Why is it that when Ryan Seacrest was trolling among the shallow pools of red plush looking for a bosom big enough, like Clooth Na Bare’s lake, to drown himself in, I was taking solace in the bosom of Vampira and her statuesque physique and equally statuesque performance as an alien seed hatchling? Why is it that when George Clooney arrived dressed to the Nines, I was watching “Plan Nine From Outer Space”? Why is it that when Miley Cyrus arrived I was looking not into her saucer eyes but looking instead at a flying saucer on fire that oddly resembled the flaming hubcap of a 1978 Pinto hatchback? Why was I missing Mo’Nique and her hairy legs to watch Vampira and her leggy dregs?

Part of it was poor planning, but you might also attribute it to a lack of Academy Awards brio in yours truly. I am probably the only person on Earth who will tell you that I’m put off by the expansion of the Best Picture category to 10 nominees. The reason for this gesture of noblesse oblige by the academy, their opening of the gates to more films, possibly even bad ones, is that America has divided into two camps, the 1% of those who like good movies and then everybody else. It was time to offer a seductive hand, it seems, to lure back the other 99% of moviegoers who had stopped watching the Oscars because they knew they would not see the names Twilight or The Hangover or Medea’s Family Reunion engraved on a statuette. Ever. Who knew that their favorite teen angst kitsch and piss-colored melodramas would never be rewarded with the bald trophy who shines like tears from the sun.

I have always loved the Oscars before. Unlike the almost useless Grammy Awards, a ceremony that tries to plant tent poles in the shifting sands of fashion, and ends up mostly rewarding, in the face of such an impossible task, technical prowess and blondeness, the Oscars have always seemed to me to be an actual arbiter of quality first. Sure, they’ve thrown in such horrible crowd-pleasers as Ghost from time to time, but only the Academy Awards would reach out to a small desert flower growing unnoticed in the vermilion cliffs and water it–such films as Chariots of Fire, perhaps, or performances like Hilary Swank’s in Boys Don’t Cry.

When business people evaluate stocks, they usually look at two values–what the price of a company would be if everything, including the paper clips, were sold today, and then what the mad crowd thinks its worth. This is a dangerous game with art, which is always given no value until it is suddenly given way too much value. The same with Oscars. Sometimes, when you give an award to a person who actually deserves it, the price of the Oscar goes up. An Oscar worth 50 cents when you give it to Sandra Bullock is worth $1.20 if you give it to Martin Scorsese. Such is the manic temper of commodity.

But this year, the hawkers of the statue seem determined to try to fix its value again (downward) by dangling more of them out to a field of contenders that was largely unworthy. 2009 was not a good year for movies. In fact, it merely confirmed the fact that “merely good” is somehow a worthy substitute for great, something it becomes harder to think as the years pass and that copy of Taxi Driver sits on your shelf, reminding you how things used to be.

I haven’t seen Avatar, and maybe I should withhold judgment, but the fact is I can’t be excited about it because I feel like I know who it was made for, and it wasn’t made for me. I was supposed to be excited last year when the excellent franchise of Star Trek was revitalized, only to find out that a series whose stories once proceeded from big ideas and intellectual curiosity had been turned into a work of hostility by fetish monkeys–people who romanticize mass annihilation and are drunk on enfeebling spectacle. People who prefer to see Captain Kirk as an out-of-control alpha male oozing vengeance rather than the cool, if libidinous, master of the Socratic dialogue that he once was. Could anyone have ignored the irony that the filmmakers of the new Star Trek literally destroyed the old Star Trek reality with a freak time warp accident and a bunch of red goop, freeing themselves to reimagine these beloved characters as a pantheon of whiny Gen Y orphans and freeing the series forever from the yoke of seriousness? Is this how dies the free-thinking, stoic Rousseauian humanist that sprang forth in the 60s, to be murdered in an Oedipal tantrum? His history erased by gadget-loving latch-key kids with a working mom and absent dad who will forever be trying and failing to get in touch with his feelings and beating up lots of people in the process?

This sucks.

I harp on Star Trek only because it was one of the highest grossing films of last year. Its audience has won. They control the films we watch. So I don’t feel like they deserve to invest the halls of the Academy too, pulling down the marble and pulling up the porphyry and purloining the columns and otherwise destroying the last of the great Empire that was the Hollywood of the ’70s and building their Vandal camps all around.

I can find hope in the fact that a number of good, adventurous, innovative films did indeed win the night–films like Precious and Inglourious Basterds. I concede that quality was eventually rewarded more than commerce. But I can’t help but feel that this breach between what’s good and what’s successful will continue to widen until we have two different industries and two different audiences. If you think America is polarized politically, then I ask you to imagine what it would be like if we are divided aesthetically. It may seem like a silly distinction. But then again, men with long hair and women with hairy legs were once able to change the world.

Bring on Mo’Nique, and her hairy legs.

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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2 CBS
Survivor: Lord of the Flies. Tonight, the tribes finally do away with Piggy.

