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Archive for August, 2009

Norwalk, Conn. (API) Dan Sparks, a local accountant, is appealing to the International Association of Athletics Federations to determine through a battery of tests, blood work, cheek swabs, and other intrusive physical examinations by doctors if his new girlfriend Carlotta Jones is really female.

“We’ve gotten to know each other a little better in the last few weeks at work,” says Sparks, “But Carlotta has always struck me as a bit masculine. She’s got a very powerful handshake, and last week she beat me in the 440 meter. I just don’t know if I should be putting her in the girlfriend category or maybe if ‘buddy’ is a better description.”

Sparks met Jones while both were going over the 2006 tax records for a defunct de-icing salt company. He liked the way she seemed to know everything about the ’69 Mets, and laughed heartily when she called this year’s Mets lineup “batters out of hell.”

“I was thinking to myself, ‘Now THIS is girlfriend material.’ But then I really started to think that it might be too good to be true. Now I’m really starting to think that she was.”

Among other suspicions he has about Jones are her massive shoulders; her 6 foot 2 inch height; her low, smokey voice; her enjoyment of Spike TV; her ability to beat Sparks at raquetball; and her insatiable love of “Celebrity Sleuth” magazine.

Several people have confirmed for Sparks that his new girlfriend has a vagina, but it has still given him pause.

“There are just so many factors that make up male and female these days. I mean, if some female athletes are disqualified for having Y chromosomes, shouldn’t I be able to get a ruling?”

Doctors say that Jones could conceivably be suffering from a number of conditions including hermaphroditism, congenital adrenal hyperplasia, progestin-induced virilization.

“Or maybe she’s just kind of dikey,” said Dr. Wilhemina Phillips, an endocrinologist at NYU.

Among the tests Jones must undergo are genetic counseling and interviews by a gynecologist, an endocrinologist and an internist.

Jones’ father has weighed in as well.

“I find this investigation a little silly,” said the senior Jones. “I’m almost 80% certain my daughter is a woman.”

“Just look at her,” said Sarah Carvel, another woman in the office who dated Sparks for a year and who is said to still be pining for him. “Carlotta is obviously not a woman. Somebody’s got to do something. I think Dan is just confused. He’ll come around.”

Jones herself, though, was quite adamant.

“I’m a woman, god damn it!” she said. “I wish everybody would stop asking me this question. I don’t see why I’ve got to answer to the IAAF. I was just having a fling.”

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–*Did you really just say that?

–*Am I going crazy?

–*Why me?

–*Why am I even discussing this with you?

–*Why am I here?

–*Why God, why?

–*Did my capsule land on Planet Idiot this morning?

–*Pollution can cause frogs to change sex? Who knew?

–*What are you, a socialist?

–*You don’t want to kill my special needs baby, do you?

–*You don’t want to pull the plug on my grandma with special language in your 1000 page health care bill, do you?

–*Do you always talk out of your ass or was I addressing the wrong end?

–*You’re not actually going to read that health care bill, are you?

–*Do bears shit in the woods?

–*Are bears the only ones who’ve read Obama’s health care bill?

–*Why does my country have to be the only one without universal health care? Am I a bad person?

–*We wouldn’t want to kill the health care bill with mendacious sloganeering now would we?

–*Are you an idiot?

–*Do you see demons?

–*Is this thing on?

–*Is that all there is?

–*Hath not a Jew hands?

–*Doth Caesar lie so low?

–*Can I get an amen?

–*Is that a baby gherkin in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

–*Is that a goiter or do you just have American health care?

–*Is that psycho woman on Fox hot or what?

–*Is it Friday yet?

–*Do I have ADD or what?

–*Are we in denial?

–*Are we communicating?

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Chris Burke, the simply awesome actor who played the sly and devious “Alex” in The Retributioners-Episode 16: The American Dream, is also a filmmaker as well and part of the online comedy juggernaut known as “Manic Attack. You can check out all their videos here. We must also thank Manic Attack co-conspirator Tommy Walsh, for contributing space, time and production expertise to our latest episode, not to mention my first camera dolly shot ever!

