Posts Tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

LL Cool J is so cool no matter what he does that we’ve decided to put whip cream on him and stick a log of butter up his ass to see if he can make even THAT look cool.

Extreme Makeover: Just because you’re eating stray dogs in an alley doesn’t mean the cardboard box you live in has to be an eyesore.

Network executives discover that even though Jay Leno is funny after the 10 o’clock news, he’s not funny before the 10 o’clock news. Maybe Americans will just laugh at anything when they’re in a bad mood?

6 Fox
The Simpsons has been on for 20 years. I think that we now have enough Simpsons episodes in the can to cancel everything else, wouldn’t you say?

7 ABC Family
Americas Funniest Home Videos: Watch two chestnut horses pursue their legal right to get married in Oklahoma.

8 Animal Planet
Tonight on “Wild Recon,” animal adventurer Donald Schultz goes after that most elusive of biospecimens in Orlando, Florida–the uncircumcised European tourist.

7 ABC Family
Harry Potter and the Uncircumcised European Tourist

7 ABC Family
America’s Funniest Racist Graffiti

13 PBS Frontline
Canadians fleeing socialism continue to pour into our borders and must make up at least 81% of our population, notes an upstate New York gas station attendant.

15 The History Channel
Since you’re not interested in Hannibal and his march on Rome, how about we do a documentary about the ghosts of old New Orleans prostitutes. Would that inspire your interest in history?

17 Golf
A Golf Channel Exclusive: “Driving With Wood: The Tiger Woods Story”

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Head To The Shaft

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: Shooting 14 Holes And Counting

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Car to the Curb

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From the Curb to the Curb to the Fire Hydrant and Back To the Curb

17 Golf
“Holes, Putting and Grass–The Endless Joke Potential of the Tiger Woods Scandal”

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods giving up golf? Because he doesn’t like the golf clap.

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods taking time off from golf? He has to work on his swinging.

18 E! Entertainment Television
What kind of wood doesn’t float? Natalie Wood.

19 A&E
One to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the room.

20 BET
So you can take her home like a six pack.

20 MTV
Jersey Shore: Is it too late to build a fence to keep out Italians?

20 MTV
How about the Irish?

22 Fox News
Nope, we pretty much just want to keep out the Mexicans.

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After a mysterious car accident led to press speculation about golf star Tiger Woods’ possible marital infidelities, there are now reports that he and his wife Elin Nordegren have renegotiated several aspects of their prenuptial agreement, which now reportedly includes $80 million extra for Nordegren if she stays with her husband for two more years and $5 million if she does not leave him immediately. What are some of the other new clauses in the prenup?

–*Nordegren is to be paid an extra million for every new bimbo who emerges in South Beach or the Hamptons claiming to have had sex with her husband.

–*That number is to rise to $1.5 million if the woman in question is a Playboy model

–*It will be $1.7 million if the photos of the Playboy model have been retouched

–*It will be $2 million if the woman Tiger slept with gets her own reality TV special

–*It will be $2.2 million if the reality TV show special involves Flavor Flav, Danny Bonaduce or Scott Baio or features vomiting.

–*Woods must pay the $3.99 per minute of phone sex out of his own pocket.

–*Nordegren does not have to make Tiger dinner, watch TV with Tiger or clap during the Masters if Tiger wins.

–*Nordegren gets $100,000 per sexual encounter with Tiger, plus a facial at Bliss Spa.

–*Nordegren does not have to address Tiger in English.

–*Nordegren does not have to continue to love him.

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