3 FOX
American Idol: Everybody sings like Duffy this year and has diabetes.

3 FOX
Dead spouses and criminal records up the wow factor on Houseand American Idol both.

3 FOX
Ellen DeGeneres, Howard Stern and Grandpa from “Hee Haw” love Crystal Bowersox.

4 Vh-1
Beautiful and Infected (reality)

5 ABC Family
Keeping Up with the Palins

6 NBC
Palin Fear Factor

7 Vh-1
Palin of Love

8 Bravo
Growing Up Palin

9 Discovery
How Little Palins Are Made

10 History Channel
A new game show: Genocide or Not Genocide?

11 CNN
A new wrinkle in the New York governor scandal: David Paterson is also apparently deaf.

12 700 Club
A spot news report: While God apparently vacations on other side of the world, a catastrophic earthquake strikes Chile.

13 MTV
Punch Snooki in the face once, shame on you. Punch Snooki in the face twice, shame on Snooki.

14 Lifetime Movie
At the sound of the crying, the self-knowledge will begin.

14 Lifetime Movie
Mark Harmon: Not dead.

15 Discovery
Because of environmental clean-up efforts, biodiversity returns to New York Harbor–just in time for global warming to flood and kill everything.

16 Bloomberg
A look at the companies that by virtue of their sheer size can be the biggest alternative energy producers and the biggest polluters at the same time.

17 700 Club
Economic Outlook: Why Christians Should Hoard Gold

18 Animal Planet
Dolphins Talking Shit

19 Spike TV
A new reality show: “Douche Town”

20 Cinemax
Beaver Trapping with the Palins

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–*Snooki

–*JWoww

–*The Situation

–*Pauly Q

–*Ootsie

–*Salmonella Bob

–*Vittles

–*Fuck Face

–*Oatmeal Pete

–*Sidewinder Sally

–*Back Door Sue

–*Grandma Hattie

–*The Issue

–*The Problem

–*Orange Alert

–*Orange Tan Alert

–*Melanoma Mary

–*Tits

–*Spooge

–*Race Bait Vin

–*Nightmare Steve

–*Zulu Dawn

–*Staten Island Bob

–*Boom Boom

–*”Uncomfortable Silence” Frank

–*J Duh

–*Fixodent and Forget It

–*Mau Mau

–*Your Place Or Mine

–*Diphtheria Chuck

–*The Awesomeness

–*Guido the Killer Pimp

–*”Sid” In Quotation Marks

–*Sid Without Quotation Marks

–*The Situation With Mange

–*The Situation With Crabs

–*The Accidental Dismemberment Situation

–*Pauly-Tony

–*Tony-Pauly

–*Angie From Exit 82

–*Angie From Exit 86

–*Ichabod

–*Staten Island Scurvy

–*Pauly No Club Foot (In Memory of Pauly Club Foot, who now sleeps forever in quick lime)

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–*After a rule change, there are now 10 nominees for best picture. In keeping with this new spirit of diluted quality, the category will be renamed “Most Acceptable Picture.”

–*There were many historic firsts in the nominations this year if by first you mean it’s the second or fourth times something’s happened.

–*Historic if “first nominee to ever own a Prius” is historic to you.

–*The director of Precious, Lee Daniels, says that he hopes the nomination of his film as best picture will bring more people to see it. For some reason, an inner city tale about obesity, child abuse, incest, drug addition, dyslexia, Down Syndrome and AIDS is having trouble finding an audience.

–*In expanding the Best Picture category, the academy was hoping to draw more interest to the event by including more crowd pleasers in the competition and keeping actual good movies from having an unfair advantage.

–*Because so many best picture nominees have been added, the academy had to shorten other lists for time. The best supporting actor Oscars thus automatically go to Mo’Nique and Christopher Waltz so we can dispense with all the unnecessary suspense.

–*The competition pits James Cameron, the creator of Avatar, against his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker, in the best director category. According to their divorce settlement, however, if Bigelow wins, Cameron will be able to visit the Oscar on weekends, but Bigelow will take a good chunk of Cameron’s artistic credibility.

–*Bigelow will make history if she wins, by being the first female to take home the statuette, but will also erase history, mainly by making us all forget how many horrible films she’s made.

–*Many observers were outraged that Avatar‘s actors were not nominated, arguing that the film’s animation was actually guided by gestures, facial quirks and timing of actors such as Zoe Saldana. Which provokes the interesting scientific question: Would R2-D2 have been nominated as best actor for Star Wars had he not chewed so much scenery?

–*We’ve not only got 10 nominated films, but two hosts–Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Obviously, we need to cram as many stars into this night as possible because your neuron receptors have become desensitized to the sight of only one star and now you need several, suggesting heightened bodily tolerance and altered neuroplasticity.

–*Quentin Tarantino is certain to win the Oscar by rewriting history and single-handedly defeating the Nazis. That at least merits an Oscar, a Nobel and a Congressional Medal of Honor.

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–*In an innovative advertising approach, each Golden Globe moment is sponsored by a different advertiser. Chrysler, for instance, sponsors actress Mo’Nique from Precious giving the first speech ever in iambic pentameter.