If that’s not enough, they also write a very funny blog.

One of their latest films is a slam on all those Twitter Tweeters who haven’t learned the rules of the road:

Check it out here: Get the F&$# Out of My #FollowFriday, featuring another Manic Attacker: Casey Webb.

In other news, Blip.TV has featured “The Retributioners Episode 16” on the top of its home page today. We love Blip!

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The new episode of “The Retributioners” is here! Episode 16–The American Dream.

In this latest installment, Stephanie confronts a stock broker who lost her all her money.

Watch it here, but also be sure to visit www.theretributioners.tv to see all our episodes.

This episode features Christopher Burke, who also co-writes and co-directs as part of the comedy team at Manic Attack Pictures. Go and check out all their commercial parodies, music videos, and viral videos at Manicattack.com.

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The Never Before Heard Extended Version of “The Rain”

By Oran “Juice” Jones

CHORUS:

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain
You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Tossing and turning another sleepless night
The rain crashes against my window pane
Jumped into my car didn’t drive too far
That moment I knew I would never be the same.

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain
You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Mix chorus and dialogue:

Singing:  (I saw you)
Hey hey baby how ya doin’ come on in here
(Walking in the rain)
I made you some coffee and some steak
A porterhouse and some wine. Wine thins the blood, you know
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
No, really, one or two glasses a day is considered healthy
By the American Medical Association. Really
(Never be the same)
Well I just wanted to tell you I missed you today
I missed you so much I followed you around town in my Honda Civic

(I saw you)
Now stop insulting my car. The point is I caught you
With that guy with the park. I’m so mad I can’t see straight 
(Walking in the rain)
But even worse is that I’m confused. It was raining. What in the hell were you doing Walking out in the rain in the first place? Don’t you know you
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Could have caught cold? Both of you. It was just irresponsible you know my first impulse was to punch the guy in the mouth, but my second impulse was to give you both some Dimetapp  Really, you could have gotten pneumonia. Stupid
(Never be the same)
I was going to just ream you out But I didn’t wanna mess up this new coat from Men’s Wearhouse So instead I decided that dessert is a meal best served cold.
I mean, what I mean to say is REVENGE is a dish best served cold.
I always get that mixed up. But anyway, what I meant to say is I just chilled.

(I saw you and him)
So I called up the bank and took out every dime. No, not just the checking
Also the savings. And the CDs. That’s right, even the 4.5% interest rate high yield flexible term CDs
(Walking in the rain)
Then I cancelled all your credit cards. Even the zero percent APR card
I know, it was a really great deal, but you were very irresponsible with it
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
I also picked up all your jewelery. Yes, even the past, present and future ring
And the princess cut ring and the designer gold earrings with the diadems
Those were nice and remarkably pure, though they had no resale value
(Never be the same)
I mean the thing about diamonds is that they really depreciate.
They’re just not an investment; the problem with diamonds
Is that the buyers command pricing always
So they never go up in value
Not something like a painting or a classic car

(I saw you)
And don’t go lookin’ in your closet because I’ve taken out those Manolo Blahniks
And your Jimmy Choos and your Miu-Mius
You may have gotten the last ones at a consignment store
(Walking in the rain)
So yeah, they were a little cheaper than at upscale retail, but they
Were still fairly expensive and I paid for them
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
At least $60, which isn’t cheap, not by everybody’s standards
Oh, sure I guess maybe on Rodeo Drive that’s cheap, but not in Atlanta,
Which I think is where you’re from
(Never be the same)

(I saw you—and him)
So all your stuff is in the guest room now
All that stuff I gave you: chiffon and crepe, pink diamonds
And that computer I put in your name. It had three years
(Walking in the rain)
Of free maintenance on it from Dell. And the battery was under
A year long warranty, and the customer service there is friendly.
Guess you’re not getting that anymore
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Also I took away your punch card from Hale & Hearty Soups
Yeah, you know what I’m saying. Your tenth soup isn’t free anymore, baby
Guess you’ll have to pay for that extra Mulligatawny stew
I hope it tastes good baby
(Never be the same)

