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Archive for August 16th, 2009

The Never Before Heard Extended Version of “The Rain”

By Oran “Juice” Jones

CHORUS:

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain
You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Tossing and turning another sleepless night
The rain crashes against my window pane
Jumped into my car didn’t drive too far
That moment I knew I would never be the same.

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain
You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Mix chorus and dialogue:

Singing:  (I saw you)
Hey hey baby how ya doin’ come on in here
(Walking in the rain)
I made you some coffee and some steak
A porterhouse and some wine. Wine thins the blood, you know
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
No, really, one or two glasses a day is considered healthy
By the American Medical Association. Really
(Never be the same)
Well I just wanted to tell you I missed you today
I missed you so much I followed you around town in my Honda Civic

(I saw you)
Now stop insulting my car. The point is I caught you
With that guy with the park. I’m so mad I can’t see straight 
(Walking in the rain)
But even worse is that I’m confused. It was raining. What in the hell were you doing Walking out in the rain in the first place? Don’t you know you
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Could have caught cold? Both of you. It was just irresponsible you know my first impulse was to punch the guy in the mouth, but my second impulse was to give you both some Dimetapp  Really, you could have gotten pneumonia. Stupid
(Never be the same)
I was going to just ream you out But I didn’t wanna mess up this new coat from Men’s Wearhouse So instead I decided that dessert is a meal best served cold.
I mean, what I mean to say is REVENGE is a dish best served cold.
I always get that mixed up. But anyway, what I meant to say is I just chilled.

(I saw you and him)
So I called up the bank and took out every dime. No, not just the checking
Also the savings. And the CDs. That’s right, even the 4.5% interest rate high yield flexible term CDs
(Walking in the rain)
Then I cancelled all your credit cards. Even the zero percent APR card
I know, it was a really great deal, but you were very irresponsible with it
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
I also picked up all your jewelery. Yes, even the past, present and future ring
And the princess cut ring and the designer gold earrings with the diadems
Those were nice and remarkably pure, though they had no resale value
(Never be the same)
I mean the thing about diamonds is that they really depreciate.
They’re just not an investment; the problem with diamonds
Is that the buyers command pricing always
So they never go up in value
Not something like a painting or a classic car

(I saw you)
And don’t go lookin’ in your closet because I’ve taken out those Manolo Blahniks
And your Jimmy Choos and your Miu-Mius
You may have gotten the last ones at a consignment store
(Walking in the rain)
So yeah, they were a little cheaper than at upscale retail, but they
Were still fairly expensive and I paid for them
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
At least $60, which isn’t cheap, not by everybody’s standards
Oh, sure I guess maybe on Rodeo Drive that’s cheap, but not in Atlanta,
Which I think is where you’re from
(Never be the same)

(I saw you—and him)
So all your stuff is in the guest room now
All that stuff I gave you: chiffon and crepe, pink diamonds
And that computer I put in your name. It had three years
(Walking in the rain)
Of free maintenance on it from Dell. And the battery was under
A year long warranty, and the customer service there is friendly.
Guess you’re not getting that anymore
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Also I took away your punch card from Hale & Hearty Soups
Yeah, you know what I’m saying. Your tenth soup isn’t free anymore, baby
Guess you’ll have to pay for that extra Mulligatawny stew
I hope it tastes good baby
(Never be the same)

But now I can’t give you nothing but advice.
Cause you’re still young, yeah, you’re young.
(I saw you—and him)
And you’re going to likely want to get
An adjustable rate mortgage
(Walking in the rain)
Well that’s just a piss-poor idea on its face because
The rates tick up with interest and you just have no control over that
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
The best thing is, if you think you’re going to stay in the house for a long time
Get a fixed rate mortgage
(Never be the same)

 

And you’re gonna find somebody like me one of these days
And you’re probably going to want to get married
 
(I saw you)
But first you want to make sure that you have similar goals and values
Not like that guy I saw you with today. He really seemed like kind of a douche
(Walking in the rain)
Make sure instead that he listens and he’s attentive
And try not to focus on what he buys for you
In fact, if he buys you all this stuff like I did
It probably just means he has a problem expressing love
In more meaningful ways
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
He’s probably making up for having a distant father or a controlling mother
You’re probably better off with someone you just like to do little things with
Like flying a kite or going to the movies
(Never be the same)
Somebody who’s not going to just throw money at problems like I do
Until then … well, I could go on, but until then
You dismissed!
Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids!
Yeah, sorry, I just added that. We never really did have much to talk about, did we?



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