–*Julianna Margulies thanks CBS for allowing scripted shows on television. Does that tell you anything that she has to thank them for it? It used to be it was their fucking business. Now they want appreciation for doing us a fucking favor.

–*We learn that Heather Graham likes to keep fit by working out and there’s a humanitarian disaster going on in Haiti.

–*The hunk of sex that is Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks, with her giant creamy chest and milk white skin, inspires men and women alike to turn to each other and make children and thus continue the human bloodline.

–*Kendra Wilkinson beats out Kim Kardashian, Audrina Patridge and Paris Hilton in the “Person Wasting Precious Drinking Water” category.

–*Snapple sponsors the first joke at the expense of NBC and its late night TV programming debacle. “Snapple. The best stuff on Earth just got better and Jeff Zucker is an idiot.”

–*Alec Baldwin skips the Golden Globes for a previously scheduled appointment to clean out the all-you-can-eat buffet at Mr. Spriggs.

–*The Hangover wins the Golden Globe for best comedy, which is a little bit like Bachelor Party winning the Oscar.

–*James Cameron wins as best director for The Jungle Book.

–*Nobody on camera seems to be responding to the Ricky Gervais humor. Either Americans still have no appreciation for subtle English wit or it’s just the Botox making Hollywood as a whole unable to laugh.

–*Robert Downey Jr. is legally prohibited from having any sort of post-awards fun.

–*Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out and announces that NBC Universal and the state of California are being sold to the Chinese in a series of syndicated private placement investments.

–*This reminder that the nation of Haiti has endured thousands of deaths in its recent earthquake, a disaster that has exacerbated the conditions of this island nation, the poorest in the Western Hemisphere, where political corruption and sub-standard living conditions are the rule, is sponsored by WD-40.

–*Martin Scorsese’s career retrospective is sponsored by beating people to death with a pool cue.

–*Sandra Bullock insists that she didn’t deserve her award, and she is so, so right on the money.

–*The Biggest Loser wins the award for the only thing keeping NBC alive.

–*Drew Barrymore, it’s just her speech, she wasn’t prepared and all the people she worked with over the years, she’s been here so many times, she never expected to win, all you people have helped her become a human being and it’s not just the cameramen and the crew and the producer that she loves everybody and that accent that’s not even her that’s other people … and did she stress that she wasn’t prepared?

–*Mickey Rourke proves the theory of certain linguists that a human being can read words off a card without understanding them.

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3 ABC
Extreme Makeover: Just because you’re eating stray dogs in an alley doesn’t mean the cardboard box you live in has to be an eyesore.

4 NBC
Network executives discover that even though Jay Leno is funny after the 10 o’clock news, he’s not funny before the 10 o’clock news. Maybe Americans will just laugh at anything when they’re in a bad mood?

6 Fox
The Simpsons has been on for 20 years. I think that we now have enough Simpsons episodes in the can to cancel everything else, wouldn’t you say?

7 ABC Family
Americas Funniest Home Videos: Watch two chestnut horses pursue their legal right to get married in Oklahoma.

8 Animal Planet
Tonight on “Wild Recon,” animal adventurer Donald Schultz goes after that most elusive of biospecimens in Orlando, Florida–the uncircumcised European tourist.

7 ABC Family
Harry Potter and the Uncircumcised European Tourist

7 ABC Family
America’s Funniest Racist Graffiti

13 PBS Frontline
Canadians fleeing socialism continue to pour into our borders and must make up at least 81% of our population, notes an upstate New York gas station attendant.

15 The History Channel
Since you’re not interested in Hannibal and his march on Rome, how about we do a documentary about the ghosts of old New Orleans prostitutes. Would that inspire your interest in history?

17 Golf
A Golf Channel Exclusive: “Driving With Wood: The Tiger Woods Story”

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Head To The Shaft

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: Shooting 14 Holes And Counting

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Car to the Curb

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From the Curb to the Curb to the Fire Hydrant and Back To the Curb

17 Golf
“Holes, Putting and Grass–The Endless Joke Potential of the Tiger Woods Scandal”

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods giving up golf? Because he doesn’t like the golf clap.

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods taking time off from golf? He has to work on his swinging.

18 E! Entertainment Television
What kind of wood doesn’t float? Natalie Wood.

19 A&E
One to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the room.

20 BET
So you can take her home like a six pack.

20 MTV
Jersey Shore: Is it too late to build a fence to keep out Italians?

20 MTV
How about the Irish?

22 Fox News
Nope, we pretty much just want to keep out the Mexicans.

*This posted was updated Feb. 3, 2023. While I usually leave old posts alone, even if I think they are no longer funny, there was a particular bad joke about LL Cool J on this post I got rid of. I don’t know what inspired it. Something that prompted me to imagine covering him in food in disgusting ways. Perhaps it was meant as a way of talking about the way artists are denigrated and humiliated. I don’t remember, but the joke doesn’t make sense now and it was not funny at all, so it’s gone.

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