But now I can’t give you nothing but advice.
Cause you’re still young, yeah, you’re young.
(I saw you—and him)
And you’re going to likely want to get
An adjustable rate mortgage
(Walking in the rain)
Well that’s just a piss-poor idea on its face because
The rates tick up with interest and you just have no control over that
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
The best thing is, if you think you’re going to stay in the house for a long time
Get a fixed rate mortgage
(Never be the same)

 

And you’re gonna find somebody like me one of these days
And you’re probably going to want to get married
 
(I saw you)
But first you want to make sure that you have similar goals and values
Not like that guy I saw you with today. He really seemed like kind of a douche
(Walking in the rain)
Make sure instead that he listens and he’s attentive
And try not to focus on what he buys for you
In fact, if he buys you all this stuff like I did
It probably just means he has a problem expressing love
In more meaningful ways
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
He’s probably making up for having a distant father or a controlling mother
You’re probably better off with someone you just like to do little things with
Like flying a kite or going to the movies
(Never be the same)
Somebody who’s not going to just throw money at problems like I do
Until then … well, I could go on, but until then
You dismissed!
Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids!
Yeah, sorry, I just added that. We never really did have much to talk about, did we?



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If you’re like me, you’re always looking for new ways to get people to visit your blog. It’s fun to create a community and get people talking about the important subjects of the day.

But many people are unsure how to get their blog seen and make sure their voices are getting heard. That’s where it’s helpful to know a few tricks of the blogging trade.

The secret is tags. These are the subject words that people search for–the things they are most interested in, and the items they plug into popular Web browsers like Google and Yahoo and Bing.

And the biggest secret of all is that you have to use the tag word “kittens” at all times, no matter what you’re talking about.

Let’s say that you’ve just done an excellent blog post on the state of the stock market. As we all know, it’s been a tough year. Stocks plummeted last September, and the American economy is largely thought to be in a tailspin because of the antics of a few no-goodniks such as those who sold bad mortgages and tried to palm off the bad debt on insurance companies and investment banks. Let’s say you’ve got a Nobel prize on the subject and you really want to get the word out that people were not paying attention to the market’s systemic risk when they looked for 10% annualized returns. You are biting your nails, because you are the only person you think in the world who understands that the algorithms just aren’t taking into account all the stochiastic random elements that cause markets to collapse. You worry that portfolios will be smashed and retirees rendered homeless.

Now say that out loud. You sound pretty dull, don’t you? Would you want to read that yourself? Probably not. It’s OK to laugh. We’ve all sounded like a self-important asshole at some time or another.

But that’s OK; fear not.

All you have to do is turn it all it around! If you had just added the word “kittens” to your tag, you’d have millions of people at your doorstep just dying to hear all about your dry “systemic risk” stuff.

Try this instead when you’re tagging: “derivatives,” “Lehman Brothers,” “Paulson,” “Goldman Sachs,” “conflict of interest,” “kittens,” “kitten in box,” “kittens with yarn.”

Or maybe you’ve got questions about the current health care plan in Congress, House Bill 3200: America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009. Now health care is a confusing topic. Maybe you are a patient who has no insurance. Maybe you’re a doctor who is worried about out-of-control legal costs. Maybe you’re worried that too much government intervention would distort rational, efficient pricing of health goods and services. Perhaps you find it immoral that America is rated 37 on the World Health Organziation’s chart of best health care because of our lack of services to the impoverished.

Well, that’s all well and good, but … is that all you’ve got? Really? Is that your pitch? Where’s the hook? Where’s the sizzle that sells the steak? How do you ever think you’re going to fish in the kind of readership you want with a lot of fancy words that go over people’s heads? Aren’t you talking up your own wazoo a little bit here?

Try this on for size, and add these tags: “health care,” “Obama,” “socialism,” “kittens,” “Momma,” “meow.”

Why, before you know it, you’ll have millions of people coming to your blog to hear what your problems are with the new 1,000 word health care bill, or maybe they’ll just be looking for your kitten videos. You can offer them one or both. It doesn’t matter! All that matters is that you’ve engaged your potential readership with language they can understand and you’ve brought them important information on a topic that will be important to them in the future, if not right this second.

After all, most people are only thinking about what’s going on this second. The future is a scary place! Would you want to live there? No! In the future, we’re all dead. But right now, in this moment, we have to enjoy the little things, and what we enjoy most is bright, furry, cuddly, fuzzy felines.

Perhaps you have been following the latest gossip about Pakistan and its unsecure nuclear weapons installations, which are dangerously close to the front lines in a war against fundamentalist Muslim Taliban militants who have already begun making strikes against nuclear labs, perhaps in an effort to steal technology. You may have spent your entire life in the intelligence community and know more about the real dangers than almost anyone else. You spend so much time thinking about nuclear Holocaust that you can’t sleep and it’s making you crazy in a way that literally changes the color of your urine.

But in the end, doesn’t that make you kind of a smarmy know-it-all? I mean, if you’re going to bring passionate, thoughtful national security items to the forefront of our dialogue, you’ve got to know how to speak the language of everyday folk. And what could be more heartwarming than pictures of kittens nursing at mama cat’s milk-swollen belly?

Don’t believe me? Try these tags and get results: “Pakistan,” and “nuclear facilities,” “Wiki Maps,” “Taliban,” “nuclear stockpiles,” “rogue states,” “black market,” “terrorist groups,” “kittens,” “nursing,” “meow, meow,” “vomit,” “hairball,” “poop,” “Roomba fight,” “vacuum cleaner.”

See, aren’t you already starting to see how the right kind of tagging will get your blog instant validation and notoriety?

People love kittens with great passion–almost as much as they hate the threat of nuclear annihilation. What you’ve got to do as a blogger is pick up on the topics of the day if you want to become a tastemaker, a pace setter and a thought leader. But you’ll never get there if you don’t learn the tricks of the Web world. So stop sucking your thumb and start thinking like a Web champion.

Don’t think in abstractions your whole life, think in fun, vibrant tags, whether it be “cat,” or “kitten,” or even “warm pussy.” And soon you’ll be getting the drift.

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Finding Joy

What small pleasures do we ignore that would make us happier if we just thought about them a little more?

–*A smile from a friend

–*Warm bread

–*Your cat butting its head into your arm

–*The pleasing xylophone sound from the Microsoft operating system

–*A smile from a friend, even one you don’t talk to that often

–*The feel of suede on your shoes, your coat or even just a square of it you keep for fetish purposes

–*A bouquet of flowers from a friend

–*The smell of ozone when you turn on a space heater

–*A bouquet of flowers received by mistake

–*A full roll of toilet paper

–*A smile from a friend, even if that friend is not really interesting or good looking or worthwhile much at all

–*A skateboarder falling on his ass

–*Three extra caps that haven’t been detonated

–*A bouquet of flowers sent by the cable company when their van hit you in traffic

–*The refund of your money for telephone overcharges won on your behalf in a class-action suit you never heard of

–*The intricate designs of obscure vegetation on your dinner plates, which appear to be acanthus, thistle or palm

–*The still air during a cease fire

–*Watching a traffic accident for hours

–*A warm, snuggly displacement bear

–*A smile from a person who is not remotely attractive and who is actually a demonstrable idiot according to specific criteria set by the American Medical Association

–*A hug from your step-daughter Soon-Yi

–*A smile from someone who is clearly just dead

–*A hot, steaming cup of coffee

–*A hot, steaming cup of coffee thrown in the face of your worst enemy

–*Just a tiny dribble of water given to you by the guards in the North Korean prison

–*Permission from Mistress Dominique to go to the bathroom

–*The sight of a man in a Polo shirt not getting what he wants

–*The feeling of accomplishment you feel at a town meeting when you have successfully filibustered, bullied and shouted down affordable health care for everybody

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